"Trash Society": Simplified

I wanted to use a pair of my headphones on a computer at work, so I brought them in and plugged them in to my tower computer (sitting on the floor).  Obviously, the cable was too short.  I remembered that I had a cable at home for extending the distance to speakers on my home computer.  When I looked at it, it had two male ends which was what was necessary for the speaker use.  For the headphones, I needed one female and one male.  No problem, I thought.  I'll just go to a local store and buy an adapter- how much could it cost?  First stop was Staple's.  I looked at the shelves and found a two-male ended extension cable with a female adapter.  This would work for any application- but it was $15! Ridiculous! I found someone there with a badge on that claims a paycheck every other week and asked for just the adapter.  He claimed that they didn't sell it alone- and pushed the $15 solution...no way.
Next stop was Best Buy.  I wasn't sure where in the store the audio cables were, so I asked. I was sent to the iPod section.  I thought that I had found the correct adapter, but then I was told (when I asked the price, because there wasn't a "location" for it on the shelf) that it was the wrong size on the female side.  I asked for more help, and got someone overqualified that obviously was not happy with his job there- because it was "under" his standard.  He directed me to a whole new location on the other side of the store.  There, once again, I could not find an adapter, but just another extension cable- this one female on one end.  It was marked on the shelf at $9.99.  I guessed that with the price of gasoline, this was a better solution that traipsing down to Radio Shack (which I hate now) or somewhere else.  I took it to the register and it rang up as $4.99!  I guessed that ALL of them on that shelf were in the wrong place.  I didn't bring it up to the cashier.  I figured that it was their problem if the price was in the barcode database incorrectly, as long as it was in my favor.  I got the extension (which I didn't really need) and the female end for about what the adapter would cost.  Now I still have a cable that I can't use.
My point here is that there is a trend which I dislike.  The chain stores like Home Depot and Lowe's sell packages of screws or bolts, usually one or two more than I need, but I cannot find them when I need them.  This forces me to buy more.  The local privately-owned hardware store sells screws and bolts per each.  The chain stores like Staple's and Best Buy are forcing people into the same trend, where they buy a solution, but it always leaves some already-owned accessories left over.
Good thing there is always more room in my junk drawers at home.  Unfortunately, what I want is never where I look- even though I know I've got what I want somewhere.....We have turned into a trash society that is made up of products designed to be used ONLY once!  The solution to MY problem does not match the solution that they are selling anymore...

Splinters:
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management" before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but they turned you down."

SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. 

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the
sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing

FREE  KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Obama.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, Their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
 
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
 
 “Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of   “FREE KITTENS,”

When another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo

And walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans.”

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.   But today, they have their eyes open.”

Alfred Hitchcock was a sweetie too.

Alfred used to tell people "I have the heart of a small boy.
It's kept in my desk drawer".

The Green Thing...

I received this story in an email recently.  It is so true...

The Green Thing...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to
go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
AMEN.

In case you forgot about the Singularity- here is a reminder....  It is getting closer and closer.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America , the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN ."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Different
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Panda Poop vs. Civet Droppings

Under the category of, GIVE ME A BREAK..... So not to be outdone by the "world's most expensive coffee" title, which was given to beans partially digested by a civet ($600 per pound), there is now available "world's most expensive tea"- which is tea($3500 for 50 grams or about one and three quarters ounces) grown in soil that has been fertilized with Panda poop.  All that I can say is yuk, on both accounts....




Even more so: GIVE ME AN EVEN BIGGER BREAK...Romney has now claimed that Bush saved us from depression...  Getting us into two wars that we could not afford to be in has drained this country to the state we are in today.  Bush left the economy in shambles as well as giving Wall Street a free unshackled ride which also drained us of money, homes and jobs.  That is the way that Obama inherited it. It only takes a fourth grade education to see that that is true... even though most people don't want to admit it.

How to hunt for Elephants...
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   1. Catch each animal seen.
   2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:

   SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS 
   2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' 
   3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE' 
   4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY' 
   5 AND TRUNK ='YES' 
   6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if some one else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:

1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
GRADUATE STUDENTS don't hunt elephants, but they sure enjoy driving around in jeeps.

Internet Dropout

Sunday night I decided to give my wireless router one more chance to stop dropping the internet connection at my house.  I burned a new set of firmware onto it that I loaded from their support site.  Note, I am not badmouthing the manufacturer by revealing it's name. Consequently, it did no good.  Considering it was rainy all weekend, this was a great time to try to fix the "intermittent internet" issue.  After only about a year and a half of use, it was time to give it a new moniker, "boat anchor".  A "boat anchor" with an expired one year warranty.
Visiting the local Best Buy, there were only two brands that I would consider, the one I was replacing and NetGear.  The others are the ones that always get returned.  The one I was replacing required a load from a CD and then a search for any firmware or driver updates and re-loading, if necessary before starting.  The new one contained all the software (i.e. drivers and configuration and monitoring software and firmware), that was needed.  Just hook it up, apply power and access it through a browser- and away you go.  How simple could that be?  It has a lot of features that will give me some "future" with this unit, given that it lasts.  This unit has a lifetime warranty.  Lifetime is a long time, but it means that they don't expect it to fail, at least not three months after the warranty expires.  This unit has dual frequencies and uses N level protocols and is doubly encrypted.  Can't ask for more, so far....  and we are no longer being dropped off the internet!

THIS IS NOT ME!

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

Five secrets to a successful relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Good Advice:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Sometimes I wish I had gas...

Like Heinlein's The Door into Summer, with our late cold snap of a storm, the cat is making her rounds to each window to look for some sun.  It is now almost 11:00 on Sunday and I am wearing a jacket in the house.  The sun is intermittently shining outside, but not enough to warm the inside of the house.  We are reluctant to turn on the heat to warm the whole house for just us.  The dog uses his nose and gets under his blanky, without his face even showing.  We have to be careful not to sit on anything, 'cause it might move.

Gas is still going up, but it hasn't reached $5.00 a gallon yet.  When that happens, I will be walking to work and back.  My wife suggests that I get a scooter, but I don't believe that the risk is worth it.  At least if I walk or ride a bike, I can be on the sidewalk (walking the bike) in the high-traffic areas.  We shall see...

I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An old man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Good. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Happy holiday to ya'll.  Tonight is corned beef and cabbage and Guinness.  The Guinness that I have is canned draft, check this out... It doesn't take 119.5 seconds out of a can, but it is fast enough.

Only in Ireland

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing
we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!

And for those of you who thought this would be off-colour, say two Hail Marys! 

the truth about life

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated and moved out of the house."

the old swimming hole

Three priests went for a ramble in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too long, they were sweating profusely.

They came upon a small lake and since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

"I don't know about you two," he replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize." 

Control of Drones...

Just in case you were totally oblivious to the rest of the world, check out the Website of the day... WTF Should I Do With My Life?

We all hear a lot of chatter about the drones operating in the Middle East war zones.  We feel that they are good because they don't risk our American lives.  What about using drones domestically?  How do we feel about the privacy issues as well as discussions about law enforcement utilizing them while they are armed, and remotely controlled?  Check out this video on domestic use of drones....

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

An old man who'd lived all his life in the hills of West Virginia came to visit a childhood friend down in the valley. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO..ooo...OOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit. Fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"  

Patients' Hospital Chart Quotes

She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 
 



Hit The Floor -- A True Story
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.

But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.' I'll be right back and we'll go eat,' she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

'My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed' Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'

We've been slimed!

So all this time you were depending on your IT guy to fix problems....  Problems continued because  he had a funny accent and lived in Bangalore- NOT.  The real problem was that he was inept to begin with! They don't keep up with the technology changes.  What choice do you have, but to become savvy yourself.

Is this ONLY ground beef?

What is this Pink Slime and goo used to extend meat products like chicken and beef?

With all the discussion about "pink slime" being added to hamburger in restaurants to stretch the beef; how do you know what you are getting in the supermarket??  

They recommend what to buy as hamburger.  IMHO, pick up a round steak or sirloin steak and ask the butcher to grind it while you wait AND watch.  Otherwise, it might be a good time to eat something else until they come with a "slimeless" packaging law.  Or maybe you can buy JUST pink slime and use it alone...  How about "Pink Slime" Helper?  Doesn't this "stuff" look disgusting?  It looks more like strawberry ice cream than meat.  Seems like the FDA is asleep again- at least on packaging.  If I saw hamburger labels as "ground chuck and bits of byproducts from steers", I wouldn't hesitate to run in the other direction!

I am proud of myself.  At lunch I went to the local sporting goods store to get my wife a new pair of hiking socks.  I was actually presented with a choice of buying American or foreign, and I bought "Made in America".  [I don't know, though, whether the ingredients were all American or that they were just assembled here. Funny, I didn't used to think of those things....]

Office conversation!

1st Person: ``Do you know anything about this fax-machine?''
2nd Person: ``A little. What's wrong?''
1st Person: ``Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.''
2nd Person: ``How did you load the sheet?''
1st Person: ``It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.'' 

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched  

Aren't we done being Palinated??

Why all this talk about Palin (or is most of it coming from her direction)? She isn't running, or is she? It is not a far stretch to consider that she might be asked to be a running mate once again.  While she has more recognition than she had the first time, much "water has passed under the bridge".  I mean that what we didn't know the first time, but supposed, we KNOW now- and know better ("you betcha!").

Why is it such a big deal if a celebrity poses nude on a magazine when they are pregnant? If she wasn't, then it would just be another magazine cover.  Women are beautiful when they are pregnant.  Why shouldn't they pose?  [not that I'm going to buy the magazine anyway...]

Locked Out

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy.... 

Thought provoking one-liners which may lead to chuckles (or not)...
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Found in classified ads ....

Free puppies! 1/2 Cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat...been out awhile. Better be reward.

Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.

Tickle Me Elmo, still in box comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

Hummels - largest selection ever "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 / hour.

Things you would never know without the Movies

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.  
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 

Things You Probably Did Not Know

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Starfish haven't got brains.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

And finally...
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

I am typing this over my newly acquired (this morning) cable modem which is DOCSIS 3.0 compatible.  Apparently, the local cable company decided to upgrade and not tell us.  The old one worked fine for very shot periods of time, but then dropped off (perhaps confused by the new packet format).  My point here is that everything keeps "improving" to support new features or more speed.  I was quite happy with the capabilities of my old cable modem, but I am forced to upgrade (if I want any semblance of reliability) to a new Chinese made mode.  Could I find one made in America- NO!  So here I have not been given any choice in the matter of my purchase.  They are all (at least what was available to me) made in China.  So I am supporting their economy, and hurting ours for that very reason- I HAVE NOT BEEN GIVEN A CHOICE!  Would I pay more for an American one, probably.  Wouldn't it be great if we had that choice on everything?  Even items that appear American are probably not 100%.  Wouldn't it be interesting to see information on GM, Ford and Chrysler as to the percentage of American components on each vehicle.  I think we are all being duped into thinking that we are supporting our own economy by buying what appears to be American- when it is truthfully not!

The Entabulator

Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business.

They were preparing to tape their first introductory video and, as a warm up, one of the stage crew began a monologue that has become legend within the training industry.

This man should have won an academy award for his performance.
Now keep in mind, this was a rehearsal for camera, lighting, and stage crew, and he had no script! This is all strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down, and nothing he says is true.
It's just meaningless drivel and BS made up as he goes along.

I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming congressmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.

 

Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Modern Thinking

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. 

Women and cars don't mix

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' 

In breaking election news, None of the Above, has taken a commanding lead over the other presidential hopefuls.

While still a bit of a mystery, None of the Above has managed to siphon off most of the "Anybody but Romney" voters, as well as most of the "Please not Obama" again vote.

In addition to siphoning votes from the leading contenders, None of the Above has decimated the "Googled Santorum", "Ergo Ego Gingrich" and "Ron Who" campaigns. 

Net to Brick!

I am a PayPal user.  I have been for several years and it appears to work well and very securely.  I have a debit card from them that allows me to utilize the monies in the account in other ways (not necessarily online).  I would sell stuff on Ebay and instantly have the money available via my PayPal debit card.
Occasionally, I would buy things from the local Home Depot store.


Recently, I went into that store to get light bulbs and batteries.  I USUALLY go though the self service check-out counter (another story totally).  This time, when I punched the spot on the screen that said I am done, and ready to check-out- PayPal was an option!  This is the first occurrence (at least to me) of an online entity leaking over to a bricks & mortar application.  I thought it was wonderful.  It does men, however, that I would have to enter my usercode and password into a self-checkout machine for it to work.  This may take longer than the people behind me in line want to wait.  Still, I am impressed.

The Janitor is Missing

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!" 

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.

So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.

“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?” 
 

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!


Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:

1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in reverse.

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!

(Note: This will work with all shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those fancy city boy shoes back on your feet - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Suggest that well-dressed client and boss should kick off THEIR Italian wingtips and socks and that THEY would also be more comfortable barefoot.

5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.

6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

8) Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!

9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.

10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.

Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those yuppie clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!

14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.

15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that hotshot businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square from your suit, unfasten your tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.

14) Now the suit: ultimate symbol of corporate success, but also an obstacle to bubbahood! Strip off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss ALL items in the garbage can. Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just dump it in the garbage.

Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system.

15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, your cell phone, Ipod and day-timer to the garbage can.

16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet.

17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack.

20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman teeth of yours will have to go. Have you seen a redneck’s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.

23) We have more news for you: Your hair has to go as well. That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won’t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await! Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom – but not for a Bubba!

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You’re used to daily showers. Forget it.

26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!

28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.

29) Sell your condo.

30) Sell all of your furniture.

31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment.

32) Start growing a beer gut. Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!

33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos! And that tux won’t fit over your new beer gut!

35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSETS.

36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. You are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.

37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.

39) Have your name changed legally from "William" or "Andrew" or "Timothy" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

40) Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.