Debates...Thats Debatable....

Isn't it amazing how the formerly (G)OP hopefuls are continuing to schedule more and more debates.  It would be really nice to know how each candidate feels on the issues.  Unfortunately, they keep flip-flopping to appease the crowd.  Which means, of course, that the debates are worthless to us, and even worse for the candidates.  Right now there's Romney and the NOT-Romneys.  They all seem pretty much the same except for an extreme view here and there.  Romney is just rounded out and lackluster- kind-of Milquetoast-like.  Do any of them have a chance against Obama?  Probably not, but there will always be the "I'll vote for anyone that isn't Obama..."

Don't cut down anymore trees!

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Some Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome
here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love
us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded
that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly
improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

For those of you that are sentient enough to realize where Fleecebook makes its monies and that the users have completely lost control of thier personal information, there is "Unthink".  Someone actually read the "Terms of Use" for Fleecebook and decided to do something about it.  Rather than only be unsociable- at least electronically, Unthink put the control in your own hands.  The biggest hurdle that they will face is not what they offer, but social interacting doesn't work unless the "circle of friends" that you want to be social with is also on Unthink.  Hopefully, a valiant effort will produce some results (which certainly won't put a noticeable dent in Fleecebook).

Things are pretty bad [good for us] for Michelle Bachmann, since the Tea Party is asking her to quit the race... [couldn't happen to nicer person...NOT]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Dumb Folks

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. 

Amazing Realization

Today, on the radio, a caller asked when Sarah Palin was going to endorse one of the formerly (G)OP candidates.  He supported the Tea Party and didn't know for sure which candidate to vote for.  He did say that whomever she endorses would definitely win the nomination.  The host couldn't believe that Sarah Palin's endorsement would make a difference to anyone (including me).  This guy specifically said that many loyal supporters are waiting for her.  This was unbelievable.  Also, he was very sure that she would endorse Michelle Bachmann(yech).  She not one of the current three leaders, though.  I predict that Mitt ROmney will get the nomination, not because he should, but because the others shouldn't.

 

Strange sex laws

1.In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
2.In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3.Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
4.The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5.There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
6.In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
7.Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
8.In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
9.In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10.In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!" 

Banks Are Worthless....

How predictable. Iran is now accusing us of inciting the revolution in Libya. Does anyone actually listen you them anymore ?  Can the Iranians listen to anyone else ?

People are furious over banking fees.  Why do we need banks anyway?  We bailed them out of hot water with taxpayer funds and the repay us by upping fees.  The mistake here is ours.  Number one; if they were failing, it is their fault.  If they are too big to fail, okay- don't.  If you do fail, then it is your fault and you deserve to fail.  The REALLY inherent problem is that banks are in business to make a profit.  They (supposedly) sell us service for a fee.  If we want that service we should have to pay, or someone should.
I personally have been doing business with credit unions for a long time.  It is a members-only organization that provides the same services (or better) and is NON-PROFIT.  Any fees that they do charge is only to break even.  Why would my mattress look better than a credit union ?  Credit unions never forget whose money it is and treat you like family members, which is unlike banks that assume you are out to cheat them (when it is really the other way around).
My first bad experience with a bank is when BofA tried to charge me a fee to make my third deposit in a month.  I argued that they would have more monies to lend and there fore should not be charging me.  They claimed that it was a PAPERWORK charge.  I quickly removed all my money from that institution and moved to a credit union.  I have ALWAYS wondered why people stay there, or with ANY bank.

Personnel Evaluation Quotes:
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

• "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

• "One neuron short of a synapse."

• "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
• "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

• "He's been working with glue too much."

• "He would argue with a signpost."

• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,...he's the other one."


• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom...and has started to dig."

• "His men would follow him anywhere,...but only out of morbid curiosity."

• "I would not allow this employee to breed."

• "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

• "This employee should go far,...and the sooner he starts, the better."

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it 
Major Technological Breakthrough
           Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
           It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
           We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
           It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
           We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
           We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
           We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
           We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
           We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
           We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
           The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
           The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
           We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.
           Half done.
We predict...
           We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.
           Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.
           100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.
           It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
           Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
           Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.
           Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.
           We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
           The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.
           This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

Best comeback lines...
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

What a Guy!

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, a Food Network television show, was filmed this week at Lito's Restaurant in downtown Santa Barbara.  The host of the show, Guy Fieri, autographed the wall with the Food Network logo and a mural.  I wish I had known, so I could be there.  This guy, Guy, is a real character with many eccentricities- but he knows good food, the kind we all miss, from diners.  I really enjoy his show.  The expressions on his face when he tastes the food are so expressive, you can almost taste it yourself.  What a job!

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

How Crazy Do You Have To Be ?

Today's events further proved that Gaddafi(sp) was completely out of his mind.  I'm sure that he could have made a deal EARLIER and now be living like a king- somewhere else...  Perhaps all that power really did go to his head.

So the REAL question is, do you have to be crazy to be in a political office- or will that happen anyway once you get ther ??

Country romance!

And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Your hair is like cornsilk, A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop, Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! - I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.

Still them fellers at work, They all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug, A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, Upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern, Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, With a RC cold drank,
We go together; Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds;

. . . It's a new trollin' motor! 

A cultural comparison 
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. 

Bat Chain Pullers Still Hangin' Around

Two things have been happening.  First, I have been having issues finding unused jokes, as my sources appear to be drying up AND the same thing is happening to my source for cartoons.  I will have to make an effort to locate some new sources.  My USUAL joking friends are letting me down.


Secondly, there has been much anxiety regarding my daughter's health, but things seem to be working their way out.  I am looking forward to some quiet time.


I am still blown away at what a wasteland the formerly(G)OP candidate list has become.  They are literally just a bunch of Bat Chain Pullers....


Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

John took his blind date to a carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked John. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING
AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

**********************

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH
AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM
FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK? '
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

Enuf Fer Tday!

I worked for the last two days after work to get the car show parking laid out.  Today was the show and it went pretty smooth.  The fog was pretty low in the sky until mid-morning which kept the chicken-hearted away.  We had numerous no-show, but they had already paid.  The charity make out.  Meanwhile, I am very tired as I was there before 6 o:darkly this morning- just to stay ahead the crowd that didn't show up....

HOW IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who
don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them
power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but
think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to
try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until
it's too late.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

Reminiscing

Last evening, I was volunteering for a few hours to help set up the Lemon Festival at a local park.  While we were measuring and marking the lawn, there were young children practicing soccer all around us.  I can't tell you how much I miss those days when I took my kids to soccer practice and then had the privilege to watch them play, interact with other parents, share snacks with the other players.  At the end of the season, we were able to help celebrate all the high points of the season, wins and losses, at a party.  It was very pleasurable.  I didn't know how much I missed it until I was reminded.  I guess there are lots of things like that.  Now my youngest is going to go to school in Rome.  What a major amount of change has occurred in such a short time.  It gives me regrets that I have grown old so fast and can no longer experience my kids growing up. I wonder what other past moments I have forgotten.

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off" he replied.

The Formerly (G)OP Offerings

I am constantly amazed that the formerly(G)OP can expect to win an election with the cast of candidates that they have offered.  If you remove all the extremists and bigmouths, all that you have left is Cain and Romney.  What a great choice...Obama is a shoe in...


Today my daughter was accepted to Trinity College in Rome.  She is walking on air...

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music...."

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.                                                         

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's." he replied

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother- in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line." 

Now you know....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 

Bad Judgement...

As if I needed another reason to eschew Fleecebook and Walmart, they have now gone into partnership!!!  An attempt to make their stores relevant to the Facebook (younger) crowd, Walmart is contracting to have Facebook create over 3500 "local" Walmart pages.  As more and more users find that they have their days consumed by servicing Facebook and a Farmville movie is in the works, isn't there more of a move away from what Walmart is buying?  In my own perception, I see Facebook as once being the hot new thing, like AOL was, but then interest waning for the current new thing.  Unfortunately, the Walmart consumers will be paying for that company's bad judgement....

I have been absolutely amazed that I have not received any joke emails for days.  My supply network (that I use on this blog) appears to be drying up.  I may have to come up with another set of sources....or change the underlying premise of the blog. 

May the Horse Be With You....

Yesterday we went to see a Riders In The Sky concert.  We have seen them many times before at Cowboy Poetry gatherings such as the one in Santa Clarita at Melody Ranch.  This was a different kind of concert as it was in the daytime and aimed at kids and particularly the music that they did for Disney in the Toy Story series.  Watching the kids was fun as they really got into the music and they gathered at the stage to dance.  The Riders were in rare form as they performed the songs that the kids would like.  The show was (unfortunately) short for the admission price.  We bought early tickets which were $10 more, as the price dropped.  We are expecting either a refund or credit towards another show.  The show was short but fun...

Sad Story:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live.'

An elderly man was driving down the street when he was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
He was asked where he was going at this time of night.

The man replied, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body, as well as staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really?

Who would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife!"

Pappa's Delicate Condition

Friday my daughter was accepted to do a semester abroad in Rome.  I somehow knew that this day would come.  The apron strings won't reach quite that far and Daddy's Little Girl will be twenty-one in December.  I guess I will have to grow up....

Yesterday we went to the Avocado Festival in Carpinteria. The guacamole was great, and so were the BBQ ribs and funnel cake.  We enjoyed all the live music and the various vendors.  I wish it happened more often.  It was like a Fiesta that didn't have a parade and behaved....

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

End of An Era

So as of today, we have entered a new era.  The modern visionary that helped drive the tech innovation market has passed.  Rest in peace Steve Jobs and know that you made much more than the "dent in the universe" that you so desired.  He was a master of providing the "next best thing" before we knew that that is what we wanted and needed.  His forethought lit the fuses of so many markets that his impacts won't fade for many generations.

On another note, people are leaving BofA in droves over their new fees. They claim that they are entitled to make a profit.  That is a laugh.  After the taxpayers bailed them out, and they have riled everyone regarding their foreclosure practices, they claim that they haven't made enough profits.  Next they will layoff 30,000 employees.  Why did they buy Countrywide?  Countrywide was a giant hole filled with liabilities, poor investments, and ill will.  Buying them passed all those on to BofA.  I don't hesitate when I say that they would have been better off not to buy them, but just to let them fail.  The ill will towards BofA will cost them much more in profitability that the loss of fees on debit cards.  The bad publicity is more than they realize...

So the formerly(G)OP will now consist of Romney and a bunch of extremist non-Romneys. We will not have Christie or Palin to toss around anymore, as they have both excluded themselves from consideration.  Will that shut them up?  Probably not.  The big push by the Tea Party appears to have lost all of their steam (and candidates).  Perhaps we labeled Palin correctly earlier as an controversy igniter, rather than a (serious) candidate.

Questions?
 If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

xxxx

Whose Money Is It, Anyway ?

I've never had a problem remembering that the money in my bank accounts is mine.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same for most banks.  They always seem to be doing you a favor to perform any banking function. Their charges are petty and very quickly you feel unappreciated.  This has always been a necessary evil to do business with banks.  We all have out limits, though.  My limit was when my current bank was making a service charge to the third deposit of mine for the month.  This dumbfounded me.  The goal, I say, "THE GOAL" is to put money into the account, so the bank can lend it out and make interest charges on the loan.  Well, not really.  You see, allowing that third deposit must have cost the bank somewhere around 0.0001 cents to process and they decided to pass that cost on to me.  So then, translated, 0.0001 cents of cost to the bank means that they would charge me $15.  That appears to be exorbitant, but it is only a standard and acceptable (?) amount of profit.  So I told them what they could do with their checking, savings, and credit card accounts and moved to a credit union.
There, where each teller and the manager knows me by my first name and greets me as I come in, I feel appreciated.  The fees are minimal and the services are stupendous.  Why would I do business with a bank ever again?
Now that BofA has decided to start charging for debit card use, and some of the other big banks are following suit, the people are rising up to complain.  I believe they are mistaken.  Let the banks overcharge.  Leave the banks, in droves.  They will learn whose money it is in a hurry.  There is NOT ONE SERVICE that they provide that I cannot get elsewhere and be just as happy if not more so.  We should not fret, as the banks will blame the gubmint for all their woes, and we will end up paying to save their collective asses once again...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.



He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

 The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.



Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'


The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of  3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Kids answers to questions:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour (brilliant, love this)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula
A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarian Section.
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word benign' mean
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 

Old Bloggers Don't Die, They Just....

Sometimes there isn't enough to write about even when there is so much going on in the world. Carolyn Espley-Miller has tips for bloggers that are over fifty.  I'm not sure what difference my age makes, except for maybe the perspective and the topics that I would write about.  I agree that the best part of blogging is the responses and reactions that are shared by the readers.  I wish there was a lot more than that.  That is really icing on the cake, though.  The cake is getting to express one's views or just make comments on the current events- without interruptions or conversational manipulations.  It is definitely therapeutic and cathartic.  I especially enjoy sharing some stories or cartoons that I find funny, cute or just plain interesting.  After three kids ignoring me and my sense of (or lack of)  humor, now I get to foist it upon anyone that will take the time to read what I have to share.  Speaking of share, this is kind of a "show and tell" right out of kindergarten.  Meanwhile, please send me your comments, questions- anything at all.

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

- More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You wipe your ass with your hand

- You cook over burning camel dung

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wives smell worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??  Well no shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

How the fight started
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer (always something more important to me).
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.