#20!

So who won the debate (I think #20) last night?  Does anybody really care?  Obviously the Republican party doesn't.  The formerly(G)OP is even considering a wildcat candidate and an open convention, since they can't actually get a majority of interest in anyone currently vying for nomination.  What a world.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to reallytick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?

To tank or not?

My neighbor just bought a new Hybrid car, a Prius.  I asked why that was, since her old car wasn't that old.  She said that she is scared about the $5 per gallon gasoline and now she get 50 miles per gallon.  I asked her if she drives the car a lot and she said, basically she uses it for shopping and it never leaves town.  Given that the car costs about $24k; I asked her how long she thought it would be before the investment paid off.  After I explained what I asked, I got a dirty look...  Why is it that $5 per gallon gasoline stirs up so much anxiety in people?  I will be driving my car until it is worn out, and still be ahead of my neighbor's expenditure.  If she had said that she was trying to be "green", then I would have been more understanding, I guess.

I think that it is pretty bad that there is a movement to boycott Saturday Night Live when Lindsay Lohan is the host.  One site even published a list of the ten worst hosts, and she is listed as number ten.  Now I realize that she is a spoiled brat that is drug and alcohol dependent, but aren't we rating her performance before it has occurred. I think we should be fair.  If she does a halfway good job, we should give her credit for it.  If she tanks; she will tank in a big way because it has been predicted.  Given that it has been predicted, why, you ask, has she been even given the honor of being the host ??

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Thibodeaux was sittin in his favorite barroom drinkin wen in comes a fella wit one of dem pit bull dog wit a spike colar. Da man come up to da bar an holler out, "Mah name is Simoneaux an Ah'm reddy to bet anyting dat Ah got me a dog dat will wip any udder dog in da worl.

Thibodeaux say, "Mais, chere, I will bet you one hunred dollars dat you dog can't beat mah german shepherd police dog which is right outside. Simoneaux say, "You got a bet." An dey all went outside where da two dogs growled at each oder a bit an Simoneaux's pit bull grabbed Thibodeaux's german shepherd by da troat an shook him to det. Thibodeaux pay up his bet an say, "Mais gollee, dat's de firs time any dog ever beat mah dog."

Dey go back inside an drink a few more beers, an Simoneaux say, "I will be back tomorrow at dis same time if anybody else wants to try to wip mah pit bull.

A lil wile latter Boudreaux come in to have him a beer… Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, mah frien, a fella's pit bull don killed mah police dog an he say he can kill any dog in da worl." Boudreaux say, "Mais, Thibodeaux, Ahm shore sorry for you dat you lost you bes dog, but dat's not true bout his pit bull bein able to wip any dog in da worl. I bet one tousan dollars his pit bull can't kill mah yella dog." Thibodeaux say, "Simoneaux say he will be here agin tomorrow." Boudreaux say, "Ah.ll be here wit mah yella dog."

Da next day in come Simoneaux wit da same pit bull dog an Boudreaux is waitin' for him. Before Simoneaux can say a word, Boudreaux say, "Ah bet you one tousan dollars dat you pit bull dog can't wip mah yella dog." Simoneaux say, "You got youself a bet." An dey go outsde.

An dere tied to da telefone pole is da ugliest yella dog you never did see. Dat dog take one look at da pit bull dog an wit one lunge he grab dat pit bull dog an bit his head off. Simoneaux say, "Mais, Ah ain't never seen nuttin like dat before. Wat kine of dog is dat an wat's his name?" Boudreaux say, "Ah jus call him "dog" an Ah dunno wat kine of dog he is, but before Ah cut off his tale an paint him yella he was a alligator. 

‘T was the night before Mardi Gras, and all through the burb,
Denizens were in place to see the parades, even lining the curb;
The beads were hung from the floats with care,
In anticipation of the throngs that would soon be there;

The children were nestled all snug in the car,
Dreaming of doubloons tossed from afar;
Mamma in her toga, and me in my mask,
I was all tuckered out from my bead buying task.
When out in the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my perch to see what was the matter.

Away to the neutral ground I flew like flash,
Tripped over the Singleton sign and fell face down in the trash.
The sun was just rising on the St. Charles line
Giving the impression parade day would be fine.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the homeowner in his robe, his shouting so crass
”Hey, you buddy, get the hell off my grass!
The curmudgeoly old man, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he was a tourist, he acted like such a dick,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me some name;
It was obvious to me, he didn’t understand the game.
I looked around before leaving, to see what was the matter
But no I hadn’t forgotten anything, Not even my ladder.
I gathered my things, and got ready to view
The amazing display that would be put on by the Krewe

I was ready as ready, me, Mr. Jimmy Crackcorn
I even had fresh double A’s, to use in my bullhorn.
I had borrowed a kid from some neighbor named Jim
So I could point to the toddler and say, “Hey the throws are for him!”
We worked all night on the “We’re from…” signs
Many places listed, the more exotic the better
After seeing all those, will they guess we’re from Kenner?
Continuing my mental tick list of things, forgetting the old coot,
Yep, I had my umbrella and fishnets, to help catch the loot.
I was stuffed with King cake, the tasty treat screamed “eat us”
I’d eat much more, if the toy didn’t look like a fetus.
The middles are not plain, but now stuffed with a filling
Since McKensies went bankrupt, small bakers made a killing. heard the music, the parade was near
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
Floats so lovely, adorned in things so bold
And trimmed of course in green, purple, and gold.
“I can’t get enough!” I thought, so I recounted them all
“Now, Zulu! now, Rex! Now, Endymion and Proteus!
To the end of St. Charles! to the top of Canal!
Then fade away! fade away! fade away all!”

“Damn I’m thirsty,” I thought, as I took a swig of my booze
“I hope I don’t have to pee before I see all of the Krewes!”
And then he appeared, the King of the Day,
He laughed and he chortled, and got ready to play.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reached in his sack, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, skyward went the throws!
The beads, candy and toys all flew like rain
Me and ma were so drunk, we was feelin’ no pain.
The kids were getting trampled, ordinarily a horror
But not today, cause someone nearby was surely a lawyer!
The crowds were noisy, their hearts were a thumpin’
As they cried in unison, “Hey Mister, throw me sumpin!” 

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knocked unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," Someone answer. "Don you worry a bout nittin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by sep, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high yu are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all day wa to da front of da plane."

"No! No! No!" answer da tower. " What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

" No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. " Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don beleieve dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause-----de silence was deafanin.

"We needs to know whoo you next of kin."

Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ....... but all men...are men!

The Potter Philosophy on Exercising
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per
month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Tooting my own horn
17) Climbing the ladder of success
18) Pulling out the stops
19) Adding fuel to the fire
20) Opening a can of worms
21) Putting my foot in my mouth
22) Starting the ball rolling
23) Going over the edge
24) Picking up the pieces

Happy Exercising!

Yessir, we have no lemons for sale!

You can thank Apple for causing the biggest cell crunch that we've ever seen.  The iPhone and its derivatives (Android) have filled all the spectrum of the airwaves that is dedicated to cell communication.  We have become a society dependent on our smart phones. Meanwhile, the cell phone network companies are reeling in the bucks at unheard of rates.  Soon the smart phone will not be the smart option.  Restricting its use to conserve and distribute bandwidth to all the users will force them to put up with bad or slow services, thereby not utilizing all the capabilities of their smart phones.  Now is the time for a paradigm shift to a newer better technology that can handle the number of users and their datahogs with years of future expansion.  I don't know what that technology is, but it had better hurry up.


If any one of you have read that there are no longer any lemon cars being sold: don't forget about the Toyota's that won't stop, the Volts that catch fire, the cars that degrade their mileage by 50%, et cetera.  Cars ARE better but they are 1000% more complicated, and therefore have much more opportunity for failure.


Have you ever noticed how strange news stories appear when there is a "quiet" day without much to say?  Some of them are pretty arbitrary, such as the one that states that lemon cars are no longer sold.  I think that I would appreciate a day where the newspaper or news website just states, "We don't have any news today, sorry.".  Wouldn't that be just absolutely amazing?

At last a blonde male joke.
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'
And here I am."

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his
wife on his wedding night
Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night
Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night
All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on
his wedding night
Captain replied: Only once sir
General laughed and asked WHY??
Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!!!! 

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

  Realizingthat he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft." 

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver , Colorado , and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now!" 

Terms to know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity. 

What is generation Y?

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

And I always thought it was because they say...

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Wal-Mart announced today that they'll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is strong market demand for cheap wine", said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. "However," she added "Choosing the right names are important for building brand-ability and loyalty."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

•Chateau Traileur Parc
•White Trashfindel
•Peanut Noir
•I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
•Grape Expectations
•Nasti Spumante
•Big Red Gulp
•World Championship Riesling
•NASCARbernet
•Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next year. 

Rolls Royce of Sprinkler Controllers

We all know they are there and we know that finding isn't the REAL problem.  There is a new app for a smart phone that detects potholes and reports them to the gubmint.  The REAL problem is getting them to fix them (and getting someone to pay for that).    It is nice to know, though, that ruining your car's suspension and tires is not enough to alert you to the presence of a pothole.  One must invest in a smart phone to determine their presence!


Saturday I took my sprinkler controller to the local dealer to see if they could help me get it to work again.  Everything I tried had failed.  As usual, the first thing the dealer tried had worked, and it appeared as though I was saved from the $325 replacement cost or the $125 repair cost.  By the time I got home and hooked it up, it was in failure mode once again.  I gave up and decided that I was going to replace it- but not for $325, if I could.  I went down to the local Home Depot and perused the offerings.  I decided to take my chances with a $57 replacement to see if it worked. I was very careful removing it from the carton and installing it, in case I had to repackage it for return.  It worked first time out of the box.  Why would anyone want to buy the $325 brand, when the $57 brand works just as well?  It is not like it is a stereo system or a computer.  How much better could the expensive brand have watered my lawn than the cheaper one ??  Who are they trying to kid, anyway?


The city is complaining about the size of a new Starbucks sign and they want the company to replace it with a smaller one.  Of course, the sign was approved when the company got a permit to put it up.  Why should they change it?  They shouldn't.  When a "Grande" was permitted, they shouldn't have to put up a "Demi"!




Men...What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Consultant Rules If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

New words:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

19. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

20. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

21. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

22. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

23. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.

24. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

25. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.

26. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

27. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

28. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

29. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

30. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

31. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

32. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

33. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

34. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. 

Fill -em up with gravel...

We all know they are there and we know that finding isn't the REAL problem.  There is a new app for a smart phone that detects potholes and reports them to the gubmint.  The REAL problem is getting them to fix them (and getting someone to pay for that).    It is nice to know, though, that ruining your car's suspension and tires is not enough to alert you to the presence of a pothole.  One must invest in a smart phone to determine their presence!

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

... ya gotta love it!

THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL SYMBOL FOR OBAMA
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President. It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

Confucius:

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.

Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot. 

Are we disgusted enough yet ?

Today my son Everett found a gift in his mailbox at the radio station where he is an intern.  They gave him his own (expensive) pair of headphones with his name engraved on them.  This means, of course, that he will soon have his own timeslot on the air!!  Heaven help us.


On another parent financed junket, Tori is off to Florence for the weekend.  I remember it well, the duomo and David- the big D's.  Wish I was there...

Are we disgusted enough yet? How much are we going to let Congress get away with? The first step here is to replace them all.  Do not vote for an incumbant- ever again!

The world's easiest quiz... or is it?
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 Answers to the quiz
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called
Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God's name is Andy

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you think that God's first name was Andy?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give you that one also," said Saint Peter, "but what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.
Saint Peter let him in without another word.  

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them!)
"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said. I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old, to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

Just Another Day

So here we are on Valentine's Day.  According to Wikipedia, Saint Valentine's Day, often simply Valentine's Day is a holiday observed on February 14 honoring one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentinus.  So, you ask, what has this to do with Cupid or greeting cards? The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Chaucer in the Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering candy, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). So what has this to do with modern romance- actually nothing.  The greeting card, flower, and candy consortium (?) has convinced us that we NEED a holiday in February (heretofore uncelebrated in any way except shortness).  The holiday should push a topic close to the hearts of men, and tug at their wallets. Also, the stores did not want to take down Christmas decorations and immediately put up St. Patrick's Day decorations.  This way, the space in the stores did not go empty for a month.  
This is contrived holiday which promotes good feelings between you and your significant other, but isn't that what anniversary celebrations are for ??

So does this day have any political connections?  Probably not, but the cartoon below really says it all....  I think they all have a bit out of them by now...

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.

The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."


Bumper stickers we'd like to see....