Yessir, we have no lemons for sale!

You can thank Apple for causing the biggest cell crunch that we've ever seen.  The iPhone and its derivatives (Android) have filled all the spectrum of the airwaves that is dedicated to cell communication.  We have become a society dependent on our smart phones. Meanwhile, the cell phone network companies are reeling in the bucks at unheard of rates.  Soon the smart phone will not be the smart option.  Restricting its use to conserve and distribute bandwidth to all the users will force them to put up with bad or slow services, thereby not utilizing all the capabilities of their smart phones.  Now is the time for a paradigm shift to a newer better technology that can handle the number of users and their datahogs with years of future expansion.  I don't know what that technology is, but it had better hurry up.


If any one of you have read that there are no longer any lemon cars being sold: don't forget about the Toyota's that won't stop, the Volts that catch fire, the cars that degrade their mileage by 50%, et cetera.  Cars ARE better but they are 1000% more complicated, and therefore have much more opportunity for failure.


Have you ever noticed how strange news stories appear when there is a "quiet" day without much to say?  Some of them are pretty arbitrary, such as the one that states that lemon cars are no longer sold.  I think that I would appreciate a day where the newspaper or news website just states, "We don't have any news today, sorry.".  Wouldn't that be just absolutely amazing?

At last a blonde male joke.
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'
And here I am."

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his
wife on his wedding night
Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night
Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night
All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on
his wedding night
Captain replied: Only once sir
General laughed and asked WHY??
Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!!!! 

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

  Realizingthat he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft." 

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver , Colorado , and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana ."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now!" 

Terms to know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity. 

What is generation Y?

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

And I always thought it was because they say...

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Wal-Mart announced today that they'll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is strong market demand for cheap wine", said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. "However," she added "Choosing the right names are important for building brand-ability and loyalty."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

•Chateau Traileur Parc
•White Trashfindel
•Peanut Noir
•I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
•Grape Expectations
•Nasti Spumante
•Big Red Gulp
•World Championship Riesling
•NASCARbernet
•Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next year. 

Rolls Royce of Sprinkler Controllers

We all know they are there and we know that finding isn't the REAL problem.  There is a new app for a smart phone that detects potholes and reports them to the gubmint.  The REAL problem is getting them to fix them (and getting someone to pay for that).    It is nice to know, though, that ruining your car's suspension and tires is not enough to alert you to the presence of a pothole.  One must invest in a smart phone to determine their presence!


Saturday I took my sprinkler controller to the local dealer to see if they could help me get it to work again.  Everything I tried had failed.  As usual, the first thing the dealer tried had worked, and it appeared as though I was saved from the $325 replacement cost or the $125 repair cost.  By the time I got home and hooked it up, it was in failure mode once again.  I gave up and decided that I was going to replace it- but not for $325, if I could.  I went down to the local Home Depot and perused the offerings.  I decided to take my chances with a $57 replacement to see if it worked. I was very careful removing it from the carton and installing it, in case I had to repackage it for return.  It worked first time out of the box.  Why would anyone want to buy the $325 brand, when the $57 brand works just as well?  It is not like it is a stereo system or a computer.  How much better could the expensive brand have watered my lawn than the cheaper one ??  Who are they trying to kid, anyway?


The city is complaining about the size of a new Starbucks sign and they want the company to replace it with a smaller one.  Of course, the sign was approved when the company got a permit to put it up.  Why should they change it?  They shouldn't.  When a "Grande" was permitted, they shouldn't have to put up a "Demi"!




Men...What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.

How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

Consultant Rules If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

New words:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

19. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

20. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

21. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

22. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

23. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.

24. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

25. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.

26. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

27. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

28. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

29. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

30. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

31. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

32. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

33. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

34. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. 

Fill -em up with gravel...

We all know they are there and we know that finding isn't the REAL problem.  There is a new app for a smart phone that detects potholes and reports them to the gubmint.  The REAL problem is getting them to fix them (and getting someone to pay for that).    It is nice to know, though, that ruining your car's suspension and tires is not enough to alert you to the presence of a pothole.  One must invest in a smart phone to determine their presence!

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

... ya gotta love it!

THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL SYMBOL FOR OBAMA
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President. It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

Confucius:

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.

Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot. 

Are we disgusted enough yet ?

Today my son Everett found a gift in his mailbox at the radio station where he is an intern.  They gave him his own (expensive) pair of headphones with his name engraved on them.  This means, of course, that he will soon have his own timeslot on the air!!  Heaven help us.


On another parent financed junket, Tori is off to Florence for the weekend.  I remember it well, the duomo and David- the big D's.  Wish I was there...

Are we disgusted enough yet? How much are we going to let Congress get away with? The first step here is to replace them all.  Do not vote for an incumbant- ever again!

The world's easiest quiz... or is it?
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 Answers to the quiz
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called
Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God's name is Andy

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you think that God's first name was Andy?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give you that one also," said Saint Peter, "but what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.
Saint Peter let him in without another word.  

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them!)
"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said. I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old, to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

Just Another Day

So here we are on Valentine's Day.  According to Wikipedia, Saint Valentine's Day, often simply Valentine's Day is a holiday observed on February 14 honoring one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentinus.  So, you ask, what has this to do with Cupid or greeting cards? The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Chaucer in the Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering candy, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). So what has this to do with modern romance- actually nothing.  The greeting card, flower, and candy consortium (?) has convinced us that we NEED a holiday in February (heretofore uncelebrated in any way except shortness).  The holiday should push a topic close to the hearts of men, and tug at their wallets. Also, the stores did not want to take down Christmas decorations and immediately put up St. Patrick's Day decorations.  This way, the space in the stores did not go empty for a month.  
This is contrived holiday which promotes good feelings between you and your significant other, but isn't that what anniversary celebrations are for ??

So does this day have any political connections?  Probably not, but the cartoon below really says it all....  I think they all have a bit out of them by now...

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.

The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."


Bumper stickers we'd like to see....

Voters

Why would anyone with half a brain care what Sarah Palin has to say or believe that she could sway an election by what she says? The commotion in the primaries for the formerly(G)OP candidate is such a mess that frontrunners come and go with each primary.  Sometimes I think that the best support that a candidate could get is if Obama would say that he didn't think he could win against that person.  Of course he wouldn't say that, because there isn't (and won't be) a viable competitor. 
I think that the real answer here is that many people that vote are uninformed.  They vote on a whim or arbitrarily because they like the candidate's hair, or don't like the other candidates wife...or some other non-applicable reason.  Unfortunately, their vote counts just the same.

How to be a gracious southern bitch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."

Medical terminology 
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited