AT&T-Mobile

How disappointing of a day for the first day of spring.  It rained and rained and rained, probably the hardest I have seen in many, many years.

So apparently AT&T need more bandwidth to handle [iPhone] smart phones and decided to expand it by buying some of the competition, namely T-Mobile. I'm sure that THOSE people that are subscribers to T-Mobile are not happy....

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically. The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100 mph through the center of London in a blizzard and you were totally nude?" The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecutor and calmly asked, "What was the date again?" 

Finally

I'm very glad that we finally are doing something to help the Libyans.  It has been almost too long.  I hope that the coalition forces will "shock and awe" Gadhafi into stepping down,  Nobody wants this to drag on, but I expect that he will be stubborn.

 

Saw some great vintage surfing shots and pictures of the Ellwood coast [where I live].  Check 'em out....   Life was sure a lot simpler then, especially for the oil industry.  Ellwood was never as over-pumped as Summerland, though.   In 1896, companies drilled in ocean waters from piers extending off the beach at Summerland.

 

Who said " ignorance can be healed...stupid is forever "?
Does seem relevant here.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seat belt. 

 


THE IRISH BROTHEL
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman.
"And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they
are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes
inside.
"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.
"Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died!"

"The No Fly Zone" & More...

It sure is interesting that Gadhafi would call a cease fire just as the U.N. decided that it is okay to bomb Libya to protect the innocent populace from the Libyan army.  We know Gadhafi is crazy, but I guess you could also say that he is chicken.  Perhaps there will be a "No Fly Zone" without anyone firing a shot.  What a crazy rebellion....  But as the story continues... It appears as though the cease fire announcement was just that, an announcement.  The battle continues and the carnage has not slowed down.  Gadhafi is just asking for trouble now...  There is no second-guessing a crazy man!

When I first visited Hawaii and we were driving between cities on the "Highway", the first thing that I noticed is that there were no motels.  There wasn't a need because you could get back home on the same day.  Now Hawaii is taking the lead on installing electric vehicle charging stations- 320 of them.  I think that it is wonderful, but where will all the electric cars go, so that they recharging?  So I wonder where all this additional power is going to come from, certainly not from nuclear generation.  Given the weather in the islands, they would be perfect for wind  and solar power generation.  It is a shame that there was no mention of the power source or any planned augmentation.

How do companies like Twitter, Facebook or Groupon get valued at billions of dollars ?  Apparently, it is based on earning potential.  That, I'm sure could change to better or worse very fast.  I guess I really don't understand.

Regarding Prince William's bachelor party

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. cow farts. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven and says,
'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.' 

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Thought you might enjoy this.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (that one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

The China Syndrome ?

The "China Syndrome" refers to a possible result of the catastrophic meltdown of a nuclear reactor. Also called a loss of coolant accident, the scenario begins when something causes the coolant level in a reactor vessel to drop, uncovering part—or all—of the fuel rod assemblies. Even if the nuclear chain reaction has been stopped through use of control rods or other devices, the fuel continues to produce significant residual heat for some time due to further decay of fission products. If not properly cooled, the fuel assemblies may soften and melt, falling to the bottom of the reactor vessel. There, without neutron-absorbing control rods to prevent it, nuclear fission could resume but, in the absence of a neutron moderator, might not. Regardless, without adequate cooling, the temperature of the molten fuel could increase to the point where it melts through the structures containing it. Although many feel the radioactive slag would stop at or before the subterranean aquifer, such a series of events would release large quantities of radioactive material into the atmosphere and groundwater, potentially causing damage to the local environment's plant and animal life. - Wikipedia

Is this what we expect to happen ?   I hope not.

The situation is indeed grave in Japan.  At least currently, there is no cause for alarm here.

So [finally] the no-fly zone over Libya has been approved.  It is also worded in such a way to provide leeway to do whatever is necessary to protect innocent people.  Unfortunately, the rebellion may have already been squashed too far to bounce back.  I am assuming that Gadhafi has burned any bridges to other Arab countries.  I say we should let Venezuela have him, and we'll see just how long he lasts without his armies....

Check this video out...  An inventor has found a way to run a car on water!

I sure hope that this technology pans out- AND IN A HURRY!

Best Bar in The World 

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Heaven 

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

No More Hilary

Lucky for us that Sarah Palin's support is fading, but is Haley Barbour or Newt Gingrich or Donald Trump any better?  Obama's second term is almost guaranteed unless the GOP can become a bit more galvanized and rid themselves of the extremists.

The crisis in Japan is forcing everyone to re-examine their comfort level with nuclear power.  I'm quite sure that Japan will come up with a solution for their ills, and also probably a suitable replacement technology.  It will probably include a combination of solar, wind and tide power.

 

I had read somewhere that Biden will be 74 by 2012 and Obama would probably pick a new running mate.  I had thought that Hilary would want the job AND would probably be good at it.  She announced today that she will not continue as Secretary of State or any other cabinet position including VP after Obama's first term. Being Secretary of State has probably drained all her energies and desires to be in politics.  I must admit, I am very surprised.  Won't it be interesting to see if she changes her mind ?

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'   'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

More
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
˜What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'...
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'! The wife apologized and went on with the housework...
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
The wife replied... 'Your horse phoned'!!!

Google vs. Facebook Wars Continue

So if you believe the rumors, Google is working on an anti-Facebook.  Apparently they feel that they are not making enough money and need to tackle yet another front...

Where will the next earthquake or volcanic eruption happen in the Ring of Fire?  Is California next? I hope that all the recent activity [Chile, New Zealand, Hawaii and Japan] has release enough pressure so that we are not next.  It certainly does seem like there has been a lot of activity recently, though.

 


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands. 

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Funny Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over

40. Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. [At a restaurant] Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!

56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition

57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

58. PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals 59. Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!

It's Too Late - They Already Have All the Information They Need...

With the occurrence of the disaster in Japan, I was wondering: What happens when you outsource manufacturing to another country and it has a natural disaster or political uprising or war?  Since you no longer have the capability at home, you are out of luck.  This, of course, drives the prices up so that the main reason that they were outsourced no longer makes sense.  What is really needed here is a balance between outsourcing and local processing.

Last evening, we acquired a copy of "The Fighter" and watched it. As the story unfold, one begins to realize that there are really two stories, the fighter (Mark Walberg) and the has-been brother (Christian Bale).  The setting presents the grittiness of the east coast in a poorer neighborhood that is obviously suffering from lack of opportunities and the influx and influence of drugs.  The brother has his fight cut out for him to get beyond the drugs, their influence and his past successes.  The fighter has to grow to escape the drowning influences of his family (especially the seven skank sisters) and achieve his own success while in the shadow of his brother's failures.  The story was very good- very authentic.  The performance of Bale was worthy of the Oscar.

So you might think that your personal data is safe because you are careful on the internet, but I beg to differ with you.  Your personal data is ALREADY in someone else's posession!  It is too late to protect ourselves from the not-so-obvious way of stealing (borrowing) information from every keystroke we make on the net.  We have already LOST control- or did we EVER really have it?  They call this "Data Mining", but I see it just like picking up nuggets on the ground.  We are addicted to the web, which make it great for all the data-sucking that covertly occurs.  Everyone is making money off me and my stats EXCEPT me!  Check out one of the data mining companies,  eXelate.com.  It is amazing how much money that they are making off me.

Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

A Nightmare Day, and then Back to Almost Normal...

So I had an interesting discussion yesterday (which  I will postpone), but I decided to share my day, as yesterday's post never was made.  

My daughter, home for Spring Break was stricken with all the symptoms of food poisoning or stomach flu.  It was the hope that she would be well enough to return back to school when it resumed.  Yesterday by two o'clock, she was still having abdominal pains and hadn't kept any food down for two days, in other words- she wasn't getting better.
We decided to take her to one of the walk-in medical offices, since it wasn't or didn't appear to be an emergency.  After examining some bodily fluids, the doctor determined that she was dehydrated and put her on a saline IV.  After three bags, she was feeling a bit better but still nauseous and experiencing abdominal pains.  The doctor there did not have the capability to perform an ultrasound to examine her appendix, as appendicitis is what her symptoms were speaking, so he sent us to the emergency room of the local hospital.
By the time we arrived there it was almost six p.m.  The ultrasound was inconclusive.  Meanwhile she was given another bag of saline and then asked to drink a gargantuan amount of some radioactive trace solution for a CT scan to put the appendicitis or not question finally to bed.  Consequently, we didn't get out of the hospital with a negative on the appendicitis until almost two in the morning.  It was a long day...  She'll be staying home a few more days to recover before returning to school.
Thank goodness we have medical insurance.  I don't know how families can cope with the expense otherwise.  I'm sure that yesterday was, at least, a five thousand dollar day...

It's all about the software.  It always was.  When the PC came out, there were hundreds of programs you could buy to make you PC customized into whatever you needed it to do.  Then the shareware and freeware revolution hit.  The PC remains popular today because of many reasons, but the first and foremost is the software available for it.
Now the popularity of smart phones, it has REALLY become an issue with the apps that are available as well.  After more than ten billion downloads from Apple's app store, do we honestly believe that it would be any kind of a success with out the apps ?  Having the right platform, with hardware capabilities beyond what we would have found on the early or even current PCs has driven the major development of apps for smart phones.  Being able to sample them easily and buy them for as little as $1.99 has made them "fly off the (virtual)shelf".  This is the way to market...  After the biggies (AT&T and Verizon) get done raping their subscribers for data charges and the paradigm shifts, I may even get one!

So what determines going too far?  What are you willing to do to get a job?  If your potential employer requires that you give him your Facebook logon and password to even be considered; is that legal? If an employer wants to scan the net with Google or search Facebook, more power to him.  When he asks to get logon and password to that account to "see all", that is wrong.  Of course, it is ALSO wrong to put anything on Facebook that doesn't pass the "60 Minutes" rule. [If you wouldn't want it to be shown on 60 Minutes, don't put it on your account.] Where should the interview line on access be drawn ?

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking
out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in,
rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a
1 to 10 scale. One says,

"I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees,
and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round
of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young
lass. He checks her out himself and says,

"Nah, I'd give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?!" says one of the three guys at
the table. "She's a real pretty girl."

The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste
in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another
young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However,
the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again
overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and
tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5! She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method
for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to
his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde,
5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape.
Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the
three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress
is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer
pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender
once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances
studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he
could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?! She's
gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for
rating women."

"Budweiser?" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the
Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating
women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off
her."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

Strange but true
Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private parts through a mirror.

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people,50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.

In the 1800's, people believed that gin could cure stomach problems.

It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

Americans ate eight million more orders of french fries and almost six million more hamburgers this year compared to last.

The Netherlands has built 800 miles of massive dikes and sea walls to hold back the sea.

One pair of rats has the potential for 15,000 descendants in a year.

A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

The rat has been called the world’s most destructive mammal - other than man.

Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world’s food supply each year.

25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.

26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.

The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic.

US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures. Next comes Mexico.

22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.

Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health.

Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday.

The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City.

The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees.

American adults have been educated for the longest time.

The ten most generous governments (relative to GDP) are all in Europe.

The Slave-Maker ant is so named because it raids the nest of other ants and steals their pupae. Once the pupae hatch, they are made to work as slaves.

Workers in an ant colony only live for about 45-60 days, but a colony's queen can live up to 20 years.

Ants make up 1/10 of the total world animal tissue. The total biomass of all the ants on Earth is about equal to the total biomass of all the people.

By combining force of numbers with organized aggression, ants have become the greatest insect killers on Earth -- even of their own kind.

Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

The animal with the largest brain in proportion to its size is the ant. They are the smartest species of insects with about 250,000 brain cells.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.

30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.

200 million people in China live on less than $1 a day.

There are 100 million internet users in China. Some of the sites they can't access are BBC news, Amnesty International and Dalailama.com.

In 2006, there were 398 million mobile (or cell) phones in China.
China is the source of 70% of the worlds pirated goods.

20% of the world's population lives in China.

People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights!

Left handed people live slightly shorter lives than right handed people.

Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

Tea Partiers Are Not Rejoicing

Sarah Palin got some bad news. Even though her daughter moved to Arizona, they don't want Sarah to run her 2012 campaign from there.  "Help us send a strong message that Arizona should not be a stepping stone for extremist politicians and their radical agendas."  Looks to me like a wake-up-call for the Tea Partiers...

How to Please Your I.T. Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

     

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

     

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

     

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

     


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."