Don't Be Afraid- They're Watching...

This is scary:  Go into your local mall, look at a TV screen in a kiosk or in a window.  The camera sees you, does a facial recognition scan (in some unknown database) and addresses you by name (if you are in the database) or by age and sex to produce a PERSONAL and DIRECTED advertisement.  If you are recognized, then there is a record made that you were there.  Where is the information coming from that is looked up in the database?  Where is the information GOING that you were there? What happened to privacy?  If you were in the witness protection program, you had better get plastic surgery before you appear in public.  And what about the Paparazzi? [Celebrity XYZ spotted at Springfield Mall...Paparazzi are there in a flash.]  I'm sure they will find a way to charge the reporters for that information, as well.

How to give your cat a pill.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

6. Call friend from next door. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get friend to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Is he the Best the Formerly(G)OP Can Come Up With?

I used to think that Perry would lead the pack if he threw his hat into the ring.  Now every time I read what he says, I feel that Romney is a better choice.  Apparently, I'm not alone.  Only those two, IMHO, are electable- but that could change....

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying

"Errr .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying

"Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,

"Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde,
"That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

You know you're getting older when you see a business and remember what it used to be called .


Older yet when you remember the last 5 names it was called .


You're old when you remember when there was nothing there, as a matter of fact, the whole block was a pasture.

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" 

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. 

How do you filter the lies from politicians that will say ANYTHING!

So politicians NEVER lie or exaggerate, RIGHT?  Bachmann says that when/if she is president, she will bring back $2.00 gasoline.  Anyone that believes that should vote for her.  They will get what they deserve. This is impossible.  She does not have control over an international commodity.   What would she say, lower the price or we won't buy from you?  WE HAVE NO CHOICE and it is OUT OF OUR CONTROL.  The sooner everyone believes that, the sooner we will stop blaming Obama for the raping of the world by the oil companies.

What Is Generation "Y"?

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.
The Baby Boomers are those born between 1947 and 1959.
Generation X people were born between 1960 and 1979. 
Generation Y were born between 1980 and 2010.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
A cartoonist explained it very eloquently below