Technology Smarts...

Don't get me wrong: I love technology.  It has to be IN ITS PLACE though.  I do not agree that kids should not be taught cursive alphabets or handwriting because it is claimed that it is outmoded.  This is an important skill to coordinate one's eyes with their hands- at an early age. I do not believe that we should not learn how to parallel park our cars because they have the technology to do it themselves.  This would be tantamount to an airline pilot not learned how to land his plane because the autopilot will do the landing automatically. I do believe that we should not abandon the skill of personal interaction over using a social interaction utility program on your computer (i.e. Fleecebook).  All of the skills that we learn make us better people, with better understanding and tolerance.  Putting all of our eggs into one basket it not wise.  We should learn how to do the task without technology's tools before we depend ONLY on them being available and correctly functioning.  Don't cut yourself short.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head.

"The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight," she announces to the room.

An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an elephant."

Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!"

Ultra-Dumb...
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. 

Thanks Nancy...

We might find ourselves obliged to Nancy Pelosi (may be a first time) if she manages to derail Nasty Newt from is campaign for candidacy.  Obviously, she has the knowledge to bring him down.  Will she use it OR does she want something ?

The most important question that you want to ask yourself is, "Do I want a BLATANT crook for President, or would I be satisfied with a person that APPEARS honest?"

THE LAWS
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Ode to cranky men
I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

Smart? I don't think so...

As I searched for a new phone (first as a Christmas present for my son), knowing what I do about "smart" phone, I was NOT surprised at how few there were available that were NOT smart [phones]. They were probably a batch of left-over last (or older) generation pre-Android phones.  They didn't even work well to make calls BEFORE the amazing drain on resources that Android and iPhones have made.  What a quandary this is. How do you get a "decent" phone without being spied upon and SOLD OUT by the cell phone carriers?  More will come when I figure this out.  Perhaps it is wiser to drop out of the "connected" set and get back my freedom from interruption and distraction.

It always amazes me how skillfully power corrupts.  Candidates for the nomination for the highest office in the land think that buried skeletons don't leave detectable traces that will blow up in their faces on the news are as naive as they can get.  History has shown that most doesn't get past the scrutiny of those that wish to find.  Cain is corrupt and a liar.  No matter of the amount of good ideas he had- CHARACTER DOES COUNT! This certainly isn't smart...

Soon we find out the same thing about Big Newt.  There is no way that he can hide from all of his past transgressions, well enough, for those that want to find a way to bury his candidacy, but he wastes our time based on his TEFLONISH attitude- "...they won't find out and they won't care if they do, 'cause I'm the best man for the job!".  This isn't smart either.

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Female Stages of Life

AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

Male Stages of Life

AGE DRINK
17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17 

Texas A&M

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.

Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

Warnings Keep Coming...

I won't say that I warned you about smart phones and who they are REALLY smart for.  I won't say that I don't trust the cell carriers.  I won't say that you have had your privacy sold to the highest bidder.  I won't say that all that capability has come with a giant price.  I won't say that you have eroded your identity by allowing yourself to be spied on.  I won't say that direct and focused marketing sales are the biggest profit maker that exists today.  One only has to look at the cell phone carriers' profit margins and the artificially inflated values of Fleecebook, Google....  So once again, to confirm my tutelage and naysayer soap-boxing, the phone marketers are currently in a privacy debacle(at least #2) with the gubmint, however ineffectual that they are- at least they are getting more (ignored) publicity!

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"

Funny Christmas Quotes:
Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin 

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry 

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson 

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan 

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres 

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld 

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning 

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland 

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd 

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple 

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller 

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope 

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge 

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno 

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox 

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman 

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor 

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it’s a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon  

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Shocking News from our Nation's Capitol.....

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. 

Archie Bunker Remembered....
The atheist religion don’t believe in the bible.
I ain’t got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can’t make no mistakes. Like he’s, waddya call, inflammable.
If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.
The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.
That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.
Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.
The sexual act was never constipated.
No matter how long we’ve been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, “turn me over.”
All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.
When a boy’s coming into poobertyhood.
A husband’s conjungal and a wife’s convivial obligation.
What you’re lookin’ at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.
Most of ‘em have more hismones that hermones.
U.S. history….that’s part of your whole American heresy.
You don’t hear me gettin’ historical (hysterical).
President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.
I’m readin’ in the paper where the CIA is dopin’ people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady’s cottage cheese.
That’s what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped ‘em out of Manhattan.
Didn’t he take the exercise tax off cars?
It’s a well known histororical fact: they gave ‘em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.
A man’s bar is his castle.
East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.
A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith’s cleavage belongs.
One man’s goose is another man’s dander.
Just ’cause “there’s snow in the basement don’t mean there ain’t no fire in the roof!”
I got bigger fish to fly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman’s corns.
No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country…oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!
Don’t talk like an ignarosis.
All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.
New York champagne…that’s a phony label. They don’t grow raisins in New York. 




A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
 
 
Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.