The ULTIMATE Price

How do you put a value on the 65 million email addresses and boat-loads of personal information that has FREELY been provided to Fleecebook?  When an IPO does occur, what is the value of Fleecebook's assets?  Who will pay the ULTIMATE price in this charade of raping the user's identities ?

Definitions:

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually ME-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

ADULT:
Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

SKELETON: 
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Hooked-On Phones

Are you hooked on positive feedback?  Are you constantly checking your smart phone for new messages?  Have you become annoying to all around you?  Can you break the habit?  Is this as bad as caffeine or nicotine ?  If the dad-blamed phone is so smart, why doesn't it TELL you when there is a message- or why don't you let it tell you?  Is this like petting your dog or touching your mate?

"My husband and I found this great new method of birth control that really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids."
- Roseanne


How smart phone users see each other:

"Yugo" Still Lives...Reincarnated...

I would love dearly to dump my cable carrier, comically known as the "Yugo" of cable companies.  There isn't very much choice, though.  The cable already runs to my house, and unfortunately, besides the overpriced cable programming; they have the largest bandwidth internet available here.  SO if I switch to dish, the programming will cost the same, but the internet from my bable company will go up because of debundling.  I could abandon the whole mess and just go for internet programming, but it is taking way too long to settle down.  First Hulu has free programming, along with a few others.  Netflix was the movie choice, but they are getting selfish now.  I would REALLY like a single point-of-contact on the net for programming, but I may be asking too much too early.  There is a lot of settling that has to happen first.  Meanwhile, pay, pay, pay....

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

"Jews and Christians are different in a lot of ways. Some Christian people will actually have religious bumper stickers on their cars. Like 'Jesus is King', 'The Lord Saves'. Jews don't do that. You'll never see, 'Honk If You Love Moses.'"
- Gregg Rogell

During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.

One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says,

"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Lipstick in Catholic School (you've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2007 and 2008. 

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA)

Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040. 

Brain Shrinkage ?

The Postal Service is aiming to close many of their offices.  One of our post offices has an automated system that allows for a user to weigh and affix postage to a parcel, or buy stamps, etc. and all by debit or credit card.  I usually go to that office to use this machine because there is not usually a line.  If this machine deals with more than 90% of why you go to a post office, then I really don't understand what the other 10% is or why so many people would rather wait in line to be waited on.  I hope they strategically place these machines around town, because I would rarely, if ever, seek a "personal" touch.  BTW, does this mean that they won't ask for higher prices on postage ????

Apparently scientists now say that brain shrinkage is uniquely human.  This fact, of course, is extremely believable.  What they didn't have anything to say about, was the disparity between the starting sizes of human brains.  This certainly is an evolving trait based on how much utilization we get out of our brains.  Theoretically then, it must also be an acceptable fact that politicians have many relatives, and they are affecting the gene pool.

Is there anywhere that we can escape from advertising now?  At the movies there are more commercials that previews.  On your smart phone, there are ads wherever you look.  At the gas stations there are flatscreen digital ads continuously.  Almost every website you access on the web has ads.  The TV is crowded with ads.  My blog even has ads.  How can we escape?  Please continue NOT to click on any of them.  Eventually, each advertiser will realize the futility of the ads and cease and desist.

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??   HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! 

Change ?

Last night I watched "Take Me Home Tonight" with Topher Grace (I like him), but there wasn't much to like about the movie.  Each time I thought it was getting better, it continued to slide downhill.

As I read the paper this morning, I could not help but notice how complacent I've become to the same old stories: earthquake, rocker died of overdose, terrorist shooting/bombing, politician cheating on his wife, congress doing nothing but giving themselves raises...  Why do I buy the paper? I want to know the news, not samo-samo, day after day.  Where is all the "change" we were promised?  Is Obama powerless?

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into
a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered
the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready
for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."

Restroom Signs
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in Women's  restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly
Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,  Beverly
Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign,  IL

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
- Men's Room, Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, North Carolina

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,Dallas,Texas

Express Lane: Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke
University, Durham, North Carolina.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and  doesn't die. -
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Not on My Grave Puhleeze!

This has REALLY gone TOO FAR.  Now there are Quick Response (QR) codes appearing everywhere- even on grave markers!  So I go to visit a friend's grave- which is supposed to be forever- and they want me to use the QR code to go to a website with my smart phone so that they can capture my private data while I peruse somebody's last words to my friend on his website!  What's up with that.  I guess, if I don't have a smart phone- or there is no coverage at the cemetery, I would get left out.  GIMME A BREAK!  This is not only STUPID and INSULTING but also BIASED as hell.  I can't imagine who would do this- oh yes I can:  I saw that there are t-shirts with QR codes on the back, so that (discreetly) you can process them with your smart phone and make subtle contact, if you wish.  THIS GUY, wearing the t-shirt, WOULD PUT a QR CODE on someone's GRAVE MARKER!  

[Those of you with smart phones, process the QR code above for a special message!!]

"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,

"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says,  "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Here's Your Sign...

Sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the day.  They are so stupid that they should have it tattooed on their forehead.  Today I went into the market for a few items before coming home.  As I walked through the bread isle, I noticed a large display in the center of the walkway that was for a new kind of flavored butter product.  One had honey int it, another cinnamon.  I picked up one and read "REFRIGERATE". Immediately, I went to the front counter and told an attendant.  Her response was, "The salesman put up the display, you'd think he'd know that it needed refrigeration."  So meanwhile they came and took down the display.  I wonder if it all spoiled....Dumb as a box of hair!

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

Southern Comments
Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." 

Celebrities Visiting....

Sometimes I wish I had paid more attention to my dog when I take him out to do his binness...  He waddles about sniffing to look for an appropriate and deserving place.  Bottom line is, though,  if he can't screw it or eat it, he pisses on it!  Works for me too, especially regarding lawyers, banks, politicians and salesmen.

My daughter works in a small store on State Street (Santa Barbara) and says that Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively came in and shopped today.  She sold them some baby toys.

 

Here's the latest:  If you are somewhat weird celebrity, or just like the idea of naming your kids with strange first names- don't do it in New Zealand.  They have outlawed a whole long list of unacceptable names, such as Lucifer, Duke, Messiah, Bishop, Baron, General, Judge, King, Knight and Mr.  I wouldn't be surprised if you'd have to submit the proposed name and await approval, kind of like a special license plate for your car.

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN

 






SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA
 
.........and which country do you get when you have a technical problem with your computer?

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

Pizza Time

In this time of austerity, we just had pizza for dinner for $1.99 per person.  You ask, how could we do that when an average large pizza is close to $30?  Costco sells an 18 inch pizza which is actually very good, but for $9.95.  It must be a loss leader.  At any rate, when it is just me and my wife, I can buy a double slice for $1.99.  One each of those is more than enough to get my pizza fix, without pigging out!  Not having extra slices means we won't eat them, and in this case we don't pay for them either.

I remember when it was fun to go to the Pizza Time Theater and watch old movies while we ate.  Somehow, that has lost its charm when you do the same at home.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.
The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass"! 

Men "Defined"

1 He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

3. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

4. .He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

5. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

6. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of  "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

7. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

8. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

9. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

More Budget Woes

This is pretty amazing:  A guy moves into a abandoned home in Texas and files some papers which included a $16 fee and now he owns the place.  Why is this legal ?  Apparently his obligations to the mortgage holder are nil because they went out of business.  It really appears as though there were a number of events which all occurred in sequence that made this possible.

I am sure tired about these different states and the Fed not being able to make a budget.  I can't either, because everything keeps changing in cost. What about when WE can't make our budget ?  I guess I'll raise taxes.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Lady #1.
"Do what?" asked Lady #2.
"Send my lawn away to be mowed." 

Ponderings
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"

"What is it Ma?"

"They won't let me fart."

Good Bye Harry Potter....

Another end to an era, the era of Harry Potter.  We went to see the last of the movies last evening and we got exactly as we expected.  The movie actually surpassed what we pictured during reading the book.  It was undoubtedly the best of the series and a crescendo to the ten years of HP.  It was so good to finally understand the innuendos of the story and see it end happily.  The unfortunate thing is that as I left the theater, all enthused, I became sad because there were no more Harry Potter movies to look forward to.  It is just as though I had gone through episodes of a dreamworld, only to wake up to reality.  How sad.  How wonderful at the same time that I got to experience ten years of another world that left my imagination better than it found it.  Thanks J.K. for the experience.

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!" 

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 
 
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football are as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!


And there is more..............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down......
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country......
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....  

 

College or Not?

I was gung-ho.  I graduated high school when I was sixteen and couldn't wait to leave my peers treatment of an immature brainiac to enter community college.  I was going to become a math teacher and show all what I could do.  Exposure to a room-sized, slow but intriguing computer left me but no choice as to conquer it and the field.  I left community college with an Associate's degree and moved on to transfer to a four year school as a transfer.  Continuing to slay the challenges that lay before me; next was the master's program.  Accused by my father as over educated and non-employable, I still marched forward.  After orals and the PhD screening exam, I could no-longer continue the poor lifestyle and decided to get a job from one of my many management-type students in the classes I was teaching.  I left with a master's, a PhD opportunity and a teaching credential.
This background did not cover the maturation and focus that I learned in college.  To have avoided it (as they now say, it may not be necessary), would have been devastating to my career (?) and life in general.  I say, HOGWASH.  College is more than going to school.  It is a necessary evolution in thinking and in direction, as well as values.  One certainly can learn what one wants out of their life and aim for it.  I am disappointed in our culture for even suggesting that it may not be worthwhile ($) to get a college education.  Expenses have certainly gone up, but the real worth is not what I can make (dollars) in my career lifetime, but what that career will be.

Sensitive Husband

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Bachmann is Churchless!

So I guess Michelle Bachmann is even too extreme for her own church, as her Pastor kindly asked her to leave her church for good.  Is this someone we want to be in charge of nuclear arms, missiles, bombers....?  I think not.  Please stay away from the White House.

In a never ending effort to get you on Fleecebook and never to get off- for any reason, Zuck's crowd is now busily working on a way for you to read the news while in Fleecebook, AND you can do it with your friends!

Thank goodness it is FINALLY FRIDAY!!!

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
If Jesus returned today, He might misinterpret women hailing him when they were getting a cell phone pic, Looking at their watch, Buying condoms, Shaving their pubes, Going to Olive Garden and on to the mall...

 

Metamorphosis!

Looking forwards to another (last) Harry Potter installment.  My kids grew up with him and I enjoyed every one of the books/movies.  It is just great when a series actually gets to the end an actually finishes a story.  I'm quite sure that there will be more stories coming from Rowling.  I hope they are as good...

Google is changing your brain to be more dependent on the internet! We are going through a metamorphosis on how our brain organizes data, and what is decides to remember- the data or how to access it on the internet.

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine
suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers
you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur
and all.

Then he takes me out for a dinner.  Marvelous dinner. Lobster
even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it
so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming
back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with
him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Things My Parents Taught Me

My parents taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My parents taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My parents taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My parents taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My parents taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My parents taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My parents taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My parents taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My parents taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father/mother!"

My parents taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My parents taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father/mother gets home."

My parents taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU
..then you'll see what it's like."

 

COMPUTER PROBLEM:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during
system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. Ican not seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

ANSWER:
This is very a common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high in maintenance costs. 

Medical notes -These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgo...

The patient has no previous history of suicide.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING

AOCDRNDICG TO RSCHEEARCH AT CMABRIGDE UINERVTISY, IT DSENO'T MTAETR WAHT OERDR THE LTTERES IN A WROD ARE, THE OLNY IPROAMTNT TIHNG IS TAHT THE FRSIT AND LSAT LTEETR BE IN THE RGHIT PCLAE. TIHS IS BCUSEAE THE HUAMN MNID DEOS NOT RAED ERVEY LTETER BY ISTLEF, BUT THE WROD AS A WLOHE. IF YOU CAN RAED TIHS, PSOT IT TO YUOR WLAL. OLNY 55% OF PLEPOE CAN