Old Bloggers Don't Die, They Just....

Sometimes there isn't enough to write about even when there is so much going on in the world. Carolyn Espley-Miller has tips for bloggers that are over fifty.  I'm not sure what difference my age makes, except for maybe the perspective and the topics that I would write about.  I agree that the best part of blogging is the responses and reactions that are shared by the readers.  I wish there was a lot more than that.  That is really icing on the cake, though.  The cake is getting to express one's views or just make comments on the current events- without interruptions or conversational manipulations.  It is definitely therapeutic and cathartic.  I especially enjoy sharing some stories or cartoons that I find funny, cute or just plain interesting.  After three kids ignoring me and my sense of (or lack of)  humor, now I get to foist it upon anyone that will take the time to read what I have to share.  Speaking of share, this is kind of a "show and tell" right out of kindergarten.  Meanwhile, please send me your comments, questions- anything at all.

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

- More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You wipe your ass with your hand

- You cook over burning camel dung

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wives smell worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??  Well no shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

How the fight started
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer (always something more important to me).
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Jus' Fiscallin' Along...

So here we are in the new "fiscal" year and I was really expecting something new...  Well Amanda Knox was reprieved from persecution at the hands of the Italian "justice" system.  It is kind of weird, two judges and six jurors all together sit on their jury.   Chris Christie hasn't decided yet whether to run or not.  A poll on the CNN website said not to bother.  Don't we all wish there was someone worthwhile to get enthusiastic about?  iPhone 5 will be out tomorrow.  It will be another amazing run.  The big question is how much longer can they do it without Jobs?

The Cowboy Code
1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.

2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.

3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.

4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.

5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.

7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.

8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.

9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.

10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.

11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.

12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.

13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady... not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.

14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Privacy- No More....

How does one maintain your individual privacy in a digital world?  There is little chance of a 100% success rate, but it can be possible.  Will I still be able to participate in all the digital world has to offer- probably not. 


Is there a conspiracy to know all about every one of us and how we interact with society?  I believe so.  It is not only focused marketing, but a "herding" towards the ideals of big business.  Vote for my candidate, buy my products, watch these shows, read these books, go to these schools, drive these cars, live the lives that we prescribe.  Who is big business to tell us that?  What can I do to prevent it.  The first thing that all of us has to do is come to grips with the reality of the situation, learn to control and manipulate it and deal responsibly with the consequences of their control.  Is this Big Brother?  Definitely we are making large (huge) strides in that direction.

Is IBM making a comeback? Microsoft is falling into the same category, but below IBM's market value.  Can Microsoft still be viable in today's market?  They will have to redefine themselves into a lean-mean-Chameleonic company that follows the market and even DRIVES it occasionally.  Can they do that anymore?  Are they as bloated as their software ?  As the paradigms shift, will they as well? Or are they a has-been force?

AN ISRAELI ON VACATION
An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in England when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage, right under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli:
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my lifetime.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.'
'So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, "I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to Israel these days. 

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of  Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont,  Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.. Only The
Good Die Young..
=============================
In a  London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford,  England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna.. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso,  New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
for not rising..
===============================
In a Uniontown,  Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in  England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in  Hartscombe , England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in  Nantucket ,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease..
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in  England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be..
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
until I know which way you went.

Bad marketing translations
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got
Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon
brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you
lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't
read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious pornographic magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw
the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)
.

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in
your pocket and make you pregnant"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather
first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly
In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.

13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South
America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't
go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any
cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-
lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and
empty."

16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted
Corcel, which means horse.

17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for
unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki
Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

No Plan- No Direction- No Solution

Try as I might to focus in on the formerly(G)OP candidates, I cannot.  They all represent extreme views beyond what is tolerable.  I can't imagine have to listen to their rants for four years.  Unfortunately, Obama has become timid when he most needs not to.  The real problem is that there are no clear solutions to the economic problems of the world, that are short term.  In the long term, we all need to be less dependent on other countries.  That is where our job market went, we exported it.  To get it back, we are going to have to compete not only on the price but also on the quality. While we sat on our laurels and enjoyed the products made better and better oversees, we lost our own capabilities to make good stuff that we want.  We have been sold down the river.  It isn't Obama, Bush, Clinton, or Bush Sr.  The all contributed to maintain our way of life, but with foreign good at a tolerable price.  Guess what, whose days are gone.The Tea Party or Christie or Palin are not going to save us. The sooner we realize that the better.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

Mississippi Absentees
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part.

Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain.

Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."

Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She was in bed with gramps.

Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Paying the Piper Again

Zuck is on the hotseat again as the Irish regulators investigate "frictionless sharing".  Why is it that Fleecebook is always on such thin ice?  Ask me if I care or whether I feel good about it.

Someone has finally managed to photograph the Pot at the end of the rainbow!!! Wouldn't you know it!

One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative
Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and
they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be
a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant
fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows:

1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.

9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down and
participants must be from the same family.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real
bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners.

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball

13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pitbull boxing.

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other peoples, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".

Mebbie I need My Own PAC & a Billion $ to Feed It...

There's a big commotion about the enhancements (?) that  Zuck has made to Fleecebook, but as an aside: they have also created a Facebook Political Action Committee (PAC).  This, of course, must come with a lobby and a list of politicians that are influence-able, or need influencing, or bribing.  When you control as much money as Zuck, it is no surprise that he would want to influence politics.  I am disgusted in the obvious "interference" that big business has on politics.  It is time for a redo. Perry said that corporations are people, too.  I don't agree with him, but they ARE being treated as such. [Wonder when they will execute one in Texas...]  Why can corporations get away without paying their share of taxes ?  It is time for a flat tax- fairness to the poor,  fairness to the middle class, fairness to the wealthy, and fairness to the corporations.  UNFORTUNATELY, since lobbies exist and have such phenomenal powers- that flat tax will never happen!

LAWYER JOKES
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

Very Personal:
I wish to share an experience with you. As we know, many of us have had brushes with the authorities regarding drinking and driving. Well I for one did something about it. The other night I was out for dinner with some friends and frankly I had way too much Vino. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I had never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived safe and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.

Ho Hum...

Catching up on my reading I see that there are some things that haven't changed: 1) Zuck is pissing off many Fleecebook users with new features. 2) Apple's next spyPhone is about to be announced.  3) Amazon is coming to the market with their own tablet called Kindle Fire- and it is NOT Android, WebOs or Apple based. 3) Meg Whitman won't go away.  She managed to crawl out from under the rock she was hiding under, and now will "lead" HP.  I'm not sure where to, but it probably can't be as bad as Fiorina... 4) The gubmint is or has already run out of operating money.  More to come (probably printed afresh). 5) Obama is still being whipped by the formerly(G)OP.  6) The list of formerly(G)OP candidates has not changed, although Perry's stripes are beginning to show through ...  7) Cain stole the show in Florida (which may prove that the problem is not Obama's color, but his party instead).  It's still anybody's guess who will walk away with the nomination, but as of today- it won't be Christie and can't be Palin (as yet). 8) Oil dropped in price, but it didn't affect California gas prices.  9) Gold dropped in value, which caused a lot of people to lose a bunch of money they just got... 10) Michael Jackson's "doctor" is finally getting his day in court...

So essentially, not much changed while I was vacating... 

One thing that FINALLY did change, Andy Rooney is retiring at 92!  I thought those awning eyebrows would carry him forever!

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

     

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them

What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
 

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

Back to work....

We are back from our very short, but well deserved getaway to Northern California.  We saw temperature extremes from mid 40s in San Francisco with heavy, milky fog and freezing winds to 102 degrees in Napa to mid 80s in the redwood forest.  We traveled to  Point Reyes to see the lighthouse, but that same milky fog deterred us. 

We learned that the Sattui (our favorite St. Helena winery) family built a replica of a twelfth century Tuscan castle and raised all their wine prices to fund it (unfortunately).  


We also discovered that another favorite winery in Calistoga,  Sterling, raised their tasting price to $25, which is more than I would spend for their individual bottles of wine.  

We visited a glass beach in Fort Bragg.  This beach is covered with broken glass that has been polished by the wave action.  Terre and Tori collect it in hopes that someday they will make jewelry from it.

We found a banana slug (about eight inches) in the Founder's Grove of the redwood forest.  It was a bit gross! 

On the hunt for a good  dinner, we were served raw pork (yuk) masquerading as BBQ ribs in Healdsburg. The restaurant review that we posted should keep unaware tourists from making the same mistake we did.       

We did, however have a WONDERFUL breakfast the next day at the Center Street Cafe, also in Healdsburg.

    

Bottom line was that it was great to get away, but we had some not-so-great experiences on the trip.  So now I am back to work, with very little funded until the next fiscal year begins...

OXYMORONIC ONE-LINERS
· Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

· Death to all fanatics!

· An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

· If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

· I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

· The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

· Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

· I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

· I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

· Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?

· Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

· Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life.  I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence - sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

xx