Cable Woes...

My cable bill went up again.  It seems to happen at each billing cycle.  Am I getting any more for my money?  Probably not.  What are my alternatives? 1) Give up TV: not going to happen anytime soon. 2) Watch rented movies (on DVDs) only: this service will probably dissolve in the next year or so. 3) Switch to satellite dish- the illusion of lower prices and/or more content for the same or less cost dissolves after the initial teaser rate runs out. 4) Convert to a streaming box- most content is available, some for free and some for low subscription costs.  Unfortunately, all content is not available and there is no central location.  For the most part, currently, for each program that one wants to watch, they may have to think about where it is and perform some different configuration or mechanism to get to the program.  5) Some subscribers (reported by edhat.com) have had success in asking the cable company for a lower price, without losing features.  It is hard to believe, but may be worth the effort, at least currently.
So, at least currently,  I continue to pay for cable while the other options evolve.... (sigh).

SIGNS THAT RONALD MCDONALD HAS GROWN UP

-No longer signs paychecks in crayon.

- That new "Mr. Happy Meal."

- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.

- Two words: sagging buns.

- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.

- Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.

- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.

- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.

- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.

- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.

- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.

- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.

- Has a McBeergut. 

Another Day...

A much needed day of R&R was had yesterday.  With only a few errands to do, and the overcast (and wet) weather until late in the afternoon, not very much was accomplished.  We watched numerous episodes of Battlestar Gallactica (which is always enjoyable) and the movie Thor, which was pretty-much a disappointment.  The effects were pretty good, but the story jumped around a bit, and the interesting parts appear to have been left out.
We read about and watched some of the 911 tributes and struggled to believe that it is a better world after ten years of strife over terrorism.  It is hard to accept that the Muslim world is so mad or jealous of us that they would wish to cause mayhem or even eradication of one of their biggest oil customers.  What did we do that was so offensive?  What would we have done differently, had we known ?

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

12 Redneck Quotes
1. Redneck Quote: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

2. Redneck Quote: My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

3. Redneck Quote: Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.

4. Redneck Quote: Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

5. Redneck Quote: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

6. Redneck Quote: He's as country as cornflakes.

7. Redneck Quote: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

8. Redneck Quote: Well butter my butt and call me biscuit.

9. Redneck Quote: It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

10. Redneck Quote: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

11. Redneck Quote: This is gooder'n grits.

12. Redneck Quote: Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

Bad Cards...

Last night, at a poker game, I realized that the cards were bad- and they probably weren't going to get better that night.  There was no way to win, only survive- if I'm lucky.  This is just like the economy and Obama's plan...

Reflecting on where I was on 9/11, ten years ago.  I was interviewing for my current job.  I had many people to see and be interviewed by, but nobody wanted to talk to me.  They were all watching something on the internet.  It wasn't until much later that I realized what had happened.

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.

· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

Charlotte, North Carolina, USA.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim! Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".


NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

Economic stimulus explained
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up. 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! 

Why California is broke
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

Arizona :
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Target?" 

The Choice is Clear!

Surprise, surprise!  The fridge is making that noise AGAIN and needs adjustment- even though I just did it last night and it was quiet for a day....

Tell me I'm really confused.... Perry used to support Gore in the presidential election and was a staunch Democrat.  Now he's a Republican candidate for president, himself?  He is always preaching "less government" and how Texas gets along without state income tax.  Now with over 1000 houses lost due to the mostly volunteer (that's all they could afford) fire departments in Texas, Perry is asking the government to help put the fire out. I guess he needs THAT PART of the gubmint!


Why isn't there a CLEAR CHOICE ???  I am REALLY AFRAID of who may get into office on the wave of votes AGAINST OBAMA rather than votes FOR THEM!

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

New Old Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard. 

********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread. 

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

******************** 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !! 

******************** 

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. 

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a Italian sports car.

Simplicity Is Lost....

For the umpteenth time I had to adjust our ten-year old refrigerator.  Appliances are not made to repair any longer.  I keep adjusting this one, because if I call a repairman, they don't.  All they can do is replace parts until the problem is gone or moves.  Why can't we make anything simply anymore.  Everything is so complicated that even with my Master's in Engineering, and over thirty-five years of experience- I still have problems wondering why something was built that way.  I suppose it is a cost-cutting measure, or to reduce weight, or reduce the number of parts, or ease manufacturing.  The biggest reason that I can think of, though, is planned obsolescence.  Too many repairs or too many EXPENSIVE repairs will force me to replace the unit.  And while I will probably no longer have brand loyalty having been burned by a bad design from this one, I will probably replace it before spending very much on a ten-year old appliance!  Actually, I am impressed that it lasted that long...I am expecting it to fail and need replacement.

WalMart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your drivers license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a drivers license? 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, as his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer cough drops, sun lotion or a simple band-aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

He began to lose the will to live as churches became businesses; creationism vied for equal footing with proper science, alternative treatments became available on the WEB (while cancer drugs were banned) and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

The poor guy took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

He finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Barely recovering from that he was bludgeoned to death by the news that the world's financial markets had been demolished by irresponsible bankers who made a fortune doing so and who the governments bailed out by demanding money from those wise enough to have adopted sensible fiscal policies.

RIP 

"New" theories:

4th RunnerUp: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd RunnerUp: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd RunnerUp: The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

1st RunnerUp: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. 

Bulb Frustration...

I've been kept very busy this holiday weekend. Many chores to attend to.  Many were high-priority items on the Honey-Do list and some just needed to get done anyway.  We did find time to watch "Hanna", unfortunately.  It is a dumb movie the unfold poorly.  The audience is left hanging many times waiting for another fold.  It is no wonder that I never saw it come to the theaters.  

So recently I perused the lighting isle at the local Home Depot.  I wasn't sure what to expect, whether you could still buy incandescent bulbs or not. I saw the usual compact florescent ones, ugly spirals and for a bit more, those that are covered with a layer of glass and ALMOST look like incandescent ones. Then I came across the LED variety for $49.99 apiece.  I know that these last almost forever, but for that much money I certainly can wait a year or so for them to come down in price.  Today I saw these (see picture) advertised at $15 each.  That is much better.  It is too bad they are SO UGLY.  Note that this is a push-and-twist variety.  They probably charge more for the one with threads THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY USE! LEDs are really cheap when used in electronics.  I just CAN'T IMAGINE what is so expensive on this frickin' bulbs that would drive the price so high.  Is is because we make them- instead of China?

Political Science For Dummies:

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.  Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in  Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the  US    government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.  Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.  Jeb agrees.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real   California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart..just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a very good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, a real credit to the company and he always demonstrated their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but... your being late so often is quite bothersome. It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee for you, sir?" 

Arizona's new immigration law

I knew sooner than later that something like this was going to happen.

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing their outrage with Arizona's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving elsewhere.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ located south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal."

The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state’s hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter "He and his family are moving to California , which is a state that will support him and his family with dignity."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye....huh! 

This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the middle east, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.