As usual, the people that have to use software don't get the opportunity to shape what they use.  Of course we would want all software to be intuitive so that a manual is not needed, but one would expect a website to display what information one wants.  My daughter flew today from Rome to Milan.  I decided to check on her flight from the EasyJet website and that was a mistake.  All that I could tell was that the arrival time was progressively getting later.  I could not tell that the plane had not departed yet, and was an hour and a half late getting off.  This is worry some.  I really don't expect them to put down the reason for the lateness, but it sure would have been nice to know that the plane was still on the ground and not circling somewhere.  
When I went to the Milan airport site, I actually got a graphic of a plane over a Google map showing exactly where is was and also as it progressively got closer to Milan airport.  Why isn't this a generalized app that every site can tap into, instead of producing websites that are worthless, that philosophy would make them all as capable.  This is probably why the very small apps on smart phones are so popular, because you only REALLY need the app to do one thing, do it well, and be done.  So dividing up the tasks in such a way that you always have the best apps doing the best job for you that they can, means that you don't have to deal with crappy websites and their lack of capabilities.

The Light turned yellow
 The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

One farmer asks another, "What would you do, if you won a million dollars?" The other farmer thinks for a moment, then says, "I guess keep farming until the money runs out."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel.The ride completed and she seemed rather bored.

"What do you wanna do now?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster.After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy.

"What else she would like to do?" he asked her.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and decided to take the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early.

"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Absowutewy wousy," said the girl.

Ebonics?
Tyrone is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose.
If I pay alimony today, I'll have no money forclose.

2. Rectum.
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment.
Da gonna send me backtada joint if I miss disappointment.

5. Penis
doctor gave me a cup and said "penis"!!!!!

6. Israel
Alonza try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the appartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle Iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan to be stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"

14. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey see the tits on the ho!"

15. Axe
The policeman want to axe me some questions.

16. Fortify
I axed this ho, "how much?" she say "fortify."

17. Income
I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

LOL.....

Ridiculousness Aside...

I certainly can say that I'm surprised that Santorum (don't look up the meaning of his name on Wikipedia...) has managed to win the last three states in the race(?) for the nomination.  Does this mean that he is doing a better job than Mr. Milquetoast (Uncle Mitt) ?  Probably.  Mitt is not pushing hard enough, riding on his past wins.  This only goes to show that there is no rest for a "serious candidate".  All of Mitt's monies may not buy the candidacy, in spite of the fact that he is the ONLY GOP candidate that is electable.  Hopefully, his campaign takes these losses as a wake-up call.  Santorum doesn't stand a chance against Obama, even with the not-Obama votes.

I remember the Pet Rock.  It was an unqualified, but unexplainable success.  Can it be done again ?  Now I see a toothbrush that sings Bieber tunes and a bacon tuxedo.  Are they silly enough to make any money?  Are we doomed to invest in nonsensical crap rather than actual usable and sensible products?  Is American ingenuity being wasted on crap?




Isn't it amazing that the whole LAUSD fiasco is happening.  As the story unfolds, it is beyond belief that they sat on the evidence for over eighteen years, while countless molestations took place, without doing ANYTHING that might cause a lawsuit.  Now they have arrested a second teacher and a third is implicated.  I feel for the kids and their parents.  Nothing has been said yet about the liability of the school district personnel.  They should all be fired, and then sued.  Criminal charges should also be made agains those "in charge".

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Valentine Poems

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. 

Life is all about ASS!

You're either married to an ASS, divorced from an ASS or trying to forget an ASS. You're either working your ASS off, sweating your ASS off, laughing your ASS off, kicking ASS, kissing ASS, spanking ASS, hauling ASS, wiping ASS, busting ASS, trying to get a piece of ASS! Or, you ARE an ASS. 

The Magic Green Hat
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.


At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!  

Rejected State Mottos

Alabama
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?

Alaska
Come, freeze your butt off

Arizona
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

Arkansas
At least we're not Mississippi

California
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state

Colorado
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny

Connecticut
Way too close to New York

Delaware
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it

Florida
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US

Georgia
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome

Hawaii
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Seleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed

Idaho
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"

Illinois
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana
Home of David Letterman

Iowa
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell

Kansas
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat

Kentucky
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville 

Louisiana
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you

Maine
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

Maryland
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

Massachusetts
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...

Michigan
Land of the free, home of the Buick

Minnesota
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada

Mississippi
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?

Missouri
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.

Nebraska
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north

Nevada
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site

New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont

New Jersey
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya

New Mexico
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

New York
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes

North Carolina
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina

North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota

Ohio
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell  

Oklahoma
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

Oregon
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here

Pennsylvania
Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change

Rhode Island
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina
Just south of North Carolina

South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper

Texas
Si Hablo Ingles
See, everything is bigger in Texas!

Utah
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

Vermont
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns

Virginia
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!

Washington
We like our state, so STAY OUT!

West Virginia
Where "family values" has a different meaning

Wisconsin
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"

Wyoming
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared  
 

Can't Even Buy Service

I guess I picked a bad time to go to the market.  I was there today (Super Bowl Sunday)at about 1:00 and the place was mobbed.  I decided to get in the line to do self checkout.  I was almost done, when a woman was standing in behind me and piling her groceries on the shelf next to the the scale at the self checkout.  This is precariously close to the card swiper (where I would enter my pin).  I asked her nicely to step back and give me my privacy to complete my purchase, but she didn't move.  I then told her that I WAS NOT proceeding until she stepped back.  Very loudly, she called me rude and left to another checkout station. I proceeded, and then a man showed up and did the same thing.  I asked him nicely to wait in the appropriate place while I completed my purchase in private.  He said that I was rude and was I having a bad day?  
What is the story behind the lack of respect that one gets anymore?  People have to realize that they reap what they sow.  I am not looking to enter my PIN with someone looking over my shoulder.  I was having issues with the machine that repeatedly took my PIN digits doubled.  After three times, I managed to get it to work.  Then I proceeded to rem out the attendant's performance at traffic control.  My station was just adjacent to her location and she heard everything and saw that I was having problem, but chose to stay out of it- even though it is her job.  No matter WHERE you go, you cannot BUY the service that we have all come to expect for free!  Our society has become selfish and self serving.  Maybe I'm an old curmudgeon (I think not), but I think ANY customer DESERVES better!  On second thought, it would have been better to abandon my cart and just leave to go to a less crowded store.

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty
minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk, smelling of alcohol, sat down on the subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks...
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand...
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big knockers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

First Snow in Rome in 1985...

Good words from Tori in Rome:  She is having a fantastic time, except for the cold.  She is getting to visit so many places that either a tourist wouldn't know to got, or couldn't find.  She finally capitulated by buying some rubber boots, even though they are NOT stylish- it is better than wet feet that get very cold.  She looked so happy when it snowed...

I want to express my appreciation to Zuck and Fleecebook for making the market close higher and making me a lot of money.  Unfortunately, the market will take it back in the next trading day, but is was a nice gesture on his way to becoming a billionaire. 


Sorry I haven't been keeping up with much of the news as I've been too busy.  Obviously there is a similar issue in the L.A. Unified School District.  These officials must live under rocks and how do they manage to keep their jobs while there a pedifile predators disguised as teachers operating for almost two decades without even a hand slap.  I understand that they were concerned with lawsuits from the accused and therefore put the children's welfare way behind the financial risk.  Now, their problems are much worse, as they will certainly be sued by the victims, their parents, et cetera - AND hopefully lose their jobs AND hopefully spend some time in jail!!!

The Cure
Two housewives were drinking coffee.

Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?"

Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"

Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"





The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious
problem."

71 percent of respondents answered: "No es una problema
seriosa."

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in the big city......

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

The French
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

General George S. Patton
------------------------------

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

Norman Schwarzkopf
------------------------------

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

Marge Simpson
------------------------------

"As far as I"m concerned, war always means failure."

Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

Regis Philbin
---------------------------

"The last time the French asked for"more proof" it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

David Letterman
------------------------------

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."

Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like ... World War II."

Unknown
-----------------

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

Dennis Miller
------------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

Alan Kent
-----------------------------

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It"s not known, it"s never been tried."

Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that"s because it was raining."

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

Zuck or Not?

Is this true?  Is Zuck REALLY facing reality ?   Does he have enough private money to buy out investors or hopeful employees and keep the company private (so he can continue to do whatever he wants) ?  I'm sure that he hopes to make EVEN MORE by going public.  Once he is the CEO of a public company, he WILL have the stockholder to behold to, which is certainly not his style.  This may be the beginning of the end, the "social network" bubble pop....

Jewish Proverbs, Most Direct Quotes
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks .
Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
Immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein 

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed  her a study in that morning's newspaper which indicate
that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that the reason women use twice as many words as men is because they have to repeat everything they say.

He looked up from his paper and said, "What?"

Fleecbook is at It Again, but on a Brobdinagian Scale

I've been harping a lot lately about how lobbying should be outlawed, as well as company contributions to candidates (i.e. bribes for later favors).  Have you wondered why none of the people responsible for the failing of Wall Street have never been prosecuted? Check out this article.

Give me a break, people.  We have discussed about the next bubble and what will happen when it bursts.  How can Fleecebook be worth so much?  It is all artificial and will be the straw that breaks the camel's back....

Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.




Kids Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?

A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective;

1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12.The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Destressing....

Laying back and licking my stress and anxiety wounds, as we are doing this weekend, is not what the formerly(G)OP candidates should be doing, as the reported poll results are worse for ups and downs than the stock market.  I HONESTLY don't think any of the candidates are going to win, but STILL I believe that Romney is the only one that is electable.  Given his waffling on many issues, it is difficult to believe that he is ready. 


More on my daughter's adventure in Rome: She says that her room (in the former convent) is about 5x5, with a single bed and her own bathroom.  The bathroom is too small to comb her hair in.  The whole bathroom is also her shower, running through a drain in the center of the bathroom floor.  She has to wedge herself between toilet and sink to access the shower head, and barely has enough room to turn around.  It is SAFE to say that EVERYTHING in the bathroom gets wet when she showers.  Funny!  Also, it goes without saying, that there are no electric outlets in the bathroom.  This makes getting ready INTERESTING.  I can honestly understand NOW why European women have the reputation for not shaving often, if at all.

They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied -

"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Dog Letters To God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but
not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding
around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have
its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle
the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever
hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets
thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back? 

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

· He called everyone "brother"

· He liked Gospel

· He couldn't get a fair trial.


But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish

· He went into His Father's business.

· He lived at home until he was 33.

· He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.


But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

· He talked with his hands.

· He had wine with every meal.

· He used olive oil.


But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

· He never cut his hair.

· He walked around barefoot all the time.

· He started a new religion.


But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

· He never got married.

· He was always telling stories.

· He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

· He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food.

· He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

· Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. 

Fruition After Much Pain...

Note that there have not been any entries this week, as the anxiety and stress level at my house has been way in the red zone....


Without yet getting into the details that got us to that point, let me just say that I visited Disneyland for the first time in twelve years as a belated birthday gift to my daughter; I spent four hours in traffic court supporting my son, helped to get my daughter off to her semester abroad in Rome [this morning at 4:30 a.m.] and my hot water heater went out last evening.  These things would cause us all to cry (if we were allowed), but they had to be dealt with, as only Disneyland was a choice.  The others; well let me say that there are many of Murphy's Laws being enforced here- none of which has caused us to win the Lottery - or even feel that we are getting an even break!


Now for the details:
We drove down to Anaheim, in record time of ninety minutes, down Interstate 5 last Saturday to spend the night in a motel adjacent to Disneyland.  I like to be present when they open the doors at the park.  Previously, we left our car at the motel and walked across the street to catch the shuttle to the ticket counters. Much has changed.  The motel now charges eight dollars a day to park.  That wasn't so bad, but if it is parked before three p.m. and stays parked after 3 p.m., then it is $24.  If it is parked after 3 p.m., then the $8 dollar price is used.  The park charges $15 to park, so we opted for that.
Previously, I entered off Harbor Boulevard into a large parking lot.  Much has changed.  That parking lot is now the California Adventure Park. So we opted to enter (with the car) on Disneyland Drive which allowed us to pass Downtown Disney (more about that later) on our way to the largest free-standing parking garage in the west that is not associated with a mall.  We parked and took the escalator down to a lower level where we caught the shuttle to the ticket counters. 

Now, these shuttles are new also, and about a block long.  The truck is a single seat, with a large compressed natural gas v-8 behind it.  It seems to pull a full train with ease, as it snakes around other vehicles and turns corners with ease.


At the ticket counter, we met Brett, our oldest, who works for Disney Studios and has a "Cast member" ID which gets us all in for free, 20% off food, and 35% off purchases.  That all sounds great until you look at how much ticket prices have gone up to.  Our tickets were $99 each, which would have been $398 to enter the park, plus the $15 to park.  Perhaps Disney is making some money on this, or maybe not.  Much has changed.  Disneyland used to be where you could drop off your kids for an all day treat (for parents too), but it is too expensive for that now.  There are no gangs entering the park.  There are strict dress codes and they make you go through a metal detector and a pat down, as well as inspecting your bags.  No gang members can afford the price or the recognition if they are caught with something they shouldn't have. Score one for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the park is much different, and yet strangely the same. Pirates of the Carri bean now has tributes to Captain Jack Sparrow. Toontown sucks, as there isn't anything worthwhile there anymore.  Small World was decorated for Christmas, and they were playing Jingle Bells in many languages, so I did not get an injection of "It's a Small World", that resurfaces like a rash for weeks on end! Many of the other rides were also upgraded and enjoyable as none of them had lines more than ten minutes long.  It was a cold and overcast day, too soon after the Christmas and Property Tax dates to warrant a large crowd.
Soon, we decided to jump to the other park, California Adventure.  We discovered that they are rebuilding about two thirds of that park because the demand was so low.  What was open, though, was very interesting.  The kids went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror ride and the Screamin' roller coaster (maglev driven) and loved them.   We all went on Soarin' over California and it was great.  The 4D show at the Bug's Life area is also not to be missed- very worthwhile, at least once.  All in all the parks were fun, especially when free. 
Not to be outdone, Disney also added Downtown Disney.  This is a copy of Knott's and Universal, as they have both had shopping areas outside their parks for years.  Here is where you can find many chain restaurants such as PF Chang's and Rainforest Cafe, as well as many stores that are accessible without going into the park.  A great idea, but still too far to walk from your local motel- so that means $15 to park...


Traffic court was not fun, especially for four hours.  With the fine and conditions, my son now has had his eye opener and perhaps he will be more respectful to his PRIVILEGE to drive.


Well, we finally got to the day that Tori leaves.  This, of course, after sweating the Taxi driver and truck driver strike in Rome.  The school decided to provide a bus.  Enough said there. That morning, we couldn't get her suitcase closed, so I began pulling stuff out, and put a strap on the outside.  We got it closed, but even on my bathroom scale, it was overweight.  At my wife's insistence, Tori couldn't handle three suitcases at the airport, so we were stuck with two- a carry on and a large check-in.  We got up at 3:30 a.m. to get to the airport by 4:30 for a 5:30 flight.  I had figured that there would be an extra charge because of the over weight, but we wouldn't have to pay for the second one. At the check-in counter, the suitcase weighed 75 pounds.  The fee for an INTERNATIONAL flight was $400, and could have been as high as $1200.  What choice did we have at that point?  I paid the fee and Tori made it to her room at the convent in Rome by about eleven p.m., or 8:00 in the morning Friday in Rome.

The Convent Tori is Staying In

We received a phone call from Newark airport and an email from Rome that she arrived safely and her room is about 5x5 (I'm sure that that is an exaggeration), but she said that her bathroom was almost too small to turn around in.  The shower is not enclosed, but open to the rest of the bathroom, with a drain on the shower floor.  What a deal!


As for the hot water heater; it was only a bad thermocouple which amounted to a $65 visit from an HONEST plumber.  What was REALLY unfortunate is that Tori's last shower at home was ICE COLD!


Nuff said... we are looking forward to basking in the Santa Barbara sunshine and taking the couch for a drive this weekend, while we lick our wounds and feed them beer.

"USA Today reports today that in France they are having trouble translating the Internet terms into French. Apparently, there are no French words for 'surfing the net' or 'chat session' or 'hacker.' Of course there are a lot of other word that don't translate into French. 'Military victory,' 'deodorant,' 'please and thank you.'"

- Jay Leno

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Senior Citizen Sayings

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... Absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .

I'm wondering... If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom. 

Phrases

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Words that should Exist

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

A Monetary Incentive is What It Takes

This is wonderful.  A monetary incentive not to use your cell phone when it would be rude.  Everyone at a table in a restaurant stacks their cell phone in the center of the table, face down.  If anyone reaches for it during the meal, they pay the whole bill!

Another Bat Chain Puller drops out.  Rick Perry made the announcement that he has given up pursuit of the nomination.  This is certainly a predictable bit of news.... Seems like the formerly(G)OP is making one big circle... I maintain that Milquetoasty Mitt is the only one that is electable...

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch.

"What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks.

"'Here, boy,'" he replies.  

Hark!

Stop the Merry-go-round, I want to get off...

Another Bat Chain Puller falls to the wayside as John Huntsman suspends his campaign.  The focus will get sharper with less potentials going for that nomination.  Perhaps "Milquetoasty" Mitt will become more sharpened and committed to what he says- NOT!


I am REALLY surprised that the sophistication of GPS may not have been available on the cruise ship that is sinking off the coast of Italy.  It seems that it would almost be impossible to run a ship aground given that  you know exactly where the ship is and have maps that show latitude and longitude of hazards.  I noticed that there has been no mention of the instrumentation that was available to the captain of that ship, and whether it was working correctly.  There is no excuse for his actions after going aground, but the actual accident may not be his fault.  We seem way to anxious to put the blame on him, even though he certainly deserves the major amount of it.


The world is moving way too fast.  The simple life has all but disappeared.  High technologies have only made it worse and there is no slowing down or stopping in sight.  How much of the "progress" can be attributed to greed?

 
How far away is the Singularity? Now they are making a movie about it.  Certainly it is too far gone to turn back, but exactly how far away is it ?

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

· BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

· SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

· CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount,
leaving the top brass with clean hands.

· CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

· MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

· PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

· SITCOMs
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

· STARTER MARRIAGE
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,
no property and no regrets.

· STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

· SWIPED OUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

· TOURISTS
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were just tourists."

· TREEWARE
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

· XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

· CHIPS & SALSA
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure
out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

· PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to
get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

· SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

· CLM
(Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-
advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

· ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

· DILBERTED
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

· 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and
going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as
he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the
story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He
describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on
the seat, and...

"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Kids Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Bi-Curious George"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"