Transferred Pain

Earlier in the week I found myself in tremendous pain.  I couldn't even close my mouth all the way because my molars would mesh and my jaw was crooked.  The pain went up into my ear and gathered at my temple.  My chin was all tingly.  I was messed up and I didn't know what was wrong.

I mad an appointment at the dentist and they x-rayed my jaw [I thought the problem was my jaw].  I apparently had a nerve die in the root of one of my molars which caused swelling in my gums and the domino effect that pushed pain all over the place.

I'm not one of these people that usually get sick or complain about pain.  This was a new (hopefully not repeatable] experience.
Yesterday, I had a root canal to rectify the problem.  The dentist [a special one that does just root canals (must be sadist)] drills trough the top portion of the tooth until he enters the root.  Then he scrapes out the nerve from within each of the parts of the root.  Eventually, that all gets filled in with some kind of inert cement.  Hence, my live tooth is transformed into an inert implant- never to pain me again.

Isn't modern dentistry great?  In the not too distant past, I would hire my barber to pull the sucker cause it was causing too much trouble.  I would end up living the rest of my  life with that tooth missing.

Guy explains to his doctor,

"Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Psychiatrist and Proctologist Share An Office

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time; and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable.

So they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.

Power of the Internet...

Well not only is the massive internet usage causing revolutions in the middle-east, but now companies such as NetFlix and BofA have found that keeping the internet crowd happy is paramount to thier customers.  NetFlix has decided not to split off its DVD business because of an internet uproar, and many customers reacting with their feet to the higher prices.  BofA announced that they were going to start charging a fee for using debit cards, and a similar reaction caused many. many customers to defect to smaller banks or credit unions where debit fees are unheard of.  I'm sure that both companies will find other less-controversial means to make up the profits that they have abandoned by their most recent actions.  Let this be a lesson to those that pay attention: customers want service- that is why they do business with you.  If they don't get it or can't, they will look elsewhere.  It is high time that banks realize whose money it is and stop shooting themselves in the foot to reap every sliver of profit out of every transaction that customers wish to manage their own monies.  I applaud those who learned that BofA is not the only bank or credit union where they can accomplish that....

I tolerated a lot from Fleecebook, but this is carrying it way too far.  Liberty University has now put church services on Fleecebook! 

So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?
Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

All Hallows Eve....

Many of the candidates have had their Halloween costumes on for many months, changing their characterizations depending on their audience.  It is way time that they be eliminated.  Isn't it interesting how some of them that are definitely not electable or even nominatable, keep hanging on....

So I see that having a multimillion dollar wedding won't insure bliss.   Kim Kardashian has already filed for divorce!  This may be one of those women that CANNOT stay married.....  They were planning a TV show to show off  the splendor of the wedding, here in Montecito, but if it makes the airwaves AFTER they are already divorced, who would want to watch it ???   Well, who would want to watch it anyhow ???


Back to answering the door and handing out candy....

Just in case you were wondering...

In Ebriated....

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Government Investigates Rancher

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”