Fixing Ourselves

Perhaps the first and one of the most important moves that the gubmint can make to help create jobs is to stop itself from buying foreign made products.  I am speaking of military, postal, national parks, federal museums (and gift stores) and all other acquisitions.  Mebbie Motorola or Apple don't make the best cell phones and Dell, Apple or HP don't make the best computers, but they deserve the gubmint's business(at all levels).  Now granted, that would be a big step.  Next on the list is to REQUIRE a large percentage of every product be American made.  It is very difficult to find items that are TOTALLY made from American parts or that is EVEN assembled here.  Putting some restrictions on what the gubmint CAN procure has got to be the easiest to accomplish.  BTW, how did that big Air Force acquisition of refueler planes ever get offered to Airbus anyway ???  I used to have a rule-of-thumb that I would buy the best that I could for what I could afford, hence the two Hondas that I own.  These cars were both manufactured here, and may have American parts, but at least they were assembled by Americans.  Given the choices that I have today, I would most probably go with a Ford.  Unfortunately, there may be a lot of foreign made parts in the Big Three's cars, as well.  
All of the companies try to remain competitive, price wise, and must incorporate parts from wherever in order to remain in business.  Theoretically, this will get better, as we encourage more Americans to stretch their dollars and support American manufacturing.

EXERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you
with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky
down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard
and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck
up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your
smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to
seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist
with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with
a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat
tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

Pay, Pay, Pay...

BEWARE:  The smart(spy)phone data collectors are at it again.  Many more retailers are jumping on the bandwagon to use QR (Quick Response) codes to collect your private data.  The LA Times reports:

"For privacy advocates, however, QRs are one more source of concern. That's because the codes don't just impart information, they can also collect data on where and when a QR was scanned. They can, in some cases, even latch on to the phone user's name, age and other personal information.

"Theoretically, over time companies can build up their database and amass a collection of information that leads to a profile of who I am and what I buy," said Julie Ask, a mobile marketing analyst at Forrester."

Remember, the only thing "smart" about a smart phone is how the service provider and its subscribers can use its capabilities to get information about the user.  All the other conveniences and niceties of the appliance (smartphone), come with major baggage and subversive byproducts.  Meanwhile, the service providers are raking in the bucks every time you use one of their "collection" features AND you are paying premium fees to boot, to let them do this to you!!!  How "SMART" can that be????

Suppose you drive by a a for sale sign in front of a home that you might be interest in.  In the past, given that you had not been directed here by a realtor, or saw an ad about the place; there would usually be a fact sheet in a box attached to the sign.  This would have some pertinent information about the features and price of the house.  Now some realtor in the Chicago area have put QR codes on their sign, so if you have a smart phone with the right app, you can immediately go to their website and see pertinent information as well as videos of the interior and grounds.  Sounds convenient, advantageous, et cetera.  When you took a fact sheet, if you had enough interest, you would call the realtor.  When you processed the QR code, not only did you see all the promotional stuff, but the realtor got your name, phone number, and God only knows what other information INSTANTLY from your smartphone.  GET READY FOR A CALL BACK!

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately" 

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"  

Only In Florida....Ya just can't make this stuff up!!

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Taped to the box was this note:  "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister.

No hard feelings. Have a nice day. 

OOGLE

BUT WHY? Chinese scientists have genetically modified dairy cows to produce human breast milk, and hope to be selling it in supermarkets within three years. This is beyond my understanding....

What we need is an OOGLE App to prevent Weinergates before they start.... Annabelle Gurwich of the Huffington Post poses that all smartphones should have this app to preserve your current station in life.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.


This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Sign of the times

In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!)

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in GRASS VALLEY, CA. it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man...
What do you see nurses? . . ... . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . .  when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ..... . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . .. . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. . . ..... . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .. . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . ..... . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . ..... . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . ... . ... who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .. my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . .... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . ... . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . ..... . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . .. . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . ...... and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . ... . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . ... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . ... . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . ... . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . ... . . Look closer . .. . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

We will all, one day, be there, too!


Sign in Alaska...

How come...

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Life Explained...
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty yea rs... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. 

The River
A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

The sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader, stood very cautiously and announced with a smile -- nearly laughing. "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather At The River." 


A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he turns to her and says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV. 

Liver Mush?

Very high on my Yuck meter:  The latest "old" treat to come to light is North Carolina's Liver Mush.  Why couldn't they even come up with a misleading-to-the-actual-contents name? I was brought up on organ meats like kidney, hearts,  thymus (sweatbreads) and liver, and parts of the steer, pig and lamb that we even recognized; like tongue and tripe.  It was never foisted upon me as a cheap means to get meat protein, or a stomach filler consisting mostly of corn mush.  I'm really not surprised that there are local ethnic and traditional food still available.  I AM surprised though, that they (in particular, this one) is so popular!

More fuel for the Bank of Idiots fire over invalid foreclosures.  This guy owed $0.00 and BOA decided to foreclose.  Gimme a break!  Apparently between Wall Street and BOA, the idiots are keeping employed...

So Zuck has rolled out another new feature on Fleecebook to aid in stripping another layer of privacy.  The feature will scan pictures that are on your page and attempt, through facial recognition. to label who is in the picture.  Of course, this feature is ON by default.  Anonymity no longer exists on Fleecebook.  Anyone that can see your page, can see your pictures  and the names of who appears in them, correct or not.  This is bad for all concerned.

People in Russia must have nasty toilet habits or that is where they run when there is a bomb threat!  They have now developed "Bomb Proof" toilets!

I think I'm in the wrong profession.  I think that there is REAL money in a Clearinghouse for politicians' tweets and e-mails.  The service would receive them and filter out the ones that would KILL YOUR CAREER!

Why Why Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

You know you're in California when . .

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember..... is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 830 at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Hey!!!! Is pot illegal????
Both you AND your dog have therapists
Your power goes off before you finish reading thi.............. 

"Weiner-Gate"?

So all day I am reading that Weiner should resign or not.  He's the guy that sent a lewd (?)picture of himself to woman in Seattle, but manage to do it wrong and broadcast it on Twitter instead.  First when he realized what he had done, he tried to lie and tell everyone that he'd been hacked.  If that was true, where did the picture come from?  Then when he realized that he was living "Weiner-gate", he admitted that he'd sent it, but he is sorry.  Unfortunately, "sorry" doesn't cut it. First, if you accept that he lied and nothing happens as a result of it, then you are ready to accept more lies. Secondly, his wife, who is the chief of staff for Hillary at the State Department, is certainly embarrassed.  Did she accept his apology?  And who is this woman in Seattle?  IMHO, this guy (as well as this marriage) has got SERIOUS problems.  He is now going to get investigated by the House Ethics committee.  They will find SOMETHING.  I'd bet on it.
Just suppose, though, that he used his smart phone frequently and that information WAS stolen from his phone and then sent over Twitter.  We should ALL realize that we are at the mercy of technology and it is ALWAYS looking for us to make a mistake....

In the News: Nancy Pelosi has announced "Congressman Weiner isn't the big man we thought he was, we're looking into it." Pictures at 11:00

How to change your oil-

WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Cost: $29.99 oil change, $2.00 coffee. Total $32.00

MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner (don't forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50.
2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00.
3. Drive home with oil and beer.
4. Open beer, enjoy it.
5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.
6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid's pedal car, jack the car up.
7. Open another beer, drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16" box end wrench for drain plug
10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear.
13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil.
14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench.
16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off.
17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter. 
18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer.
19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.
20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine.
21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It's still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan.
22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor.
23. Open another beer and drink it.
24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer.
25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench, but this time, it's slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug.
26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn't let stay in the house).
27. Open another beer and drink it.
28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow.
29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil.
30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it.
31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas.
32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn't leak.
33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI.
34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman.
35. Next day, get car out of impound yard.
Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum. Total $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)
  

Men's rules women should learn
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.


 

More Bat Chain Pullers and the Bank of Idiots...

Stealing a line from Randy Jackson of American Idol, yet another (relatively unknown publicly) Bat Chain Puller enters the fray as Santorum claims "He is in it to win it!".  This guy is popular among extreme social conservatives who prefer his strong anti-abortion stance and opposition to gay marriage and embryonic stem cell research.  The Bible Belters will have their candidate, but does he REALLY have a chance where the electoral votes live?

Here is a letter to Alec Baldwin that I feel should be repeated....

Here is a solution to the mtg/ foreclosur­e problem. Take the houses that Freddie Mac /Fannie Mae own and gradually raffle them off. Put one house per county up for raffle at a time. If a Mtg. is $250,000, sell $500,000 worth of raffle tickets. The first $250,000 goes to making the loan whole. The remaining monies would be split by the 30% to each local, state, and federal govts and the last 10% for the overhead of the raffle. This would aid in the deficits reductions at each level of government­. Speed up the liquidatio­n of excess homes on the market. Add Liquidity into the retail market because the winner now owns a home that has no mortgage, freeing up monies for retail purchases and renovation­s.  [rfmaneater]

THIS IS GREAT!  A couple pays cash for a house, and Bank of America (Idiots) tries to foreclose on it!  Later they drop the proceedings, but do not cough up the legal fees.  This couple seized the assets of the local branch!  GOOD FOR THEM!!!

Apple announced its iCloud system today so that users can store/retrieve their files from the Apple server.  Let us hope that THIS cloud has a silver lining rather than black.  How safe do we think their server is?  Will they data-mine the files or are they encrypted and private?  The DEVIL is in the DETAILS.  By the way, are expecting to be connected ALL THE TIME to the internet so that we can access these files?  Would I EVER want a local copy?  Are we REALLY moving towards the Google Chrome paradigm, where we DON'T HAVE ANY LOCAL STORAGE?

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OLD SUCKS
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year old. "When you're
seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00."  

 

Beware of QR Codes

BEWARE:  Many more small businesses are trying to take advantage of QR codes by placing them on their advertisements, whether electronic or printed.  This is a very good idea for them as it sends you to their website, if you have a smart(spy)phone and you take advantage.  The key thing to remember is that it is NOT one way.  When you use your app to decipher the 2D barcode and apply it, your information (more than likely) goes to the website as it  is opened.  At a minimum, they get your ID and phone number, so they can continue to text you ads and coupons.  What you cannot tell is just HOW MUCH of your information was transferred to them and what they will do with it.

If you haven't seen this article, the gubmint has declassified portions of the Area 51 documents and National Geographic is publishing the pictures (and see here also) with a story in an upcoming issue.  All this is obviously very interesting, but I see NO MENTION of any extra-terrestrial information, particularly the Roswell incident.

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

Funny Business Signs
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

Did you hear that Lady Ga-Ga adopted a baby? Do you want to know what it's name is? BABY GOO-GOO-GA-GA

Thinking outside of the Box
Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgot the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story.
The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers. What would you recommend the girl do?
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked." Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

Treasure of the Knights of the Golden Circle

Give me a break, puhleeze!
Palin manages to piss-off yet another group. She showed up to her New York engagement wearing a star of David.  Will this get her votes?  I think not.  Not to worry though, as we will all be saved in the next election by God himself's choice, Michelle Bachmann (snicker).  

The claim is that Palin is an unpredictable problem for the formerly"G"OP, but I'm betting that they are financing her shenanigans, whether she runs or not, she get more attention (good or bad) than anyone else except (big mouthed) Trump.

We watched The Mechanic last evening.  It was full of action, not much emotion.  Acting was flat, but you always watch these kind of movies to see the action.

We also watched a show on TV about the Knights of the Golden Circle.  Supposedly during the Civil War there were about $20 million in gold and silver (Confederate funds for war supplies) that never made it to their destination. Somewhere along the path from point A to point B, the funds disappeared or as the lore goes, the KGC hid the money somewhere.  The story covered the treasure hunters that have only found part of the treasure.  Also it discussed the possibility and feasibility that Lincoln's assassination was part of a conspiracy funded by the KGC.  They are a secret society that conceivably still exists today.  It was a very interesting show.

Tongue Twisters
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

You're Drunk When
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in

As I read more and more about Palin and her Bus Tour, I have realized that there are many more reasons that I would not vote to put her in office.  Besides all the obvious ones, I just don't trust her.  I believe she is secretive and subversive. That may be because of the way that the  "lamestream media" paints her, but I doubt it. 

Pearls of Wisdom:

• Money can't buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
• Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
• Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
• Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
• Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then, neither does milk.

Ten Words That Don't Exist But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
 
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Things You Would Never Hear A Redneck Say

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how
much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've
wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening:

40. Oh, I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You ALL.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say.......
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight

Alternative USA State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !

The Real Meaning Behind Personal Ad Abreviations

FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer 

Buy American- 'Cause We Have To

If you REALLY are wondering why you should go out of your way and pay more for everyday products just to support BUYING AMERICAN PRODUCTS, read this great article by Stephanie Adams on TAP (see link# 13 at right).   We must all realize that every bit helps to create a demand, once again, for AMERICAN goods.  If you have issues figuring out where to buy or what is remaining as AMERICAN goods, here is a list of manufacturers and links to their products.  Remember for every dollar you spend on AMERICAN goods, you help to create a need, which creates a job, which aids the economy.  TAKE BACK AMERICA!!


On the same note, American's need to refocus on making the best product possible and forget about their profit projections to the share holders.  The companies won't continue to exist if the the market for our products doesn't improve.  The only way that that can happen is to produce a product that is innovative and of higher quality than I can get for equivalent monies elsewhere.  NAFTA doesn't work and neither do free trade agreements.  No matter how good or cheap the product is; if it is imported there needs to be a surtax to put it on a level playing field.  If China wants to continue to play, let them open up factories on our soil, employ our workers, and sell to AMERICANS without having their products imported.  This will force a more level playing field here and create many jobs.  Perhaps the highest import surtaxes should be put on Mexican imports.  The Japanese, Koreans and Germans have built factories here already and the process continues to work.  I don't have any problem owning two Hondas because they were built here by AMERICANS and for AMERICANS.  They are high quality products, no better or worse than those built in the countries of the factory's owners....

Interesting that Romney's new mission (since he tossed his hat in the ring today) is to "change perceptions".  This implies that he is NOT going to REALLY change anything except the perceptions of those things...  He has made changes to his stances to be more compatible with a candidate that can get votes, but is he a chameleon that will changes as-needed to please ?  He IS the front-runner for the nomination, but who would he pick for his running mate- Huckabee (who recently stated that he would like to be VP) or Palin (that would allow him to remain mostly OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT) ?

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller 

Brain Cramps..

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. 


That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman