Easter for the rest of us...

No longer being as religious as I once was, Easter became a holiday for the kids when they were young. Egg hunts and baskets full of goodies. Now it it is difficult to get them all together for an Easter dinner, so this year most of us has breakfast together at a famous local breakfast "diner". We all ate too much, but as predicted, the food was outrageously good. Unpredictably, it was raining this morning, so we had to wait to get our table outside. If the food wasn't so special, I wouldn't have. It was a relatively short visit, and then we all went our separate ways, to work, home, or back to school in Los Angeles...

There appears to be no end to the saber rattling coming from North Korea. I'm told that they couldn't even make it to Hawaii, never mind the mainland with a missile. I suppose that they just want some attention, but they appear to going at it in the wrong way. I wonder how long China will put up with its loud-mouthed neighbor before the Communist Party squashes them into oblivion.

 

 

Translations of Help Wanted Ads
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters. 

What it REALLY means

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 

What it REALLY REALLY Means

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." 

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Pythagoras Was A Native American
On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

From Here to There and Back Again

Used to be that a salesman would travel from street to street and city to city to sell his wares.  Whether it was vacuum cleaners, or pots and pans, knives, encyclopedias, brushes and cleaning supplies or insurance.  Those items moved into local family stores, and then to department stores, and then to discount big box stores.  That forced the little guys to close because of the lack of business and the high rents and usually little or no free parking.  Now the trend is returning to have those items that we cannot get any longer, locally, be trucked in.

I used to go with my wife to the fabric store for patterns, material and other sewing supplies.  One by one the stores closed.  We would have to go to a store in the next town (if they are still there) to buy the same stuff.  Recently, I read that knitting supplies and other sewing notions were traveling around selling their wares ala "food truck" style.  Auto parts are also on the move.  Won't be long before these mobile stores, which have little or no overhead, will be the norm to replace those little ma and pop stores that were forced out.  I'll even be able to buy onesie screws and washers rather than the plastic bubble packs at the local Big Box...What a strange place we live in...

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?'"

--Hal Linden

Wife/Husband Text Exchange...
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."

What is Kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Playing to Win

I find it very interesting that certain portions of my life appear to be in a repeating cycle.  For example: I get contest offers in email ALL OF THE TIME.  I find that I can't resist entering these contests, even though it is a thinly disguised way to get my name, address and phone number, kind of like responding to a QR tag.  I never win anything nor do I ever see an announcement of who did win, but that doesn't normally deter me.  If the entry is easy, I will probably enter every day.  If it is not, maybe once.

Frequently, I lose interest because I never win.  I ask myself why should I enter if I never win.  I really don't know what I would do if I won.  The shock would be overwhelming.

We still buy lottery tickets as well.  We don't go nuts, but maybe five dollars a month.  At least, in this case, the winner is announced.  The odds are REALLY bad though.  In fact, the odds of winning are barely better when you buy a ticket versus not!  It would probably give me a heart attack to win the lotto, but somebody always wins.  The almighty must think that they need it or deserve it more than I do...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
 

Political Correctness

I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Murphy's Law - The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

Another Conclave Has Come and Gone

The conclave has begun...  In case you missed "Conclave! The Musical", check it out.  It is HILARIOUS!  And in case you haven't seen, Tuesday's vote was inconclusive (i.e. black smoke).

So today (Wednesday) the white smoke flowed from the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope (Francis) was chosen, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina.  This is a bold move by the church to pick a non-European pope.  Perhaps his attitudes will transform the church into the twenty-first century....

In other news, Saudi Arabia is being forced to modernize.  Since there is a shortage of headsman (swordsman trained for beheading), the Saudis will have to resort to firing squads!  This may be too much for us to take, since we apparently are on the way to outlaw the whole execution thing....

Bank Robbery
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

It Doesn't Surprise Me That There is a...

- Rudeville, New Jersey
- Boring, Oregon
- Hell, Michigan
- Hooker, California
- Virgin, Utah
- Dulls Corner, Maryland
- Bowlegs, Oklahoma
- Volcano, Hawaii
- Beersville, Pennsylvania
- Fleatown, Ohio
- Burnt Corn, Alabama
- Two Guns, Arizona
- Toad Suck, Arkansas

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Made Anyplace But Here....

It must be a comfort to the Chinese: They can travel anywhere in the world and buy souvenirs the are "Made in China"!  I wish we could do that ....

I was speaking to someone today and they made the comment that people have lost their sense of humor and they are way too sensitive. I agreed. Remember from the 40s or 50s, "Oh your mother wears Army boots.."? This might get you a black eye. The equivalent now (and I'm not sure what that is) would surely get you shot or blown to smithereens or even sued.... It has been said many times that the best comedians are ones that could laugh about and make fun of themselves. Most people can't or won't do that anymore. Racial slurs are followed by violence. Sexual innuendos are taken as serious digs.

Employers are very conscious, as well. IMHO they are basically covering their respective butts to provide sensitivity training to prevent small issues from becoming big problems.  Unfortunately, most of the problems occur because "entitlement" attitudes that some people have acquired.  They feel as they are "entitled" to be treated a certain way and it is not (no longer) a gray area.  

Too bad we can't all live in harmony.  I wanna move to "Mayberry", where the people are nice, simple and goodhearted.  I wonder if a place like that still exists anymore...

Embarrassing Moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.
The Doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes.......Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair !"

Update to "Smart" Phones

It has been just over a month since we updated to smart phones. We have been very careful not to intentionally give out our phone number or any other information via our smart phones.  My wife tried a poker game app, but it requested a credit card to replenish her chips.   Otherwise, we have been hooked on Words With Friends. I have tried the camera on several occasions and decided that it takes pretty good pictures, although I can get close enough to objects like flowers, to do them justice.  It is cool that I can find myself on a map provided my GPS, although I'm not lost.  It is always handy to be able to identify a song or an actor in an old movie with just one button click.  I can check my email anytime I want now, or not at all.  The life of my desktop computer, at home, will be extended because I don't turn it on as often.  And, oh BTW, I've also used it as a phone.
All in all, it was a good purchase, a useful purchase- if I can keep the battery charged during the whole period that I'm awake...

Under the category of saber-rattling-idiots:  If North Korea gets barely any attention after setting off three underground nuclear tests and numerous missile launches, why do they think that vile threats of violating the 1953 armistice with South Korea and resuming the Korean War would get any attention?  What they have successfully accomplished is getting China's attention.  China is now officially siding with the rest of the world (except Iran, of course) in seeking a "nice and civilized" manner to squash the "bug".  If I were North Korea, losing China's favor is the worst that could happen, since China is feeding the people of North Korea, since barely nobody else will trade with them.  If they lose that, they might as well give up....

Jewish Modesty
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew are having a discussion after dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune. I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and I can afford to buy General Motors!”

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
Then they all waited for the Jew to speak..........

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I am not selling!”

March is upon us already...

It is amazing to me that the first day of March is here so soon.  Time is certainly marching on.  So much going on, and at the same time, so little.  I have to admit that I am getting a fever for Spring to begin. I have had enough of our just-barely-less-than-mild weather and I am ready for sunshine and long days.

Responsibility.  An employee must be responsible for his/her work.  If an employer feels that that is not the case, it is up to that employer to pull in the reigns and do the necessary tasks to protect and enrich the company.  Marissa Mayer is fully capable of running Yahoo.  She shouldn't have to do it alone, nor feel like she is. She should pull in the reigns, as she did and force people to work at their offices instead of at home.  Working at home is a privilege that should be earned.  It is is not a right or feature of employment.  Work is, ya know- work!  She needs to to what is necessary to save Yahoo or there won't be any jobs there at all- whether in office or in home. The wusses of the industry and the press need to get off her back.  She was hired to do what she needed to do.  Yahoo is where it is today because they have been sitting on their respective hands while the world passed them by....

People are finally waking up and quitting Facebook (Fleecebook). The very small amount of trust that people had of Facebook has now eroded even further.  Perhaps there is still hope for our culture and society....

Question for the day: If we are now seriously going though the sequestration process and everything is supposedly getting cut without rhyme or reason: why doesn't that effect Congressional salaries or benefits or even pork?  Someone once said that tyranny begins when laws are created that do not apply to all people at all levels....

Looks like my Oscar prediction were spot on (or at least four out of six were).  There are always surprises in the world of politics (yep, that's right)....
 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain

How should it feel for Chinese tourists bringing home MADE IN CHINA souvenirs -from any country they visit...

Oscar

The Oscars are this weekend.  There is no doubt that we will watch them.  Having seen most of the movies that have nominations, I can safely predict which will win.  I will probably be proven wrong, but I think I can choose with a pretty high level of confidence.  Here are my pics: 

Best Movie: Argo. 

Best Director: Steven Spielberg. 

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis.  

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence.  

Best Supporting Actor:  Tommy Lee Jones. 

Best Supporting Actress:  Anne Hathaway.

So come Sunday, we will all know whether my guesses are correct or not.  IMHO the Oscars are very political and appear to have little bearing on the performances that win, which mean that I will probably be wrong with my guesses.  Luckily, the nominations are not based on how well a movie does at the box office.  It still amounts to magic to picking a time for release that doesn't coincide with another movie that can't reasonably be competed against.  
In past years, there have been good and bad Oscar shows- and a few great ones.  There is no formula that I know of to predict the show's outcome.  I have to admit, that I do enjoy all of the hype- which (of course) is worthless given that the winner choices are political rather than fairly chosen....

Interesting that Oscar Pistorius would (unfortunately) keep "Oscar" in the news, even when it is a different Oscar that we would rather hear about...

The Bagpiper
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Gualala back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing.

Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

Young and Foolish
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

How it all began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Fried Chicken
A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry."

Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Blurred Luck

The week escaped through my mind like melted snow through my fingers.  In other words, the end of the week was there after a short (very short) blur.  During that time, while we were glued to the news of Dorner's follies, and the haphazard approach to his capture, the feces covered Carnival cruise ship, and the exploding meteorite over Russia, time in my microcosm marched on at a feverish pace.  Income taxes loom, as well as storm damages and more storms coming. I'm trying desperately to figure out how I can invest in several assault rifles (for investment purposes only) while being cash strapped by $4.00 plus gasoline prices, paying for college tuition and just my ever-growing living expenses.  Gold is going down in value while ammunition rises.  What a world we have created. Soon I will be caught up in the Oscar craze, until that is over with.  
I should be (and really I am) thankful for my own health and my family's continued good health.  So far, without the aid(?) of a flu-shot, we have managed to dodge the bullet.  I am probably driving my family nuts as I become germophobic.  At least I can revel in the success of one of my fanaticisms paying off.  I hope the rest of you have been that lucky.  Speaking of which; apparently I have used up all the luck I'm going to get without winning the Publisher's Clearing House prize, the HGTV House Giveaway or the lottery.  Clearly my priorities are swayed...

Remote Control
The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

Road Crew
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Family Business
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Rainbows Enough For Everyone...

The week began with the "doom and gloom" hanging over my head since my team at work was cut by a third.  As good as retirement is for the retiree, it is not so good for those that are left.  We struggle most of the week, but today had several breakthroughs which gave me new hope for ever being successful on this project.

The day started out with several rainbows and progressed until many small successes made a great day...

While the weekend is supposed to be rainy and cold, I'm going to try my best to keep- my attitude light and my mood high (and be glad I'm not in that storm on the east coast)...

BTW, can you really believe that we still don't have any legislating going on on gun control ?  I guess it is par for the course and nobody should be surprised when Obama reaches his limit and enacts something via Executive Order.  [We should have thrown all the bums out of Congress.  They are only interested in how much pork they can get and paying back whomever paid for their reelection.]

Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Woops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."

Inheritance
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A Gun is a Gun

So much going on in the national arena.  Let me just comment on the gun control issue: Why is it that we feel that restricting gun ownership to exclude assault rifles is unconstitutional, buy grenade launchers, tanks, missiles, etc. are okay to remain illegal?  We feel that the Constitution provides us the right to bear arms, but doesn't delineate which ones are acceptable.  Who are we to decide what should be acceptable or not.  If there is only one type of gun that is not illegal to own, doesn't that suffice to fulfill our right?

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" - Steven Wright

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." -Will Rogers

Dress Code
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Doubling Up

We've all had the experience of our responsibilities at work expanding many-fold due to people leaving for other jobs or retirement.  This week, I have "that" realization becoming speedily a reality.  Retiring is a great experience for the retiree- for a short euphoric period of time- until that person finds the "new reality" of responsibilities.  It appears, from others' experiences, that on must hit retirement with feet on the ground and running.  Not having a reason to get up in the morning is a bad thing.  We are so used to being busy and having tasks that we cannot cope with "cold turkey".  On the other hand, those that are so called, "left behind" at the workplace, soon get used to the big hole that that retiree has left. 
After many years of working on many projects with the same individual, it is a difficult adjustment- like the family being split up.
I am going through that adjustment now, as a colleague and friend of twelve years is about to pull the plug...

Life's Observations
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Bringing It Back...

Well it has been a few weeks, so far, with my new "smart" phone.  I'm having fun checking out many new apps.  The technology is great.  SO far there have not been any security lapses, but when I begin getting SPAM, directed ads and junk mail, I will know that my contact information has been sold.

I recently saw a story on TV about manufacturing robots.  This company makes one that is trainable, for only twenty-two thousand dollars! We can definitely bring manufacturing back to the US using technology like robots.  Unfortunately, the workers here that might have done that job will have to be retrained.  This should make manufacturing in the US competitive with Asia.


“I fear the day when technology will surpass our humanity. The world will then be populated by a generation of idiots.” — Albert Einstein

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.” … Henry Ford

Dumbest People Ever?
- A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

- Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "

I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Printing Yellow

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"