Good and Bad... The Sign of the Times

The interview was pretty good (as far as I was concerned).  I believe the reaction that I was getting was also very good.  It lasted five and a half hours! One doesn't want to put all one's eggs into one basket, but activity in the market appears to have slowed dramatically.  

Meanwhile I have discovered a few more former work associates that were also recently laid off.  I certainly don't enjoy other having to deal with my situation, but it is comforting that they are having just as much difficulty getting companies to bite on the bait that is offered.  

This is definitely a sign of the times.  Our disposable society has now learned how easy it is to dispose of (and forget about) an application that was electronically submitted.  It has made the job of the HR representative much easier, while the applicant suffers.  Considering the number of unemployed that want to get new jobs, the tables should be turned...

Aches and Pains

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

New Dictionary
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary. 

The luck of the Irish- except I'm not...

Finally.  It is almost like trying to find a 777 in the Indian Ocean.  Success comes in small steps.  I finally have landed an interview with a company offering job I want.  I am sooo looking forward to it.  Many people actually believe that staying home is fun.  Let me tell you; it is not fun when your future is up in the air.  It is downright frustrating.  It is not within your control.  Those days are over.  I would love to get a job and then take a long vacation, knowing that it was waiting for me when I return.  I have been working since I was fourteen.  It is not (in anyway or form) normal for me to not have a job.  If this pans out, I will be done with dealing with HR shenanigans, headhunters, and career reinvention gimmicks.  What a happy day that will be...

Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Sweatshirt or Windbreaker
A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." 

More of the same...

As the local HR honchos peruse my fate (or not), I sit here with baited ear (??) awaiting their discovered need for my talents.  Which ones of the positions I applied for was a real position and which were just facades trying to collect possible and potential future fishes to bait?  Time will tell.

So are no calls better than negative ones ???

Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Trivia
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy ..

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

As the world turns...

My applications are complete.  I have reviewed the positions daily, and yet I have received numerous pre-screening calls and emails.  There is a reluctance to commit, even for an in-person interview.  Recently, I read about a new smart phone app that allows one to apply for an open position by just a few strokes across the screen.  This totally removes the applicant's capability to customize the application in any way.  It may even mean that the application is accomplished by a directive to look at my LinkedIn page, instead of the usual letter of introduction and resume.  IMHO, this fits with the reluctance (or gained comfort) of socially networking electronically.  So, date electronically, have an electronic wallet, give everyone (including the gubmint) all of your vital information and then sit back while someone else utilizes your identity!  I resent the non-personalization, the reluctance to address each other in-person.

Currently, I am awaiting for no less than five phone interviews, because the companies I applied to don't want the expense of time or money to interview in-person, unless, of course,  you have scored very high on the "this is just a formality, as he is the best candidate that applied for this job and we are going to offer it to him right after the interview" list.

Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

Donkey Raffle
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Looks bad on resume cover letters
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.

Stop redundancy
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Lackluster Reality

I wish that I had good things to say, but...

Didn't we all enjoy the Olympics (at least for a week)?  Seventeen days of coverage, even though prime time only got the highlights, was a bit much.  This year just didn't do it for me.  From what I hear, the security was so overwhelming that there was not the usual exchange of culture between the athletes, guests and the residents.  The village was not designed for that, nor was it recommended to leave the village.  The boredom at the village was shared with the coverage. It is unfortunate, but Sochi was not the best (or close) place to hold Winter Games.  Most of the skiing issues were having to deal with melting snow and iciness.  It was hard to tell that any other countries besides Netherlands, Norway, Russia, Ukraine, USA or Japan were competing, since that amounted to about 99% or more of the coverage.

While this was all going on, the Ukraine was going through a revolution. The Russians are now reacting with their ever-present security keepers (i.e.; soldiers).  I am quite sure the Russians would love to create another union of states, even if they are not Soviet.

Meanwhile back on the home-front, the job market has not improved.  If anything, it is worse than before. Given that I can convince a potential employer that I will perform for them, I will probably have to take a position that is beneath my capabilities and experience level.

So I keep optimistic that an over-fit and under salary will still produce a job.  At least it is finally raining in California!

Stolen
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the
police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless

Something Smells in Sochi

Having watched both the Olympics short programs and free skate of the women's figure skating, and not being any kind of expert, IMHO something is not right with the scoring.  We have seen a similar fishy result with the Chinese gymnasts not being old enough to compete.  It is certainly way overdue for a more transparent way of scoring.  Perhaps a list of the required elements, extra elements and their scores could be displayed.  It is very hard that there was not some sort of bias.

Latest on the employment front: So not only are employers advertising positions that they don't intend to fill, at least not immediately, but they are also pre- pre-screening applicants.  This certainly promulgates false hopes and wastes everyone's time and efforts.  Lining up potential employees before actually getting a contract is not new.  What is new, is not immediately responding with a confirmation that you might still be in the running for a position.  Confirmations on applications are like vegetarian Great White's.  They probably don't exist and nobody is certainly expecting to find one.  How very frustrating the "new" world is!

Helmsman Training

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

AAADD - Classic Grumpy Old Man Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.Grumpy Whinge
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my checkbook.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running...................................... 

Anti Stove-pipe Thinking

It has been a while since my last post, but let me assure you, not much has changed except for my level of anxiety.  Apparently experience and flexibility no longer means what it did.  Now one must have keywords in your repertoire that match the advertised ones to matter.  This is a shortcut for the HR people, but doesn't scratch the surface of one's true experiences.  What is a good employee?  What is a good engineer?

Over the years, remembering individual algorithms or formulas has been replaced with recognizing the need and recalling where to look for that information.  This method adds to the flexibility needed in problem solving based on analysis and design.  There were not any specific acronyms or keywords involved.  The problem was recognized and a solution was at hand.  I suppose this makes me believe that I am a bit old-school...

It has been very interesting explaining this conundrum to interviewers or in a letter of introduction.  Why are they too stove-piped in their processes to see that, and how will I explain my methods' perceived worth?

Being back in the job market has provided me with an opportunity to witness an eye-opener first hand.  I am not grateful for the opportunity, but certainly I am willing to share my experiences to ease someone else grief.  The job market, albeit bad for the most part, is worse here in the Santa Barbara area. One advantage that we do have is the local university.  There are several start-ups locally which could provide some opportunities that I wouldn't normally have.

The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.
On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."
The girl was very flattered.
What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Data, directionless data.

In my last post I claimed that this post would be created on my new computer.  I wish that were true.  It was ordered almost two weeks ago, but has not yet been shipped to me.  While I have been patient, I did complain at how unexpected this "bad" service was.  I asked that the order be expedited, given that the computer is still available.  If not, please let me know so I can order a substitute.

So far, I have not heard anything.  That is pretty much the same reaction that I am not getting from the local HR representatives regarding my job applications.  Going totally electronic means they can more easily ignore me.

So meanwhile, the computer order was not expedited, but now they are claiming that there is a shortage of a needed part.  Of course, they couldn't possibly have told me that ahead of time.

We have way too much data floating about, without a reason for having it, or a direction for it to go.  It is causing us way too much trouble, and we haven't seen the end of it yet. The fact that someone figured out how to make money on collected data means that it will never stop!

Qualities of Leadership
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 





The Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

 

 





Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"

"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."

Plowing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

 





Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Rolling with the flow....

Not seeing any perceived progress for what seems like forever can drive a normally upbeat person to depression.  That wasn't difficult to say, but it was difficult to admit.  

In the beginning, finding companies and positions to apply for was a challenge.  I don't see many undiscovered companies anymore.  The number of positions hasn't decreased, in fact, it has increased.  The unfortunate issue is that you never know if the companies have processed your applications.  They move so slowly...

To switch to some topics that are more upbeat; I am really looking forward to the Olympics starting very soon.  The competitions, the historical story-lines, the whole package. There has been so much publicity about security at Sochi that one begins to wonder if the success of the terrorists is the terror that is created by the fright generated by all the publicity, rather than an actual event.  Of course, they can't take the chance that it is a hoax.  I guess only time will tell.

Isn't it amazing how much bad publicity that can be generated for every possible presidential candidate?  Whether the accusations are real or not isn't the issue.  It is the so-called bad press that the candidate receives.  Perception is so much of what the public remembers.

For those of you that were REALLY turned of by the bad conducts of the American Idol judges last year, let me say that that appears to be quite over.  I said I'd never watch it again unless JLO comes back.  Well she did, and this year so far has such a different feel than last year.  These judges are having fun and they are ADULT!

Well, to add insult to injury, my computer recently went belly-up, bigtime- unrepairable.  Lucky for me I have an cloud service that backs up all my files.  The only task worse than buying a car is buying a computer.  What I have just looked at in the store- without even buying one, is already way out of date.  It is very difficult to honestly believe that you are getting what you want, for what you want to pay for it- AND that it will still be usable in at least a year!

I am putting this post together on a borrowed computer, so hopefully, my next post will be on the new one...

Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Progress is not always in a positive direction

As interviews go, I have had one of worst recently that I can recall.  The interviewer was obviously stove-piped on his own products and could not see that good engineering practices and a broad set of experiences could possibly have any relevance to his needs.  I treasure my capability to analyze almost any process from an outside-the-box perspective.  Obviously, this wasn't the right person to interview with.

Do any of you feel that Chris Christie is getting a bad rap?  Apparently the Democrats believe that he is a threat to Hillary's future campaign, so they are raking his character over the coals.  He was (and still may be) the Republican party's best and only hope of a decent show at the primaries.  My bet is that he will be totally exonerated of any bad or illegal doings, but will have had his name drug though the equivalent of the Holy inquisition for no other reason than to breed doubt amongst the voters.

I just spent just under an hour bouncing around on the Covered CA site for Obamacare.  They couldn't possibly have made it any simpler, except for the most important part; which doctors does it cover?  Seems like a simple idea: "I want to keep the same doctor that I have had for(ever)".  Can I?

The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Not A Fun Task

Next to interviews (which I seem to be great at), I really dislike cold-calls to check on positions that I've applied for.  HR departments used to reply right away with messages that claimed that they were evaluating your application to check for a fit.  That gave you a warm-fuzzy that they at least received it.  Now very few applications (at least in my experience) are acknowledged.  This forces a cold-call after what seems forever, but may only be a week.  While they are evaluating many, many applications, I only want to know about mine. What ever happened to manners?

Some companies work very slowly.  It could take a month for them to come up with a suitable suite of applicants to interview.  Waiting is horrendous...

BTW, can anyone claim that they bought a "Made in the USA" Christmas present for a gift?  If you didn't, then consider yourself part of the problem...

"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"  (Who can watch the watchmen?)
    -- from the Satires of Juvenal

Overheard on Dear Abby

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

End of the Year

We had some free passes for The Hobbit and decided to use them while the movie was still available.  I was very impressed with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but the first installment of the Hobbit trilogy was a bit disappointing.  The Desolation of Smaug was not that way at all, except that the movie ended leaving us hanging for the third installment.

The performances were particularly striking (especially elves Evangeline Lilly and Orlando Bloom) and the setting unbelievable.  It is understandable why they spend so much time doing these movies, since the sets are so over-the-top.  The photography is phenomenal, since the dwarves are as tall as 6'2", but look the correct heights for dwarves.  Frequently they are photographed with taller people and objects and the proportions are kept pretty correct.  Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug was absolutely amazing!

 

For New Year's Eve, we decided to play it low-key.  First we went on a history-drenched Urban Hike about Santa Barbara to retrace the Padre's Route to/from town from the Mission.  It was well attended to the tune of about 140 people, when 70 or less were expected.  The organizers punted and it was very informative and interesting.  It was covered by the local TV station, KEYT.  Then we came home for a quick dinner followed by a late evening movie, The Wolf of Wall Street. 

This movie, albeit way too long, was more than likely more accurate than we'd all like to admit.  The debauchery, drugs, and excess everything was difficult to take (especially for three hours).  While the performances of the lead actors was commendable, I believe the movie was excessive on all counts.  IMHO, it will not be a contender for Best Picture, but will make lots of money at the box office.

A new monk reads the ORIGINAL texts

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

Life As We Know It

This is real scary.  Read these articles Plastisphere & Marine Ecosystem and scare yourself silly.

It looks like oil could be the detriment to societal evolution that could force man to extinction or to another planet!  Imagine the pollution (as in China now), from coal generating plants and unbridled or filtered gasoline engine exhaust.  This helping to create a gradual deterioration of the ozone layer and global warming.  If that isn't bad enough, reading this article informs me that the lowest forms of life in the ocean is getting plasticized with minute pieces of plastic pollution.  How will that effect the food chain?  How will that effect evolution?  How will that effect human physiology?  Is it reversible?

All the more reason to get away from oil and oil products (i.e. plastic).  There are good substitutes for oil products such as glass, vegetable-starch plastics, et cetera.  We (global we) need to move in that direction very fast and very hard.

The first thing we can do is to stop buying (and propagating the use of) plastic bottles (such as for water).  It would be an AMAZING feat to wean the world off of the use of plastic bottled water.  I am as guilty as anyone liking the convenience... but it is killing us somewhere else.

Sign of the Season

Socrates
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Minimum Wage Earner

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Just a Spark

Working at Casa Esperanza and serving Christmas Eve dinner to the less fortunate was a good experience.  I worked in the kitchen first, cutting cooked chicken and emptying cans of applesauce.  Eventually, all the food was brought out to a buffet line and a long line formed.  We filled trays with chicken, potatoes, rice, salad, yogurt, corn, and desserts.  Everyone was very thankful and polite.

This place is much different than the Rescue Mission, as it provides showers and lodging.  Everyone that came to dinner was clean and planning on settling down for the evening watching TV after dinner, and then sleeping in the provided warmth.  I definitely recommend that everyone perform this service, at least once, any time of the year.  We were invited to return.

Meanwhile, a spark of spirit began to appear and I guessed I was ready for the next day.  After we left there, we drove up the main part of downtown to find a place for our dinner, and then we had to return and fill the stockings and put out gifts under our tree for the next morning.

While our celebration was definitely toned down, because of my elephant in the corner, but also because our kids are much older and know where this stuff comes from.

We also had a quiet holiday dinner with just two of our kids (Brett is in Montana for the holiday season).  It was quite wonderful.  We had prime rib, loaded mashed potatoes and gravy and a string bean casserole.  The temptations of desserts were on display, but would have to wait.  

We packed dinner away and then headed out to see a movie.  The movie of choice was American Hustle.  The performances of Christian Bale and Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper was absolute perfection.  I would not be surprised to see this movie walk away with many Oscars.  These actors have become our new favorite stars, each in their own right.  We highly recommend the experience of traveling back to the seventies while watching this movie.

A couple was going out
for the evening. They had gotten ready, put the dog outside, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out, the dog runs back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

Spirit Versus Holiday Rush

During our everyday rush, we usually see someone with sign begging for some financial help, due to homelessness, or being unemployed, or something.  Like many people, I usually ignore them because I have difficulty believing that they are what they say.  I usually make my donations via charities.

My wife, on the other hand, usually buys them something to eat and gifts them, surprising many that just wanted the cash.

This year, besides my monetary contributions and foodstuffs to the local Foodbanks, we decided to get closer to the spirit of  contribution.  We also needed a transfusion of Christmas spirit, if that's possible.  We volunteered to serve lunch yesterday at the Rescue Mission, and serve dinner tonight at Casa Esperanza.  In this fashion, I will feel that my time and very little effort will be utilized at the lowest level- "where the rubber meets the road", so to speak.

Serving lunch yesterday was a good experience and we met many grateful people, and a few friends that were also volunteering.

Don't let the Holiday rush get the best of you.  Let your hearts give of your time and spirit.  Try to go with the flow...

CORPORATE Christmas MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Spirits?

While I still have wrapping and some Christmas shopping to do, I am really getting bored.  It is amazingly difficult to be home, especially when everyone else (save the dog and cat) are gone.  TV sucks, even more than at night.  I'm pretty caught up on my "Honey-do-list", and I just don't have any holiday spirit this year.

We have already done some volunteer work and plan to serve dinner on Christmas Eve to the unfortunate.  I hope that my spirits rise, but so far no-go.

Perhaps my spirits will pick up if I drink some....

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I was driving along
in the used car I just bought off of craigslist when the check engine light came on. I forgot to do that before buying so I was worried it might have the wrong engine

so I popped the hood and it had a decent looking V8, as advertised so I thought to myself good, I wasnt ripped off I said thanks to the car and acknowledged that its a nice engine, and figured it was all good. the light was still on, so maybe it meant performance check, so I floored it in neutral and the rev limiter worked fine, but the light was still on. so then I put it in D & floored it up till it pegged the speedometer, and all was good, I drove to the mountains and drove as hard and fast as I could, but its still telling me to check the engine. how do you do it?

needless to say I got tired of checking the engine after I burned up a pair of tires, 5 tanks of gas I and found myself in the canadian wilderness.

so I taped over the light.

Becoming Unsocial

When my daughter got to high school, I decided to get a Facebook account.  This was more to watch over her page and protect her from putting the wrong stuff on her page.  She graduated from college this year in May, so it is high time that I stop looking at her page or my son's.  Today I DEACTIVATED my account, since Fleecebook won't let you close your account down!

This was prompted because I finally have had it with my settings changing at Zuckerberg's whim. I changed my settings for notices- shut them off, then the automatic updates of the app on my phone reverses that- or loses the settings.  How can I tell? My niece seems to post all kinds of crap in ten minute intervals, for the WORLD to marvel at.  I don't care about being notified or even seeing what she has magically come up with since the last post.  Also, my kids seem to go out of their way to post crap that pisses me off for some reason or another, so I give up.  I just GIVE UP.

When I bought the smart phone (I really had no choice, if I wanted a new phone- but that's another story), it came with Fleecebook permanently installed (I'm sure they paid plenty for that).

If anybody cares, I am available by email (three accounts), cell phone, home phone, and strangely as it may seem (I guess I'm an old geezer for saying this), I'm mostly available IN-PERSON.  If someone wants to share an experience, picture or invitation (not likely), I'm sure they can find me (much happier without Fleecebook notifications).

Fleecebook tells me that they are keeping my account for me while it is deactivated- SHOULD I EVER CHANGE MY MIND!

Just in case you don't know or have forgotten why I call Facebook as Fleecebook, let me explain:  Most people see Facebook as a wonderment of science that provides all kinds of fun things to do- and for free!  What they very quickly forget (if they ever knew) is that the data they post is the product that Fleecebook gathers, sorts, rearranges and SELLS.  It is a painless operation as your identity and personality is sucked away into the databases of Facebook- (i.e. from Wikipedia: To fleece someone, slang term for causing someone to be ripped off, or an unfair transaction.). Hence Facebook fleeces their users of their identity.....

Refusing to Take the Blame
As we head into for the holidays, a friend of mine sent me some of my favorite candy. He sent two pounds.

Of course, I had to send a proper thank-you message. We chat a lot by e-mail, so that's how I sent it. The subject line was "I'm personally blaming you" -- and inside it continues "...for my holiday weight gain...."

His reply was priceless. You can sort of tell he provides services for attorneys:

THIS IS AN AUTO-RESPONDER MESSAGE

PLEASE EXCUSE THE DELAY IN THIS RESPONSE; OUR SERVERS ARE OVERLOADED WITH AUTO-RESPONSES FOR MESSAGES TO OUR DOMAINS CONTAINING THE SUBJECT

"I'm personally blaming you"

We are sorry that due to the extremely large volume of messages blaming Delbert D. Mactavish, his corporations, employees, affiliates and minions, we are unable to respond individually to your complaints.

Please be aware that we are extremely sympathetic to your concerns. We wish to sincerely apologize for any or all of the following conditions that may or may not have been directly or indirectly caused by any action or inaction of Mr. Russell D. Waters, his corporations, employees, affiliates, minions or any other construed or inconstrued agencies:

1. Unexpected pregnancy
2. Computer crashes
3. Sudden weight gain or loss
4. Dizziness
5. Urge to sign up for Hotmail
6. Desire to upgrade to Windows 8
7. Affection for the latest iPhone
8. ADD
9. ADHD
10. Any other physical, emotional, mental or extraterrestrial disorder

While our court supervised bankruptcy status will not permit remuneration now or in the future, we do deeply regret any suffering even remotely caused by our negligence, malpractice or premature rebooting.

Have a beer!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson