Are we disgusted enough yet ?

Today my son Everett found a gift in his mailbox at the radio station where he is an intern.  They gave him his own (expensive) pair of headphones with his name engraved on them.  This means, of course, that he will soon have his own timeslot on the air!!  Heaven help us.


On another parent financed junket, Tori is off to Florence for the weekend.  I remember it well, the duomo and David- the big D's.  Wish I was there...

Are we disgusted enough yet? How much are we going to let Congress get away with? The first step here is to replace them all.  Do not vote for an incumbant- ever again!

The world's easiest quiz... or is it?
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

 Answers to the quiz
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called
Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God's name is Andy

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you think that God's first name was Andy?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give you that one also," said Saint Peter, "but what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.
Saint Peter let him in without another word.  

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them!)
"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said. I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old, to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

Just Another Day

So here we are on Valentine's Day.  According to Wikipedia, Saint Valentine's Day, often simply Valentine's Day is a holiday observed on February 14 honoring one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentinus.  So, you ask, what has this to do with Cupid or greeting cards? The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Chaucer in the Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering candy, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). So what has this to do with modern romance- actually nothing.  The greeting card, flower, and candy consortium (?) has convinced us that we NEED a holiday in February (heretofore uncelebrated in any way except shortness).  The holiday should push a topic close to the hearts of men, and tug at their wallets. Also, the stores did not want to take down Christmas decorations and immediately put up St. Patrick's Day decorations.  This way, the space in the stores did not go empty for a month.  
This is contrived holiday which promotes good feelings between you and your significant other, but isn't that what anniversary celebrations are for ??

So does this day have any political connections?  Probably not, but the cartoon below really says it all....  I think they all have a bit out of them by now...

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.

The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."


Bumper stickers we'd like to see....

Voters

Why would anyone with half a brain care what Sarah Palin has to say or believe that she could sway an election by what she says? The commotion in the primaries for the formerly(G)OP candidate is such a mess that frontrunners come and go with each primary.  Sometimes I think that the best support that a candidate could get is if Obama would say that he didn't think he could win against that person.  Of course he wouldn't say that, because there isn't (and won't be) a viable competitor. 
I think that the real answer here is that many people that vote are uninformed.  They vote on a whim or arbitrarily because they like the candidate's hair, or don't like the other candidates wife...or some other non-applicable reason.  Unfortunately, their vote counts just the same.

How to be a gracious southern bitch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding."

Medical terminology 
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

As usual, the people that have to use software don't get the opportunity to shape what they use.  Of course we would want all software to be intuitive so that a manual is not needed, but one would expect a website to display what information one wants.  My daughter flew today from Rome to Milan.  I decided to check on her flight from the EasyJet website and that was a mistake.  All that I could tell was that the arrival time was progressively getting later.  I could not tell that the plane had not departed yet, and was an hour and a half late getting off.  This is worry some.  I really don't expect them to put down the reason for the lateness, but it sure would have been nice to know that the plane was still on the ground and not circling somewhere.  
When I went to the Milan airport site, I actually got a graphic of a plane over a Google map showing exactly where is was and also as it progressively got closer to Milan airport.  Why isn't this a generalized app that every site can tap into, instead of producing websites that are worthless, that philosophy would make them all as capable.  This is probably why the very small apps on smart phones are so popular, because you only REALLY need the app to do one thing, do it well, and be done.  So dividing up the tasks in such a way that you always have the best apps doing the best job for you that they can, means that you don't have to deal with crappy websites and their lack of capabilities.

The Light turned yellow
 The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

One farmer asks another, "What would you do, if you won a million dollars?" The other farmer thinks for a moment, then says, "I guess keep farming until the money runs out."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster.After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and decided to take the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early.

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

Ebonics?
Tyrone is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose.
If I pay alimony today, I'll have no money forclose.

2. Rectum.
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment.
Da gonna send me backtada joint if I miss disappointment.

5. Penis
doctor gave me a cup and said "penis"!!!!!

6. Israel
Alonza try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the appartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle Iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan to be stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"

14. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey see the tits on the ho!"

15. Axe
The policeman want to axe me some questions.

16. Fortify
I axed this ho, "how much?" she say "fortify."

17. Income
I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

LOL.....

Ridiculousness Aside...

I certainly can say that I'm surprised that Santorum (don't look up the meaning of his name on Wikipedia...) has managed to win the last three states in the race(?) for the nomination.  Does this mean that he is doing a better job than Mr. Milquetoast (Uncle Mitt) ?  Probably.  Mitt is not pushing hard enough, riding on his past wins.  This only goes to show that there is no rest for a "serious candidate".  All of Mitt's monies may not buy the candidacy, in spite of the fact that he is the ONLY GOP candidate that is electable.  Hopefully, his campaign takes these losses as a wake-up call.  Santorum doesn't stand a chance against Obama, even with the not-Obama votes.

I remember the Pet Rock.  It was an unqualified, but unexplainable success.  Can it be done again ?  Now I see a toothbrush that sings Bieber tunes and a bacon tuxedo.  Are they silly enough to make any money?  Are we doomed to invest in nonsensical crap rather than actual usable and sensible products?  Is American ingenuity being wasted on crap?




Isn't it amazing that the whole LAUSD fiasco is happening.  As the story unfolds, it is beyond belief that they sat on the evidence for over eighteen years, while countless molestations took place, without doing ANYTHING that might cause a lawsuit.  Now they have arrested a second teacher and a third is implicated.  I feel for the kids and their parents.  Nothing has been said yet about the liability of the school district personnel.  They should all be fired, and then sued.  Criminal charges should also be made agains those "in charge".

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Valentine Poems

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. 

Life is all about ASS!

You're either married to an ASS, divorced from an ASS or trying to forget an ASS. You're either working your ASS off, sweating your ASS off, laughing your ASS off, kicking ASS, kissing ASS, spanking ASS, hauling ASS, wiping ASS, busting ASS, trying to get a piece of ASS! Or, you ARE an ASS. 

The Magic Green Hat
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.


At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!  

Rejected State Mottos

Alabama
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

Alaska
Come, freeze your butt off

Arizona
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

Arkansas
At least we're not Mississippi

California
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

Colorado
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

Connecticut
Way too close to New York

Delaware
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

Florida
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

Georgia
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

Hawaii
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Seleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

Idaho
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

Illinois
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana
Home of David Letterman

Iowa
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

Kansas
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

Kentucky
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville 

Louisiana
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you

Maine
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

Maryland
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

Massachusetts
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

Michigan
Land of the free, home of the Buick

Minnesota
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

Mississippi
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

Missouri
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

Nebraska
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

Nevada
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

New Jersey
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

New Mexico
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

New York
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

North Carolina
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota

Ohio
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell  

Oklahoma
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

Oregon
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

Pennsylvania
Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change

Rhode Island
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina
Just south of North Carolina

South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

Texas
Si Hablo Ingles
See, everything is bigger in Texas!

Utah
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

Vermont
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

Virginia
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

Washington
We like our state, so STAY OUT!

West Virginia
Where "family values" has a different meaning

Wisconsin
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

Wyoming
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared