Christmas is About Giving (and Volunteering)

The weekend went by in a blur- a fast blur, and here it is Tuesday already....  Friday night was SHOPPING.  Saturday was traipse down to Eagle Rock and move my daughter out of her dorm and SHOP on the way down.  Then on the way back were more stops to SHOP.  Between the traffic, the rude and hurried drivers, and the anxiety of purchasing what you want for the best price is very taxing.  Worse than that is when you have absolutely NO IDEA what to buy.
I attacked this head-on by making something this year.  Since I have been home since early in December burning vacation that cannot be carried over.  I have to admit, it was gratifying.
Also, my wife and I make Holiday Bags (filled with grooming necessities) for all the men and women that are at Transition House during the holidays.  Hopefully, the contents of the bags will help to spruce up some homeless.
This year, we also volunteered to man pledge phones for Unity Shoppe Charities Telethon.  We were there for over two hours, but not at the "prime time".  I only received one credit card pledge, but it was for $5000.  It made me feel good to take their money and put it into use feeding the less fortunate.

Grandma changed 
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Nothing Says Christmas Like A Picture With Santa and His Machineguns!

I have had it up to here (my chin) with all the crap about not calling Christmas what it is.  Holiday this or End-of-year celebration or anything that doesn't make only one group happy.  If we weren't going to make at least one group happy, then the Scottsdale Gun Club wouldn't be advertizing that you can get your Holiday picture with Santa and his machine guns.  Shouldn't that be "Christmas" picture?  Obviously, it wouldn't be referring to Kwanzaa or Chanukah which don't have anything to do with Santa, so who are we trying to kid anyway? We go through so much trouble and expense to be Politically Correct- but is it REALLY correct for us?  Do the non Christians REALLY get offended by Christmas and all that goes with it?  Or is it a problem that we invented and really doesn't exist?  I see Menorahs and Stars of David, but they don't offend me.  That is called TOLERANCE.  Say it out loud to yourselves.  It means we should TOLERATE other beliefs- not change ours to suit.  This country is too reactive and too litigious. I'm not sure I agree with the picture above, but I don't HAVE TO AGREE.  Let them do what they want, as long as it doesn't affect me or mine.

The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English what's wrong
with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a
plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I
can tell my wife!"

'Twas the day after Christmas

and all through the house
Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.

Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
An incredible mess that I did abhor.

With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans,
We waded in to get the place clean.

When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
I sprang to the Security-View to check out the matter.

The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.

But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.

The door flew open and in they came,
Stern-looking men with bills in my name.

On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
On Mastercard too, I sadly confess,
Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth,
Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.

The black-suited men, so somber, so strict,
I wondered why me that they had first picked.

They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
That said "Buddy, when are you for paying for this?"

I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.

"As you can see," I said with a smile,
"It's bankruptcy that I'll have to file!"
And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.

The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.

Without another word they turned and walked out,
Got into their limos, but one gave a shout:
"You may think that's the answer to all of your fears,
But it's nothing you'll charge for at least seven years! 

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot

The Amazon Invasion Machine- Worse Than Microsoft!

Illustration by Rumors

I hadn't heard about it but I guess when you are desperate, desperate measures are called for. Amazon offered 5% off on items bought from them if they would price the item at three different brick-and-mortar stores and send them the information, or $15 off if they walk out of a bookstore and buy from them.  If this RUDE and UNDERHANDED practice continues, the brick-and-mortar store will only be "showrooms" until they fold.  Competition will cease to exist and everyone will ONLY be able to buy from Amazon.  I can't say that online pricing and no sales tax has never caught my attention and my purchase, but at least half of the buying has to be from brick-and-mortar stores, or our society as we know it AND our towns will cease to exist.  We will have nothing but fast-food places, gas stations, bars, and convenience stores.  Everything else will be purchased by "smart" phone over the internet.

Here is a poem written by a bookstore owner:

How Amazon Stole Christmas

Adapted from by Mike Olson, co-owner of Reading Frenzy BookShop, Zimmerman, MN

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot …
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did NOT!
The Grinch HATED Christmas! The whole Christmas season
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been he was not ever read to at all.

But whatever the reason, his childhood or shoes
He stood there on Christmas Eve HATING the Whos,
Staring down from his warehouse with sour Grinchy chops
At the warm lighted windows below in their shops

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath (which, incidentally, had been purchased at their local garden center).
“And they’re hanging up stockings they didn’t buy from ME!”
“Christmas is coming! They MUST buy from ME!”

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”

For tomorrow he knew all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early and they’d rush for their toys
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! Unless they clicked “Buy now” to purchase their toys

Then the Whos young and old would sit down to a feast
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
They would feast on who-pudding and rare who-roast-cow
Which was something the Grinch hadn’t considered selling until now!

And then they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
would stand close together with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand in hand. And the Who’s would start singing!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
the more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

Why for 17 years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop their Christmas from coming! … But How?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick tax-exempt online retail monopoly with books-as-a-loss-leader and electronics and coats.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
With these coats and these books, I look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a storefront …” The Grinch looked around.
But since storefronts weren’t his, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch … ? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I don’t have a storefront, I’ll use theirs instead!”

So he made an app, Price Check. Then he took some red thread
And he tied two big horns to the top of his head.

Then he marketed Price Check as the way you should buy
“It’s cheaper and easier and convenient!” The lie.
“Why pay overhead costs and state taxes to them?
I have none. Buy from me. It’s the smart way to spend.”

And with Price Check in hand, the Grinch started down.
Towards the homes where the Whos lay a-snooze in their town.
The shop windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweat dreams without care.
When he came to the first little shop on the square.

“This is stop number one,” The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he peered through the window, his app in his fist.
Then he squeezed through the keyhole, a rather tight pinch.
But if the devil could do it, then so can the Grinch!

“A bookstore,” he chuckled. “This’ll be a quick night
They won’t see it coming. Why would they? I’m right!”
He looked at “our favorites” and even “staff picks”
Why these do sound like good ones! I’ll add those to my “Wish list”!

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant
And he placed his app, Price Check, beside every present
Mysteries! Fiction! Romances! Manga!
Even puzzles and games like Story Cubes and Jenga.

When the Grinch was all finished undermining the store
The Grinch very nimbly crept back to the door.
By the time he was done, he had quite a long list
Of the things he would add to that warehouse of HIS

The bookstore was quiet again, just like before
But now his app, Price Check, was inside their door.
When he dropped to the sidewalk from the keyhole above
He heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast and he saw a small Who.
The keeper of the bookstore he had just slithered through.
The Grinch had been caught by this Who bookstore owner
Who’d come back to town. He had sales to go over.

He stared at the Grinch and said, “Amazon, why? Why are you taking my business? Why?”
But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!

“Why my sweet little man,” The fake Santy Claus lied
“I’m not harming, I’m helping! Driving customers inside!”
“They’ll come to your store to do some good dealing.
If they buy from me, why, that isn’t stealing.”

And his fib fooled the man. Then he patted his head.
He got his sales numbers and went back to bed.
And when that little merchant went to bed with his numbers.
The Grinch gave a wink, said “Goodbye!” and “Good Slumber!”

And the last things he took were the signs from the door.
“This store’s now my showroom,” said the Grinch. “I want more!”
Then he did the same thing to the other Who-storefronts
Turning their shops into fully staffed Amazon-storefronts.

It was quarter past dawn… all the Whos at their houses.
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he filled his warehouses

He stocked with their presents! Their ribbons! Their wrappings!
Their tags! And their tinsel! Their trimmings! And their trappings!
He went home to his mansion outside of Seattle
With the products and prices to start this new battle.

“Pooh-pooh to the whos!” he was Grinchishly humming.
They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They’re just waking up. I know just what they’ll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put a Hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow …

But this sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it was merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
was SHOPPING! Without any Price Check at all!

He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming. It came.
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, “How could it be so?”

“It came without Price Check’s new orders galore.”
“It came without any more sales from their store.”
He puzzled three hours till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe shopping,” he thought, “does come from a store.”
Maybe storefronts … perhaps … mean a little bit more!”

And what happened then … ?
Well, in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight.
He disabled Price Check and stopped the whole fight.
He gave back the neighborhoods, friendships and commerce.
And he … he HIMSELF! The Grinch Read No Monster Here!, by Colleen Thomas, illustrated by Alyssa Thomas, to a group of pre-schoolers at a real live author signing at Reading Frenzy BookShop in Zimmerman, Minnesota. 

How awful to see your livelihood erode in front of your and you are POWERLESS against the Amazon invasion machine!

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!)

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

"We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing
education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got
smart bombs and stupid children.
- Jon Stewart