Metamorphosis!

Looking forwards to another (last) Harry Potter installment.  My kids grew up with him and I enjoyed every one of the books/movies.  It is just great when a series actually gets to the end an actually finishes a story.  I'm quite sure that there will be more stories coming from Rowling.  I hope they are as good...

Google is changing your brain to be more dependent on the internet! We are going through a metamorphosis on how our brain organizes data, and what is decides to remember- the data or how to access it on the internet.

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine
suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers
you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur
and all.

Then he takes me out for a dinner.  Marvelous dinner. Lobster
even. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it
so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming
back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with
him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Things My Parents Taught Me

My parents taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My parents taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My parents taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My parents taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My parents taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My parents taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My parents taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My parents taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My parents taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father/mother!"

My parents taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My parents taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father/mother gets home."

My parents taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU
..then you'll see what it's like."

 

COMPUTER PROBLEM:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during
system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. Ican not seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

ANSWER:
This is very a common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high in maintenance costs. 

Medical notes -These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgo...

The patient has no previous history of suicide.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING

AOCDRNDICG TO RSCHEEARCH AT CMABRIGDE UINERVTISY, IT DSENO'T MTAETR WAHT OERDR THE LTTERES IN A WROD ARE, THE OLNY IPROAMTNT TIHNG IS TAHT THE FRSIT AND LSAT LTEETR BE IN THE RGHIT PCLAE. TIHS IS BCUSEAE THE HUAMN MNID DEOS NOT RAED ERVEY LTETER BY ISTLEF, BUT THE WROD AS A WLOHE. IF YOU CAN RAED TIHS, PSOT IT TO YUOR WLAL. OLNY 55% OF PLEPOE CAN

Cramming!

I used to think that all the evil in the world lived in oil companies and banks, but now you can add telephone companies to the list.  Apparently there are over $2 billion unauthorized telephone charges that the companies are sticking us with.  It is called "cramming".  Many people just pay the bill they get, I don't.

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, *Mr* MacDonald walked in."

She was only a...
PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

WELDER'S daughter but she had acetylene tits.

SaleIt was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I will not open the damn store!"

 

FREEMIUMS?

It is a major transformation- a coup an an extremely major scale.  Who would think that a whole new  stream of revenue from out-of-the-blue.  Imagine convincing the populace that they want to pay us to take personal information such a buying and spending trends a create a market to sell the information for focused marketing.  We will cover most of the populate in only a few short years by enticing people to utilize handheld feed devices (i.e. smart phones) that allow  us to gather all the information we need.  The service providers have made it so easy to get a smart phone (could be free) with only a two year contract to pay them back (we think for the phone, but the info is worth more than the phone).  It is becoming as impossible to find a non-smart phone as it was two years ago to find a phone without a camera!  The apps (for enticement) are too numerous to elaborate on, but basically provide for every user need (while taking what they need). 
I feel like I have harped and harped and even pontificated on the process of paying (actually twice) to be ripped off.  I don't think many of you are paying attention and think that I'm paranoid.
Fleecebook is providing the same enticements in a different form and still ripping our privacy away by the roots.  At lease there are some news stories discussing the process and that Fleecebook is losing its earlier luster. 
What about "FREEMIUMS"?  Have you ever considered why they provide them ?  Just as 'smart' phones are smart for their providers, free merchandise or services are only a means to get your feet in the proverbial spending doorway.  An example occurred yesterday, on 7/11, the 7-Eleven stores give away free Slurpees which increased their business significantly last year.  Who goes in to get a cookie or chips and doesn't want a free Slurpee?  That combination will surely appeal again before the year finishes, but this time, you'll pay for your snack AND your Slurpee.  What they REALLY should do is make Slurpees ALWAYS free.  That would cause buyers to come to 7-Eleven ALL year over other stores without the offer...

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

"Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

The heart attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Pray Away the Gay?

What happens to the rear window memorial script on Latino cars when they sell their car and get another?  Do they get it applied again or have they had it long enough ? [I have always wondered about that.]


What happens when people that are overly tattooed or pierced apply for a job [maybe that doesn't happen]?  I'm just wondering what impact those people have on the unemployment rate....I mean, those that are unemployable.


Give me a break!  Michell Bachmann has a clinic where you "pray away the gay"!  That is the way to GET ELECTED.  She is shooting herself in the foot.  We knew she was an extremist, but not quite how far out....

Hurricanes

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...
Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wordup, muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
Pythagorean theorem:................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:......................................66 words.
Archimedes' Principle:..............................67 words.
10 Commandments:...................................179 words.
Gettysburg address:................................286 words.
Declaration of Independence :....................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:..........7,818 words.
US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:...26,911 words.

SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?????

And I don’t like cabbage  

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary; alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter; and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund that lasts until you realize it was your money in the first place.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan, in the form of a mosquito, gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



  

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door while wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.  

More Privacy Erosion...

So even when I buy something in person, I am giving up some privacy.  Some retailers are trying to send purchase receipts via email instead of giving a printed receipt.  This means, of course, that they have my email address AND what I bought as a start for focused marketing- all with the guise of going green- saving a tree, et cetera.  We'd actually be better off if we didn't get a receipt!  Our privacy is being eroded by ever so small amounts and eventually we won't have any...

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.
Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum_body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won.” 

Texan Answer to Welfare

There are people who genuinely are totally unable to work & need government assistance. This isn’t for them. This is for those I recently heard called "government handout addicts."

From: Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX

Put me in charge of :

FOOD STAMPS. Get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash
for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice, beans, cheese & all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak & frozen pizza, then get a job.

MEDICAID. Get women birth control & men condoms (for free). Test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, & nicotine, document all tattoos &
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

GOVERNMENT HOUSING. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Either present a check stub from a job weekly or
report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting & repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.. We will sell your 22 inch rims & low profile tires, your blasting stereo & speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Realize that all of this is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules... Before you say this would be "demeaning" and ruin "self esteem," consider that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing is demeaning and lowers self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices, instead of rewarding them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND while on Govt subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that
is correct. It would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Govt welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Sarah Plain Quiet?

Notice how quiet Sarah Palin has been lately?  It appears as though another Bat CHain Puller, Michelle Bachmann is making enough "pay attention to GOP candidates" news that the formerly "G"OP doesn't currently need "Igniter" Palin to operate.  Will Palin still decide to run, and provide us with the "girl-ongirl" mudslinging that we all want to read?  Does Bachmann even have a CHANCE to get the nomination given her extremisms?  Stay tuned...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 
Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

The Paradigms Shift: Another Era Ends

The Shuttles' last launch. This is definitely the end of an era.  Not only have we left the future of space exploration up-in-the-air (so to speak), but we are dependent on the Russians to support the space station.  It just injures my American pride to be dependent.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Someone Flunked Presentation 101....

An immature, inexperienced and uneducated geek can't make a viable presentation.  Hmmmmm, I wonder why people are expecting any more from Zuck?  Why isn't he paying a s=huge salary to someone to create one for him ?

So the current generation is beginning to use watches again instead of looking at their panacean smart phone.  I am truly amazed!

A young cowboy from Amarillo goes off to Texas A&M. Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Old Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Old Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Old Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left College Station to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Old Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman .

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, .. I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

In a bar...
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a Lawyer too. "

Your Privacy is For Sale!

It certainly appears as though Zuck would just as soon not have any of his users EVER leave Fleecebook.  By recreating all the features that one normally has, while on the net, into Fleecebook in an AOL-like interface, Zuck hopes that you will reveal as much as possible to his data mining (that he can sell, of course) by staying signed on.  His latest GREATEST feature is to incorporate Skype from within Fleecebook.   Do I REALLY want his data mining looking and listening to my phone calls (or Skype calls) as well ??

What a big mistake!  Next year, Indiana schools will stop teaching cursive writing!  We are very fast becoming totally dependent on technology.  Soon kids will be asking what a ballpoint pen is for !!!  I was hoping that we could stave off the Singularity a bit longer, but it appears as though strides are occurring in the wrong direction... These poor kids won't be able to sign their name or write a check or even write a grocery list!

As I have been telling you for many months; all of your shopping habits are being sold to focused marketers.  The banks are charging you to give them the data that they resell.  It makes no sense to me....  Your privacy is leaking away...  

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you know, I have extremely smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be revolted by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.


Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks,

"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've eaten one of my socks!"

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Remember, passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ -- NO CHEATING  
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
(Trick question. The Canary Islands are in the Atlantic!)
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?

Amazingly Enough...

The collection of Bat Chain Pullers from the formerly "G"OP are still in disarray, but Romney is still leading the pack.  Bachmann is still struggling to gain support.  I'm still predicting that Palin will not run, mainly to avoid the bloodbath with Bachmann, but I do believe that she has realized that she doesn't have a chance. 

Garage sale:
So that you'll never be tempted to participate in a "neighborhood garage sale," allow me to explain how they go:

Friday night you're up until two in the morning marking prices on all the junk you're hoping people will buy. At this point you're almost psychotically optimistic, calculating the total value of your "inventory" at slightly over twenty-two thousand dollars. In particular, you're hoping to rid yourself of a hideous lamp constructed from a stars-and-stripes motorcycle helmet like the one Peter Fonda wore in Easy Rider, and you give it a bargain price of $22. Last year's tag is still clinging to the chin strap; it reads $18.

The garage sale is scheduled to begin at 9:00am. At 6:30 a woman awakens you by pounding on your door. "I like to get an early start," she dimples. When you open the garage door to let her in, there are seven cars in your driveway.

By 11:30 all you've sold is a T-shirt for ten cents. Worse, your daughter borrowed twenty bucks so she could go shopping at the neighbors' garage sales. You mark the motorcycle helmet lamp down to $18.

At noon you leave the operation in your son's hands and go inside to get some lunch. A stranger is in your bathroom, trying on clothes. Another wants to know if you have "any more cake."

When you return to the garage, you find your son ecstatic because he has sold a whole set of garden tools-shovel, axe, rake, spade--for fifty cents each. You sadly advise him that they weren't for sale in the first place. "I wondered why there were no price tags," he replies.

You look around. "Where's my new bicycle?" you gasp, horrified. Your son tells you one of the neighbor kids is out taking it for a "test drive."

A little later one of your neighbors shows up to see how you're doing. "Hey, this Easy Rider lamp is a hoot!" he chuckles. "How much?"

"Since you're a friend, twenty-five bucks," you gush.

"The tag says eighteen," he points out.

"Okay, eighteen."

"I'll give you seventy-five cents."

"Sold!"

It's the high point of the day. Around one there's another rush: Word has gotten out you're selling garden tools for half a buck each. "I'll give you a dollar for your lawnmower," one shopper suggests. You ask him to leave. A woman picking through the books you're selling wants to know if you have anything by Carl Hiassen. When you tell her no, she asks if she can "look inside." You ask her to leave. When you step into the house a few minutes later, your son is showing your ties to the man who ate all your cake. "Why don't you check out some of the other sales," you suggest to both of them.

Your neighbor calls. "My wife says I can't keep this lamp," he reports. "I'll have to bring it back."

"All sales are final," you snap.

"Come on, Bruce," he whines. "You can keep the money."

"If you set foot in my driveway, I'll call the police," you warn.

You observe a young man slinking over to the collection of National Geographics you've priced at a dime apiece. He looks a little like a thief, and you wonder how fast he's going to be able to run with eighty pounds of magazines under each arm. "This is my first garage sale, and I'm a little nervous," he informs you.

"That's okay."

"I heard on the radio about this guy who bought what looked like a worthless rock collection, and in it was a sapphire worth two million dollars," he remarks.

"Oh?" you say politely.

"You got anything like that?"

At 6:00pm the sale is over. It's difficult to calculate your take for the day because at some point you apparently sold the cash box. The thought of re-stocking all your stuff back inside the house is too fatiguing, and you begin transferring it directly to the trash can. Your son bursts in, effusive over some of the great stuff he's bought. "Look Dad, only three bucks! Now we have a matched set!" he trumpets, flourishing his prize.

It is, of course, the motorcycle helmet lamp.

The Main Differences
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

Take Back Your Liberty

Have a happy and safe Independence Day....

The Flag
By Bud Stuart

 

What Flag is this?
This flag we see.
This flag that
Stands for Liberty.

A symbol that
Where ‘ere unfurled,
Brings hope to millions
‘Round this world.

It holds three colors.
The first is red.
For all the precious
Blood's been shed.

The other stripes
Of white ensure,
A purity
We pray endures.

The field of blue,
For you and me,
Gives hope that ever
Our skies are free.

And on that field,
Those stars of white,
Will bring us hope
Both day and night.

So lift your eyes
And lift your hearts,
Behold your flag
In all it's parts.

A flag that to us
Freedom sings.
A flag that gives
Our country wings.

To fly into
A future long.
To face that future
Free and strong.

Come join with me
In brave salute,
This flag where
Liberty took root.

Advertising Mistakes

2 female Boston Terrier puppies 7 wks old, Perfect markings 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it! Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Mt. Kilimanjaro is the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit = One. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross provided. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Introducing the Superstore! Unequaled in size Unmatched in variety Unrivaled inconvenience You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Service...

Yesterday we went looking at cameras for Terre's birthday present.  She just about had it picked, but wanted to check out the variety at Best Buy.  The cameras are tethered to some "don't-steal-this" steel cables that you can just about lift to your eye-level to look at the camera's display.  Terre picked up a few that she was interested in, but they wouldn't power up.  I searched (almost in vain) for someone that worked there to help.  He told us that not all of the cameras were powered because they are missing a power cable link.  Terre then picked up one with the power cable link and it still wouldn't power up.  The "helper" couldn't explain that.  
So here we are facing one of America's largest dilemmas.  You cannot BUY customer service anymore!  How does this store expect to sell any cameras, by their looks- or their promise of features?  Why do people lament the ma-and-pa stores closing.  Isn't it because they can go there and get a demo of the product with useful recommendations?  Sure their prices may not be as good, but then again they don't sell as many.   Many people go to their last remaining ma-and-pa store to get their demo and then go to the big department store to get their price.  This is really a shame.  The ma-and-pa stores will soon be extinct, by this practice.
Part of the problem is that employees are not particularly assigned to a specific department, so they REALLY never learn about their products. Secondly, they are not paid well enough on the store's low profit margin to stay employed they for a long enough period to accomplish the task.  Thirdly, and most importantly, they REALLY don't care whether you buy there or not.
When we had decided that we had enough, I located a supervisor-type at the Best Buy and explained to him why they have lost our sale.  He was apologetic, but all bets are that nothing will change in that department- at all.
So an interesting trend is beginning: Best Buy is starting to create smaller stores that focus on particular products.  It this the return of the ma-and-pa type of store? This has yet to be seen, but I'd say that it is a move in the right direction- and perhaps one in which you might see the return of "service". 

Albertson's Market(SuperValu) has started something new in their store, that so far is unannounced. They have created small "vertical" areas in the cleaning products isle, and at least one or two others.  What I mean by "vertical" is a section that covers all the shelves from top to bottom.  In the cleaning products isle, this area contains a variety of products that are brands that I have never seen OR brands I haven't seen for lo-ong time, like "Rinso".  These products are priced at a can't-go-wrong level of one dollar apiece.  I bought a few, and they are just as good as the ADVERTISED brands.  This got me to thinking: if they can sell these products for such a low price, how much profit is there really on those brands that are heavily advertised and coupon-ed to death?  My point here, is that we are subsidizing the advertising and coupons by the high prices.  What would happen if we just STOPPED BUYING THEM? As an example, try to watch daytime TV without seeing an ad for Tide or Febreeze (Proctor & Gamble) or Windex or Pledge (S.C. Johnson).  We HATE those commercials but we subsidize them by buying their products and using their coupons.

Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Okay, so why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!" 

So Zuck is planning "something awesome" for Fleecebook NEXT WEEK.  Why is he telling us about it beforehand ?  In the past, he has just dropped new features on us by making them DEFAULT to each account.  You can bet that whatever this new feature is, it will benefit Fleecebook more than us.  With his record, how can we trust him or Fleecebook at all?

SO what is the story with the fast food guys and the big coffee guy going into the bar business?  Sonic (formerly Drive-In), Burger King and Starbucks are going into the beer and wine business.  So lets see, we make the happy meal for kids less desirable by cutting back on the toys to attract them and giving them healthier foods- but they don't sell as well.  How about an adult happy meal, with booze to boot!  This may go over in very select venues, but mainstream- fuggetaboutit!

"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take
advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that
you can seriously injure yourself."
- Dave Barry

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.