Becoming Unsocial

When my daughter got to high school, I decided to get a Facebook account.  This was more to watch over her page and protect her from putting the wrong stuff on her page.  She graduated from college this year in May, so it is high time that I stop looking at her page or my son's.  Today I DEACTIVATED my account, since Fleecebook won't let you close your account down!

This was prompted because I finally have had it with my settings changing at Zuckerberg's whim. I changed my settings for notices- shut them off, then the automatic updates of the app on my phone reverses that- or loses the settings.  How can I tell? My niece seems to post all kinds of crap in ten minute intervals, for the WORLD to marvel at.  I don't care about being notified or even seeing what she has magically come up with since the last post.  Also, my kids seem to go out of their way to post crap that pisses me off for some reason or another, so I give up.  I just GIVE UP.

When I bought the smart phone (I really had no choice, if I wanted a new phone- but that's another story), it came with Fleecebook permanently installed (I'm sure they paid plenty for that).

If anybody cares, I am available by email (three accounts), cell phone, home phone, and strangely as it may seem (I guess I'm an old geezer for saying this), I'm mostly available IN-PERSON.  If someone wants to share an experience, picture or invitation (not likely), I'm sure they can find me (much happier without Fleecebook notifications).

Fleecebook tells me that they are keeping my account for me while it is deactivated- SHOULD I EVER CHANGE MY MIND!

Just in case you don't know or have forgotten why I call Facebook as Fleecebook, let me explain:  Most people see Facebook as a wonderment of science that provides all kinds of fun things to do- and for free!  What they very quickly forget (if they ever knew) is that the data they post is the product that Fleecebook gathers, sorts, rearranges and SELLS.  It is a painless operation as your identity and personality is sucked away into the databases of Facebook- (i.e. from Wikipedia: To fleece someone, slang term for causing someone to be ripped off, or an unfair transaction.). Hence Facebook fleeces their users of their identity.....

Refusing to Take the Blame
As we head into for the holidays, a friend of mine sent me some of my favorite candy. He sent two pounds.

Of course, I had to send a proper thank-you message. We chat a lot by e-mail, so that's how I sent it. The subject line was "I'm personally blaming you" -- and inside it continues "...for my holiday weight gain...."

His reply was priceless. You can sort of tell he provides services for attorneys:

THIS IS AN AUTO-RESPONDER MESSAGE

PLEASE EXCUSE THE DELAY IN THIS RESPONSE; OUR SERVERS ARE OVERLOADED WITH AUTO-RESPONSES FOR MESSAGES TO OUR DOMAINS CONTAINING THE SUBJECT

"I'm personally blaming you"

We are sorry that due to the extremely large volume of messages blaming Delbert D. Mactavish, his corporations, employees, affiliates and minions, we are unable to respond individually to your complaints.

Please be aware that we are extremely sympathetic to your concerns. We wish to sincerely apologize for any or all of the following conditions that may or may not have been directly or indirectly caused by any action or inaction of Mr. Russell D. Waters, his corporations, employees, affiliates, minions or any other construed or inconstrued agencies:

1. Unexpected pregnancy
2. Computer crashes
3. Sudden weight gain or loss
4. Dizziness
5. Urge to sign up for Hotmail
6. Desire to upgrade to Windows 8
7. Affection for the latest iPhone
8. ADD
9. ADHD
10. Any other physical, emotional, mental or extraterrestrial disorder

While our court supervised bankruptcy status will not permit remuneration now or in the future, we do deeply regret any suffering even remotely caused by our negligence, malpractice or premature rebooting.

Have a beer!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson 

Brrrrrrrr

Well, one thing that I can say without hesitation:  I can certainly handle heat better than cold.  Little reminders, such as this week's weather means there is no doubt that I will ever want to live in places that get real weather.

Not much news to share, except how much I continue to dislike the holiday season for what it has become.  It is way too commercial and geared towards spending.  Very little effort is put into the true meaning of Christmas, anymore.

Black Friday, green Friday.. whatever color you call it is just a guilt-ridden invitation to go into debt to take advantage of sales.  Gotta have this, gotta have that.  Let's put our Christmas stuff out before Halloween...  Why not leave it out all year around?  This is a short buying/selling season this year, so things are worse than usual... much worse.

It all gets back to my original desire to return to simpler times.  You could leave your front door unlocked, trust your neighbors, teachers and Priests.  Nobody wanted to hurt anybody else.  Everyone worked towards the greater good.  

There were no homeless, because neighbors would take them in.  There were no complaints about displaying the Ten Commandments or the Star of David.  People worshiped however they wished.

I think those days are gone, and so are the places where that could exist.  Too bad.

Air New Zealand
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

Her Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the heck, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."

"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

In a small Southern town
there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

A New Breed of HR

Talk about electronic courtesy: so far not one of my callbacks following a job application has netted a returned call, as I left a voice mail message for each of the human resource types.  These must be a new breed of HR people.  They don't answer the phone in person, and they don't return calls unless it is to their own advantage.  It is a cold, cold world out there...

Another interesting tidbit is that many of the companies that I have applied to also have openings for web designers.  It is no doubt that they are needed, as most company websites are poorly designed and not intuitive in the least.  They suffer from the biggest problem that human interfaces have: the people that implement them are not the users.  They are too close to their own work, cannot see the forest for the trees...

I received a returned call from an HR representative today, and I was in shock.  I thanked her and explained how rude most of them are.  She agreed.

Today, I have trouble, much trouble, drumming up some holiday spirit.  Last night I wangled out of going to the the annual Christmas parade, considering it was colder than a well digger's behind and the parade is always the same.  The only time it is different is the first time you see it, or if one of your kids are in it.

We are invited to a holiday pot luck party tonight, but I really don't want to go.  I don't want to discuss the elephant in the room or try to be festive when I'm not. I think putting it aside for my wife (if she asked) would be okay, but I really have no desire to go.  

The Christmas shopping season is extremely short this year and I'm not sure how I will contend, as I have no idea what to buy- nor can I justify the expense.  A big thank-you to my ex-employer for making this the best holiday season ever.  They expect our hard work and loyalty, but that is as far as it goes...I don't want to be called a Scrooge this year, so I will probably fake a smile and play along.

The Politically Correct 12 Days Of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Electronic Courtesy? Good Luck.

In this high tech world, where a printed resume with beautiful fonts and emphasized highlights won't cut it anymore, one would think that courtesy comes in an electronic flavor to match the required format of the application.  Apply, apply and apply again, and then you must wait.

Used to be, one would make that awkward follow-up call to get one's resume to the top of the pile again.  That may not work any longer.  Many of the the company websites do not provide physical addresses or phone numbers, but instead, a form to fill that will be emailed to the appropriate "filter" person.  More electronic queues...

So what do you do while you wait, besides more applications?  How about volunteering at a charity or taking a class to enrich your capabilities?  This is a new "employment" world that I never wanted or expected to experience again.  I just know that I am not ready to join the rocking-chair set and still don't have the patience for golf.  I have bills to pay just like everyone else, but the only feeling of emergence are my own- apparently.

 

Cheer Up

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those nights when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Morning
Lord give me a fake smile for the people I can tolerate until they go away, and a place to hide the bodies of those I can't. 

It's Beginning to Feel A Lot Like Christmas - NOT

Can you actually believe that it is December ALREADY ?  Of course, COSTCO had some Christmas stuff on the shelves before Halloween... but we don't take it seriously.  I have friends that always have their Christmas shopping done before December 1st.  That is not fair... they need to suffer with the rest of us.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch..  Much thanks to Bobby Flay for the stuffing and turkey assistance, and to Paula Deen for the holiday pies.  Everything was way too scrumptious.  Now I have to figure out how to lose it all before Christmas gets here.

I am planning to make a conscious effort to volunteer somewhere before Christmas.  It is my new "top of the Christmas season list" item.  I need to pick someplace that I know is doing good AND will make me feel good about volunteering.  Hopefully it is a remedy for despair... We all should do that sometime during the year.

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if:

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know,back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a Benetton. 

True Dat!

An unfortunate delay in getting a new blog entry created... Being blind-sighted by an unexpected layoff at work really changes your priorities and reveals the reasons that you treasured your job, actually enjoyed and looked forward to going to work. Also, previously obscured frailties in how your company worked or failed to work actually come to light. You realize that management has severe issues that they are not dealing with very well.  The biggest of which is the top-heavy nature of their own management organization.  They nonchalantly emphasize that any Johnny-off-the-street could do the actual technological tasks, for the management positions are where the brains are.  What they are missing is that a balance must be reached and maintained between those that do the work and those that decide who does it.  Their ignorance cost the company business, jobs and progress.  We are all therefore forced to take backward steps before we can take forward ones.

So now that a pall has been hung over my family's holiday season and my future livelihood, I realize that retirement has just been kicked down the road like the proverbial can.  I must do my best to hold my head high and ever so slightly ignore the elephant in the room, if only for a month or so.

Meanwhile, tasks of a new employment, as well as a grim reality of evaluating Obamacare first hand are being undertaken. More on my progress in the next post...

Why does it still bother me that many contests and special offers REQUIRE me to enter through Fleecebook ?  Why do they think that I am stupid enough to tell everyone that I entered so they do too AND why should I let Fleecebook sell that information ? I enter a lot of contests (enter NOT win), but I never enter one via Fleecebook...

Change ?

Is it a surprise that a bunch of contractors would interpret interfaces between their software packages differently ?  Did we really expect Obamacare to be a panacea to all our healthcare issues ?  Did we not expect that there would be adjustments and modifications to the online registration ?  Let us, for one minute, not be naive.  In the real world, everything we see and buy goes through iterative development and fervent testing a validation.  Putting the gubmint ($20,000 toilet seats) in charge, was certainly the wrong approach.  Soooooooo, let's give this new online registration website a chance for the bugs to be worked out...  without overreacting.

Obama promised us "Change", but he never said for the better, or for the worse....

This weekend we are going to have a garage sale.  We have been staging "stuff" from our attic and inside our house for weeks now.  It is a successful adventure for two reasons: 1) we dispose of gobs of "stuff" and 2) all that doesn't sell, doesn't go back into the house.  I load all the remaining items into my truck and deliver it to charity.

Interesting though, are the types of people that visit your sale.  There are the "dealers" which show up early and try to get "stuff" really cheap, so they can resell it.  There are the people who need nothing, but enjoy hassling you for even lower prices- and then don't buy anything.  Those are the ones that stand out, while the average Joes and Janes look about and buy very little- and mostly things they don't need.  I guess this is a necessary thinning of our "stuff" and lightening of our load.  We both enjoy watching people, like in an airport terminal or train station or, in this case, a garage sale.  The main goal here is to be rid of this "stuff".  If I manage to get some gas money in the process, so be it....

Headlines In The Year 2035
1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

3. Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.

4. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

5. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

6. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

7. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

8. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

9. Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

10. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

11. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

12. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

15. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

16. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

17. Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.

18. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

We Need Protection?

When I was a kid I was usually sent to ride in the far back area of our station wagon.  There, I could play with my army men or cars or trucks.  I had no car seat or seat belt.  Now most people would be aghast at riding in a car without s seat belt or without buckling there kids into car seats.

I used to carry a dime in my wallet so if I had an emergency, I could use a payphone.  I never worried about being out without immediate access to a phone.  When I went to the grocery store, if it wasn't on my list, it didn't get bought.  My wife couldn't call me at the store with additional items to buy.

We never had airbags in any of our cars AND we has metal dashboards.  Now we are afraid to drive a car without airbags.  My first two cars didn't have seat-belts!  I added them, but we didn't always wear them.

I rode several bicycles when I was a kid, and I never had a helmet to wear.  I would have been laughed at.  We used to wear skates that fit onto the soles of our shoes and they had metal wheels.  We didn't wear knee and elbow protectors or helmets when we skated.  Our skateboards were made out of parts from our skates and we didn't wear any protective equipment.

Besides the fact that many laws have been passed to protect us from our laziness or stupidity, we have become a generation of wusses. With good reasons behind all of the safety laws and requirements, for the most part, we have still become afraid to take chances.

The biggest problem that I see is that we take more stupid chances because we have safety equipment supposedly protecting us.  Which leads me to a famous [redneck] saying, "Hey ya'll watch this...".  Are we generally lazy, stupid or just show offs when we perform stupid stunts and make it to the Darwin Awards?  Do we really need legislation to protect us?  The saying goes "Stupidity cures itself!" and therefore tends to clean out the gene pool when necessary!

What were they thinking OR were they ?

I recently re-evaluated the asking price for my car. There is an evaluation tool on the Hagerty Insurance website that I used.  My asking price is reasonably within the ballpark for a average quality 1961 Corvette with a four speed transmission and hard/soft tops.  My experience last weekend is more related to the wholesale versus the retail pricing scheme.  Certainly if one sells to a dealer, they are expecting wholesale pricing [if they are to stay in business], while selling to a private party is usually at retail level.

Being in the software industry, it is unfathomable that the gubmint wouldn't validate the Obamacare website before putting it into use.  For as much as it cost the gubmint [or really cost us], the software should hold our hand at every step of the signup process.  Apparently, different states used different contractors for their respective interfaces to Obamacare, OR the residents of certain states are just to computer illiterate to operate the user interfaces. 

What were they thinking OR were they ?

Computer Issues/Passwords
Setting your password:

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical character.

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

Sorry, you must use additional characters.

OK, 1freakingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1FREAKINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1Freakingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK, 1FREAKINGprettyroseshovedupyourbehindifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfreakingnow

Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.

Sex and the Law
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Maybe it looks different backwards?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

Principals Only- NO DEALERS ALLOWED!

I had trouble sleeping because of the projected anxiety of the weekend's activities.  I love that car, but I have a price [in my heart] that will allow me to pass it on to another owner.  I thought that that was going to happen this weekend.

I spent all of Saturday [until I was beat] detailing the car, so that it was ready for the reveal to my potential buyer on Sunday. The way I understood the situation, this "dealer" was sourcing a car for a buyer that had authorized the purchase.  The commission was already agreed upon and the buyer was picking up the costs of the trip to retrieve the car.

When the "dealer" arrived, I got a whole different story.  The so-called customer dropped out of the picture and the "dealer" was representing the dealership, and therefore wanted a wholesale price. While the original buyer was prepared to accept the car as-is, warts and all, the "dealer" picked on every wart [and they are nit-sized] to attempt to convince me that I should sell the car to him for a much reduced price [so that he can make a profit when he sells it and cover the costs of retrieval].  I am not desperate to sell the car, and certainly not at a loss.

All this was discussed on the phone.  It was a bad choice for the "dealer" to drive out here from Montana with a trailer on the off-chance that I would kowtow to his price.  He made me a low-ball offer [I assume to check my level of motivation.  His attitude changed a bit when I didn't jump on it. We believe he was planning a "buying" trip to restock, so he probably is not returning  with an empty trailer....

It was a learning experience, but still a giant waste of time.  What I take away from the experience is that the cards are stacked against anyone that attempts a sale with a dealer.  Obviously they are only involved to make money.  Their tactics, no matter how honest and forthright they seem, are closer to a shyster lawyer than you want to believe.  This has convinced me to only deal with principals - no dealers.

It is certainly unfortunate that the slippery ones give all of them a bad name and cause an upheaval in my stomach.  You can't sugar-coat the truth.

For future dealings that involve used-car salesmen..  refer to the Used-Car Salesman's Training Manual.

"There's a sucker born every minute."  P. T. Barnum

Expressions For High Stress Days

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 

All is Well That Ends Well...

A very unusual week. The gubmint comes through in the last minutes [as I expected].  Somehow I caught a cold [and I normally don't].  I can't remember the last one I fended off. And there is a whole high-anxiety scenario about the Vette.

I have had an ad on Vettehound.com for over a year.  You know the old saying- everything is for sale at the right price, right.  I originally listed the car at $60K, but the economy being what it was, I lowered it to $55K.  I have, in my heart, my actual bottom selling price.  While I love my car, it has always presented one big problem to me- it is almost all original and a survivor with just over 75K miles on it.  Considering that it is fifty-two years old, theoretically it should have roughly 624,000 miles on it at 12,000 a year.  It was stored for a long time, so it is called a survivor.  I was always reminded of that when I drove it, so I was essentially forced to drive it very little, just enough to keep it alive.  Also, that was a big deterrent in any resto-mod efforts, like electronic ignition or disc brakes.  I was pretty restricted. I thought that I would really enjoy working on it, and I did, for the little that I did.  I really never could make the time- which did not go well with my wife, because she saw all that money sitting in the garage- not being utilized for other things.

I really enjoy driving sports cars or muscle cars [except for today's cost of fuel]- so the economical and better thing to do is sell the car and buy something smaller, cheaper and not classic.  I'm sure this will break my heart and I definitely will regret it.

Meanwhile, my generator stopped functioning and I took the car to my mechanic friend, since I didn't have time to deal with it.  I expected that the armature could be rewound locally and all would be okay.  The model of Vette that I have, has a tachometer takeoff at the back of the generator and for that reason, it could not be rewound locally.  I was offered a place in Los Angeles that could do the job in two weeks at the cost of $800!!!  That being outrageous, I decided to find a rebuilt unit on the internet.  I found one for $300 and it was dropped by the USeless Postal Service, hard enough to break one of the end plates.  Luckily, my mechanic performed magic and the unit was still in working condition.  The seller agreed to refund a portion of the cost due to it being packed so poorly. I finally got my operational car back after a week and a half.

Meanwhile (again), there was a party in Montana that is very interested in the car.  So much so, that they are driving out here with a trailer to see the car, perhaps buy it and transport it back to Montana.  My high- anxiety came from all of this activity which could prevent me from even having the car at home and available for this potential buyer to evaluate.  Sooooooo they say, all is well that ends well.  We shall see...

Truths for Mature Humans
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Did you know?
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump".

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for three years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The longest word in the English language in 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you pass wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.

Watching Congress is Like Watching Paint Dry

I am sitting here waiting for the battery to charge in the ol' Vette and enjoying the sunshine in the patio.  This is the first time I am blogging from my phone.  This week was also the first time for me to print to my Wi-Fi enabled printer.  They are great.  I could even print pictures directly...

At any rate, I have decided that I will never ask again why would I want to do something.  Somebody else already figured out what the use of that capability is.

I wondered [this last week] what the use of congress is, given that their constitutional task is to represent the people- which they are not doing.  Afoot is a movement to hold pay from congress when they don't do their jobs.  I say fire them for incompetence!!!

Bumper Snickers
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere)
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

To there and back again...

So having returned from my recent trip to Massachusetts, I can, with exact certainty, claim that driving in Boston should be forbidden. My first foray into attempting to drive and park in Boston was four years ago. This time we are better equipped with smart phones and a GPS unit and (honestly) it made no difference. Only a small portion of the streets of Boston have signage, and even some of those are covered by foliage. Having a unit tell you to turn at "ABC Street" doesn't do any good it you can't read a street sign (if there was one). Fortunately, we were smart enough not to even attempt parking this time.

Riding the "T" [subway] is the way to go. If it isn't within walking distance from the T, we just don't go there. That would make the visit to Boston soooo much better.

Great food, great arts, great history and for the most part, great people. It is a very interesting area to visit.

The original plan was to attend a family wedding in East Hampton, but the plan morphed into much more. We also lunched with cousins on my side of the family [in Harvard Square], visited JFK Library and the Commonwealth Archives [to see an original copy of the Declaration of Independence], visited the marathon bombsite, visited Concord [by canoeing to the North Bridge], 

then visiting Sleepy Hollow Cemetery [the graves of Henry Thoreau (1862), Nathaniel Hawthorne (1864), Ralph Waldo Emerson (1882) and Louisa May Alcott (1888)],  then on to Lexington, Walden Pond, and Kendall Square to stay with good friends.

The friends we stayed with lived on the sixteenth floor with fantastic views from each window:

 

  Mindful of recent events and where we were, the location of the marathon finish [and therefore, the unthinkable] was still clearly marked:

All in all, excepting the airplane flights [which is a whole 'nuther story], it was a very full, fruitful and enjoyable trip.  Even reading a good book ["Still Foolin' Em" by Billy Crystal] did not redeem the poor quality of the flights....

Anagrams

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

Change

He promised us change.  The change that POTUS gave us was that he would ask Congress to validate his cause and grant him permission to attack another country.  Bush wouldn't (and didn't) do that.  No matter what you say (or hear) about POTUS, one cannot doubt his good intentions and lofty ideals.  The unfortunately truth about the POTUS is that they always inherit the mistakes of their predecessors.  It is the strength that he exudes that makes him better than them, albeit forgiving him for being human and allowing him the luxury of making mistakes.

I used to keep my car spotless.  I used to keep my camera spotless.  I used to eat the hottest and spiciest foods that I could get. I used to have an occasional mixed drink.  I used to do the maintenance on my car and my yard.  I haven't figured out whether I no longer have interest in those things, or really just don't care anymore.  Perhaps this comes with age or realizing what one's limitations are, given the timetable and stress level.  What amazes me the most, though, is that I always seem to have more than enough time to enter another contest, knowing full well that I probably won't win and that even the infinitesimally small chance that I have at winning- is tainted for sure.

Tonight I leave on a red-eye flight to Boston.  We are attending a family wedding.  This is really an excuse for a reunion of sorts.  The family does not get together very often, weddings and funerals.  I like the weddings better...

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have their way with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.

If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

You're never too old to learn ...something stupid. 

To Be or Not To Be

Apparently the gubmint can't figure out what do do- bomb Syria or not.  With each news item that I read, they (POTUS and Congress), they have managed to flip-flop yet again.  I think it is a bad idea to be violent and kill to punish for killing.  There is always another way.  We have rattled sabres so long now that we have lost face.  Can we explain it away or has the rest of the world lost their fear of our words, which don't seem to hold up anymore?  It is a disgustingly complicated and distasteful situation that we have handled poorly.  The final outcome will further test our capabilities to put good results after bad planning and shooting off our mouths...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting _at_ you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice 

OMG

I never thought I would ever agree with Sarah Palin about anything, but recently she commented about the Syrian ordeal:  "Let Allah sort it out later..." is what she said.  I agree that someone crossed the infamous red line in Syria, but we really don't know absolutely for sure who that was.  What should be done ?  Probably the worst action that could be taken, is more violence.  There are way too many extenuating circumstances regarding which group would end up in power when the dust settled.  Perhaps an economic blockade would be more effective...

Italian secret to a long marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage Seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her a nice, a spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us, what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Einsteins theory of relativity: The more money you have the closer your relatives are.

Syrian Strife

It is really unfortunate that sometimes when you really want to do the right thing, obstacles are put in your way to dissuade you and try to convince you that the correct action should not be guided by what is right and just.  History will reflect on the Syrian crisis with Obama trying to do the right and just thing for the Syrian people, but the means to accomplish that action includes military actions which most people have had more than enough of.  He is obviously between a rock and a hard place, and there isn't an obvious solution to the problem, which is one reason that we have stayed out of their civil war for the last two and a half years. The whole region is rife with unrest and is ready to explode into one big war. IMHO we should not light that fuse at this time....

Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,

“We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Way too much driving for a vacation...

I'm not sure what it is, but on each and every one of our stops, whether for fuel or for the evening, the little town we stopped in between here and Weed, contained an old movie theater names State.  Even Santa Barbara had a State theater when I was a kid.  This night shot above was taken in Auburn.  It is so appropriate that a movie from 1951 was playing (my birth year).  The marquee on this one particularly caught my attention, with bright and fast moving neon lights.

Many of the other ones that I saw were in the daylight, and were painted in pretty boring color combinations, like they were trying to hide the gargantuan buildings.

Being that I saw so many with the same name, I wondered whether it was a coincidence or if they were part of a chain of theaters.

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Diary of a Sad Dog

Dear Diary – It has occurred to me today that my dearest human has never sniffed my backside. I must bond with him in different ways. Like my father always used to say, if you want someone to look you in the eye make sure that your mouth smells exactly like your butt. It’s difficult to argue with that logic and so I have eaten some rotting earthworms in preparation for my dear human’s return, as well as one of his socks.

Dear Diary – it’s not so much that I miss my testicles; I know it’s a rite of passage in our pack and I’m sure that my dearest human has had his removed as well but when that one bulldog comes to the dog park and parades his testicles around I can’t help but notice how Ginger looks at them. I love Ginger. To be fair I will admit he has a fine smelling butt.

Dear Diary– the cat is a curious magical creature. It’s as if a teddybear mated with a cactus and it’s much less fun to play with then it would appear and yet it poops delicious candy into a box of pee flavored sprinkles. Dearest human guards these treats jealously, often harvesting them into a barrel, but I will admit that I sneak one from time to time. They are delicious, forgive me.

Dear Diary– this is the 733rd day that I have tried to test what cat swore to me was true; namely, that if you hump anything long enough you will find a flower. So far the results have been mixed. My dearest human’s leg flower has not revealed itself. However I’m almost certain that I felt something on the brown teddy bear. More tests are needed.

Dear Diary – I have yet to see my dearest human poop anywhere, I suspect he may not know how. I have resolved to teach him when we patrol the neighborhood each day in search of man with hats and beards. It is embarrassing to do in public but he must learn somehow, I fear he will die of constipation If don’t succeed. Fortunately my dearest human seems to show some interest and is now collecting my feces in a small bag. Soon.

Dear Diary - I must be more careful when licking myself. My dearest human seems sensitive about it, most likely because he is incapable of licking his own. As always I am in awe of his ability to be so noble despite what I can imagine are filthy, filthy. He hides them everyday.

Dear Diary - Today I have added a fourth circle to my pre-pooping ritual. As before the first circle is to verify that I do in fact need to poop. The second is to check for gremlins and men with beards and hats. The third is to re-verify my need for pooping, and now the fourth is to honor my newly deceased toy stuffed llama. Rest in peace, I didn’t mean to shake your head off.

Dear Diary - I told the cat about how my dearest human has promoted me, teaching me to shake hands so I can participate in his business dealings. However, cat pointed out that I am often unaware of what I am shaking on. For example, when I shook the neighbor's hand this morning, I have no clue what I agreed to, none. Cat says this is how the devil buys souls. I will pee on the bed for comfort.

Dear Diary - My dearest human asked me where the ball was when it was clearly in plain sight. I brought it over and he threw it even farther away then asked me where it was and was very happy when I brought it again; perhaps a metaphor? Dearest human leaves each day and I am happy when he returns wait, maybe he is the ball and I am dearest human this is too much... I must pee on the bed.