Sarah Palin is NOT Good at Details....

So UNFINISHED BUSINESS has hit the Palins again.  Sarah Palin sought to trademark her name and her daughters' name (Bristol), but in all the hurry to do so neglected to sign the forms. The Patent Office, of course, refused the applications. Here is another indication of a potential candidate with a never-ending flagrant comment about everything and anything, but NO COMMENT about her unfinished business and why or what for....

For those of you that might be interested in becoming a card-carrying member of the American Redneck Society, I have included their link under "[My Favorite] Important Links"...


We watched the Superbowl half-time and were surprised at how bad Fergie sounded and looked.  What's up with that ?

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again
they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly,
and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do
you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe
he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want
us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I
mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each
other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's
see...February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the
odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-
centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and shove it
................

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh
gosh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes..."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next,
especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back
to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no
way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she
said and everything he said, going over it time and time again,
exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving,
frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Suffering Fame Depletion...

So if you remember, Sarah Palin was in Santa Barbara last evening to speak.  Someone (that has a sense of humor) put up this sign to indicate that her fifteen minutes of fame is almost used up.  I concur wholeheartedly. 

Drove to Eagle Rock to see my daughter today.   It was a beautiful day and we decided to have a picnic at Central Park in Old Pasadena.  It was the clearest I have ever seen the sky in that area.  The park was really very nice with many mature trees and lots of grass.  It was a pleasant journey, as the traffic cooperated with our direction on both going South and returning North.  Got me to thinking that it should be that way all the time....

 

 These were so funny, I had to include them.

           Proof positive that one must maintain a sense of humor
about one’s work, no matter what you do.

  

 
 

"I learned it by watching you, Zuck."

Facebook is "hacked" again!  Actually, it was "scraped".  A new dating site scraped a quarter of a million Facebook sites, without permission, of course.  [Put all your gold in one box, and everyone wants to steal the box!]  I CERTAINLY can say once again (at least once) that I warned you.  Their response to Facebook complaining was, "I learned it by watching you, Zuck."

I remember when IBM took on chess, now they have a computer that is going to play Jeopardy!  I hope their search engine works better than Bing! And I hope Watson wins.  It will be a feather in the cap of the programmers and machine designers, and the prize of $1M.  


Sarah Palin (now copyrighted) will be here in Santa Barbara tonight to speak at the 100th birthday celebration of Ronald Reagan at his Ranch Foundation.  She is going to bend words around the idea that America's successes are ONLY because of Reagan's policies.  Give me a break.  Tomorrow night Dick Cheney is coming to continue the week of celebration.  The cops have their hands full as the town is filled with visitors and celebrities for the International Film Festival.  My wife wanted to know if we were going to go hear her speak.  I was shocked she would ask.  I wouldn't waste my time on Alaska's visionary (Remember she can see Russia from Wasilla!).

The following are supposedly actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

· I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

· Gun wounds again?

· Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

· A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

· Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

· This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

· Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

· I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

· I will surround their house by myself.

· Beat him out of recognizable shape!

· Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

· I have been scared silly too much lately.

· I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

· Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

· The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

· How can you use my intestines as a gift?

· Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some butt of the giant lizard person.

· Your western eyes will be fingered from your face.

· The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

· Feeling sexual we will invade into your women.

· You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,
they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty
minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses..

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant..
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card." 

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher.
Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.   Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.... !!

More About the Bing Sting...

I'm not sure who Mubarak thinks he is fooling, probably himself.  I don't think he will last until September.  I'd bet that if he doesn't step down, he'll get taken out- somehow.

Pleasant surprise- We usually watch American Idol, at least in the beginning of the season during the tryouts.  They are hilarious.  Then, towards the end of the season, we watch to guess at the winner.  We were wondering after they changed judges whether the "magic" would still be there.  I am impressed with Jennifer Lopez.  Not only is she very pleasant to look at, but also pleasant to listen to as she judges the tryouts.  She has just the right amount of humor and compassion without being friggin' silly like Paula Abdul.  Steven Tyler is just funny and spot on for the decisions he makes.  I predict that the show will still be a hit and the judges that left won't make difference...

More about the Bing Sting by Google.  I am actually blown away that Microsoft would do something so stupid.  If Google went down, what would happen to Bing for the duration ??


So apparently all smart phones that are for retail sale today are already antiques.  Their software is out of date and their processors are only half as fast as the ones being made at the same time.  There is no way to catch up on technology.  It is the same issue with flat screen TVs, cameras, laptops and so on.  All one can REALLY expect to do is capture a spot in the evolution of a product before it is replaced by a revolutionary new product.  You really don't pay for a new product, you pay to keep the product that replaces the one you bought off the market for a bit longer...

A young lady had become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke down and cried.

"I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!"

The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital for an appendix operation when you give birth. We'll just give her your baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for an appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was, was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.....you know.....I just HATE drawing welfare...I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided." "You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of  your job assignment, satisfy her urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."  

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators. 

Online Mislaid Trust

Ever wonder what happens with old rotary dial phones and spiral cables (if you remember that far back)?  Here is a good example....

Can you actually believe that Flickr doesn't back up the pictures that you upload?  A user lost 4000 pictures, and they couldn't restore them.  What can you put your trust in anymore?  This is a Yahoo company, which should answer the question as to who is running Flickr, a "bunch of Yahoos", naturally.

I'm still having a reaction to the stupidity of our city council after they spent $50,000 to move some benches to stem panhandling.  These people need help.  Help to help themselves.  The city council could have put better use with that money.  They attack the symptom of the problem instead of the problem.  We have homeless and panhandlers here because of the good weather and the wealth.  Neither of those is going to be affected by moving the benches.  They will do anything to protect tourism.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head.

“No, they’re all at the funeral.”

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

Oil Changing Instructions:
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh
oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floorboard in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.


The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington 

A Lurking Miasma

"It quickly transformed into a miasma [Don't you just love that word?] of lurking dangers, threats to our personal security and safety, and a great way to get fired -- or worse, prosecuted for goodness-knows-what".  Has Facebook lost its allure? Has Zuckerberg made it too complicated to social network without regard to dangers?  Let's hope so...

I hadn't thought about it until now, but I bet the snowy weather in the Midwest and East will probably give a great big boost to online movies.  Who can go to a rental store to get them?

It will be very interesting to see how long Mubarak lasts, given that he "claims" that he will not run again and should be out of office in September.  Someone is going to make sure...just as soon as he exposes himself. For what possible reason would he not step down immediately, unless he hasn't finishes raping the monetary stores of Egypt yet.... I label him a fool that will get his just desserts.


Shame, shame, shame.  Microsoft has been caught copying Google's search results.  Hard to believe, but I wouldn't put it past them.  They've been stung!  
From the movie "City Slickers":
Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? [holds up one finger]
Curly : This.
Mitch : Your finger?
Curly : One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit.
Mitch : But, what is the "one thing?"
Curly : [smiles] That's what *you* have to find out.

Microsoft should concentrate more on what they do best, and let Google do what they do best.  Nobody can do everything well! It make you look like a fool for trying...

A Michigan Senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of a Dealership in Rochester Hills.  Taking off Down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew across M-59, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view Mirror, he saw a Michigan State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing, I'm too old for this" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
 The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Michigan State trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Two good ol' boys up in the Kentucky hills were sitting on the front porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, and after getting off of work at the local coal mine.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 'bout kin, but it'd make us even."

One morning, a husband returns their boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, & begins to read her book.
The peace & solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman & says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies and also thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," ...he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.  

Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."

Equal Opportunities For All

So I am wondering today, why is all the rioting in Egypt going on now.  After all, Mubarak has been in control for thirty years or so.  It certainly wasn't Tunisia's performance that got it moving. IMHO, it is the internet.  Communications are so widespread now, the people there (actually almost everywhere) are getting to see what is going on in the rest of the world- and what they don't have.  They are jealous (and they should be) that with as much wealth as Egypt has, it doesn't get shared equitably.  There are the very rich and there are the very poor- and not much in between.  They depend on over a billion dollars of aid from us that the average Hosni ("Joe") never sees.  They visit their museums and see golden treasures of the past and wonder where theirs is.  I don't blame them for reacting.  The internet is the great leveler.

Does Mark Zuckerberg qualify as the coolest nerd of all time?  Would you think that someone that rich would consider hiring a coach to dress or even how to act?  Is it is no wonder that he's been dating the same girl since college, and she hasn't found someone else or hooked him?


I was a graduate student until 1975.  While I was at UCSB, my colleagues were working on a project funded by the gubmint called Arpanet.  This was the predecessor to the internet as we know it today.  Nineteen years later, in 1994, it still hadn't become common to everyone. Now, seventeen years later it is commonplace and access to it is easy from you hand-held smart phone, your car's dashboard, your appliances, et cetera.  Where are we headed ?

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

How soon can I go home?'For people over 40 . . .
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Gone Postal

I just had a package delivered to my house today.
I never heard of the delivery company before and asked the driver about it.
He told me that he, along with so many others were "Black Balled" from U.P.S. and Federal Express because they have been previously fired from The United States Postal Service.
So they formed a delivery service of their own.
It is called Fed-Up

Throwing Taxpayer Monies Away....

I am outraged!  Why did we save this collective group of pompous asses?  Goldman-Sachs is handing out raises and bonuses at the taxpayer's expense and what is the gubmint doing about it ??  Probably nothing! We live in a country that supports banks but lets the individual blue-collar Joe go on welfare.  What is wrong here?  I wholeheartedly support NOT doing business with ANY banks.  I do whatever I need with a local credit union.  They never forget whose money it is. They work for me, and not the other way around....

Last night we watched "The Other Man", for as long as we could stand it.  No wonder we never heard of it....

Why California is broke...
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

 2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

 9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Wyoming: The Governor of Wyoming is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Wyoming is not.

Short Notice Bang

Too bad they couldn't do any better...on such SHORT notice.  Sarah Palin will be speaking in Santa Barbara to help celebrate Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday.  Maybe it was the best bang for the buck and she was available (since she isn't governor anymore).

Last night we went to a Realtor's open house downtown. Afterward, we decided to walk to dinner.  Currently the Santa Barbara Film Festival is in progress.  The main street through town was blocked off in front of a theater where they were awarding an actress for her performances.  The actress was Annette Bening.  After about ten minutes' wait, a limousine showed up at the end of a red carpet and Annette Bening and her husband Warren Beatty got out and worked the fans.  We were about two feet from them and had a short conversation while they signed autographs.  It was cool.  They ARE real, not just images on the screen!

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

The World’s Funniest Real Ads
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Fraught With Unseen Perils

Bad things happen!  The unexpected is always "not a good thing" in the eyes of those that are trying to read the signs.  I  pontificate on the hazards of security (especially) and identity loss on the internet REGULARLY, but with good reasons.  When I warn my kids, I am poo-pooed.  "That could NEVER happen...", they say.  "I have self restraint about the buttons I push, the websites I visit and the emails I open.  It can't happen to me...", they chant.  I keep telling them that that isn't good enough.  There are ghost sites which mimic the real sites.  One has to be ever so careful that you are giving private information to the correct location, if you really should at all.  There even is a site that provides the capability to "anonymousize" the source of what you send.  Emails received may not be from whom you thought, and actually the fake sources have been "borrowed" from your own directories.  Please don't think that I'm a naysayer.  I love the internet and all that it has to offer.  Unfortunately, one of the byproducts of keeping it unregulated and free are the dangers that "lurk under almost every rock and around almost every corner".  The nature of the internet is not only a profit making venture, but also a scammer's heaven of unlimited methodologies and schemes to play on the naivete of the unsuspecting web surfer.

So Taco Bell says, thanks for suing us, but our taco meat is 88% beef.   What is the rest, a secret blend of Hamburger Helper ?  I always assumed (as they wanted me- the consumer to do) that beef tacos were made with spiced beef- not augmented or supplemented.  To quote another company's campaign slogan, but is very appropriate here, "Where's the beef?".  Why not call them "meat and by-products and extenders tacos?  Mmmmmmmmmmm.

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:

 GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read
"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He puther on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you fricking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. 

Actual Excerpts From Letters To Landlords
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”
“I am writing to you on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”
“Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is funny looking and not fit to drink.”
“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”
“When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”

Kids today are spoiled --

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ###! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and ##*% it all up!
There were no CD players!
We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ### and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-########!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

14) And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Selling Your Vitals and Pics....Shame on You For Letting Them

It continues...Facebook is now allowing advertisers of products that you say "Like" to, the capability to use information, names  and pictures from your profile (BAD)!  Perhaps they did ASK your PERMISSION, but I doubt it.... They should be paying for your endorsement.  I'm sure that Facebook is getting something for providing access, but they are not sharing...  Shame on you for letting them do it!


This is an outrage!  When a mother seeks better educational opportunities for her kids, because the school system has failed; what would you expect the penalties for cheating on your address so thay can go to a better school district.  1.) Kick the kids out and back to their own district, and 2.) Fine the mother with a misdemeanor charge.  In this case, the kids were black and the Akron school district recommended a felony charge which puts the mother in jail, who is keeping the kids' welfare as the primary goal?  Th school district official should be reprimanded or lose his job, but more importantly the District Attorney should be fired for malpractice!

An elderly woman was enjoying a good game of Bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every Bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her Bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing Bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play Bridge, knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

Ponderisms

1 • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3 • Life is sexually transmitted.

4 • Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5 • The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.

6 • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7 • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8 • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9 • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10 • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11 • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

12 • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13 • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup ?

14 • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

15 • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

16 • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the mansaid, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide herfrom the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me withsexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumbto the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for youractions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I dohave one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

IT HAS BEGUN!  First, I warned about the security of Facebook. Today's news is that Zuckerberg's Facebook page was hacked.  The fact is that someone put something on his page.  They could have just as easily raided it for information.  Secondly, I warned that it was expected that Facebook was going to start selling information gained on their user pages.  According to the news, it has begun, as well.  It won't be long before the WRONG INFORMATION is inadvertently released to advertisers or a hacker sells the information.  Security on Facebook is of utmost importance and the highest risk for users....

French President Nicolas Sarkozy  also has his Facebook page hacked.  As a result of the issues today, Zuckerberg has increased the security on Facebook by utilizing Captcha technology.  "With a little motivation and not much skill, it's fairly trivial to sniff HTTP traffic," Alan Ross, the lead security analyst for Intel IT.  Obviously, the Facebook servers don't or didn't think that it was necessary.  This is what I've been getting at.  Facebook is "not ready for primetime" regarding security, given the gargantuan responsiblity that they have accepted.  I hate to say "I told ya so....".

Ancient History Explained...
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!" 

Oh crap... A Canadian Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Goose Bay, Labrador Air Base, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the Canadian Air Force. I've been in Goose Bay, Labrador for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us! 

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

They Walk Among Us!

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS,TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 
'Twas The Month After Christmas
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist;

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls;
The bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!