Zuck -> G8,

Categorize this as one of the most unnecessary and undesirable products:  They now have sandwiches in a can (called Candwiches).  This must be the chosen food for Bat Chain Pullers worldwide (or at least when there no roadkill available)!

If ya'll are lookin' for the simpler life, here is a purty good retirement home....

Ever wonder about the statistics that they capture in Fleecebook?  Here they tell you EXACTLY what kind of people use it and what for...  "And yet if Facebook is our guide, I'd say our cultural norms have remained intact. We continue to value professionalism. We find great rewards in human relationships -- and most of us try to exit them honorably."  The one that REALLY sticks in my craw is #6.  Except for the fact that Fleecebook is out to fleece us, the defaults for #6 should be the opposite.

This is REALLY unfortunate for the country.  I guess Trump ended his foray into politics just a little too soon.  The vortex of his possible political career going down the drain has now sucked Palin back into the fray.  Unfortunate, as well, as Bat Chain Pullers go, she is right behind Romney in popularity.  We probably haven't seen the end of her Bat Chain Pulling days yet- even though most of wish that we had. One question which I cannot answer is whether she is being egged on by Tea Partiers or mud stirrers from the formerly "G"OP....

 Apparently nobody of reasonable intelligence was available to go to the G8 conference in Europe to discuss the Internet, so they asked Zuck.  There was more discussion about the "Social Network" movie and Zuck says he didn't "Like" it.  I'll bet he didn't "Like" it because it may have been a bit too real and painted him like an obsessed and immature jerk (perhaps because he may be obsessed and immature). 

I guess some people are REALLY not ready-for-prime-time on Fleecebook.   It's true that it takes all kinds, but unfortunately there is no training class to acquire a little CLASS at posting on Fleecebook.  If you are REALLY curious at how many ways you can FAIL, read this....

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. 

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min, a beer shortens your life by 4 minutes, a working day shortens your life by 8 hours! 

Two Scandinavian young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?" Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too." Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!" 

Bat Chain Pullers

So how many Bat Chain Pullers does the GOP have to throw into the fray?  Palin, Gingrich, Huntsman, Romney, Paul, ....  Do any of them even have a chance to get the nomination?  Let's see, the requirements read as such: 1) breathing, 2) low number of skeletons, 3) Republican, 4) Nobody remembers when you last pissed off someone important.  Would the GOP throw away millions just to have any candidate?  My point is, why bother?  If you're going to lose anyway, why bother ?

I never could understand why European countries give their workers a month to six weeks vacation but we are stuck with two weeks and it grows very slowly from there.  Whatever happened to a work-life balance?  Even when American workers GET a vacation, much of it is spent on a computer dealing with things back at the office.  Why is it that it doesn't work here?  In Europe everything shuts down for some long period of time.  Here everything keeps marching along because we stagger our vacations instead of them all happening simultaneously.  I guess I would like to experience the other way to see if I like it better, BUT on the surface it sounds just wonderful (I guess the English would call it a "proper holiday").

Redneckers...

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee? Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary. What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and famous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned down? Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee? I-40

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive" The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"

Ever wonder....
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Their Old Ways Are Still In Motion...

So I've been getting this call for about two weeks now, at least once a day from a area code in Missouri. When I answer the phone, there is a pregnant pause and then they ask for someone I never heard of.  I tell them that they are calling the wrong number because there is nobody here by that name.  They didn't identify themselves and hung up before I could find out anymore information.  I wrote to Edhat to see if anybody else locally was being bugged by the same caller, and sure enough it is Citi Mortgage. Apparently a few other readers were also bugged.  I decided to call the number back and all I got was a recording with another number to call.  I called it and after umpteen button selections, got a live person.  I asked him to get his supervisor.  I explained the situation to the supervisor and was assured that my number would be removed from the call list.  Of course, that doesn't account for the others that are also getting calls.  So hopefully I will have a call free day tomorrow.  I repeated this story here to show that in spite of all the OTHER ways that marketers have figured to plunder us, the old ways are still in motion!

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Medical Terms

A wife pursued her husband to visit his doctor as he was not been able to do all the things around the house, like he used to. So, after the clinical investigation...

Man: Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, in plain English, you're just lazy!

Man: Okay, now give me the medical term that I can tell my wife. 

A man is traveling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg. This rouses his curiosity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbors and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveler, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvelous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconscious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveler, mystified, replied "That is a wondrous thing, but... how'd the pig get a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you... one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me
mouth to mouth resuscitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveler, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but... how'd he get the wooden leg?!" The farmer replied, "A marvelous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that... at least not all at once." 

Directed Thinking: Oh No!

Are we ready to live in a world filtered by Big Brother?  Because the internet biggies (Gaggle, Fleecebook, Microshaft, and Yippee) think that they know each and every one of us by the data we allowed to be collected, they will adapt out search results to fit our perceived desires.  I for one am not ready for a filtered world.  This is an affront to our Democracy and our right as citizens.  Now maybe you think I've jumped off a short pier into oblivion, but let me give you some details.  At first when we do a search of a location such as Paris, the engines will adjust our results to include various candy and pastry shops because we have previously indicated a "Like" for that kind of information.  Before you know it, the news will be slanted to exclude particular views because of our political and ideological affections.  This is beyond annoying.  It really means that I can no longer learn about the world as a whole, to later make up my own mind as to what is right and wrong.  They (royal) are going to do that for me and only tell me what they think is correct based on whatever they think they know about me.  This is REALLY WRONG.  It is one thing to use this for directed marketing, but now they are using the information to redirect our thoughts and predilections.  I won't accept that.

Here is the REAL TRUTH about the current state of the internet.... I would put it here, but there is a copyright on the contents...

THIS BALONEY JUST IN:  In case you were expecting something more spectacular last weekend: Harold Camping says now that the rapture DID occur, but nobody was worth saving...

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here!" he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

End Of The World Postponed...

'May 22, 2011 - To No End

So the world didn't end yesterday. It didn't even rest, or stop for a crossing pedestrian. And whether we think that the Earth is spinning out of control, off its axis, or over-heating, we all know that it would take a firm place to stand and long lever to change its course. You can't make things happen just by saying so on the radio, you know.

So now that we have made it past May 21, 2011, there's a lot to think about - things like what a bad idea it was not paying your utility bill last month. And maybe you shouldn't have gotten that tattoo. But you really aren't in a world of trouble. As Ed always says, "It's better to be late with the rent than late for dinner."' - Edhat

Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry." 

I couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't...

Under the category: "ASK ME IF I GIVE A RAT'S ASS...": Why would I care what Sarah Palin's ringtone is or what she was told to say (by the formerly "G" OP) about Obama's Israel speech?  Bottom line: We all (for the most part) care less about what comes out of Palin's mouth now than we did when she was running for VP.  Keeping herself in the news will NEVER give us a warm-fuzzy feeling that she has any original thoughts or is capable of them...There went the neighborhood, as Palin buys a house in Scottsdale!

If you are foolish enough to spend time on Fleecebook, here are nine blatant ways for you to lose [money, identity, security on your computer, ...].

If you couldn't come up with any Rapture Jokes don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect..

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf. 

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.. 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 

Graphene...

CAVEAT EMPTOR: Why is it that some things are really inordinately priced?  Here is an example:  Have you ever looked at those automatically retracting leashes (compliments of China)?  In the pet store, they start at about $30 and go up to about $60.  The more expensive model has a flashlight and a container of poop bags.  However convenient, but way overpriced for a thin leash, spool, spring and two plastic halves of a handle.  Maybe this is a bad example, but those prices hold in Target or Kmart, as well.  So are they trying to take advantage of pet owner that are obsessive for their pets?  Why is it that Harbor Freight Tools can sell the same units (albeit repackaged) for only $5.99 ?  People that come in to buy tools are NOT looking for pet stuff in that store, so any purchase is just happenstance. They are still making profit on that item, so you can only imagine the profit margin in pet stores (and in this case pet stuff in department stores).  I'm very sure that there are many other examples of focused markets that are very advantageous for the buyer in an unfocused setting.

I am a contest "enterer".  I am annoyed enough today that I will not be entering this contest. Tiger Direct is a website that always have good contests- good because of the prizes (not that I've ever won one).  Their latest (and perhaps previously, but my first exposure) has a button to press to enter.  It throws you into Fleecebook and to continue, you have to click their "Like" button (and sign up for Facebook, if you are not a member).  This is not only an annoyance, but I am appalled that this company wants to push their "Like" statistics because they have a contest where unsuspecting fools are pushing "Like" to enter.  I will not give Fleecebook the satisfaction of me buying or entering any contests though this means.  More and more retailers are pushing buying while on Fleecebook.  People are always on Fleecebook, so why leave to buy anything?  I still believe that this AOL-like bubble that is being created around Fleecebook will bust when EVENTUALLY people tire of being on Fleecebook all the time.  Their artificial worth will tumble eventually- meanwhile I am boycotting doing anything that could be productive through Fleecebook.  There is so much more available on the net that is not in Fleecebook....

WORLD ENDS - Film at 11:00 ...

So I've been looking for the NEXT BEST THING, but apparently I've been looking in the wrong place.  If you put *this* on the level of discovering plastic, it will be pretty amazing.  Also, since it is not-ready-for-prime-time yet, one can only imagine all the new and wonderful applications of this new technology.  Be sure to play the video at that site...

Don't spend 5 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to
the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next
morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Why health care is so high...

Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.


Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?? 

Confucius didn't say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Doomsday or Palin for Prez, You Pick...

Give us a friggin break.  First we get Palin's complaints about everything and her push for the Prez loses momentum.  Then Frump (I mean Trump) takes over with his false push for the Prez, which I don't believe the blow-hard had any intention of commitment.  Now Palin is back at it again with "fire in her belly" for the position.  GOP- give us a friggin break and get serious or give up!

I have avoided speaking of doomsday predictions or the upcoming "rapture", but let me say this.  The predictor has already made over $100 million on his website from donations (shades of selling pet rocks).  Two guys at work have been talking about selling rapture insurance to have your pets and family taken care of, should you be chosen....  The old saying that goes something like, "if it sounds too good to be true, than it probably is" comes to mind....

What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Targeted Marketing--

I have heard of targeted marketing before, but this is ridiculous. Walk into a store and your smart (I mean spy) phone starts receiving local text messages advertising items (SMS over RF) and telling you what isle to go to. The only part of a smart phone that is smart are the people making money off of the dumb fools that carry them.

Ever wonder what is going on behind your back on the internet. The big players like Fleecebook and Giggle are pushing you to utilize the online markets from within their bounds. Of course, they are making money off of every purchase.  That information is also going into a database for future sales to other retailers for directed marketing.  The "filter bubble" is allowing them to tailor searches as well.  This means that two different people doing the same searches won't get the same results!

I know many people have wished more many years that they were more than they are.  I have been wanting, even yearning, for the last five or ten years to lead a simpler lifestyle and actually be less than I am.  So what the hell do I mean?  Have you ever wished that you could be a bank teller or a gas station attendant or sell bait by a lakeside- and be happy just doing that.  That means putting engineering and all your education and experience aside to hopefully lead a stress-less and simpler life.  What about owning a bait and tackle shop on a lakeside, with a sign in the window that says, "If the fish are biting, the store is closed.".  What would I think about without the stress of everyday life- as I know it now?  

Be sure to check this non-politically correct site...CraigsLisp.

"The Japanese company that makes American theater seats has had to redesign the seats because of the American people's expanding back sides. But don't worry, the American industry, not to be outdone, has already gotten to work on a fatter ass."
- Conan O'Brien

Cat Quotes
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-- Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
--Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
--Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

70s Rock or Septuagenarian Rock?

Today I've noticed that I am aging faster than I realized.  Last night we went to see The Moody Blues play in concert.  I have never seen septuagenarians playing rock!  The drummer cam to the microphone and exclaimed that he had been through the 60s twice and had turned 70 that day.  I'm sure that the lead singer and bass player weren't far off.  It was very strange to see such an old person with long hair (white) and black leather pants.  No matter what they played, it was played well- but sounded better when I looked at the dancing fans.  The mean age of the audience was definitely in the high fifties.  Since they still sound good and are still making recordings, when should they stop?  The way they were hopping around on the stage I was concerned they would stroke-out or have a heart attack right there and then....

American Dreaming...[Jeff Toogood]
     Having reached the ripe age of old (I read that between 55 and 60 is 'old'; over 60 and it's 'aged'), I have convinced myself that the short journey from childhood to old-hood can be reached using the following life-plan.  This distilled wisdom comes not from Fidelity or Kinecta financial planners, but from lessons learned and congealed into a simple set of steps (much like the pint on my night-stand and the blood in my arteries.)

1. Save your hard earned money for retirement, old age.
    Don't have any money left over from your sustenance pay check?

2. Get an education for a better job.
    Not clever enough to last four years?

3. Learn a trade--preferably one not dominated by foreign workers working for sustenance pay.
    Not trainable or suffer from short attention span?

4. Buy lottery tickets with money collecting aluminum cans. 
    This track has its risks: divorce, bankruptcy after over-spending, addiction of (take your pick), long lost friends and relatives begging for money they feel entitled to.  However, if you win, then the glow of the once-in-a lifetime thrill will be your reward.

    Never a winner?

5. Work for the government.
    This final stop-gap solution has generations of successful examples (e.g.. Bush, Kennedy).  As a civil servant, your pride is the only casualty.  To compensate, the unions and governing body has ensured that all categories of personal financial misfortune are covered providing you are willing to 'dumb down' and learn the ropes of political life.  Whether it is president of the United States or janitor at the local elementary school, all risks associated with a capitalistic economy are absent.  You are no longer a citizen, you are a member of the government!

    Hopefully this concise and useful summary of how to survive the American dream helps.

The Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know... 

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every
day. Jose says, "Look at your sign."

I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE AND 6 KIDS TO SUPPORT.

"Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10.00 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO. 

Zuck Sweats...

Amazingly enough, the Winklevoss twins are trying to get their case heard in the supreme court.  This out to make Zuckerberg sweat.  The chances are very small, however, that they will take on the case.  Usually, there has to be some point of law that has to do with constitutionality or federal statutes.  I can only look forward to Zuck's next day in court.  I know he's not!

Just when you think you might have heard it all... Some Facebook fanatics just saddled their newborn with  a name from Facebook, 'Like'.  This is what kind of people are causing changes in our world based on their voting records in the Facebook world.  Sounds like we need some major gene-pool cleansing....

I know we all have little annoyances that tend to bug us on a regular basis, but this one keeps coming up.  I will look ay a news site and it will list a story that I'm interested.  I click the link and it turns out to be a video.  I'm not to excited about it, but then a commercial plays for sixty seconds first.  I'm not going to watch it.  Because

20 Excuses for Not Going to Work
· If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· My stigmata's acting up.

· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

· I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

· The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.

· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

· I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

· I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party.

DIY Security System

Estimated budget: $10
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Bubba, 

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter” 

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.