To there and back again...

So having returned from my recent trip to Massachusetts, I can, with exact certainty, claim that driving in Boston should be forbidden. My first foray into attempting to drive and park in Boston was four years ago. This time we are better equipped with smart phones and a GPS unit and (honestly) it made no difference. Only a small portion of the streets of Boston have signage, and even some of those are covered by foliage. Having a unit tell you to turn at "ABC Street" doesn't do any good it you can't read a street sign (if there was one). Fortunately, we were smart enough not to even attempt parking this time.

Riding the "T" [subway] is the way to go. If it isn't within walking distance from the T, we just don't go there. That would make the visit to Boston soooo much better.

Great food, great arts, great history and for the most part, great people. It is a very interesting area to visit.

The original plan was to attend a family wedding in East Hampton, but the plan morphed into much more. We also lunched with cousins on my side of the family [in Harvard Square], visited JFK Library and the Commonwealth Archives [to see an original copy of the Declaration of Independence], visited the marathon bombsite, visited Concord [by canoeing to the North Bridge], 

then visiting Sleepy Hollow Cemetery [the graves of Henry Thoreau (1862), Nathaniel Hawthorne (1864), Ralph Waldo Emerson (1882) and Louisa May Alcott (1888)],  then on to Lexington, Walden Pond, and Kendall Square to stay with good friends.

The friends we stayed with lived on the sixteenth floor with fantastic views from each window:

 

  Mindful of recent events and where we were, the location of the marathon finish [and therefore, the unthinkable] was still clearly marked:

All in all, excepting the airplane flights [which is a whole 'nuther story], it was a very full, fruitful and enjoyable trip.  Even reading a good book ["Still Foolin' Em" by Billy Crystal] did not redeem the poor quality of the flights....

Anagrams

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

Change

He promised us change.  The change that POTUS gave us was that he would ask Congress to validate his cause and grant him permission to attack another country.  Bush wouldn't (and didn't) do that.  No matter what you say (or hear) about POTUS, one cannot doubt his good intentions and lofty ideals.  The unfortunately truth about the POTUS is that they always inherit the mistakes of their predecessors.  It is the strength that he exudes that makes him better than them, albeit forgiving him for being human and allowing him the luxury of making mistakes.

I used to keep my car spotless.  I used to keep my camera spotless.  I used to eat the hottest and spiciest foods that I could get. I used to have an occasional mixed drink.  I used to do the maintenance on my car and my yard.  I haven't figured out whether I no longer have interest in those things, or really just don't care anymore.  Perhaps this comes with age or realizing what one's limitations are, given the timetable and stress level.  What amazes me the most, though, is that I always seem to have more than enough time to enter another contest, knowing full well that I probably won't win and that even the infinitesimally small chance that I have at winning- is tainted for sure.

Tonight I leave on a red-eye flight to Boston.  We are attending a family wedding.  This is really an excuse for a reunion of sorts.  The family does not get together very often, weddings and funerals.  I like the weddings better...

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have their way with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.

If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

You're never too old to learn ...something stupid. 

To Be or Not To Be

Apparently the gubmint can't figure out what do do- bomb Syria or not.  With each news item that I read, they (POTUS and Congress), they have managed to flip-flop yet again.  I think it is a bad idea to be violent and kill to punish for killing.  There is always another way.  We have rattled sabres so long now that we have lost face.  Can we explain it away or has the rest of the world lost their fear of our words, which don't seem to hold up anymore?  It is a disgustingly complicated and distasteful situation that we have handled poorly.  The final outcome will further test our capabilities to put good results after bad planning and shooting off our mouths...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting _at_ you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice 

OMG

I never thought I would ever agree with Sarah Palin about anything, but recently she commented about the Syrian ordeal:  "Let Allah sort it out later..." is what she said.  I agree that someone crossed the infamous red line in Syria, but we really don't know absolutely for sure who that was.  What should be done ?  Probably the worst action that could be taken, is more violence.  There are way too many extenuating circumstances regarding which group would end up in power when the dust settled.  Perhaps an economic blockade would be more effective...

Italian secret to a long marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage Seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her a nice, a spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us, what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Einsteins theory of relativity: The more money you have the closer your relatives are.

Syrian Strife

It is really unfortunate that sometimes when you really want to do the right thing, obstacles are put in your way to dissuade you and try to convince you that the correct action should not be guided by what is right and just.  History will reflect on the Syrian crisis with Obama trying to do the right and just thing for the Syrian people, but the means to accomplish that action includes military actions which most people have had more than enough of.  He is obviously between a rock and a hard place, and there isn't an obvious solution to the problem, which is one reason that we have stayed out of their civil war for the last two and a half years. The whole region is rife with unrest and is ready to explode into one big war. IMHO we should not light that fuse at this time....

Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,

“We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Way too much driving for a vacation...

I'm not sure what it is, but on each and every one of our stops, whether for fuel or for the evening, the little town we stopped in between here and Weed, contained an old movie theater names State.  Even Santa Barbara had a State theater when I was a kid.  This night shot above was taken in Auburn.  It is so appropriate that a movie from 1951 was playing (my birth year).  The marquee on this one particularly caught my attention, with bright and fast moving neon lights.

Many of the other ones that I saw were in the daylight, and were painted in pretty boring color combinations, like they were trying to hide the gargantuan buildings.

Being that I saw so many with the same name, I wondered whether it was a coincidence or if they were part of a chain of theaters.

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Diary of a Sad Dog

Dear Diary – It has occurred to me today that my dearest human has never sniffed my backside. I must bond with him in different ways. Like my father always used to say, if you want someone to look you in the eye make sure that your mouth smells exactly like your butt. It’s difficult to argue with that logic and so I have eaten some rotting earthworms in preparation for my dear human’s return, as well as one of his socks.

Dear Diary – it’s not so much that I miss my testicles; I know it’s a rite of passage in our pack and I’m sure that my dearest human has had his removed as well but when that one bulldog comes to the dog park and parades his testicles around I can’t help but notice how Ginger looks at them. I love Ginger. To be fair I will admit he has a fine smelling butt.

Dear Diary– the cat is a curious magical creature. It’s as if a teddybear mated with a cactus and it’s much less fun to play with then it would appear and yet it poops delicious candy into a box of pee flavored sprinkles. Dearest human guards these treats jealously, often harvesting them into a barrel, but I will admit that I sneak one from time to time. They are delicious, forgive me.

Dear Diary– this is the 733rd day that I have tried to test what cat swore to me was true; namely, that if you hump anything long enough you will find a flower. So far the results have been mixed. My dearest human’s leg flower has not revealed itself. However I’m almost certain that I felt something on the brown teddy bear. More tests are needed.

Dear Diary – I have yet to see my dearest human poop anywhere, I suspect he may not know how. I have resolved to teach him when we patrol the neighborhood each day in search of man with hats and beards. It is embarrassing to do in public but he must learn somehow, I fear he will die of constipation If don’t succeed. Fortunately my dearest human seems to show some interest and is now collecting my feces in a small bag. Soon.

Dear Diary - I must be more careful when licking myself. My dearest human seems sensitive about it, most likely because he is incapable of licking his own. As always I am in awe of his ability to be so noble despite what I can imagine are filthy, filthy. He hides them everyday.

Dear Diary - Today I have added a fourth circle to my pre-pooping ritual. As before the first circle is to verify that I do in fact need to poop. The second is to check for gremlins and men with beards and hats. The third is to re-verify my need for pooping, and now the fourth is to honor my newly deceased toy stuffed llama. Rest in peace, I didn’t mean to shake your head off.

Dear Diary - I told the cat about how my dearest human has promoted me, teaching me to shake hands so I can participate in his business dealings. However, cat pointed out that I am often unaware of what I am shaking on. For example, when I shook the neighbor's hand this morning, I have no clue what I agreed to, none. Cat says this is how the devil buys souls. I will pee on the bed for comfort.

Dear Diary - My dearest human asked me where the ball was when it was clearly in plain sight. I brought it over and he threw it even farther away then asked me where it was and was very happy when I brought it again; perhaps a metaphor? Dearest human leaves each day and I am happy when he returns wait, maybe he is the ball and I am dearest human this is too much... I must pee on the bed. 

Tahoe Bound...

So believe it or not, we are "ready" for a vacation, but we are not really prepared at this time.  I have vacation time forwarded from last year and if I don't take it soon, I will lose it.  Consequently, we are taking a jaunt to assist Tori in picking up Aidan from the Headwaters Outdoor school on the outskirts of Mt. Shasta City and heading for South Lake Tahoe. 

It is really amazing how much we do every day without thinking about it.  When we go on a trip, we have do make preparations for those things to happen while we are gone.  It gets to be a long list.  On the top of the list, the dog has to go to doggy camp.  The bills need to be paid in advance.  The plants need a healthy drink.  The lawn needs to be cut. Clothes have to be packed.  The car needs servicing, and so on.

We are all embedded in an anxiety and stress producing position.  It is no wonder that we need a vacation. The original plan called for us flying away to some far off place, but this year, that didn't happen.  I'll save my hope for next year...

Dealing With Telemarketers

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

(This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOSH!” and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Three Women Spice Up Their Relationship

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 plus years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

THE “Y” CHROMOSOME
People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

Just thought you might want to know "Y"
 

Viva!

We are currently having a local heritage celebration called "La Fiesta".  The town goes all out to attract tourists and suck them dry.  There is a huge parade [largest equestrian parade west of the Mississippi], Spanish style Mercados, much drinking, much dancing, a rodeo and many celebrations for almost any reason.  I used to go to the nightly show at the Courthouse sunken garden, the parade, the bands playing on temporary stages on blocked off streets.  Now I am happy to avoid the drunks, extra cops imported from other cities and hoards of tourists, just to have a nice Mexican dinner at a restaurant (not downtown) and toast to "Viva la Fiesta"!

I firmly believe and repeatedly say that the city does not need to do anything special to attract tourists, just make it nice for residents and the tourists will come anyway.

They don't listen to me...

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Hebronics
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains,
'In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with 'sh' or 'shm' at the beginning: 'Mountains, shmountains. Stay away!! You want a nosebleed?'

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: 'It's beautiful, that dress.'

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: 'Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.'

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: 'What time is it?'
English answer: 'Sorry, I don't know.'
Hebronic response: 'What am I, a clock?'

Remark: 'I hope things turn out okay.'
English answer: 'Thanks.'
Hebronic response: 'I should be so lucky!'

Remark: 'Hurry up. Dinner's ready.'
English answer: 'Be right there.'
Hebronic response: 'Alright already, I'm coming.
What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?'

Remark: 'I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the t ime.'
English answer: 'Glad you like it.'
Hebronic response: 'So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?'

Remark: 'Sarah and I are engaged.'
English answer: 'Congratulations!'
Hebronic response: 'She could stand to lose a few pounds.'

Question: 'Would you like to go horseback riding with us?'
English answer: 'Just say when.'
Hebronic response: 'Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?'

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: 'Happy birthday'
Hebronic response: 'A year smarter you should become.'

Remark: 'It's a beau tiful day.'
English answer: 'Sure is.'
Hebronic response: 'So the sun is out; what else is new?'

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: 'It's been a while since you called.'
Hebronic response: 'You didn't wonder if already I'm dead?'

Custody Battle

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor, Child should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says: "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? The machine’s or mine?"

To Sir With Love

I have had a beard for most of my adult life.  It was dark brown.  As I got older it turned gray and then white.  The hair on my head turned white as well.

When I was young and bearded, retail workers and bartenders would call me sir.  Whenever I cut it off for a week or so, the moniker of respect would also disappear.

So recently, I started getting more "Yes Sirs" and "Thank you Sir".  I'm not sure how to take it.  I love the respect, but it definitely feels strange now to be called Sir.

This is a very laid back part of a very laid back state.  To be called Sir is definitely a rarity and is strange.

Now that I get a discount at the movies, it is though I crossed a threshold which now makes me old, very old, enough to be called "Sir".  I really don't believe that I like it.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip.

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put into a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could by now have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

It's the Weekend, Finally...

I've been feeling burned-out all week.  The news about the Zimmerman trial did not help matters.  It never ceases to amaze me as to how far we have come in such a short time AND yet how much more we really have left to go... I guess we DO live in interesting times..

Looking forward to a vacation [soon I hope] and poker tonight.  I need to blow off some stress.

Has anyone been paying attention to the recent articles about retail stores tracking their shoppers?  This is either happening by monitoring the WiFi signal from their smart phones or by some intelligent tracking software and some cameras mounted in the store.  I can certainly understand that they would want to stop shoplifters, but I believe taking statistics on how much time we spend in different places in the store is unfair, without posting it.  I, for one, would probably not shop somewhere where this was ongoing.  Other stores are sending directed ads and coupons to shoppers' smart phones.  I'm not sure whether I like my perusing interrupted, but perhaps the savings are worth it....

The Note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

How the Human Race Began

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?" The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Weakly...

An unusual week, or maybe "unusual" is now the norm. It has bee hard to focus lately.  I think I am beginning to experience burn-out- and need a vacation.  I'm afraid that it is still far-off.

Many bits of bad news this week such as Cory Monteith's untimely death.  It's definitely a shame.  George Zimmerman got off scot-free, which was a big surprise- even coming from Florida!  It is a strange case, with a strange six woman jury. I'm betting it is not over yet- and George better watch his back.

One good bit of news was that polls have shown that people REALLY don't want Sarah Palin to run for office again.  Of course, why would she listen to the people, anyway.

Fairytale Evidence
Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes really can change your life!

One Liners

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Independence

I find it interesting that the European countries are upset that we are spying on their communication.  Haven't we been tapping their phone lines for decades ?  Apparently, that was okay because I don't ever remember any complaints.  Now that we have automated it, they are upset.  I'm sure that we share our findings with the appropriate locations, and they are more than happy to get that information.

At any rate, we recently saw The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy.  These two have a magical chemistry that would only make the worst writing look bad.  Meanwhile, this was a very funny movie, but it was based on a previously successful formula that used male cops instead of female.  There is no doubt that a sequel will follow.

With all the bad press and poor performance at the box office, one would expect White House Down to be a bad movie.  I did not find it so.  The storyline is well performed by (never can do bad) James Wood and a very chemical partnership of Jamie Foxx and Channing Tatum.  The action was great and it was believable, although not probable.

We Are But Dust

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

Getting Dressed

Hospital regulations required a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Blog Fail

As you can see, the format of my blog (not to mention, the content) has [basically] returned back to normal (?).  Something, somewhere (in Google-land) changed last week and the template for my blog went to hell in a hand basket.  A few messages to the Google-god and most of it is back.

Wow, some really epic decisions coming out of SCOTUS all at once.  What have they been doing the rest of the time? 

I have had a lot of conversations regarding Edward Snowden and his information release.  Many of them are more concerned with the information he released, rather than the fact that he did.  Having had pretty high clearance previously, I realize that you have entered a contract with the gubmint that you get to see this information, but you don't own it.  It is the gubmint's property and you have to respect it for that.  The actual information he released (so far) is well suspected (or known) amongst people I have spoken to.  So, as far as harm that he has caused; I think most of it is to himself!

Ahh the wisdom of the ages.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of our kids and the planet ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f---ing wall."

Reputation

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Plano. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin in Longview who is a (political party affiliation which reader hates)?

Signed: Worried about my reputation. 

Dwarf Incident

I rear ended a car this morning...

I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

Diversity

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain...

Somebody just recently asked me about the NSA leak in the news.  I certainly don't condone what happened, but I find it very hard to believe that the "general" public didn't already know that all electronic interactions that are on the internet or cell phone carrier aren't already sold and also made available to the government agencies.  So the "leak" is certainly not a revelation, but more so, that a high-school dropout with one community college course in computer science can get a job as a contractor for those government agencies and gain access to that data.  That is a revelation- and a very scary one.

We scoff at the notion of registering guns because we will end up in a searchable database, yet we have registered ourselves already by acquiring a smart  phone.  They know who has one, where it is at, where it was used last, the number called and probably what was said.  All this information becomes fodder for linkage algorithms and establishing patterns.  No amount of features and niceties that a smart phone provides is worth the loss of privacy. 

I was wondering if anyone has given thought to the conundrum presented by the Boy Scouts relative to their recent position on gays, and how ridiculous it is.  Why has this not been a problem with the Girl Scouts or the YMCA youth groups? Who can really say what the BSOA stands for and force their members to learn and profess.  I certainly wouldn't blame any parents for not allowing participation in the Boy Scouts, given that they don't practice what they preach.  How very disappointing.  Many kids look forward to what good experiences they can have with the scouts and it appears as though that has been ruined by the "politics" that they currently exude.

I guess we live in interesting times....

Jokes vs. Law
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke! -- Will Rogers

Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Folks, we're screwed...

"Smart" Phones Revisited

So it has been a few months now since we were sucked into the fold and converted to Smart phones.  What is my reaction so far?  

1. I like carrying my phone in my pocket and this phone, while not the largest, just barely fits comfortably in my jeans.  Of course, because of the replacement cost, I had to get a protective cover built like a tank.  You could drop it or throw it against the wall and it would survive.
2. We got hooked on games- the free ones that are also free to play, like Words with Friends. This certainly has played havoc with battery life.
3. Battery life is a bit atrocious , since the temptations to run all kinds of apps is very high.
4. Signals are reliability using 4G Lte is pretty good, but there clearly are still holes where coverage is very bad.
5. Android is easy to use, but there are some things I'd like to see different, for example: There should be a nice way to say "I'm done with this app, give the memory back and don't run it in the background.
6.  So far, I haven't bought any apps and every need has pretty my been filled and much, much more.
7. We have been very careful about accessing important things like bank accounts while on the phone, and we will certainly eschew the automatic charge-card via phone, for as long as possible.
8. It actually costs us less now, on the sharing-data family plan than it did before paying for minutes AND paying for data AND paying for so many texts per month.

So now that I have accepted my fate, I think that there are less reasons to be unhappy with my carrier than I was before.  I don't like the phone stores, whether AT&T, Verizon or Sprint. I feel like I am being treated as though a second-class citizen that can't find his butt with both hands.  Their prices are high and they do all their manipulations in the back room while you are waiting for what seems forever in the display area.
Two better experiences, one at Best Buy and another at Costco, who are both dealers in phones from many carriers were much better experiences.  They worked in front of us and explained what they were doing during the whole process.  Neither of them treated us like the audience at a magic show.

Would I go back to a feature phone, probably.  There is really nothing so important that I couldn't live without it.  My wife, on the other hand, uses it as a business tool and is forever using the voice to text feature to communicate with clients and their agents.  She has Bluetooth in her car and loves the hands-free features including the reading her texts out loud.  She'll never go back, but maybe the need will wain eventually.

The Indian and the Hooker
A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'You do Indian style?' 'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 do it Indian style' 'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is. 'I pay you $300' 'No', she says.
'I pay you $400' 'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'

The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government.'

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Drinking last night
Last night I was out with a few friends and had a few too many beers.

Knowing full well I may have been over the legal limit, I did something I never had done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I got it from.

One Day Holiday

This holiday weekend was way too short.  We had lots to do around the house, but Monday was set aside to do as little as possible.  We did go to visit the I Modonnari celebration at the local Mission.  The highlights can be seen on Edhat.  Other than that, we watched movies.  Two of them we rented from Redbox and two we went to the theater to see.

"Parker" is a typical Jason Statham movie, with much fighting and killing.  It was an action packed thriller. 
"Seven Psychopaths" is one of those movies where the preview uses up all the good scenes of the movie.  There was nothing left to keep you awake, as the movie begins while a scriptwriter is having issues writing, and then the script unfolds into what we watch.  Pure garbage...

Having seen the first five "Fast and Furious" movies, we were attracted to see the latest installment.  It was excellent.  It is exactly what one needs to get a muscle car injection of action.  The fight scenes, especially between Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez are fantastic.  Never a dull moment in this one. Excellent special effects...

The crowning glory of the weekend's films was certainly "Star Trek Into Darkness" in 3D.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 95% and I concur.  Not only has J.J.Abrams put his mark on this episode, but also he has reached into the past to "update" one of the best foes ever in Star Trek history, Ricardo Montalban's portrayal of Khan.  The story was multi-plotted, as most of Abrams work is.  It was very difficult to find anything wrong with this movie- at all.  It went by so fast, that it gave you the feeling of being too short, even though is was more than two hours long.

What is Black?
Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn't find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. "Mark," she called to her co-worker, "what are we calling black this year?"

No Sound Support

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown