Smartphonatics Anonymous

A very busy weekend behind me now, I didn't realize that I would long for a day "off" after two.  I spent at least eight hours working in the garden on Saturday, with trimming and cleaning and re-planting.  It was a gloriously beautiful day- the day of the Summer Solstice parade and celebration downtown, which I knew that I would not be participating in.  As I have grown older, I long for new experiences and eschew the ones that I have enjoyed in the past that are now crowded with so many people.  
Saturday night found us both wiped out, but desiring some entertainment.  We caught a late showing of "Rock of Ages".  Having read the reviews previously, I had low expectations for the beginning of the movie, at least until Tom Cruise made the scene.  I am a big fan of Julianne Hough, but REALLY expected more dancing during the show.  Also, since Adam Shankman is the director, I really expected much more dancing.  In general, it was an entertaining show, with nostalgia generating music and action.  As the other reviews stated equivalently, Tom Cruise stole the show with his rendition of the stereotypical rocker.
Sunday found me dealing ever-so-patiently with lighting issues in the back yard, which will become the celebration area for my wife's upcoming birthday.  Existing lighting stopped working.  Supplemental lighting only worked occasionally.  FINALLY, after much frustration, all of the old was ripped out, and thrown away.  This was replaced by all new stuff that worked 100% of the time.  By that time the weekend had caught up with us.  We were, once again, wiped out by the seeming simple, but unsuccessful tasks of the day.

So is the next best thing going to be "Smartphonatics Anonymous" ?  Many users are obsessing and changing their lives and our culture by their actions.

Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

You slower people may need someone to explain it

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week. 

Top ten reasons why dogs are better pets than cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Before Us and During...

Sunday I was treated to a viewing of  Prometheus.  As I expected, I would leave the theater with two things "for sure".  First, I would have more questions than I had when I started the movie. Secondly, there would definitely be a connection to "Alien" as well as a sequel to Prometheus.  While the story unfolded pretty slowly, there were some profound similarities to the Alien series, as well as some symbolic "newness".  I enjoyed the story, but was very surprised at the mildness of the horror aspects.  The attack scenes were extremely tolerable.  The opening scene of a human forefather ceremonially ingesting some kind of substance that caused his dissolution and fall into a large waterfall had some symbolic statement, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I watched with contemptuous anticipation at the big announcement by Microsoft of their new product, the "Surface".  On the surface (sic) , the product indicates that Microsoft was thinking clearly to come up with features that the iPad does not easily offer.  It is clear that Microsoft is aiming primarily for the business customer, but would like to cover many bases.  At this point, I find the product and features enticing, but there are a lot of gotchas that one has to consider: 1) It is new and unproven hardware. 2) It is made by Microsoft (previously also known as Microshaft). 3) No release date or pricing information was forthcoming in the announcement. 4) It is run by Windows 8, which is unproven and has no history or reviews.  5) One "successful" product does not make the Microsoft naysayers go away. 6) There is now information as to who or where these will be sold (or serviced).  At least with iPad, I can go to any Apple store.  Bottom line, this may be too little too late for Microsoft, but the market will certainly decide.

Free or For Sale

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER - 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES - 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog

FREE PUPPIES - Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED - Also 1 gay bull for sale

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! - Must sell washer and dryer £100

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE - Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

CLOTHES WASHER $100 - Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE - Only used on snowy days

FREE PUPPIES - Part German shepherd - part dog

TWO WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES - 1 x 5-finger, 1 x 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX - Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

GERMAN SHEPHERD - Female. 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

FREE CAN OF PORK & BEANS - With purchase of 3 br 2 bath home

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used. Call Chubbie

FREE: FARM KITTENS - Ready to eat

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - Pole included $100

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE - Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT - Queen size mattress & box springs -$175

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL - Experience preferred.

FOR SALE - Three canaries of undermined sex.

GREAT DAMES FOR SALE - Free to good home.

WANTED: HAIR CUTTER - Excellent growth potential.

LOST: SMALL APRICOT POODLE - Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

FOUR-POSTER BED - 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

DOG FOR SALE - Eats anything and is fond of children.

WANTED - Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

WANTED - Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Classic Design

What does it take to make a classic car?  A white-coved Corvette, big tailed Cadillac or original Model-T? Do we have any new classics in the making?  I might be wrong, but I don't think so.  Design is a funny concept.  Why does a classic-design Rolex never go out of style.  It is only those designs that meet the criteria that our eyes and perspective find desirable.  We are our own worst critics.  Designers are always telling us that their latest model is a "classic".  I might believe it when I see it...  Let me know the next time that someone calls a new design "classic" and it turns out to be.


Why is it... that we are so concerned about giving up our privacy to drones, but we are oblivious to the sucking sounds as our privacy drains away from Fleecebook and smart phones ?  Is it that we don't get some whiz-bang high-tech electronics and some apps to perform mindless tasks in trade ???

Updated Chinese Proverb

Original Chinese Proverb - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

2012 Revision/update
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democrat for life.

Golf game......

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt
to win. 

Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way,
told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time.
In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another
and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. 

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. 

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. 

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight
I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel...... What do you say?" Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" 

"What? Why not?" asked Dave. 

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that
part of me yet!" "What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. 

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

Florida-ted...

What's going on in Florida?  Is that still part of America?  They have had a kid killed by a neighborhood watch for wearing a hoody, and someone on bath salts ate the face off a homeless guy.  Is there something in the water down there ?  Isn't this the "hanging chad" state, as well ?  Utterly amazing!

Everyone was all excited at the prospect that Apple's announcement would include the IPhone5 (even I was anticipatory).  The move to make their computers with the Retina screens will once again, drive the market.  Putting Siri on the iPad will also cause the competition to scramble.  This is good business- healthy business.  It is good to force the industry in the direction that you desire.  My hat is off to Apple.  I'm looking forward to see what Google does now that they have purchased Motorola's cell phone group.  It is too bad, though, that all the manufacturing goes on overseas.  We REALLY need to get it back.

It used to be that whenever you bought some tech gear, it was out of date by the time you got home.  I think that the period of "bestness" is becoming shorter and shorter.  People that buy "me-too" technology usually suffer, in spite of saving money or getting some additional useless feature.  We all want to get the original and "best", but sometimes we are not willing to pay for it.

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNIN
A bar called Drummond's, in Mt. Vernon, Texas, began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer."

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church.... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.

He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Wal Mart

A few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my one for the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936". He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me" look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We
wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.  

SEX AND THE LAW - STRANGE BUT TRUE

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (What, was someone turned
to stone or something?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins
to marry. (And you thought you had a great job?
I wonder what their resume's look like?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Talk
about performance anxiety!)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. (Apparently this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass a law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well... not as great as Guam!)

Caving: Resistance is Futile

I was one of the people that opted-out of the upgrade of electric meters to Smart-Meters.  My whole neighborhood has been "upgraded" while my analog meter remains and is tagged "Not to Replace".  Rumors have been circulating as well as having been published that fees for opting-out have been set by the PUC.  I have not seen any fees attached to my bill yet.  Yesterday I received a mailer describing the "advantages" that I would have if I "upgrade", and also detailing the fees.  It would be $75 initial fee and $10 per month to totally opt-out.  Also, opting-in could only be done after a year.  That adds up to $75 + 12x$10 = $195.  There apparently is no way to continue resistance w/o a large expenditure.  As they say, resistance is futile, at this point.  The electric companies have way too much clout to be curtailed by the PUC.  I assume, at this point, I will bow my head in shame and sell out for $195.  I am sooooo disappointed in myself.....

Three women were talking.

The German woman says, "I'm tired of cleaning the house. I told my husband I am not going to clean the house again. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing, the third day, amazing! My husband cleaned the whole house."

The American woman said, "I'm tired of washing clothes. I told my husband I am not going to wash clothes any more. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing, the third day, amazing! My husband did all the laundry, washed it, dried it and folded it."

The Italian woman said, "I'm tired of cooking. It told my husband I am not going to cook any more. The first day, I see nothing, the second day, I see nothing. The third day, I start to see a little out of my left eye.

The Whole Story
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would
do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.

The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.

To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it. 

Fleecebook...a flash in the pan.

If Zuck gets his way, he will soon start reaping information from 11 year old Fleecebook members.  Methinks that is a bit much.  Now people are asking whether the membership age should be the same as the drinking age, 21.  That may be a bit over-restrictive.  I would favor 18 as the cutoff.  By then, a teen is either too stupid to care, or smart enough to be wary.

So what happened to the attendance on Facebook?  According to polls, usage is down by 34% in the last six months. Does this mean that there is still hope for our society ?? It was bound to happen that the "newness" and "coolness" would wear off.  What we didn't realize is that being bombarded with direct marketing and everyday nonsense from the bazillion users that you befriended was going to get OLD.  This was a very good time to get as much public money as possible from an IPO, right ?  I think that Zuck needs to grow up and face reality and that Facebook (Fleecebook) isn't the reality that he was counting on.  It will become a flash in the pan, as AOL and Yahoo did.  The masses are constantly searching for the next best thing to come along...

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

The top 31 things that you will never hear a Southern boy say:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae.....darlin'

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Small Drinks Only In NYC

I am amazed.  Our primary election is next Tuesday, June 5.  We have not been polled over the phone nor is there a plethora of political signs on everyone's lawn- in fact I haven't seen one!  So assuming that the presidential primary is a given, what about all the politicians running for state office?  The are only two questionable propositions here, and I have seen a few signs for them.  I'm guessing that there is only waning enthusiasm give the unemployment and the state of the economy.  This may be a really interesting election- or not!

So Bloomberg thinks that limiting the size of a sugary soda drink will help fight the obesity in New York City- NOT!  Gubmint, at any level has got to stay out of our private lives.  Telling us that sugary drink are bad, and smoking is bad- along with everything else they've thrown at us- Isn't that enough?  Has the gubmint lied to you so many times that you ignore everything that they say? 

People will buy two 16oz. drinks instead of one 32oz. drink.  They will return to the fountain and refill their cups umpteen times and the 16oz. limit won't make a hill-of-beans' difference. Is Bloomberg out of touch?  Probably no more than most politicians nowadays.  Why does the gubmint believe that regulation is the solution to the world's problems.  Whatever happened to EDUCATING the world so they can fix their own problems.

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." 

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for five."  

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write "click" and I wrote "click".  

Units of measure

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

AND.......

100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Me

Some readers have asked me what my blog is about.  It is about me.  It is what I feel like opining about or complaining about.  It is what I think is weird or funny.  It is all about me and what goes on in my life.  It is my perspective on the world's occurrences.  


I thought about picking a different topic, but I know "me" best!

Understanding Engineers
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Then there was the model who drank some varnish--she died horribly but it was a beautiful finish...

And the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his orders...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
       "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
       "Is it common?"
       "Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe you," says Dolly.   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week .... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption .. One of  them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'    The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
   
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains in the world.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded "It is all really
quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. 

13 INTERESTING QUOTES
1. I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

2. I know you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

3. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

4. A man is as young as the woman he feels.

5. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

6. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

7. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

8. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

9. If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

10. Stay with me; I want to be alone

11. Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people.

12. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Feeling Zucked

When a close friend that has beat cancer once, calls you and says that his doctor is concerned about a new hot spot, many thought fleet through your mind.  First there is concern, then sympathy, then your own vulnerability becomes visible.  How does he cope with that kind of news?  How do I?  I don't want to lose my friend, nor do I want him to suffer physically, emotionally or mentally.  Sickness is a nasty thing to deal with.  When someone that is a heavy smoker gets cancer, it is still bad, but is a logical result of a bad practice.  When someone gets cancer that is not the result of a bad habit or even accident, that is most difficult to accept.  When it is an innocent child, that is even worse.  I don't wish this ordeal on anyone.  I pray that my friend continues to beat this down...

Days later, the doctor's office calls to apologize for the scare but the reading was falsely based.  What can you do at this point, since the doctor's office is manned by humans that are not always 100% sure of what they are doing...

So, as we look inside of ourselves (reflecting on our vulnerabilities) and also at what our society has become, I wonder what the shift to a digital world has affected.  Certainly, the interaction between friends, relatives and even mates is different now that we have embraced smart phones and non-confrontational electronic social networking.  The world is becoming addicted to the always data-hungry digital media.  What effects will this have on society.  Facebook is stealing the innocence of our inner lives.  Is the use of Facebook "Zucking us up"?

It is bad enough that we have become dependent, but kids have never known different and have adjusted far to fast.  What have they lost having never known different ?

Perhaps there is still hope... 

Why Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per month. 

Krikey

Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Being Useful

Will Fleecebook ever live it down ???

I am quite sure that the IPO didn't go off as planned, but many investors MADE money at the expense of the unsuspected.  Why is this IPO different from any of the others?  Is it because of the hype which made it seem to valued at so many billions that the complications arose to be sure that profits were spread around (not to the investors, though).

Have you ever felt as though you have outlived your usefulness?  That is probably the best time to volunteer at a local charity.  Those places are always looking for useful volunteers.  It will adjust your life's perspectives and attitudes.

Accident summary:
Some people who had automobile accidents were asked to summarize exactly what happened on their insurance form.

The following quotes were taken from those forms:

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle
and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

• The pedestrian had no idea of which way to go, so I ran
over him.

• The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.
"That's disgusting!" shouts the wife."It's the dog." the guy claims.
"Don't blame the fucking dog" she yells,"It was cooked perfectly!!"  

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 (You'll love this)

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you.

Kibosh

Don't you find it curious that all the hype over picking a GOP candidate appears to have been dropped.  Nobody is even reporting what Romney is saying.  Did I miss something, or has the real campaigning against Obama not really started yet ??  Or will it? Sometimes I feel as though I live under a rock, even though I read at least two newspapers and multiple news websites every day...someone tell me what is happening...

Something hit me this morning, kibosh.  I feel as though the kibosh is closing in on me... now what the hell does that mean?  "Kibosh", according to the online dictionary, means to put an end to something.  It seems as though there is something that is ending everyday that I read the news, AND there are things that we want to end, so we'll put the kibosh on them too.


Seems like there are always actions we should stop, products that we shouldn't use anymore, and places we shouldn't buy anything from.  This is good for you.  This is bad for you.  Don't buy from thee because it doesn't support American jobs. The lists change every day.


And there are the Mayans, which would have us believe that the kibosh is really on the whole world, as of December 21.

Facebook's new rival
SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains. “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said. “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says. “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says,

"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close
to supper time. Go outside and play."

Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes
upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray
on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of
his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom
doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"

Week of Wonder!

It is an amazing week!  

Phillip Phillips was crowned as the new American Idol (well deserved).  

Donald Driver wins the mirror-ball trophy on Dancing With The Stars.  

Miley Cyrus says the sex is cool (and in spite of my dislike for her, this may the only time that I will agree with her- ever).  

Fleecebook's IPO(otherwise known as Initial Private Offering) has become "Faceplant" or "Fleebook", as the company, CEO (Zuck) and Morgan Stanley are sued.   I hope that some Wall Streeters are jailed over this one...

Los Angeles has officially outlawed plastic one-use bags. 

General Colin Powell has endorsed Obama's version of legal same-sex marriage. 

We had an amazing solar eclipse.  

I am really enthused. What else could happen to make this week wondrous?

ABOUT GROWING OLDER... (Will Rogers)

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

I Owe My Mother ....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!

But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

Banks- ick!

Have I said yet recently how much I hate banks ?? After my recent trip to Eagle Rock to secure a lease for a house for Tori and two other girls for her senior year at Occidental, the landlord expressed his wishes that the rent be paid with ONE check.  Tori volunteered to get a checking account and the other two girls can make deposits.  One of the other girls volunteered to handle the utilities by having the remainder deposit one check into her account. Tori and I surveyed which banks were conveniently located in the area, you see we do all of our banking business through credit unions.  We like the kinder and gentler approach that credit unions take to their members.

Upon returning home, we decided which bank brand we would open an account in.  Avoiding BofA (which I won't do business with) and my distaste of Chase, we chose CitiBank.

We entered the local branch and proceeded to the New Accounts desk.  It is a good thing that the lights were on in the bank, because this poor woman was "lights-out, nobody home"!

We told her that Tori needed a student checking account.  She offered up an all in one that allowed bill paying, had an ATM card that was also debit, a credit card and a savings account.  We repeated that we only needed a checking account.

I told her that I was prepared to put $50 into the account to open it.  She continued down the path of no return for an all-in-one account.  She asked for ID and Tori supplied student card and driver's license.  The woman looked closely at both.  Then she said, what school are you going to...

The reply was that we gave you an ID from Occidental.  Don't you think that that is where I am attending?  What is you address, she said.  We replied that is the same as on the driver's license.  Then she said that the opening deposit would be $200.

What I said, your website clearly says that the opening deposit can be as small as $0...  even though I was putting $50 in.  She said, then we'll need $100 in order to put $50 in the savings account.  We then both said, we only need a checking account.  At this point we were not only getting frustrated, but feeling sorry for the woman.  We decided that we would just open both accounts and then close the savings account after the fact.

Now that we had confirmed why (again) we hate banks.  The woman told us that the charge for the checks would be taken out of the account, $25.  How outrageous for 120 checks.  If this was going to be a busy account, we would have probably left by now and told the woman where to stick her account.  As I said, we began to feel sorry for her.

Never again will we do business at a bank unless it is absolutely necessary- and we will certainly not order checks from them, or believe their website claims.

 

Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck
Katie
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Xx

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least:

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Divided vote...

Isn't amazing how some topic that is very important, but not previously addressed by POTUS, can be blown so far out of proportion?  Since the Feds have no control over what the states do to allow same-sex marriage, having POTUS come out in favor while Uncle Mitt is obviously religiously against, is showing that POTUS is changing as the society and culture is changing, but the formerly (G)OP is not.  So what is the result?
Nobody that is gay will cast a vote in the direction of the the GOP.  Nobody that is related to a gay will cast a vote in the direction of the GOP.  The Bible Belt will be left out in the cold, as they would not vote for a Mormon OR someone that advocates same sex marriage.  Progressives will vote Democratic.  Anti-blacks will vote Republican.  Young voters will vote for POTUS while old voters will continue to vote for the split-tongue GOP.  What an election...  This will outrank the election decided by a hanging chad, for sure.  Just how much will Uncle Mitt change his story- just to get elected?  I think this country is suffering from Electile Dysfunction!

Separated at Birth?

" We all have nerd power, we just forget. We all grow up thinking we are artists, engineers, astronauts, and dreamers, but then give over to doubt and practicality. In short, we let someone more capable take the lead. But there is no one else. Just you. If we are lucky someone steps in, takes a hand and says ' let me help you believe."

Regina Duggan
TED lecturer

Woman's Poem 
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the
better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an
hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going
so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The
woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited
her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better - your ear or your finger?"

Ali G's version of the bible

Check it !  'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old.

It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It
have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well
boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New
Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been
fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.

Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up
a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been
class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey
was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da
basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them
altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey
died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey
say (not de dinosaurs hobviously coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I
has remixed dem for da new millenimum.

Da old Commandments:

I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:

I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire,
u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it, me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold
de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid
on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz
a minger).

Ten Commandments: Republican Style

I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.

II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.

III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.

IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children.

V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties.

VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest above those of your corporate contributors.

VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind.

VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them.

IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible.

X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda. 

Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family) - RULES FOR GUYS
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is YOUR responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.