Irritations

Time to expose some pet peeves:

1.) Educated people should be able to spell or at least utilize a spell checker before they submit a document or ad, yet multiple times a day their irreverence or ignorance is revealed by spelling and grammar errors.

2.) Many people are selfish to the point of being offensive.

3.) Dog owners that do pick up their dog's waste should find a receptacle for the baggie, rather than just depositing it alongside the sidewalk or trail as though they were going to pick it back up on the way back, but don't. This is almost as bad as those dog owners that don't pick up their dog's waste at all.

4.) Why are all the good shows on the same nights and times?  This forces recording of the shows, which the producers don't like, but they just about bring it on themselves.

5.) I definitely dislike the people hanging around the supermarket doors that want contributions for some political cause.  Why do they think that the customers there are any more politically motivated than, say Home Depot?

6.) I can't stand people that can't even take a breath before everything that occurs is put on Facebook.  They take pics of their meals, and even their parking space, and Facebook 'em to share.  I certainly don't care, nor do I  believe anyone does.  I was never too keen on Facebook anyway, and only had an account to watch over my kids' pages.  I have since deactivated it because my kids are grown (?).

7.) I hate calling someplace that has options for me to choose on my phone, and the first one is English.  Why not have that be the default ?

Clear Direction

At this point in my job search (or depression), having completed an application and submitting it is substantially satisfying.  That feeling usually dissipates when I realize that all indications are such that I will never hear from the advertising company's HR department.

Another issue that I have discovered, is that new positions seem to be advertised by almost all the local companies, at the same time.  So there is a burst of excitement, a frenzied effort, and then a long dry period while awaiting the next cycle.  I use that period of time for learning and refreshing my skills.

Also, jobs and contracts have a way of dissolving when it comes down to an actual commitment to pay the possible new hire.

What does it mean when you don't hear back after an interview?  Are they wish-washy on making you an offer, or are they waiting until the first choice turns them down before they deal with you?  I knew it was going to be a stretch to come from defense work into medical devices.  I certainly thought, though, that it wasn't that big of a stretch...

New Cell Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 

Civil Servant
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

Continued HR Frustration

I have recently had a set of strange experiences with the HR of one company.  They call and don't leave a message.  Returning their call at that number never gets answered.  Finally days later, I pick up the phone and I'm told that I am hard to contact.  Somehow they hang up on me, and I wait days until they call again.  On my resume, there are not only two phone numbers, but also an email address.  Is this group restricted to spend only a maximum of five seconds to contact me, and only one attempt per week ??

Well, they decided to bring me in on a face-to-face interview.  The building appeared very dilapidated and the furniture looked like the purchased it at a thrift store.  The three managers that I spoke to admitted to me that I am overqualified for the position and couldn't understand why I would apply.

First of all, it was not apparent that the job was not a senior position.  Second, while it would be a cut in pay; it would not be the first or last time that a candidate had to take a lower paying job, just to get one.  I believe that the straw that broke the camel's back was that as they described what they wanted out of the successful candidate, I explained to them that that job is for a more senior person and a number of other issues that they had not considered.  They thanked me for making them aware of those issues, and returned from the holes from whence they came.

Consequently, they sent me a canned "not really a good fit" email.  I guess it is important not to overwhelm your interviewers with issues they had not considered, at least until after you are hired.

Collect Call
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Anticlimactic Event

Well the big face-to-face interview is over. It was four hours plus lunch.  I think it went well, but time will show one way or the other.  It took two phone interviews to get the face-to-face one.  Now the waiting game continues.  Meanwhile, there is absolutely nothing else to apply for.

In the last post I was speaking about the possible stigma of my last employer on my resume.  Unfortunately, it was true.  One HR recruiter wanted to know if I was really ready to accept a cut in pay, and for how long would I be happy with that?  She didn't even ask what my salary was, and only referred to my former employer.  Between that stigma and the amount of experience and education I have, I have managed to eliminate myself from most jobs that I qualify for.  Sooooooo wrong.

BTW, if you are reading this, sign up to follow this blog.  My statistics need a boost....

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 and beyond:
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
P.S. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night!

Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Lost & Found
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Hiker's Comments
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.

- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

- Need more signs to keep area pristine.

- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

- Too many rocks in the mountains.

Service
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Stigma?

I have come to the conclusion that my resume is not doing its job, and therefore I have enhanced it with much of the specifics that were removed to make the proponents of today's HR happy.  Keywords must be added back to deal with the application scanners to raise the "fit" percentage.

Also I am beginning to believe in stigma.  Perhaps my last employer has inadvertently stigmatized my experiences such that other companies are reluctant to react to my resume other than to ignore it.  I am very well trained by my former employer, to the point that the correct way to perform has become second nature.  That is unfortunately how every employer works - NOT.

Performing in the correct way and safest way is not necessarily the CHEAPEST means to accomplish the job, but the risks are very high to perform less than one's best.

I have (almost) successfully reinvented myself into another realm of the manufacturing world.  Not until this process began did I realize the real parallels between defense related, space related, and medical device manufacturing.  I am currently past three phone interviews with medical device manufacturers and hope to do a face-to-face interview soon.  This has been a gut wrenching experience, to apply new terms and methodologies to tried and true ones that I am used to, AND be believable- at least on the phone.  We shall (soon I hope) see how this process is working out...

On another note: Isn't it so very interesting how the Tea Party candidates are all losing elections?  And, isn't it also so very interesting about all the crap raising the surface regarding Hillary?  I wouldn't put it past either the Tea Partiers or the regular Republicans to have stirred up Monica in time for the pre-election "raise awareness of bad things in the past lives of Democrats"....  Interesting times we live in...

Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D

'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...."

Rapid Closure

Well, not having "medical device experience" WAS enough of a reason to lose the possibility of consideration beyond a phone interview.  I will not be called in for a face-to-face interview.  Although I prepared for two days for the phone interview, none of the expected questions were covered in the allotted hour.  The interviewed was wrapped-around-the-axle on a singular topic for at least half of the allotted hour.  After that topic was beat to death, the remaining questions were easy and basically related to leadership style.  When all was said an done, I did have the impression that I handled the interview well enough to be called in.

Since I was working through a recruiter, she called in for the guy's response and then informed me.  Otherwise I would have probably been hung out to dry as in the past.

Incidentally, back on March 20 I had an interview in-person with another company which lasted five and half hours.  The grilling was horrendous, but I really liked the two positions that they had open and figured it was worthwhile.  Today (almost two months later), I finally got closure. I received a thanks-but-no-thanks email.  It is almost like someone that puts off accepting an invitation thinking that they may get a better offer for the same time period.  I feel like I had been put off until the position was filled, on the off chance they would find someone that fit their requirements better.  This is no way to run a business...

Meanwhile, back to square one....

Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

A week in only three days...STRESS

Let me explain what re-staining a pergola in 90+ degrees turns into... My hat only holds back part of the rivulets (love that word) of perspiration long enough for the flies to stop by for a drink and a quick dip.  I am actually spending more time swatting flies and wiping my brow than staining the wood.  The stain is an opaque one and it basically is hardening as I am putting it on.  If I stop, the brush will stick to the surface.  So much for that and it NOT being recommended...  Unfortunately, I am going nuts at home and need to have that feeling of accomplishment somehow.

Impersonal as it has become, working with a caring and friendly recruiter is definitely better than navigating the iceberg channels of HRdom.  I now have someone to talk to, provide guidance and smack me with the reality that only 2% of applicants ever get the job they apply for. So basically, I am covered no matter what happens.  

She has had me add meat to the bones of my stripped down resume.  It originally approached four pages and was stripped to one and a half.  Now it is fluffed out to two full pages and "speaks volumes" about me. [I hope that is good...].  She has also provided me with the information that I need to ace the phone interview that we managed to wangle with the expanded resume.  It is coming up tomorrow, and I am a bit nervous as the position is a stretch [not on my capabilities, though] into the medical device arena.  My background is about 99% military, space and defense related.  It is a big jump, especially into the FDA approval arena.

I have been very careful to be truthful in my resume and only emphasize the shining examples of my career.  Fortunately, every piece of straw I have worked with has turned to gold, well at least silver...

Drill Instructor 
A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit.
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to unrinate on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir."

Road Rage

A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it.

The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, the jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm sorry for this mistake," he says. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Yeah, so?" she says.

"Naturally," he concluded, "I assumed you had stolen the car."

Military Medical Clinic

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

The Final Solution

I recently read that most HR personnel are going to soon be out of a job, as the function is expected to be farmed out.  This, of course, is due to its lack of ROI and (IMHO) its obvious inefficacy.  Having dealt with them very recently, I can understand why businesses believe that they are unnecessary and a drag on overhead which produces no revenue.  I remember when customer service representatives went in the same direction.  Someone in corporate America decided that they could live with single sales rather than repeat business.  Supporting your customers turns out to be the most dependable way to keep them.  Sending support personnel to India hasn't helped anyone's bottom line- for long.

Under the category of "everyone needs to get their two cents commission"...:  There are employment listings that list listings of other employment listers, that list employment listings of other employment listers... and so on.  Once filling out an application that went four companies deep before getting to the actual company, where the job had already been filled!  I run into similar situations of website knots that appear Gordian in nature.

Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing.

Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing:

Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug.

Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off.

Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up.

Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill.

Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed.

Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why.

Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies.

Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries.

Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso.

Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.

Overheard in a computer shop...
Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Moving on to search for progress...somewhere...

So moving on with mixed feelings, I feel some resentment and disbelief.  I was a perfect fit for the job that was not offered to me.  I feel that it was due to my age.  I would really like to ask, but I don't believe that they would be honest with me.  If it were due to discrimination, they would be open to suit.  I certainly don't know what I can do to remedy this.  I have enhanced my resume and LinkedIn page to obscure dates and focus on achievements.  Apparently, that wasn't enough.  I was one of four applicants for two openings.  The job was very desirable, so I'm sure that I wasn't first choice and that the first offered accepted the position.

I have decided to stretch myself into positions that are really undesirable, because of what they entail or the fact that there is a commute involved.  The really unfortunate fact is that I have to be ready to accept less remuneration as well.  This is certainly not what I expected to have to do during my last years of work before retirement.  This does mean, however that retirement (given good health) has been potentially postponed for as long as they'll have me, if ever.

New twist on an old joke...
In Just 20 Seconds, You’re About To Completely Change Your Entire View On Pretty Much Everything.

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.

Don’t believe us?

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.


It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

Realization and Acceptance

First let me apologize for not being more positive in my recent postings.  As of today, I have accepted the fact that some job postings are fake, some are exaggerated, some are impossible to fill and virtually all of them represent a black hole which sucks up applications and rarely, if ever, spits out a response- even an automated one.  

All of the preparation time and efforts and the actual time of interview engagement, whether by phone or in person, is time lost.  I have also accepted the fact that no company or HR rep cares that I am waiting.  Actually, I would be surprised to know that they even know that I exist.  After spending time going though these efforts without any fruitful returns, I can honestly blame it on societal shifts in the employment paradigm (what a load of crap, but it sounds good).  After all how many ways can I waste time and energy nowadays without playing video games?

With my attitudinal shift, I have found the beginning of peace.  I have lowered my expectations and therefore my anxiety and blood pressure.  I realize that nothing comes for free, but I feel as though I have put in my time and have reaped the benefits, albeit (love that word) negative.

Moving on, I have decided to expand my searches to non-technical, managerial and esoteric positions that don't require my experiences, but will gain from it.  My goal, then, is to become gainfully employed, but not in a comfortable and familiar position.

Irish Telephones

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Waiting out the waiting game

An overcast and gloomy week is not helping to be positive and optimistic while I continue to play the waiting game.  What few positions available provide a black hole for applications.  Like entries to a million dollar contest, the applications continue to be generated by me, while the responses are nil.  Having had a telephone interview this week, I should be thankful but it seems like being forced to use training wheels before I get to ride the bike myself.  Sink or swim, if the application is appropriate for the job, time conservation would expect that getting to the meat-of-the-matter sooner would be good, but all are stretched until the breaking point.

$100 bill

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

Pet Care
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows:

- "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?"

- "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

- "What should I feed a borderline collie?"

- "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

- "Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

- "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

- "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

- "How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?"

- "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

- "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

- "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

- "I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?"

- "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

- "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.

However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

Just A Fool No More

Here I sit on All Fool's Day believing that I am the fool.  I am letting this nasty, nasty job market get the best of me.  My perspective is crisp and renewed.  All that I have to do now is to get my momentum going again.  There is a new job for me and I'm going to find it!

It is so easy to fall into depression.  I have nobody to blame for the way the market is.  It has just changed.  Metamorphosed.  It is now tougher and sleeker and faster moving than it ever was.  I have to run harder and faster just to catch up with the trends.

What will I reinvent myself as? What positions will I stretch into? What attention will be paid to me? [What can I get away with?]  I just want and need to be part of it all again, very soon...

 "April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." -- Mark Twain 

 

Good and Bad... The Sign of the Times

The interview was pretty good (as far as I was concerned).  I believe the reaction that I was getting was also very good.  It lasted five and a half hours! One doesn't want to put all one's eggs into one basket, but activity in the market appears to have slowed dramatically.  

Meanwhile I have discovered a few more former work associates that were also recently laid off.  I certainly don't enjoy other having to deal with my situation, but it is comforting that they are having just as much difficulty getting companies to bite on the bait that is offered.  

This is definitely a sign of the times.  Our disposable society has now learned how easy it is to dispose of (and forget about) an application that was electronically submitted.  It has made the job of the HR representative much easier, while the applicant suffers.  Considering the number of unemployed that want to get new jobs, the tables should be turned...

Aches and Pains

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

New Dictionary
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary. 

The luck of the Irish- except I'm not...

Finally.  It is almost like trying to find a 777 in the Indian Ocean.  Success comes in small steps.  I finally have landed an interview with a company offering job I want.  I am sooo looking forward to it.  Many people actually believe that staying home is fun.  Let me tell you; it is not fun when your future is up in the air.  It is downright frustrating.  It is not within your control.  Those days are over.  I would love to get a job and then take a long vacation, knowing that it was waiting for me when I return.  I have been working since I was fourteen.  It is not (in anyway or form) normal for me to not have a job.  If this pans out, I will be done with dealing with HR shenanigans, headhunters, and career reinvention gimmicks.  What a happy day that will be...

Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Sweatshirt or Windbreaker
A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." 

More of the same...

As the local HR honchos peruse my fate (or not), I sit here with baited ear (??) awaiting their discovered need for my talents.  Which ones of the positions I applied for was a real position and which were just facades trying to collect possible and potential future fishes to bait?  Time will tell.

So are no calls better than negative ones ???

Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Trivia
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy ..

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

As the world turns...

My applications are complete.  I have reviewed the positions daily, and yet I have received numerous pre-screening calls and emails.  There is a reluctance to commit, even for an in-person interview.  Recently, I read about a new smart phone app that allows one to apply for an open position by just a few strokes across the screen.  This totally removes the applicant's capability to customize the application in any way.  It may even mean that the application is accomplished by a directive to look at my LinkedIn page, instead of the usual letter of introduction and resume.  IMHO, this fits with the reluctance (or gained comfort) of socially networking electronically.  So, date electronically, have an electronic wallet, give everyone (including the gubmint) all of your vital information and then sit back while someone else utilizes your identity!  I resent the non-personalization, the reluctance to address each other in-person.

Currently, I am awaiting for no less than five phone interviews, because the companies I applied to don't want the expense of time or money to interview in-person, unless, of course,  you have scored very high on the "this is just a formality, as he is the best candidate that applied for this job and we are going to offer it to him right after the interview" list.

Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

Donkey Raffle
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.

Stop redundancy
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Lackluster Reality

I wish that I had good things to say, but...

Didn't we all enjoy the Olympics (at least for a week)?  Seventeen days of coverage, even though prime time only got the highlights, was a bit much.  This year just didn't do it for me.  From what I hear, the security was so overwhelming that there was not the usual exchange of culture between the athletes, guests and the residents.  The village was not designed for that, nor was it recommended to leave the village.  The boredom at the village was shared with the coverage. It is unfortunate, but Sochi was not the best (or close) place to hold Winter Games.  Most of the skiing issues were having to deal with melting snow and iciness.  It was hard to tell that any other countries besides Netherlands, Norway, Russia, Ukraine, USA or Japan were competing, since that amounted to about 99% or more of the coverage.

While this was all going on, the Ukraine was going through a revolution. The Russians are now reacting with their ever-present security keepers (i.e.; soldiers).  I am quite sure the Russians would love to create another union of states, even if they are not Soviet.

Meanwhile back on the home-front, the job market has not improved.  If anything, it is worse than before. Given that I can convince a potential employer that I will perform for them, I will probably have to take a position that is beneath my capabilities and experience level.

So I keep optimistic that an over-fit and under salary will still produce a job.  At least it is finally raining in California!

Stolen
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the
police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless

Something Smells in Sochi

Having watched both the Olympics short programs and free skate of the women's figure skating, and not being any kind of expert, IMHO something is not right with the scoring.  We have seen a similar fishy result with the Chinese gymnasts not being old enough to compete.  It is certainly way overdue for a more transparent way of scoring.  Perhaps a list of the required elements, extra elements and their scores could be displayed.  It is very hard that there was not some sort of bias.

Latest on the employment front: So not only are employers advertising positions that they don't intend to fill, at least not immediately, but they are also pre- pre-screening applicants.  This certainly promulgates false hopes and wastes everyone's time and efforts.  Lining up potential employees before actually getting a contract is not new.  What is new, is not immediately responding with a confirmation that you might still be in the running for a position.  Confirmations on applications are like vegetarian Great White's.  They probably don't exist and nobody is certainly expecting to find one.  How very frustrating the "new" world is!

Helmsman Training

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

AAADD - Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.Grumpy Whinge
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my checkbook.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................