Mother's Day Woes

Soooooooo  tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Last year, we couldn't get my wife to commit to anything AND she decided she wanted to stay home alone and have us all leave!  We wouldn't hear any of that.  We, the kids and I, made plans for a picnic in wine country and some wine tasting. Apparently that sounded good to her and she was convinced to join us.  We all had a great time.

This year, she says that she wants to do the same thing except that this time she wants to pick the winery stops.  That sounds great.  It was my job to put together the picnic lunch- which in itself- sounds easy, right ?

I wanted this to be a bit special and decided to go to a special bakery downtown for rolls and bread for dagwood sandwiches.  I was kept so busy, that I got there five minutes after two today, and they closed at two.  Disappointment and anxiety is setting in, big time now.  I didn't want to get such a late start, but my wife kept me busy with the honey-do's....

I left D'Angelos bakery, and quickly thought where else I could get "special" bread, since I was downtown already.  I aimed for Lazy Acres Market.  There I found relatively good rolls, but no bread AND no acceptable desserts.  I proceeded to Gelson's, and likewise was disappointed.  Next was Whole Foods and I was disappointed there as well.  Finally, I decided to stop at Panera Bread and found something acceptable.

Here all I had attacked was bread and rolls, and I still had a long list.  I headed to Ralph's (because I could get my wife's favorite ice cream there).  Almost two hundred dollars later, I had still not completed the list.

On the way home I stopped at Albertson's and CVS looking for a plastic table cloth for the picnic table.  No such luck.

I stopped at Fresco to get some cupcakes for dessert and headed home to get the groceries (especially the ice cream) into the fridge.

Then I left again to go to another Albertson's for a table cloth, and hit the fruit stand down the street for some fresh cherries.

Finally I could come home and stay.

So you are probably saying to yourself, by now, why is he sharing this story?  Well, except for the bakery in the beginning, I had been stopping a supermarkets that try to do everything (do it all in one stop), but don't do anything particularly very well.

I would have gone to another bakery, if there was one around that made bread.  Instead, they specialize in fruit pies or cupcakes.  All of my efforts forced driving all over town, when if the ma and pa stores were still in business, I could have covered everything in only one or two blocks.  The big stores have ruined it for all of us.

Definitions

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Blonde Riding a Horse

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

The Oldie Isn't Moldy

It seems that our sabre rattler in North Korea has given up for the time being...

So I had a visit from someone interested in my Vette, this morning.  He thinks he wants a car from his birth year.  

It is really hard to know what you want in a classic car, something you will not drive everyday.  Do you want to preserve it or customize it.  Yo really can't tell until you own one and realize that perhaps you would have been happier with one that was different that you have.  I guess it is the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome.

Meanwhile, with many people retiring at my place of employment, someone brought up that we have become the "oldies".  I didn't want to accept that at first and then I realized that I couldn't come up with anyone that was older...  What a shock that was...

 


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having consensual intercourse.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Yet another snafu...

I was just disappointed because my order for a BrushyBowl was canceled.  This appeared to be a very simple but useful device for dogs that have tartar issues and need to get enzymes to break it down.  The owner would put flavored gel on a ribbed brush mounted in the base of a bowl.  As the dog licks it, enzymes are transferred to his teeth breaking down the tartar.  This doesn't really sound like a big deal, but small dogs get bad breath and they get rotten teeth.  Having a dog's teeth pulled is very expensive.  So my alternative is to put enzyme paste (chicken flavored) onto his teeth with my finger.  This gets old, but has to be done.  Apparently, the BrushyBowls are no longer available.  Too Bad.

It is really a shame that good ideas are not successfully transferred to marketable products.  I'm sure there are too many of these to mention.  I suppose I will find one of those "As Seen On TV" stores and check to see if they have any BrushyBowls.  How silly is that?

BTW, what happened to our saber-rattling North Korean?  Did he not have a missile to test, or was he afraid to shoot it off, or was it all for show??  Perhaps we'll never know.

This is the last week of classes for my daughter who will graduate on May 19th.  It is a great feeling that she has made it this far, but it is also a great feeling to be "done" with paying for the kids' education. It's like paying off a mortgage!

True or False

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.

Answers: All of the above are true. Don't you just love number sixteen?

Did They Mean to Say That

- On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."

- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."

- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.

- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

At the store...

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers-- What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

... and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."

Funny Signs

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Should've Thrown The Bums Out....

Not that this is any revelation, but the performance of the members of Congress sure leaves a lot to be desired. This last vote on the extended background checks is indicative as to whom has been bought out by the NRA, since there are no good reasons to not pass this legislation.  It would have made all gun purchases the same, whether from retail establishment or gun show.  Why would anybody care or think that would impinge on owning guns under the Constitution.  Even our forefathers were smart enough not to give a gun to a crazy man.  Apparently, Congress doesn't want to impinge on even his rights.  We should have thrown all the bums out at the last election....

I've had some time to think about the attack in Boston.  I can't come up with any reasons for the attack.  Even the Middle East foes would not (necessarily) have a reason for that one.  Perhaps when the perpetrators are brought to justice, that will be revealed.

An AMAZING amount of progress made in such a short time identifying the culprits and even eliminating one of them.  I hope they quickly catch the remaining suspect and find out what their motivation was before he is shot dead as well.  Kudos to the efforts of the multi-force police force that are performing at their best....

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE........

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MISERABLE, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED...


"WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FYI:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said, "We are all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

My Jobs
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

[sigh][moan]

Definition of TERROR

1

: a state of intense fear

2

a : one that inspires fear : scourge

b : a frightening aspect <the terrors of invasion>

c : a cause of anxiety : worry

d : an appalling person or thing; especially : brat

3

: reign of terror

4

: violent or destructive acts (as bombing) committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands <insurrection and revolutionary terror>

I am speechless.  I cannot fathom the reasons behind this kind of senseless attack.  God bless the victims....

Birthday Blues...

Yesterday was depressing.  It was my birthday.  I kinda wanted everybody to not recognize that it was, but also I think I would have been disappointed if they didn't remember.  Kind of a strange state my mind was (Gawsh, did I just write that?).  It was a pretty uneventful day, except for birthday cards, emails and Facebook posts.  I got presents (unexpectedly) and taken out to dinner at a favorite restaurant.  I have nothing to complain about... except getting older.  Th alternative is NOT good, though.

So after a week or so of sabre-rattling, and perhaps realizing that he was getting some attention (which is probably all he really wanted anyway), The North Korean lead has lowered his missiles.  I don't believe that he is actually don rattling his sabre, but perhaps he has realized that going a bit farther would be suicidal.  Technology has advanced such that another war with the South, with the U.S. supporting would not be the same.  I believe that it would be over rather quickly...

It's A Monk's Life

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called.

The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

Don’t mess with old people............

I am a sick old man.

I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
‘And how are we doing this morning’,

Or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. ‘

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’

The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome.

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." -Lily Tomlin

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.

A Special Week- NOT

Just another very special week when North Korea (are they suicidal?) declares that they are going to set off an atomic bomb in the U.S. and POTUS compliments an Attorney General and gets accused of not being Politically Correct...  Why is it that people can't give a break to anyone that just acts human.  The press scrutinizes every publicly said word....

Rather than spiral into melancholia, I just went ahead and paid my income taxes and property taxes and college tuition for my daughter and mortgage payments...jeez, just typing that is depressing.  To put the icing on the cake, my birthday is next week and I'm feeling OLD!!!  Then again, I am.

No UPC
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

Places I'd Rather Not Live

- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

 

Cow Childbirth
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Easter for the rest of us...

No longer being as religious as I once was, Easter became a holiday for the kids when they were young. Egg hunts and baskets full of goodies. Now it it is difficult to get them all together for an Easter dinner, so this year most of us has breakfast together at a famous local breakfast "diner". We all ate too much, but as predicted, the food was outrageously good. Unpredictably, it was raining this morning, so we had to wait to get our table outside. If the food wasn't so special, I wouldn't have. It was a relatively short visit, and then we all went our separate ways, to work, home, or back to school in Los Angeles...

There appears to be no end to the saber rattling coming from North Korea. I'm told that they couldn't even make it to Hawaii, never mind the mainland with a missile. I suppose that they just want some attention, but they appear to going at it in the wrong way. I wonder how long China will put up with its loud-mouthed neighbor before the Communist Party squashes them into oblivion.

 

 

Translations of Help Wanted Ads
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters. 

What it REALLY means

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 

What it REALLY REALLY Means

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." 

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Pythagoras Was A Native American
On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

From Here to There and Back Again

Used to be that a salesman would travel from street to street and city to city to sell his wares.  Whether it was vacuum cleaners, or pots and pans, knives, encyclopedias, brushes and cleaning supplies or insurance.  Those items moved into local family stores, and then to department stores, and then to discount big box stores.  That forced the little guys to close because of the lack of business and the high rents and usually little or no free parking.  Now the trend is returning to have those items that we cannot get any longer, locally, be trucked in.

I used to go with my wife to the fabric store for patterns, material and other sewing supplies.  One by one the stores closed.  We would have to go to a store in the next town (if they are still there) to buy the same stuff.  Recently, I read that knitting supplies and other sewing notions were traveling around selling their wares ala "food truck" style.  Auto parts are also on the move.  Won't be long before these mobile stores, which have little or no overhead, will be the norm to replace those little ma and pop stores that were forced out.  I'll even be able to buy onesie screws and washers rather than the plastic bubble packs at the local Big Box...What a strange place we live in...

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?'"

--Hal Linden

Wife/Husband Text Exchange...
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."

What is Kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Playing to Win

I find it very interesting that certain portions of my life appear to be in a repeating cycle.  For example: I get contest offers in email ALL OF THE TIME.  I find that I can't resist entering these contests, even though it is a thinly disguised way to get my name, address and phone number, kind of like responding to a QR tag.  I never win anything nor do I ever see an announcement of who did win, but that doesn't normally deter me.  If the entry is easy, I will probably enter every day.  If it is not, maybe once.

Frequently, I lose interest because I never win.  I ask myself why should I enter if I never win.  I really don't know what I would do if I won.  The shock would be overwhelming.

We still buy lottery tickets as well.  We don't go nuts, but maybe five dollars a month.  At least, in this case, the winner is announced.  The odds are REALLY bad though.  In fact, the odds of winning are barely better when you buy a ticket versus not!  It would probably give me a heart attack to win the lotto, but somebody always wins.  The almighty must think that they need it or deserve it more than I do...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
 

Political Correctness

I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Murphy's Law - The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

Another Conclave Has Come and Gone

The conclave has begun...  In case you missed "Conclave! The Musical", check it out.  It is HILARIOUS!  And in case you haven't seen, Tuesday's vote was inconclusive (i.e. black smoke).

So today (Wednesday) the white smoke flowed from the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope (Francis) was chosen, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina.  This is a bold move by the church to pick a non-European pope.  Perhaps his attitudes will transform the church into the twenty-first century....

In other news, Saudi Arabia is being forced to modernize.  Since there is a shortage of headsman (swordsman trained for beheading), the Saudis will have to resort to firing squads!  This may be too much for us to take, since we apparently are on the way to outlaw the whole execution thing....

Bank Robbery
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Made Anyplace But Here....

It must be a comfort to the Chinese: They can travel anywhere in the world and buy souvenirs the are "Made in China"!  I wish we could do that ....

I was speaking to someone today and they made the comment that people have lost their sense of humor and they are way too sensitive. I agreed. Remember from the 40s or 50s, "Oh your mother wears Army boots.."? This might get you a black eye. The equivalent now (and I'm not sure what that is) would surely get you shot or blown to smithereens or even sued.... It has been said many times that the best comedians are ones that could laugh about and make fun of themselves. Most people can't or won't do that anymore. Racial slurs are followed by violence. Sexual innuendos are taken as serious digs.

Employers are very conscious, as well. IMHO they are basically covering their respective butts to provide sensitivity training to prevent small issues from becoming big problems.  Unfortunately, most of the problems occur because "entitlement" attitudes that some people have acquired.  They feel as they are "entitled" to be treated a certain way and it is not (no longer) a gray area.  

Too bad we can't all live in harmony.  I wanna move to "Mayberry", where the people are nice, simple and goodhearted.  I wonder if a place like that still exists anymore...

Embarrassing Moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.
The Doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes.......Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair !"

Update to "Smart" Phones

It has been just over a month since we updated to smart phones. We have been very careful not to intentionally give out our phone number or any other information via our smart phones.  My wife tried a poker game app, but it requested a credit card to replenish her chips.   Otherwise, we have been hooked on Words With Friends. I have tried the camera on several occasions and decided that it takes pretty good pictures, although I can get close enough to objects like flowers, to do them justice.  It is cool that I can find myself on a map provided my GPS, although I'm not lost.  It is always handy to be able to identify a song or an actor in an old movie with just one button click.  I can check my email anytime I want now, or not at all.  The life of my desktop computer, at home, will be extended because I don't turn it on as often.  And, oh BTW, I've also used it as a phone.
All in all, it was a good purchase, a useful purchase- if I can keep the battery charged during the whole period that I'm awake...

Under the category of saber-rattling-idiots:  If North Korea gets barely any attention after setting off three underground nuclear tests and numerous missile launches, why do they think that vile threats of violating the 1953 armistice with South Korea and resuming the Korean War would get any attention?  What they have successfully accomplished is getting China's attention.  China is now officially siding with the rest of the world (except Iran, of course) in seeking a "nice and civilized" manner to squash the "bug".  If I were North Korea, losing China's favor is the worst that could happen, since China is feeding the people of North Korea, since barely nobody else will trade with them.  If they lose that, they might as well give up....

Jewish Modesty
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew are having a discussion after dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune. I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and I can afford to buy General Motors!”

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
Then they all waited for the Jew to speak..........

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I am not selling!”

March is upon us already...

It is amazing to me that the first day of March is here so soon.  Time is certainly marching on.  So much going on, and at the same time, so little.  I have to admit that I am getting a fever for Spring to begin. I have had enough of our just-barely-less-than-mild weather and I am ready for sunshine and long days.

Responsibility.  An employee must be responsible for his/her work.  If an employer feels that that is not the case, it is up to that employer to pull in the reigns and do the necessary tasks to protect and enrich the company.  Marissa Mayer is fully capable of running Yahoo.  She shouldn't have to do it alone, nor feel like she is. She should pull in the reigns, as she did and force people to work at their offices instead of at home.  Working at home is a privilege that should be earned.  It is is not a right or feature of employment.  Work is, ya know- work!  She needs to to what is necessary to save Yahoo or there won't be any jobs there at all- whether in office or in home. The wusses of the industry and the press need to get off her back.  She was hired to do what she needed to do.  Yahoo is where it is today because they have been sitting on their respective hands while the world passed them by....

People are finally waking up and quitting Facebook (Fleecebook). The very small amount of trust that people had of Facebook has now eroded even further.  Perhaps there is still hope for our culture and society....

Question for the day: If we are now seriously going though the sequestration process and everything is supposedly getting cut without rhyme or reason: why doesn't that effect Congressional salaries or benefits or even pork?  Someone once said that tyranny begins when laws are created that do not apply to all people at all levels....

Looks like my Oscar prediction were spot on (or at least four out of six were).  There are always surprises in the world of politics (yep, that's right)....
 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain

How should it feel for Chinese tourists bringing home MADE IN CHINA souvenirs -from any country they visit...