Free Kindles! Free Texting! Woohoo!

So apparently, the Glory mission (which carried APS that was built at SBRS, where I used to work) has ended in the drink.  Why would NASA use the low-cost solution (Orbital) that wasn't and isn't.  'Tis a shame.

Mr. Zuckerberg is finally doing something that makes sense (cents).  Facebook has purchased a company called Beluga which is what Vonage is to Verizon.  They offer a new, FREE way to do text messages, without SMS.  This whole monopoly of charging 10 to 15 cents per text message would be totally circumvented by a little app that is installed on your phone.  I am totally in favor of any scheme which circumvents the blood-sucking phone companies.

Amazon is moving in the direction of giving Kindles away for free.  After all, they are in the business of selling books, not Kindles.  There is much more money to be made selling books.  Someone is going to be giving them away, and Amazon is in the best position.  Remember, I always said that Polaroid would still be in business (maybe), if they gave their cameras away for free.  There was more than enough profit in the film.

True story...

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound....

He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.

This is an “actual letter” from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills’.
Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Dung Delight

I wonder if the gubmint uses this stuff.  An Indian entrepreneur has come up with a method for making paper out of elephant poop.  [Do you suppose they do this with donkey poop, to?  It would make a good election souvenir.] This, of course, is different from taking regular paper and putting elephant poop on it.  Honestly, I think that a much better application is to burn the poop for fuel to create power.   I REALLY don't think they have enough of the stuff to make a dent in the the fuel supplies, though.  I'm sure it is clean by the time the sell it, after all: the boil the crap out of it!

Some people think that America's best days are behind us. I don't believe that.  What we did was start the dominoes falling and we've been spinning our wheels trying to get them stopped.  The outsourcing of manufacturing and legislation like NAFTA sent us into a down-spiral.  At the same time, our economy became global, and the third world is becoming of age.  The only way to get our arms around the issues once again is to stop being mostly an importer and get back to exporting.  There needs to be further incentives to get businesses to stop outsourcing jobs.  At home, the absolutely best action we (as a country) can take is to stop buying imported products.  If they don't sell, then we will stop importing them.  If the American made products begin to sell better and better, then more of them will be made.  Take pride in your countries products.  Set an example for the rest of the world.

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!"

New market terms:

CEO--Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.

iPad2 Content

Newsflash:  A proposal is on the table to merge ITA and Google.  That would put all the travel arrangements under the control of Google.  Most online booking sites like Orbitz would be out of business unless they contracted with Google.   This might be a good thing.  I haven't made up my mind yet. 

I haven't seen it yet, but the so-called reviews by those that are privileged say that the new iPad2 has two things going for it: 1) all the new enhancements make it great for anyone that buys one and 2) it is great for Apple since you have to buy all the content from them.

GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.  Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil. We  just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in: ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, And Texas. Our dipsticks are located in DC!

Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

Leroy goes to the Parish revival and listens to the priest. After a while, the priest asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the priest asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Father, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The priest puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the priest removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Father, it ain't 'til next Wednesday 

"A leak in the Alaskan Pipeline last week spilled 265,000 gallons of crude oil into the arctic tundra. British petroleum, the company that runs The oil operation, said that the spill was too small to be detected by their maintenance equipment. But just large enough to rise the price of gas fifteen cents a gallon this week."
--Jay Leno

***

"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time."
--Conan O'Brien 

Revolt Facilitating...

I'm having a hard time today.  There are so many things happening in the news today that I might comment on...but I think that Yemen is nuts to think that we sparked the demonstrations that are causing revolutions in Arab countries.  After all we invented the internet and made applications like Twitter and Facebook available.  Did we know that the average Arab in those countries has had his news filtered to the point that he thought is was well off and his leader is what the rest of the world has as well?  As communication improves to the point that each Arab citizen understands what he or she is missing, the revolt begins.  They all know that their leaders are siphoning off oil profits rather than sharing them with their people. Jealousy and rage has managed to get many Arab countries moving in the direction of revolt.

LOST & FOUND
Yellow-brown mixed breed dog.
Blind in left eye with torn right ear.
Missing two teeth & four toes on left hind food.
Right leg is crooked & missing half a tail.
Recently neutered.
Answers to the name of LUCKY.
Reward.

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2010!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Oscar Disappointment...?

These were my predictions from yesterday...

Best Picture: 'The King’s Speech'
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld

Not too bad, I only missed one!

The hosting of the Oscars was well done and very professional.  Franco and Hathaway were very impressive.  I have to admit, though, that the bubbly Anne Hathaway really did stand out when she briefly has a red dress on [WOW!].  Unfortunately, she changed more than Obama's promises in that short period of time....  As for my opinion of the hosting: "yawn".  It was okay--  better than Gervais.

 

Wondering what the shrinking paycheck will buy now? Here, a semi-random roundup of what some stuff costs from Time Magazine: 

$9-$12 The cost range of a mid-priced bottle of wine—which, in the value-conscious post-recession era, is the fastest-growing segment of the industry. 

Over $100 The average woman's most recent impulse purchase—and 35% of women say they regret at least one impulse purchase made in the past year. 

$129.75 The average monthly cable TV bill for Comcast customers, up from $107.20 in 2008. No wonder some 800,000 cable customers have cut the cord over the past two years. 

$263 Estimated amount the typical cell phone user overpays annually because of signing up for the wrong wireless plan. 

$417 What a sample group of consumers said an iPad is actually worth. That's $200 or so less than what Apple charges. No wonder many consumers feel the iPad is basically a toy and a time suck, just isn't worth the money. 

$650 The bill you'll receive if you lose your three-foot snake on a Boston subway. 

$1,600 The expected first-year costs for owning a medium-size dog, per an ASPCA estimator. 

$1,738 Annual cost of the average commute in Chicago, the city with the most costly commutes in the country. 

$1,880 Amount the average pack-a-day smoker spends on cigarettes in a year, according to one estimate. 

$2,000 Amount of unexpected expenditures that the typical American consumer encounters annually. 

$3,000 Approximate amount you'll pay to buy and use an iPhone over the mandatory two-year contract period. 

$4,000 Cost for a man to attend certain mail-order bride "socials" in Eastern Europe. 

$6,751 The 2009 per capita state and local taxes paid in New Jersey, which has the nation's highest tax rate at 12.2% of per capita income. 

$13,770 Cost of the average family's health insurance premiums in 2010. (That is, if they have health insurance.) 

$18,773 Average annual price of full-time infant care in Massachusetts, the state with the highest daycare costs, according to the Boston Globe. That amount would eat up 18% of the average two-parent family's income, and 67% of the average single mom's earnings. 

$20,435 Average cost of tuition, room and board for a college student in 2008—which, after factoring in inflation, is more than double the amount charged in 1980. 

$84,388 Amount the average American will spend on auto insurance over his lifetime. 

$128,530 The average cash bonus given to a Wall Street worker in the financial services in 2010. That's actually down 8% from an average of over $140K the year before. 

$132,683 What a typical $100-a-month cable bill really winds up costing you over a 25-year span. 

$396,000 The record amount paid at a Tokyo fish market auction for a 752-pound bluefin tuna last month. 

$584,000 Median home price in San Francisco, one of the least affordable cities in the U.S. 

$48 million Projected cost of Prince William and Kate Middleton's upcoming nuptials. 

$20.5 billion Total amount of credit card penalty fees charged to American customers in 2009. 

$47.7 billion Estimated amount spent in the U.S. pet industry in 2010, up from $45.5 billion the year before. 

$101 billion Approximate annual sales of beer in the U.S..

Murphy's Law of Logical Argument

- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."  

 

HIgh Anxiety

So it appears as though the bad weather as been blown away from us.  All that is left are clear sunny skies (and really cold nights).

Assuming that Libya is next to fall (impending as we speak), which other Arab country would I guess is next ?  Considering that this uprising is a 1000 years in the making (their words), I would guess Oman or Yemen ("man" or "men" ?).  They are weaker counties than most, and should be easier to topple. What of the Libyans after the fall?  I am still betting on an Arab States organization which will allow them larger clout in the world and a chance at some flavor of democracy.  Each state would have previously been a county, and each of the tribes would get representation.

Last night we acquired a copy of "127 Hours".  I was apprehensive about watching it and my anxiety grew and grew until the rock smashes his hand.  At that point, I got up to retire to the other room, but Terre, apparently, felt similarly- so we turned off.  I have certainly seen worse in movies, and realize that it is a fake realization.  Unfortunately, it was Franco's pain that I did not want to experience. 

Investigators at a major U.S. research university recently
discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element,
tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0.

However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves
the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It
is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes
in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one
second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over
time, since with each reorganization some of the morons
inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass."

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store...

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Canada."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work." 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

Snow Departed...

We were supposed to get a big rainstorm last evening that would dump snow rain and whiten below 500 feet. It apparently blew away but the same storm is set for the L.A. area. It hasn't snowed there since 1949!

Here are my predictions (guesses) for the Oscars tomorrow:
Best Picture: 'The King’s Speech'
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld
 
I'm probably wrong, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway.

Cajun Confession
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 

The Four Levels of STRESS
LEVEL 1. You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. That's stressful.

LEVEL 2. But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is very stressful.

LEVEL 3. So next... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you cannot be the father (relief)... because you are infertile and probably have been since birth. This is very very stressful.

LEVEL 4. On your return commute, you start thinking about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS !! 

LEXIPHILES
A lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.'

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Segue to American Idol Re-invented

Last night I realized what American Idol changed into.  They now have a heart.  The sensitivity level is way up, especially since it is not overshadowed by the ridiculousness of Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.  Hugs abound from and to all.  J.Lo is a sweetie that shows that she REALLY cares.  Randy and Steven Tyler have made a great effort to step up as well.  Ryan Seacrest is just the right person to help calm the contestants before they sing and afterward. He helps them celebrate as well as console them.  The show is so different, it almost should have a different name.  It is definitely worth of the investment to watch the show now.

Owed Two A Spell Cheque

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew 

Made in America?

Give me a break: Gadhafi has proven, once again, how crazy he is as he blames Bin Laden for the demonstrations.  He has also compared himself to Queen Elizabeth and says that no one has asked her to step down. 

Go into a gift store in any national monument or at the Smithsonian.  You will not find more than 1% of the souvenirs that are sold to be made in America.  It comes down to the cost, as well as many items are no longer made here.  I am ashamed that we EVEN sell American souvenirs that are not made here.  I think they should be outlawed.

I wonder how bad this problem is.  What percentage of the war good (i.e planes, humvees, guns, missiles, ammunition, helicopters, ships, torpedoes, boats, uniforms, ...) are made in America.  I bet is is very small.  What if we went to war against the country that supplied the supplies?  I know it would cost more, but it costs too much in jobs and the economy NOT to require that all these items be made 100% in America!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the green keeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

Hangover 
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now....

Lockerbie Revisited...

Ever wonder why after 42 years of being in power nobody REALLY knows how to spell Moammar's last name: Gaddafi, Gadhafi, Kaddafi, Kadhafi, Qaddafi or Qadhafi?  Does it have a "el-" prefix or not ? Also, how come he's just a Colonel?  You would think that he's certainly got the power to be promoted to General or Supreme Ruler....   Inquiring minds want to know!

Are you curious why I continue to write this blog?  Sometimes I wonder too.  It does give me a very small creative outlet.  It helps me (sometimes) to release the tensions that build up because of frustrations in the day.  Many times I wish that the blog was better than it is (a good sign).  Apparently, from the comments, I have many more people reading the blog than have signed up as followers.  I don't know if that is a good thing, but perhaps some don't wish to claim that they share my opinions or humor.  I wish they would be more constructive in their comments. 

Just in: Ex-Libyan Minister now claims that Qaddafi ordered the Lockerbie bombing.  Wow, is this revenge speaking or is their proof? What will Britain do about this?  What will we do?  Like I said, we know he's crazy, but we don't have any idea HOW crazy!

I've been wondering something about the lottery.  When (if) you win, they always ask you if you want an immediate reduced payoff or distribution over 26 years.  I'm pretty sure that if you pick the distribution over 26 years that the pot goes into a bank account and your distribution is from the interest.  After 26 years, the account contents goes to the state (?).  If this is true, the lottery started in 1984, so where is all that money ?

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,

"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Cocoa, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

What's UP?
I'm sure you will enjoy this one as much as I did.
I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.
That little, versatile word is UP.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.< SPAN style="COLOR: rgb(42,42,42); FONT-SIZE: 10pt">

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.  When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!

Bye Bye Gadhafi

Reports this morning, on the radio, claim that the people of Tripoli awoke this morning to 200-600 bodies strewn around the main square. Apparently Gadhafi, who couldn't depend on the loyalty of his own police or military, has hired mercenaries to fire onto the demonstrators from helicopters. While we might have considered him a bit crazy, over the last 42 years, now we know that he is a ruthless killer. Now he even claims that the protesters are on hallucinogenic drugs. The people will not be satisfied with him just stepping down or even jumping ship to another country.  They will want him to fry, with or without a trial.  The people endure whatever it takes...  Where is the compassion in Arab cultures?

Meanwhile, the two Iranian ships proceed to Suez- where they haven't been since 1979. I'm thinking that whatever happens in Libya will set the mood and pace for the others that are struggling- including Iran.

Back on the home front, Dr. Pepper has revealed a new "manly" diet soda called Dr. Pepper 10.  Is this REALLY necessary?  Have we lost all resemblance of a society with respect to the important issues? Would a "manly"(whatever that is) man not drink just ANY soda?  I know I'd pick a beer first...

Funny Presidential Quotes

''I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: 'Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'''
—President John Kennedy

''It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.''
—President John Kennedy, answering a little boy on how he became a war hero

''Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.''
—President John Kennedy

''He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.''
—President Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

''A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.''
—President Franklin Roosevelt

''They say I'm popular on Twitter and Facebook. Or as Sarah Palin says, the 'socialized media.'''
—President Barack Obama, at the 2010 White House Correspondents' Dinner

''If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome.''
—President Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner

''Just think what my margin might have been if I had never left home at all.''
—President John Kennedy, commenting on the fact that he had campaigned hard in Alaska and lost but won Hawaii handily without visiting it

''All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.''
—President Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

''Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.''
—President Lyndon Johnson

''If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'''
—President Lyndon Johnson 

''Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president.''
—President Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner

''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.''
—President John Kennedy

''I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.''
—President John Kennedy, at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners of the Western Hemisphere, the White House, April 29, 1962

''If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?''
—President Abraham Lincoln

''My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.''
—President Jimmy Carter

''Let's not talk so much about vice. I'm against vice in any form.''
—President John Kennedy, to a friend who was telling him that he could be vice-presidential candidate in 1960

''Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.''
—President Lyndon Johnson

''I hope you're all Republicans.''
—President Ronald Reagan, speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

''The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions -- for tax cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts.''
—President George W. Bush on Sen. John Kerry, March 2004  

 

Teetering Libya...

Believe it or not:  A man in Egypt named his baby "Facebook" after the the role it played in the revolution.

Looks like Libya might be the next to fall.  Gadhafi (spelling keeps changing  depending where you look...) is very deserving of what he gets.  He has been pillaging that country and their people for forty years.

I see many places that claim that the iPad couldn't be lower priced, but I differ.  When Polaroid was in business, they charged high priced for both camera and film.  I claimed at the time that they could have given the cameras away for free, because there was so much profit on the film. The more iPads that are in use, the more Apps et cetera that will be sold, and they will self perpetuate.  I think the perfect off from these E-reader companies is to throw in the reader for free or a reduced price given that a certain number of books are purchased.  I honestly believe that it will come to that before long.  The number of E-readers on the market will HAVE to shrink unless they agree on a format very soon...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" 

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. 

GRANDMA as a Senior Driver
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! 

Good and Really Bad Movies...

Last night we went to see "Unknown".  This story unfolded well, a kind of "Bourne" adventure.  It has many special effects and chase scenes, but the best part is the "gotcha" at the end.  All of the loose ends are taken care of.  This is a strong "B" movie.


Upon returning home, we realized that nothing was on TV, so we decided to play on of my son's rental DVDs.  The movie was "Due Date".  This is the sorriest excuse for a movie since "Dinner For Smucks".  How they ever got anybody to fund the making of this catastrophe is beyond me.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."

Attorney
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception(of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN TEXAS
....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps. ....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs


IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS............
That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

An extremely large, muscular woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and pointed to all the men sitting at the bar and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was as usual, VERY drunk. Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!" Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "Which of you men will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina anudder drink!" Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux mah fren', I know it ain't none of my business of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?" Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux . . . to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high gots to be a Ballerina!" 

Entitlements....

Expectations (or entitlements):  Our kids honestly are spoiled.  I don't know anyone that doesn't try very diligently to give more of everything to their kids than you had.  Because of that, they expect more.  They are entitled to it, of course.  We can only blame ourselves for the indulgence.  We could have all learned more from the Tiger Moms.
Now with all the ta-do in Wisconsin as of late, I began to think about the situation a bit more.  We all know that nothing is a 100% given in this world.  We all hope that when the time comes to retire, that the pension that you worked so hard for, is still there (and the company is still in business).  If I were a teacher and I was not expected to pay into Social Security (or the like), I would naturally expect that the alternative retirement options would be available when I retire.  What if they are not? What would I do?
Suppose I was already retired (category 1) and I was dependent on the retirement benefits I am already getting.  There would be no alternative.
Suppose I was still working (category 2) and have put in my "dues" towards retirement expecting the bennies to be there when I'm ready.
And lastly, suppose I am becoming a teacher or whatever (category 3), and am expecting to begin earning the capability to draw on those bennies someday.

I realize, that if the state is broke, all bets are off, but the implied contract here is that those bennies are a promise that needs to continue. Not negotiating on a partial settlement is a bad choice, which will mean that you get nothing. So much for expectations or entitlements!


Wisconsin is not so far removed from many other state, including California.  What will we do?

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just shit my pants"

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ROARRRR!" 

The local newspaper recently asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: is both stupid and an asshole.

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!

• You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
• There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
• The primary color of your car is "bondo".
• You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
• Your family tree doesn't fork.
• Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
• You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
• Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
• You've ever used lard in bed.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
• You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
• You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
• You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
• You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
• You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You go to your family reunion to meet women.
• Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
• You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You've been too drunk to fish.
• You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
• You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
• Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
• You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
• You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
• After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
• The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
• Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
• Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
• If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
• Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
• You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
• You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
• You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
• You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
• There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
• You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
• You've ever made change in the offering plate.
• If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
• You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
• You own at least 20 baseball hats.
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
• You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
• Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
• Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
• You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
• You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
• You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
• You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
• You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
• The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
• You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
• Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
• Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
• Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
• Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
• You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
• You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
• You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
• When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
• Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
• You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
• Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
• Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
• Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
• You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
• Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
• You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
• Exxon and CONOCO have offered you royalties for your hair.
• Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
• You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
• You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.