Picoftheweek

Picoftheweek
Waaaaaaaay too many to count...

My Statement

"Let me emphatically say that I am not anti-Facebook (Fleecebook), anti-smart phone, anti-Microsoft, anti-Apple, anti-Google or anti-Internet. I do believe, though, that the consumer is being ripped off of his privacy, identity and purchase history. We are being herded into a Facebook corner where what we "Like" and where we go physically and on the net will be scrutinized and sold numerous times to actually corrode and erode our culture while tempting us only with convenience, high tech and flashing video screens. The unsuspecting consumers need to be aware..." - Gary Lapman

Quote of Note

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”-W.C. Fields

"For the strength of the Wolf is in the Pack, and the strength of the Pack is in the Wolf." - Rudyard Kipling

"Common sense is not so common. " -Voltaire

“Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, but only character endures.” - Matthew McConaughey

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him"

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason" - Jerry Seinfeld

"Fleecebook is free, you (and your identity) is the product!" - Gary Lapman


"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." - Eric Sevareid

"'Smart' phones are only smart for the cell phone providers!" - Gary Lapman

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” -Albert Einstein

"Technology creates the illusion of companionship without the intimacy of friendship." - unknown

"No worry, there's an app for that..." - Gary Lapman

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Buying Gas? LOL...

Much flack is coming down on Obama for not doing something in Libya.  I asked myself what was the best action that I could come up with.  If he orders that a no-fly zone be created over Libya, he will have to strategically bomb their radars.  This would be looked at as a US action, not NATO and would be "frowned" upon by the other Arab states.  Libya might declare war on us...  When there is a NATO action to take place, why doesn't one of the other members carry it out ?  I certainly would be easier for France or UK or even Italy to carry out a mission than us.  We are already stretched thin (no thanks to them).  Wouldn't it be easier to take out Qaddafi? Perhaps, but we would still be considered "interfering".  One of is sons or adjutants (just as bad) would probably assume the lead, anyway.  It would have to be a total regime change.  Consequently, in spite of the people of Libya suffering (and dying at Qaddafi's hands); it is still probably best to do nothing, currently (sadly).  One would have hoped that another Arab state would have stepped up by now, but they have such a low regard for the common people....

It is now reported that Facebook is getting into the movie streaming business.  Zuckerberg has was too much information on each of the Facebook members.  Now he will also know what movies they like and what ones to recommend.  Also, all your friends will know what you like.  Warner Brothers (their partners) will also have the opportunity to use that information to sell you souvenir crap to go with the movie rental.  Next they will determine that I need a pizza and beer to go with it and just have them delivered!  We won't have to LIVE our lives anymore and make our own decisions; Facebook will do it for us.  Of course, they will have to collect fees for this service, which means they will get their hands on our charge card numbers, too!  WAY TOO MUCH DATA IN ONE PLACE!  I'll stick with PayPal for my online transactions.
Nuff said....



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'




Life Reflections
· If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

· Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

· Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

· A closed mouth gathers no feet.

· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

· My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

· I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

· If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

· Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

· Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

· Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

· Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

· No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.



Baby Airplanes:
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Houston to Little Rock. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you." 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Post-PC World ?

America is sleep deprived.  We have become slaves to the very technologies that we developed to help us.  Kids don't turn off their cell phones at night.  Others sleep with the TV on.  Their brains never get to "shut off".  Without the proper amount of REM sleep (which we are not getting), we will fail.  Our health, our endeavors- they will fail.

Give me a break:  Pundits are claiming that we are entering the post-PC world.  How is this possible?  Tablets have got a lot of catching up, if that be the case.  After all, for the most part tablets are good for looking at content.  How did that content get there ?  What were the apps developed on?  Are they all nuts? While there are many tablets out there, they don't account for a very large percentage of the total PCs.  Most people tend to have both, if they have a tablet at all.
Gadhafi must think we are pretty stupid if we are to believe that he is bombing Al-Qaeda....




Unavoidable laws of the universe
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Bath Theory: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.



New words to add to your vocabulary
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



For non-seamen:
Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.

Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Companionway - a double berth.

Dead Reckoning
- a course leading directly to a reef.

Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.

Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.

Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.

Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.

Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Likely American Malady

File this under "the pot calling the kettle black": Sarah Palin is accusing Obama of lack of experience!

Senator McCain suffers from the same malady as most Americans.  Just because there is an American brand on an object, don't assume it is made here.  To think that Apple products are American is ludicrous.
Has anyone considered the possibility that Charlie Sheen has been keeping his feelings quiet for a long time, for the benefit of his show?  I think that people are being to hard on him and that he is entitled to whatever lifestyle that he wants.  The studio knew quite well what they were getting when they cast him.



"Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!" --George Carlin



Having a Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Strange but true.
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Made in America

Interesting that a company that forces a bankrupt because they can't pay union wages or retirement pensions has enough capital to develop a robot for NASA.  I am speaking of General Motors, of course.  This is the same company that the gubmint bailed out (because they were too big to fail).  This is also the same company that promoted (with hype) their new solution to the world's problems, the overpriced Volt.  Too bad that that capital didn't go to making it so that it could sell for less than $40K plus.  Why would NASA go to GM for a robot, anyway ????

Looks like Continental Airlines is taking advantage of an opportunity, unfortunately the wrong way.  They have decided (in immeasurable wisdom) that they will no longer give out free pretzels in their flights, because it will align Continental with its competitors.  So I thought (stupid, stupid me) that any company would want to stand out from their competition to cause people to want to pick them OVER the competition.  This was their GOLDEN opportunity to offer MORE than their competitors and SCORE for it.
Here is a 'Made in America' Resource Guide: Where to Find American Companies [reprinted from ABC News]

www.USAonly.US
Launched on July 4, 2010, USAonly lists companies that make their products here in the United States. With emphasis on smaller, mom-and-pop companies, the website currently features 320 companies. The website is interactive and keeps track of how many employed Americans are represented by the companies listed.


AmericanMadeProducts.com
Headquartered in Bridgeport, Mich., AmericanMadeProducts.com Inc. sells more than 9,000 products made, manufactured or assembled in America.


MadeinAmericaStuff.com
MadeinAmericaStuff.com sells products made in the U.S.A. The website is based in Houston.


AmericansWorking.com
This website is a searchable directory of goods made in the United States, with categories ranging from "Air Cleaners" to "Vitamins."


MadeInUSAForever.com
Nearly 2,300 products made in the United States are available for purchase on MadeInUSAForever.com.


StillMadeInUSA.com
StillMadeInUSA is a directory of American-made products. Click on a category and you'll be directed to links to companies across the country manufacturing in the United States. Each link includes a description of the company and lets you know where it's located.


MadeInUSA.org
The website is a product search engine and database for those looking for products made in the United States.


MadeByYankees.net
MadeByYankees.net has a database with nearly 3,000 products that are made in the United States, listed by manufacturer. Only the listed products are made in America. The manufacturer also may sell products made outside of the United States.


MadeUSAFdn.org
The Made in the USA Foundation is a not-for-profit organization that promotes products manufactured and assembled in America. Clicking on "Shop USA" brings you to a category list where you can access links to companies' websites.


BuyAmerican.com
Links to companies selling products made in the USA.


ToysMadeInAmerica.com
Looking to teach your children to buy American from an early age? ToysMadeInAmerica links to over 150 toy manufacturers making their toys here in the USA.

Wouldn't be absolutely wonderful (and PATRIOTIC) to make a conscious effort to TRY to buy American made ?




A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and asked, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."





Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

DYSLEXIA = DAILY SEX

Friday, March 4, 2011

Free Kindles! Free Texting! Woohoo!

So apparently, the Glory mission (which carried APS that was built at SBRS, where I used to work) has ended in the drink.  Why would NASA use the low-cost solution (Orbital) that wasn't and isn't.  'Tis a shame.
Mr. Zuckerberg is finally doing something that makes sense (cents).  Facebook has purchased a company called Beluga which is what Vonage is to Verizon.  They offer a new, FREE way to do text messages, without SMS.  This whole monopoly of charging 10 to 15 cents per text message would be totally circumvented by a little app that is installed on your phone.  I am totally in favor of any scheme which circumvents the blood-sucking phone companies.

Amazon is moving in the direction of giving Kindles away for free.  After all, they are in the business of selling books, not Kindles.  There is much more money to be made selling books.  Someone is going to be giving them away, and Amazon is in the best position.  Remember, I always said that Polaroid would still be in business (maybe), if they gave their cameras away for free.  There was more than enough profit in the film.
True story...
I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound....

He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.




This is an “actual letter” from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills’.
Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX




Thursday, March 3, 2011

Dung Delight

I wonder if the gubmint uses this stuff.  An Indian entrepreneur has come up with a method for making paper out of elephant poop.  [Do you suppose they do this with donkey poop, to?  It would make a good election souvenir.] This, of course, is different from taking regular paper and putting elephant poop on it.  Honestly, I think that a much better application is to burn the poop for fuel to create power.   I REALLY don't think they have enough of the stuff to make a dent in the the fuel supplies, though.  I'm sure it is clean by the time the sell it, after all: the boil the crap out of it!

Some people think that America's best days are behind us. I don't believe that.  What we did was start the dominoes falling and we've been spinning our wheels trying to get them stopped.  The outsourcing of manufacturing and legislation like NAFTA sent us into a down-spiral.  At the same time, our economy became global, and the third world is becoming of age.  The only way to get our arms around the issues once again is to stop being mostly an importer and get back to exporting.  There needs to be further incentives to get businesses to stop outsourcing jobs.  At home, the absolutely best action we (as a country) can take is to stop buying imported products.  If they don't sell, then we will stop importing them.  If the American made products begin to sell better and better, then more of them will be made.  Take pride in your countries products.  Set an example for the rest of the world.


They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!"



New market terms:

CEO--Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

iPad2 Content

Newsflash:  A proposal is on the table to merge ITA and Google.  That would put all the travel arrangements under the control of Google.  Most online booking sites like Orbitz would be out of business unless they contracted with Google.   This might be a good thing.  I haven't made up my mind yet. 
I haven't seen it yet, but the so-called reviews by those that are privileged say that the new iPad2 has two things going for it: 1) all the new enhancements make it great for anyone that buys one and 2) it is great for Apple since you have to buy all the content from them.



GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.  Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil. We  just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in: ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, And Texas. Our dipsticks are located in DC!

Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.



Leroy goes to the Parish revival and listens to the priest. After a while, the priest asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the priest asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Father, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The priest puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the priest removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Father, it ain't 'til next Wednesday 




"A leak in the Alaskan Pipeline last week spilled 265,000 gallons of crude oil into the arctic tundra. British petroleum, the company that runs The oil operation, said that the spill was too small to be detected by their maintenance equipment. But just large enough to rise the price of gas fifteen cents a gallon this week."
--Jay Leno

***

"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time."
--Conan O'Brien 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Revolt Facilitating...

I'm having a hard time today.  There are so many things happening in the news today that I might comment on...but I think that Yemen is nuts to think that we sparked the demonstrations that are causing revolutions in Arab countries.  After all we invented the internet and made applications like Twitter and Facebook available.  Did we know that the average Arab in those countries has had his news filtered to the point that he thought is was well off and his leader is what the rest of the world has as well?  As communication improves to the point that each Arab citizen understands what he or she is missing, the revolt begins.  They all know that their leaders are siphoning off oil profits rather than sharing them with their people. Jealousy and rage has managed to get many Arab countries moving in the direction of revolt.






LOST & FOUND
Yellow-brown mixed breed dog.
Blind in left eye with torn right ear.
Missing two teeth & four toes on left hind food.
Right leg is crooked & missing half a tail.
Recently neutered.
Answers to the name of LUCKY.
Reward.



The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2010!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Disappointment...?

These were my predictions from yesterday...

Best Picture: 'The King’s Speech'
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld


Not too bad, I only missed one!

The hosting of the Oscars was well done and very professional.  Franco and Hathaway were very impressive.  I have to admit, though, that the bubbly Anne Hathaway really did stand out when she briefly has a red dress on [WOW!].  Unfortunately, she changed more than Obama's promises in that short period of time....  As for my opinion of the hosting: "yawn".  It was okay--  better than Gervais.
 
Wondering what the shrinking paycheck will buy now? Here, a semi-random roundup of what some stuff costs from Time Magazine: 

$9-$12 The cost range of a mid-priced bottle of wine—which, in the value-conscious post-recession era, is the fastest-growing segment of the industry


Over $100 The average woman's most recent impulse purchase—and 35% of women say they regret at least one impulse purchase made in the past year. 


$129.75 The average monthly cable TV bill for Comcast customers, up from $107.20 in 2008. No wonder some 800,000 cable customers have cut the cord over the past two years. 


$263 Estimated amount the typical cell phone user overpays annually because of signing up for the wrong wireless plan. 


$417 What a sample group of consumers said an iPad is actually worth. That's $200 or so less than what Apple charges. No wonder many consumers feel the iPad is basically a toy and a time suck, just isn't worth the money. 


$650 The bill you'll receive if you lose your three-foot snake on a Boston subway


$1,600 The expected first-year costs for owning a medium-size dog, per an ASPCA estimator


$1,738 Annual cost of the average commute in Chicago, the city with the most costly commutes in the country


$1,880 Amount the average pack-a-day smoker spends on cigarettes in a year, according to one estimate


$2,000 Amount of unexpected expenditures that the typical American consumer encounters annually. 


$3,000 Approximate amount you'll pay to buy and use an iPhone over the mandatory two-year contract period. 


$4,000 Cost for a man to attend certain mail-order bride "socials" in Eastern Europe


$6,751 The 2009 per capita state and local taxes paid in New Jersey, which has the nation's highest tax rate at 12.2% of per capita income. 


$13,770 Cost of the average family's health insurance premiums in 2010. (That is, if they have health insurance.) 


$18,773 Average annual price of full-time infant care in Massachusetts, the state with the highest daycare costs, according to the Boston Globe. That amount would eat up 18% of the average two-parent family's income, and 67% of the average single mom's earnings. 


$20,435 Average cost of tuition, room and board for a college student in 2008—which, after factoring in inflation, is more than double the amount charged in 1980. 


$84,388 Amount the average American will spend on auto insurance over his lifetime


$128,530 The average cash bonus given to a Wall Street worker in the financial services in 2010. That's actually down 8% from an average of over $140K the year before. 


$132,683 What a typical $100-a-month cable bill really winds up costing you over a 25-year span


$396,000 The record amount paid at a Tokyo fish market auction for a 752-pound bluefin tuna last month. 


$584,000 Median home price in San Francisco, one of the least affordable cities in the U.S. 


$48 million Projected cost of Prince William and Kate Middleton's upcoming nuptials


$20.5 billion Total amount of credit card penalty fees charged to American customers in 2009. 


$47.7 billion Estimated amount spent in the U.S. pet industry in 2010, up from $45.5 billion the year before. 


$101 billion Approximate annual sales of beer in the U.S..


Murphy's Law of Logical Argument
- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 



Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 

 

Sunday, February 27, 2011

HIgh Anxiety

So it appears as though the bad weather as been blown away from us.  All that is left are clear sunny skies (and really cold nights).

Assuming that Libya is next to fall (impending as we speak), which other Arab country would I guess is next ?  Considering that this uprising is a 1000 years in the making (their words), I would guess Oman or Yemen ("man" or "men" ?).  They are weaker counties than most, and should be easier to topple. What of the Libyans after the fall?  I am still betting on an Arab States organization which will allow them larger clout in the world and a chance at some flavor of democracy.  Each state would have previously been a county, and each of the tribes would get representation.
Last night we acquired a copy of "127 Hours".  I was apprehensive about watching it and my anxiety grew and grew until the rock smashes his hand.  At that point, I got up to retire to the other room, but Terre, apparently, felt similarly- so we turned off.  I have certainly seen worse in movies, and realize that it is a fake realization.  Unfortunately, it was Franco's pain that I did not want to experience. 




Investigators at a major U.S. research university recently
discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0.

However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves
the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It
is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes
in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one
second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over
time, since with each reorganization some of the morons
inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass."



Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store...

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'




A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Canada."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work." 






A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Snow Departed...

We were supposed to get a big rainstorm last evening that would dump snow rain and whiten below 500 feet. It apparently blew away but the same storm is set for the L.A. area. It hasn't snowed there since 1949!

Here are my predictions (guesses) for the Oscars tomorrow:

Best Picture: 'The King’s Speech'
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld
 

I'm probably wrong, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway.



Cajun Confession
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."




Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 






The Four Levels of STRESS
LEVEL 1. You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. That's stressful.

LEVEL 2. But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is very stressful.

LEVEL 3. So next... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you cannot be the father (relief)... because you are infertile and probably have been since birth. This is very very stressful.

LEVEL 4.
On your return commute, you start thinking about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS !! 



LEXIPHILES
A lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.'

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Segue to American Idol Re-invented

Last night I realized what American Idol changed into.  They now have a heart.  The sensitivity level is way up, especially since it is not overshadowed by the ridiculousness of Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.  Hugs abound from and to all.  J.Lo is a sweetie that shows that she REALLY cares.  Randy and Steven Tyler have made a great effort to step up as well.  Ryan Seacrest is just the right person to help calm the contestants before they sing and afterward. He helps them celebrate as well as console them.  The show is so different, it almost should have a different name.  It is definitely worth of the investment to watch the show now.




Owed Two A Spell Cheque

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Made in America?

Give me a break: Gadhafi has proven, once again, how crazy he is as he blames Bin Laden for the demonstrations.  He has also compared himself to Queen Elizabeth and says that no one has asked her to step down. 
Go into a gift store in any national monument or at the Smithsonian.  You will not find more than 1% of the souvenirs that are sold to be made in America.  It comes down to the cost, as well as many items are no longer made here.  I am ashamed that we EVEN sell American souvenirs that are not made here.  I think they should be outlawed.

I wonder how bad this problem is.  What percentage of the war good (i.e planes, humvees, guns, missiles, ammunition, helicopters, ships, torpedoes, boats, uniforms, ...) are made in America.  I bet is is very small.  What if we went to war against the country that supplied the supplies?  I know it would cost more, but it costs too much in jobs and the economy NOT to require that all these items be made 100% in America!



A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the green keeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"



While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."




Hangover 
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now....