Made Anyplace But Here....

It must be a comfort to the Chinese: They can travel anywhere in the world and buy souvenirs the are "Made in China"!  I wish we could do that ....

I was speaking to someone today and they made the comment that people have lost their sense of humor and they are way too sensitive. I agreed. Remember from the 40s or 50s, "Oh your mother wears Army boots.."? This might get you a black eye. The equivalent now (and I'm not sure what that is) would surely get you shot or blown to smithereens or even sued.... It has been said many times that the best comedians are ones that could laugh about and make fun of themselves. Most people can't or won't do that anymore. Racial slurs are followed by violence. Sexual innuendos are taken as serious digs.

Employers are very conscious, as well. IMHO they are basically covering their respective butts to provide sensitivity training to prevent small issues from becoming big problems.  Unfortunately, most of the problems occur because "entitlement" attitudes that some people have acquired.  They feel as they are "entitled" to be treated a certain way and it is not (no longer) a gray area.  

Too bad we can't all live in harmony.  I wanna move to "Mayberry", where the people are nice, simple and goodhearted.  I wonder if a place like that still exists anymore...

Embarrassing Moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems.
The Doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me."

"Yes.......Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair !"

Update to "Smart" Phones

It has been just over a month since we updated to smart phones. We have been very careful not to intentionally give out our phone number or any other information via our smart phones.  My wife tried a poker game app, but it requested a credit card to replenish her chips.   Otherwise, we have been hooked on Words With Friends. I have tried the camera on several occasions and decided that it takes pretty good pictures, although I can get close enough to objects like flowers, to do them justice.  It is cool that I can find myself on a map provided my GPS, although I'm not lost.  It is always handy to be able to identify a song or an actor in an old movie with just one button click.  I can check my email anytime I want now, or not at all.  The life of my desktop computer, at home, will be extended because I don't turn it on as often.  And, oh BTW, I've also used it as a phone.
All in all, it was a good purchase, a useful purchase- if I can keep the battery charged during the whole period that I'm awake...

Under the category of saber-rattling-idiots:  If North Korea gets barely any attention after setting off three underground nuclear tests and numerous missile launches, why do they think that vile threats of violating the 1953 armistice with South Korea and resuming the Korean War would get any attention?  What they have successfully accomplished is getting China's attention.  China is now officially siding with the rest of the world (except Iran, of course) in seeking a "nice and civilized" manner to squash the "bug".  If I were North Korea, losing China's favor is the worst that could happen, since China is feeding the people of North Korea, since barely nobody else will trade with them.  If they lose that, they might as well give up....

Jewish Modesty
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew are having a discussion after dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune. I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and I can afford to buy General Motors!”

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
Then they all waited for the Jew to speak..........

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I am not selling!”

March is upon us already...

It is amazing to me that the first day of March is here so soon.  Time is certainly marching on.  So much going on, and at the same time, so little.  I have to admit that I am getting a fever for Spring to begin. I have had enough of our just-barely-less-than-mild weather and I am ready for sunshine and long days.

Responsibility.  An employee must be responsible for his/her work.  If an employer feels that that is not the case, it is up to that employer to pull in the reigns and do the necessary tasks to protect and enrich the company.  Marissa Mayer is fully capable of running Yahoo.  She shouldn't have to do it alone, nor feel like she is. She should pull in the reigns, as she did and force people to work at their offices instead of at home.  Working at home is a privilege that should be earned.  It is is not a right or feature of employment.  Work is, ya know- work!  She needs to to what is necessary to save Yahoo or there won't be any jobs there at all- whether in office or in home. The wusses of the industry and the press need to get off her back.  She was hired to do what she needed to do.  Yahoo is where it is today because they have been sitting on their respective hands while the world passed them by....

People are finally waking up and quitting Facebook (Fleecebook). The very small amount of trust that people had of Facebook has now eroded even further.  Perhaps there is still hope for our culture and society....

Question for the day: If we are now seriously going though the sequestration process and everything is supposedly getting cut without rhyme or reason: why doesn't that effect Congressional salaries or benefits or even pork?  Someone once said that tyranny begins when laws are created that do not apply to all people at all levels....

Looks like my Oscar prediction were spot on (or at least four out of six were).  There are always surprises in the world of politics (yep, that's right)....
 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain

How should it feel for Chinese tourists bringing home MADE IN CHINA souvenirs -from any country they visit...

Oscar

The Oscars are this weekend.  There is no doubt that we will watch them.  Having seen most of the movies that have nominations, I can safely predict which will win.  I will probably be proven wrong, but I think I can choose with a pretty high level of confidence.  Here are my pics: 

Best Movie: Argo. 

Best Director: Steven Spielberg. 

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis.  

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence.  

Best Supporting Actor:  Tommy Lee Jones. 

Best Supporting Actress:  Anne Hathaway.

So come Sunday, we will all know whether my guesses are correct or not.  IMHO the Oscars are very political and appear to have little bearing on the performances that win, which mean that I will probably be wrong with my guesses.  Luckily, the nominations are not based on how well a movie does at the box office.  It still amounts to magic to picking a time for release that doesn't coincide with another movie that can't reasonably be competed against.  
In past years, there have been good and bad Oscar shows- and a few great ones.  There is no formula that I know of to predict the show's outcome.  I have to admit, that I do enjoy all of the hype- which (of course) is worthless given that the winner choices are political rather than fairly chosen....

Interesting that Oscar Pistorius would (unfortunately) keep "Oscar" in the news, even when it is a different Oscar that we would rather hear about...

The Bagpiper
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Gualala back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing.

Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

Young and Foolish
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

How it all began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Fried Chicken
A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry."

Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

Blurred Luck

The week escaped through my mind like melted snow through my fingers.  In other words, the end of the week was there after a short (very short) blur.  During that time, while we were glued to the news of Dorner's follies, and the haphazard approach to his capture, the feces covered Carnival cruise ship, and the exploding meteorite over Russia, time in my microcosm marched on at a feverish pace.  Income taxes loom, as well as storm damages and more storms coming. I'm trying desperately to figure out how I can invest in several assault rifles (for investment purposes only) while being cash strapped by $4.00 plus gasoline prices, paying for college tuition and just my ever-growing living expenses.  Gold is going down in value while ammunition rises.  What a world we have created. Soon I will be caught up in the Oscar craze, until that is over with.  
I should be (and really I am) thankful for my own health and my family's continued good health.  So far, without the aid(?) of a flu-shot, we have managed to dodge the bullet.  I am probably driving my family nuts as I become germophobic.  At least I can revel in the success of one of my fanaticisms paying off.  I hope the rest of you have been that lucky.  Speaking of which; apparently I have used up all the luck I'm going to get without winning the Publisher's Clearing House prize, the HGTV House Giveaway or the lottery.  Clearly my priorities are swayed...

Remote Control
The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

Road Crew
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Family Business
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Rainbows Enough For Everyone...

The week began with the "doom and gloom" hanging over my head since my team at work was cut by a third.  As good as retirement is for the retiree, it is not so good for those that are left.  We struggle most of the week, but today had several breakthroughs which gave me new hope for ever being successful on this project.

The day started out with several rainbows and progressed until many small successes made a great day...

While the weekend is supposed to be rainy and cold, I'm going to try my best to keep- my attitude light and my mood high (and be glad I'm not in that storm on the east coast)...

BTW, can you really believe that we still don't have any legislating going on on gun control ?  I guess it is par for the course and nobody should be surprised when Obama reaches his limit and enacts something via Executive Order.  [We should have thrown all the bums out of Congress.  They are only interested in how much pork they can get and paying back whomever paid for their reelection.]

Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Woops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."

Inheritance
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"

Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A Gun is a Gun

So much going on in the national arena.  Let me just comment on the gun control issue: Why is it that we feel that restricting gun ownership to exclude assault rifles is unconstitutional, buy grenade launchers, tanks, missiles, etc. are okay to remain illegal?  We feel that the Constitution provides us the right to bear arms, but doesn't delineate which ones are acceptable.  Who are we to decide what should be acceptable or not.  If there is only one type of gun that is not illegal to own, doesn't that suffice to fulfill our right?

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" - Steven Wright

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." -Will Rogers

Dress Code
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Doubling Up

We've all had the experience of our responsibilities at work expanding many-fold due to people leaving for other jobs or retirement.  This week, I have "that" realization becoming speedily a reality.  Retiring is a great experience for the retiree- for a short euphoric period of time- until that person finds the "new reality" of responsibilities.  It appears, from others' experiences, that on must hit retirement with feet on the ground and running.  Not having a reason to get up in the morning is a bad thing.  We are so used to being busy and having tasks that we cannot cope with "cold turkey".  On the other hand, those that are so called, "left behind" at the workplace, soon get used to the big hole that that retiree has left. 
After many years of working on many projects with the same individual, it is a difficult adjustment- like the family being split up.
I am going through that adjustment now, as a colleague and friend of twelve years is about to pull the plug...

Life's Observations
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Bringing It Back...

Well it has been a few weeks, so far, with my new "smart" phone.  I'm having fun checking out many new apps.  The technology is great.  SO far there have not been any security lapses, but when I begin getting SPAM, directed ads and junk mail, I will know that my contact information has been sold.

I recently saw a story on TV about manufacturing robots.  This company makes one that is trainable, for only twenty-two thousand dollars! We can definitely bring manufacturing back to the US using technology like robots.  Unfortunately, the workers here that might have done that job will have to be retrained.  This should make manufacturing in the US competitive with Asia.


“I fear the day when technology will surpass our humanity. The world will then be populated by a generation of idiots.” — Albert Einstein

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.” … Henry Ford

Dumbest People Ever?
- A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

- Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "

I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Printing Yellow

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

Emotional Experience

Saturday night we attended a showing of Les Miserables. The movie is billed as a musical, but IMHO it was more of an opera.  There were no spoken words during the two and a half hours.  There were also no slow periods, but an action filled, period correct piece with fantastic make-up, sets, costumes, music, singing, and most importantly, acting.  I haven't seen Daniel Day-Lewis' performance in Lincoln yet, but it will have to be absolutely fantastic to be better than Hugh Jackman's all-out performance.
Surprisingly, I had no idea that Anne Hathaway or Russell Crow could sing, but they each held their own admiringly, and played their respective parts very well.  I REALLY enjoyed the show.  I thought it was going to be a "snorer", but was pleasantly surprised at the strong tugs to my emotions and keen portrayal of the storyline.
Helena Bonham Carter and Sasha Baron Cohen provided the comic relief, and probably presented the sole portion of the movie that was light hearted enough to be considered (IMHO) a musical.
Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne were also way good.  I knew I had seen him somewhere before, and it was as the young assistant producer in My Week with Marilyn.  I thought he was great then and in this movie as well.  I expect to see much more of this guy.
Bottom line: don't miss this movie while it is still showing.  It will change your opinions about musicals and operas.  It is not like any other one I've seen.  The director also should be applauded for his extreme close-ups of the singers, and the fact that they actually sang in-place, no voice-overs.  The cast was well-chosen and they all performed beyond my expectations...

"I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious." --Thomas Jefferson, ltr to William Ludlow, 
 
"The bird hunting a locust is unaware of the hawk hunting him." ~Portuguese proverb


"If you're ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you'll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different  directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives" - Dobie Maxwell

· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

A new year, but SOSDD

Well, I have been back to work for a week now and as tough as it was to go back after three weeks, it appears as though there are parts of it that I DO enjoy.  I DO work with a great bunch of people, some of which I consider an extended family.
One asked me recently about the POTUS exercising his powers to pay the debt off with a trillion dollar coin, and also about an executive ordered gun law.  As for the former, I'm not sure what the repercussions would be on the world market, but I believe it would be akin to the Chinese controlling their currency to remain viable as a manufacturing nation.  This could be bad for our credit rating.  On the other hand, Congress has had their chance to do the right thing.  Since the formerly (G)OP controls the Congress, I would blame whatever measures POTUS feels that he has to take on the non-working members of Congress.
As for the gun law: because of the gun lobbies (particularly the NRA), nothing would ever pass Congress.  If POTUS has to make an executive order to get SOMETHING done to at least attempt to quell the frequent slaughters, so be it.  Lighting a fire under Congress to act may be the first attempt to restrict the lobby influences.  After all, did we ever thing that the unions would lose their business strangling holds?

"If the Mayans have taught us anything, it's that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world."

College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."

21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Dodging Rugrats and Ankle-Biters...

Having to tend to some furniture moving in Eagle Rock, where my daughter is renting a house with two other girls while she attend Oxy, my wife wanted to see the Cleopatra exhibit at the California Science Center before it closes today.  So, last Friday we went...
I investigated and bought tickets online, since they charge for this exhibit.  My main attraction here was going to see Shuttle Endeavour, though.  It is there permanently (although housed currently in a temporary building), so I wasn't in much of a hurry.
To make a long sad story shorter(see TripAdvisor Reviews: "Crowd Control Failure"), I won't go into much detail here.  You can read my review if you want to know the details.  Endeavour was AWESOME to be adjacent to.  I had seen it on TV and flying atop the 747 recently over California, but up close AND personal- IT IS HUGE!  I am utterly amazed that it can be landed, never mind while UNPOWERED!  I am anxious to visit again when the permanent display is in place and there will be catwalks around it at many levels, so that we can see inside.
The Cleopatra exhibit was (apparently) fantastic, but the whole Center suffered from negligent crowd control and obvious poor planning. The experience would be so much better had someone given thought to the process, or even asked for help from someone like Disney.  Otherwise, impressive is the operable term for the CONTENT of the the displays, rather than the means for viewing them.

Unfortunately, I am finally starting to get used to being home- AND I have to return to work tomorrow...

"Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you."

Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Philosophy and Mathematics

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

Job Search Woes

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Putting Up With Jocks
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Holiday Interstitial Ramblings

Recently we watched Argo in a last-chance (before it leaves town) theater. Was it authentic? Pretty much. Was the direction good? Pretty much.  Was the acting good? Pretty much.  Is is a contender for best picture, IMHO? Not really.  Is Affleck a contender for Best Actor? Not really.  Is he a contender for Best Director? Pretty much.  Did I enjoy the movie? Yes.  I can say, having lived through the crisis and the eighties (of course), it was nostalgic.  Would I recommend the movie? Yes I would, but only because there is a dearth of well made movies available for us to watch.

It seems, I am easily annoyed.  When I go to a news site, sometime- most of the time- I want to READ the news.  Almost all of the links for a story are to video. That, in it's self, is not necessarily bad, but every video has a commercial lead-in! How annoying!  I will not watch those stupid two minute commercials in order to watch my 30 second news bit!  When I click them to close, they are reluctant for a few clicks and then they finally close.  By then, I don't care or remember what the news-bit was about, and I return to the main page.

Another thing (that immediately comes to mind) is this direct marketing crap.  If I do a search on Google, or look at a product on Amazon, then all of the advertising for the next (at least) twelve hours has to do with that item or subject.  Do I REALLY need to be constantly reminded what I searched for or what product I was reading about.  What if I just bought one?  Do I want to be reminded that I got a bad deal or bought the wrong model?  I wish there was an option to turn that nonsense off.

Why (can anyone answer this) would I need more than a three shot clip on a hunting rifle? Or a target rifle?  When I was into target shooting, we used single shot rifles and pistols, because they are the most accurate.  When you are hunting, if you cannot hit the target in three shots, you should give up- AND give your gun away!  I don't understand why the reluctance to this restriction.  Or is it ANY restriction that is the REAL problem?  Am I so lazy that I need a rifle that I can just keep pulling the trigger until I hit the target?  Or is a bolt-action the way to go, where I have to hit my target with the first shot, and then MANUALLY remove the empty shell and load the next one.  Do we do ANYTHING MANUALLY anymore ?? 

Last night we went to see The Hobbit.  Wow!  This production may be better than the Lord of the Rings, previously.  The photography, special effects, set, makeup- all of the above, were fantastic.  While the storyline moves a bit slow, it is a fantastic experience to be "part" of this world for three hours (and two more movies yet to come in the trilogy).  We chose the 2D version, without the 48FPS effects and I can tell you that there were scenes that had a dizzying effect ANYWAY.  I can hardly imagine what the 3D version would be like.  Highly recommended for all except weak of bladder.

Also, previous to the movie, with portions of my wife's cell phone not working, and my daughter's having problems holding a charge, we bit the bullet for new phones.  We called Verizon to check prices to compare to the AT&T offering, where we are now. We were surprised that the cost would be higher for similar services.  They may be better, but were they worth the difference in prices?  We compared Best Buy, the AT&T store and Costco for phones and decided on three Motorola Atrix HD phones from Costco.  It not only was a comparison of capabilities, but also of sizes.  The larger phones won't fit into your pockets or purses.  Both girls had the choice to get iPhones if they wanted, the 4 for free and the 4s for $49, or the 5 for $149.  While my daughter is an Apple enthusiast, neither of them picked the Apple phones.  I had already decided that I didn't like the Lemmings-treatment of Apple aficionados, so I was nay on the iPhone as well.  

So far, the phones work well, but the plethora of options and their use and what the apps will provide is taxing.  Certainly, there will be more on this experience later- particularly the security aspect.  It is disheartening to look at the very poor offerings of non-smart phones, should you want to remain "personal"- pretty much junky junk and junkier junk...  Our choices have been made for us to assimilate.

Cat and Comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.