Post Holiday Blues

The media is rife with great reviews of the Silver Linings Playbook, but I have been disappointed before.  My wife wanted to see it after our Thanksgiving dinner.  Bradley Cooper was unexpectedly good at a serious role.  The real standout, though, was Jennifer Lawrence.  Having seen her in Winter's Bone, her performance in that movie stood out in spite of the fact that I did not like it.  I suspected at that point that she would go far.  In hunger Games, which I also didn't like, her performance was outstanding.  She can say more with her eyes and expressions than with the dialog.  IMHO, this movie, which is a low-budget, shot-in-the-dark will elevate to Oscar consideration, the movie, Cooper and definitely Lawrence.

While the food and company were great for Thanksgiving, I certainly agree that the amount of effort to create that meal doesn't appear to be worthwhile for the payoff, which lasts about fifteen minutes, it seems.  We were all so full that we didn't go back for seconds! As usual, we dieted for the week before- and gorged ourselves (compliments to Bobby Flay) for that one evening.  Now I'm ready to go back on a diet, to feel comfortable again...

Things you'll overhear on Thanksgiving that might sound dirty on any other day
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Restarting Again...

I have started this post at least three times and I still don't know what it is that I wish to share opinions on this week.  I could have a post on how "I told you so" about the formerly (G)OP and their presidential candidate, and the election results, but I have been quite happy with the results of the election and the fact that Uncle Mitt has shared his "bad loser sportsmanship qualities" with the public.  It certainly appears truthful that he (they) were out of touch with the electorate, since they expected a landslide of votes in their direction.   I have always been in favor of doing away with the Electoral College, but considering how smart our forefathers were to come up with it; I'd say that it has served us well to accurately represent the wishes of the major part of the electorate.

Meanwhile, I couldn't possibly be busier at work working on projects whose funding expires by the end of the year.  It has surprised me how productive I can still be, knowing that the end is coming soon.

Today, I am assisting the creation of several parts of our Thanksgiving Feast.  I am go-fer, grater, mixer, shopper, and you-name-it, but I am not responsible for successful creations!

"If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again... it was probably worth it."

"The best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a big one."  - attributed, Junior Johnson

One-liners
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!" 

Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.
 

Answering machine message at a Mental Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it
up.
 

Is Skyfall Still Bond?

The latest Bond movie is evolutionary.  They took us to his boyhood home, replaced M and Q and the format of the movie has changed.  Daniel Craig, with his superb acting skills, has transformed this movie into more of a Bourne-type movie.  There are less gadgets, less cars, just as many women, but very few encounters with them.  I wonder where they are going to take this next.  After fifty years of Bond, perhaps it was time to change it.  After all, the original author has died and these scrips are now written in the Ian Fleming style, but without the cold war, the topics are different and the spying is different.
I think they did a great job as a transitional movie, but I worry that the franchise will be lost amongst other movies that are not unique.

"Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire.  It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad." - Dave Barry

Don't mess with mothers....

My son came home from school one day,

with a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,

don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,

and regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,

and pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,

my body's only for my use,

not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,

like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,

so you can't influence me,

or I'll call Children's Services Division,

better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was

to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping

at the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.

who said they didn't care

if I bought you K-Mart shoes

instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment

to take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned

so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,

or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,

and wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

a favorite dish of mine.

He asked ""Can I please rent a movie,

to watch on my VCR?

"Sorry, but I sold your TV,

for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

you'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires

just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,

dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"

It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,

why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

instead of C.S.D..?

Ode to Our Past

In our later years we try to replay,
All the things we loved back in the day,
Back when we were young and free,
When all that mattered was you and me.

Now we are older and set in our ways,
And find we misremember our younger days,
For what we thought was hip back then,
Was just a bunch of slightly talented men.

We see them in the here and now,
And look back with a slightly scowled brow,
Wondering what all the fuss was about,
Back when the young girls would scream and shout.

Bad Brakes
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

The Smart Phone Cliff..

I face a conundrum, and I'm not alone.  Being in a high tech profession, I would love the newest and fastest of almost anything.  I have preached for so long about security issues and losing one's identity with smart phones that actually require that you "sell your soul", that I have difficulty in accepting one or choosing one if I do accept the idea.  There have been several articles that extol the virtues of smart phones, whether iPhone or Android (see Consumer Reports or About.com).  I am still in the category of cell phone or smart phone.  I spend all day five days a week working on computer software.  I would love dearly to put that kind of technology to work for me.  I think my main issue is trust.  Do I trust Apple or Google ?

Apple is in the business of selling consumer electronics and software AND especially content (such as iTunes offers).  Google, on the other hand, gets most of it's revenue from directed marketing. So if I trust no one and decide to just have a stupid cell phone- which one?  They are not equally bad, but they are ALL bad.

Perhaps I will just turn Lemming and follow most everyone else over the smart phone cliff....from whence we will not return...

No need for spell check

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. 

Cute Dog Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

As was predicted...

So, as predicted, POTUS cleaned Uncle Mitt's clock (at least in electoral votes), but what is most obvious is that the country did not trust Romney or what he said.  He did not make contact with the middle class, Latinos or women, and it cost him the election.  The votes he got were from people that would not vote black, or are too ignorant to understand that issues that plague our economy are Congress' fault- not Obama's.

What is the story with Florida (again)?  Why is it that they cannot count their votes or even get people to vote in a timely manner ? At least, they were not decisive in this election.

Isn't it interesting how all of the extremists come out of their dark corners and try to get a candidacy for the election? Then the most benign of them gets the nomination- and even more interesting is the fact that the election forces reality to the surface for many voters and they move towards the center of responsibility and trust.

The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!

Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone
calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone
number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in
a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky
telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way
to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to
use.

When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime
telemarketer time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA,
you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit
befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we
are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in
fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your
choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you
calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)

Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.

Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has
ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on
KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio
station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at
106.6 FM.
(Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if
they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?

Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest
scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during
dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should
win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the
rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

Click.

Haiku Error Messages
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

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Son of Haiku Error Messages

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade
Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:

* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORKAROUNDS *****

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.

Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name. 

Perspective Accounts For Bad Choices...

I am amazed at the political differences in perspective, given that I am an employee of a defense company, and a good friend is a small business employer of a handful of workers.  During a poker game, nuances came out about the upcoming election and I chose not to explain or dwell and just took note of how one's perspective makes such a big difference in THIS election.  My voting directions have not changed, but now I realize why some people would TOTALLY vote differently than I would.  I guess, in a few days, we'll see what difference it makes.

Has anyone paid attention to ANOTHER of our freedoms eroding away?  At least two (and there may be more) auto insurance companies (AAA and Progressive) are flaunting a new way to give you a discount.  They want to have you plug in a GPS recorder device onto the diagnostic jack on your car.  With this unit in place, they will be able to read our mileage, and WHAT TIME of the day or night it occurs, and WHERE it occurs.  They will also have accelerometer readings to tell if you drive fast or shot short.  I wonder what else is in these units that they are NOT telling us about, as if these three bits of data are not bad enough.  Many cars already have so called black boxes built into the car, but the insurance companies do not have access to the information until a court requests it.  This unit will give them all the information that they need to characterize your driving such that they can give you a discount, raise your rates, or choose not to renew your policy....

Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

A Stormy Campaign

As I sat and watched the coverage of the Sandy hurricane's devastation of the east coast, I was surprised at how quiet the formerly (G)OP became.  Romney had to eat his words again about dissolving FEMA, when, again, it is need most of all.  Obama just acted Presidential and got things moving, while shedding the red-tape AND best of all is his newly formed relationship with Christie in New Jersey.  I got the impression that that Governor felt that he had endorsed the wrong candidate.  The campaign took back-seat to the disaster AND before you know it, it will be voting day- AND, by now everyone has forgotten the debates.  I predict that the victor in this campaign will be second-termer POTUS.

Halloween Quickies...
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...

Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation...

Delaware Decision
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware" 

It couldn't be over soon enough...

If you believe in the Mayan calendar, December 21 is the end of all we have now.  I for one will rest more comfortably knowing that I voted for Obama, never touched Windows 8, never gave in to Apple's magnetic retail scheme, never clicked a "Like" button on Facebook, and basically am comfortable in the decisions that I made throughout my life.  If the prophesy is true, then certainly I can do nothing to change the inevitable.  I am probably regarded as old and cantankerous and nobody else really cares that I have have comfort.  IMHO I believe that that is very important to be truthful to one's self.

If I looked at my "bucket list", I wouldn't find things like jumping out of an airplane, climbing Mount Everest or flying to the Moon.  It only consists of things that I would like to do, given the time.  Right now, there are three local attractions that I would like to see: the Endeavor at the California Science Center, the big rock at LACMA and the battleship Iowa in San Pedro.  If the Mayan Apocalypse occurs before I get there, I guess it won't matter so much.

I'm sure glad that California is not one of the battleground or swing states.  I honestly don't believe I could stand presidential ads on top of the state and Congressional political ads that we have now.  They must honest believe that they will pester us into voting their way.  Speaking of pester: how about all those poll phone calls.  It has gotten to the point that we don't answer the phone from six p.m. until after nine p.m.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-
old soccer players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call
him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

Time Honored Truths
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,  where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,  where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas
- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
I dunno, why do we?

Are they done yet ?

Now that I have seen the last of the debates, I am even more sure that Uncle Mitt is lacking in the Presidential smarts area.  While the debate was supposed to be about foreign affairs, Uncle Mitt was too agreeable to Obama's policies leaving Obama with little to discuss.  Romney kept trying to force the discussion to be of the economy, and other domestic affairs that Romney feels more comfortable discussing.  Obama did a very good job of trying to keep Romney on the debate topic, and cut him down several times because of his waffling platform.

In whole, the Formerly (G)OP did NOT successfully sway me to believe that Romney is a better choice, only that he was the best out of the GOP candidates to attempt to take on Obama.  What REALLY scares me here is that Romney may still have a chance to beat Obama and we will have to contend with his steep learning curve.  There are many people that will not ever vote for Obama.  There are people that won't vote black.  There are people that blame Obama for their job being lost, or high prices.  There are people that say that Obama hasn't done enough, in spite of the fact that the Republican congress has blocked his every move.  I fervently believe that there is no more that he could have done given the circumstances of the the economy and two wars that the GOP (Bush) saddled him with.  To have remedied all that was awry in only one term would have been miraculous.  If he gets a second term, it may still be miraculous if he can accomplish what is necessary in spite of the favorable/unfavorable congress.

Remember what I said about congressional elections: "Throw the bums out!".

Clever Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Women's Profound Sayings

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

- A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!

- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

- I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

No longer "on the fence"....

The second Presidential debate left me with a much better taste in my mouth for this election. Romney was rude, offensive and disrespectful of the mediator. Obama got his digs in, and they were justified.  Remember I said that the formerly(G)OP put forth their best candidate, but unfortunately, they have little to choose from.  Uncle Mitt is the least offensive from the extremist perspective. but he is proving that he can be offensive to many different voting groups.  I have always had mixed feeling about this election and using my "throw the bums out" philosophy, unfortunately, only works when there is a viable replacement candidate.  Romney is not a viable replacement.  He is not "Presidential".  He claims to have many plans, but he will not share the details until after the election.  This smells.  It is because they haven't worked out the details, for they would most likely find out that there are "gotchas" which would prevent actualization.

Luggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

The Classifieds
Actual excerpts from classified sections:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Boobs

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip out
They stay put just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes not my tits

De-bait!

Having watched the debate between Biden and Ryan last evening, I was not surprised that it was so easy for Biden to put Ryan in his place.  It was like a father - son argument in the family room.  Ryan appeared to be well rehearsed and argued from memory, while Biden, in his incomparable style, appeared to shoot from the hip and get in his share of gaffs.  I believe that Biden successfully set the stage for Obama to come back and finish the story in the second Presidential debate with Romney.  It does, however, amaze me to no end at how much they pick apart all of the text of the debate.

The shuttle makes the last of it journey to retirement today.  I wish I could be there to see it navigate the streets, but soon I will be one of many to visit it at the California Science Center.  Hopefully, there is someone that is filming the journey, because getting there is half the fun.

A visit to the Regan Library shows how they got the previous Air Force One there to display. I am hoping that a feature such as that would be available at the Science Center as well.

I never knew this: Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
It is a known fact that the Penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguin then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

Then they kick him in the ice hole. 







Too funny!
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it
had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.

NEW DOG BREEDS!

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other blonde says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

No More Birthday Party Polka

A sad day today as Sheriff John (John Rovick) passes. Over fifty years ago, I would watch his show and sing along to his birthday song.  I would watch Crusader Rabbit cartoons and then play "Red light- green light" with him while drinking my milk.  I had forgotten about him, but after being reminded I remember him well.

I have purposely been avoiding talking about the political scene recently.  I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed in the first presidential debate.  I think that it was predictable that Romney would move to the center and say things that were not true to make points in the debate.  I was surprised, though, that Obama stood there and took what he said without reaction.  I am not one of the believers that the debates would make or break the campaign, but Romney may now have a false sense of security going into the third one. Obama now has a whole passel of ammunition for the next debate.  Hopefully, Jim Lehrer will not be involved, as he was obviously too passive to control Romney.

It All Makes Sense Now...
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Some System
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!" 

Campaign?

Living in California, I can easily tell you that it is difficult to tell that there is a Presidential campaign, currently.  I realize that we are not living in a "Battleground" state, but even so.  I think I can count the number of bumper stickers, posters or signs relative to the Presidential contest on one hand!  This is bizarre to me.  Both sides are considering the "given" states as given, which is also bizarre.  If we only base our lives and their direction on polls, then we would all be considered lemmings jumping off a cliff because it was expected.
Truthfully, my mind is made up over most of the candidates and propositions.  I have not seen or heard any campaigning that would cause me to doubt my decisions or even sway.
If I lived in Ohio or Florida, I am assuming that we would have been inundated by all the campaign paraphernalia and ads. Since the parties are focusing on the so called "Battleground" state, they are obviously expecting to make a difference there.  I wonder if that is true?

More important, I think, than the presidential race are the congressional races.  Congress needs to be revamped to allow some actual work to be done rather than just blocking Obama.  I'm not telling you anything that you haven't already heard, but certainly you should be aware of the impact that their attitude and lack of performance on the economy, job creation, foreign policy, etc.

Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault... women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.