Wrestling Match

Don't give up on Google.  Investors are not buying into "Facebook is the new Google" idea.  Don't underestimate Google as it's new presence (as Android) has found millions of new homes in smart phones, tablets (and who knows what else).  It's power is limitless and doesn't require membership.


As a baby-boomer I am aghast at what we have done to our future.  Every single one of us wanted to and strived to give our kids better (everything) than we had.  The really unfortunate fact is that our kids expect entitlements and they are lazy.  They are spoiled by the technologies that we brought to the world.  They blame us for pollution and global warming and wars, but those are the prices that we had to pay to bring better to them.  They hold their friendships and attention to video games more tender and important than family.  They won't admit it but that is the case.

I have wrestled with the fact that I have always wanted to write a book, but it has been difficult to get started.  I have been writing this blog now for over a year, and doing a little piece of writing each day has provided an outlet for my opinions and allowed me to share what I think is funny.  I wish I could categorize what it is that I'd like to write about, so I could get started.  They say that the best topics for writing are the ones that you know the best, the subjects that you deal with on a day-to-day basis.  Perhaps I will write about my family and the members' interaction.  Perhaps I REALLY should pick a topic that someone might read, though.  I have a lot of angst bottled up and I have really never cared about who I piss off or make happy.  My opinions have always been free for the asking (or not).  I always have something to share (usually the lighter side) as a response to any topic.  Perhaps that makes me a frustrated comedian.  

Or, I could write about one of my passions.  Photography, Cars, History, Cactus, the Old West, American Indians, or travel.  Focusing on mainly one area is really very hard.  You have to realize why you would do it and what you would get out of it.

Being employed as a Software Engineer, I am trying to read some writing on the wall.  It appears after Microsoft gobbled other competing language companies and phased out COBOL, FORTRAN, Pascal, Turbo C, and I'm sure many more that I'm not aware of, now Microsoft is faltering.  Google is providing the equivalent of Office applications in their cloud, so it is REALLY not necessary to buy them an longer.  The faster and faster processors have made Java the language of choice, so there appears less and less of the need for C or C++.  Soon we will see the introduction of the Android OS for desktop or business use.  Windows will become less favorable (unless they pull off a miracle).  The whole engineering industry is about to shift paradigms.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

Pareidolia or Not ?

More on the New Year's pareidolia.  Perhaps we ARE looking for a explainable pattern, where none exists.

Economic recovery? Where?  I must have missed it....


Now that China has bought up a bunch of Europe's debt to bolster the Euro; how do we all feel that they are going to own so much of the world ?  In today's paper, it says that China now has a stealth fighter (although the picture makes it look much more like a bomber).   Who are they trying to hide from?  After all, they are the landlords!

Save us from Rudy, please!   We need NEW blood in DC, not the same0-same0...


Give me a break, pullease!  The last thing I want to do is flood the internet with tweet messages from my appliances.  Why would my neighbor want to read that my clothes are dry...or my icemaker has filled the receptacle... or my fridge is defrosting now?   We are ALREADY running out of bandwidth.  Giving appliances a means to create additional clogs is ludicrous!  If it is so important to know when my clothes are done washing on my smart phone, why not expend the effort to allow my washer to dry them, so I don't have to move the clothes.  Or have my fridge create me a shopping list of the items I have emptied and then order those items from the market and have them automatically delivered.  How lazy should I allow myself to get ?  It won't be long before we all look like the people in Wall-E!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a particularly
beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and
form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had,
protruding from his navel, a silver screw.

Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet
it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he would go into the
deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver
screw.

Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a
bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to
conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too
heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.'

The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her
gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a
witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a
wish.'

The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please,
please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.'

The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a
rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic
spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and,
struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the
ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's
magic spell.

Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds
appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels
singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light
that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant
golden screwdriver.

As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the
silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant
golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up
the shaft of light which, in turn, disappeared. As did the dark
boiling clouds and celestial chorus.

The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively
touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he
turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.

Piers Morgan Will Be Outgunned...

Just in is that Piers Morgan's first guest on his new show that replaces Larry King will be Oprah Winfrey.  I can't think of anybody that could put him on his best behavior and "in his place" better than she can.  I hope (for his sake) that she likes the experience, because if she doesn't, none of her fans will watch him.

Seems as though MANY companies are updating their logos (not just Starbucks).  They must have either raised their prices or shrunk their products. 

Is the Woodie dead ?  No car manufacturers make cars with wood on the sides or even simulated wood on the sides anymore.  Why were we attracted to that combination, and why aren't we anymore ? 

Why are all these bird and fish dying all over the world ?  It this a biblical performance or is there a reasonable scientific explanation ?  Also, why is it that mostly one variety of bird is dying, and one variety of fish?  Has there been a chemical poison release ?  Has there been a genetic experiment that went awry ?  Is this a sign from alien visitors of their power ? 

 

A Southern Baptist was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.... After the plane was airborne, drink orders
were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that it's a
woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very
attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest
of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues.
She turns out to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the
parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she
doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable
morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company
and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on
the course for a long time. "In fact.", she says. "I'd like you
to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything.". He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's
ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they
play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly
peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a
magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a
tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last,
again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually
she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs. "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry." she repeats.

"You bastard!" he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"

How to be a good liberal
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory.” I preached and I preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before...and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for more’n 20 years.”

Mebbie I need a New Logo too...

So who do we know that charges way too much for hundreds of variations on a coffee theme ? Starbucks of course.  Now to keep prices down (not really) and profits up (always), they have come out with a new logo, the importance of which has nothing to do with their coffee products, but of course cost them a fortune to redesign, relabel all their products and put new signs on all their stores.  But don't fret, I'm sure they will make the money to pay for it s-o-m-e-w-h-e-r-e!

Here are some interesting tidbits that just maybe you didn't know.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'   (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.'  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your'P's and Q's '

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?  The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen..  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey..  Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Make It Better NOT PC

Today was a beautiful day (except I'm back to work)!

I read today that they were making a new movie out of Huckleberry Finn, but without the N word. Let me make it very clear that I don't like the N word, nor it's connotations. I really don't like screwing with classics, though. Just like I wouldn't do anything to my classic Vette that would make it not classic, I would expect the same respect for Mark Twain or Shakespeare or any other classical piece of work.  I'd just as soon put pants on the statue of David, so as not to offend prudes.  If the movie is worth making, it is worth making "correct" or not at all!

 

I got a FREE rental yesterday and the Redbox was pretty low on selection, so I grabbed "The Other Guys".  Unfortunately, it wasn't worth the rental money!

 

 

PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were in there for only about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

 
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 
My first skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."  

 


Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy. 

Dog Day Afternoon...

Last night we watched a silly movie, "Easy A". It was interesting and entertaining to see how Emma Stone was going extricate herself and reputation from many "innocent" lies.  One redeeming factor was that it was filmed in Ojai (very close to home) and it was interesting to see the town's landmarks over and over again.

It stopped raining long enough to take down the balance of the decorations (this time OUTSIDE), and I think I'm done!  [Unfortunately, I return to work tomorrow...].

I took Max in to the vet this morning.  He was not ecstatic to be there [lost his testicles on a previous visit...].  He was just going in to get his teeth cleaned (especially under the gumline). While he was there, the x-rays showed that one of his molars is infected and has to be pulled.  This does not sound like fun.  Do dogs dream when they are under anesthesia ?

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.” 
(True Story)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Oppossum Drop?

This going to be a heck of a year for numerology.  Edhat has a good description of what is to come.


I thought the ball-drop in New York was kind of stupid, but
Oppossum drop?  Funny about local ways to bring in the new year....

Raining like cats-and-dogs (whatever that means) outside.  It was a good day to put away the remaining Christmas decorations and tree ornaments and get them back into the attic.  We carried the tree outside (in the rain) and finished the rest of the INSIDE of the house.  I still have decorations OUTSIDE to take down and put away.  

Wouldn't it be something if houses were built with strips of LEDs embedded all over?  They could be left exposed or covered with a thin strip until needed for a holiday, when they would be powered on.  Even rain gutters could be built with obscured decorations built in, just waiting for power to cause them to light.

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

1-1-11

Had a lot of fun and good eats with lot's of friends last night playing Bunco and ushering the new year in.  There were some very interesting conversations at the three Bunco tables.  One in particular contained an author.  She said that there is no doubt in her mind that the publishers are trying to rape-us-all-over on book prices before only electronic versions are available (the paradigm shift). Also, currently they are getting the workaround by many authors that choose to publish electronically (only) for free or almost free and therefore also escape the dreaded turn-downs by publishers. After the clean-up is done...time to lay back.

Check that date: we'll never see that again!


It's a new year, and Sarah Palin is still full of crap!  Some things never change! [The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits........Albert Einstein]

We went to see "The King's Speech" tonight and all I can say is bravo.  It is a well done period piece with super costuming and proper sets. The performances by Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush are surely to get Oscar nominations as they were enviably well done.  It is really nice to go see a movie without special effects, CGI, sex or violence and still eave the theater with a satisfying experiance.

"Up in Oregon a female police officer was fired because they
found out she was selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her squad
car. They got suspicious when she described a suspect as tall,
Caucasian, and an Autumn."
- Bill Maher

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily
dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for
just such an occasion

"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.

Top 10 New Years resolutions for dogs  
1.Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2.Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

3.I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

4.Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

5.Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6.Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

7.Always scoot before licking.

8.Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

9.January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

10.I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Happy New Year To All

Earlier this year, when we visited Savannah, every tour we went on said the filmed "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" there.  Here is where the actors stayed.  This is where the Mercer House is.  This is the Forsyth Fountain. Here is the cemetery.  These places were all in the movie.  I tried to find the movie for rent, but never could.  Even Blockbuster (famous for $5 rentals) didn't have it.  I couldn't find it to watch online either.  Finally I bought a copy on Ebay for $3.  We watched it last night.  It wasn't bad, but it was strange.  All the revelations in the movie were observed while we were there except the man that kept flies on strings and the butler that walked an empty collar on leash because the dog had died.  This is a worthwhile movie to watch and Savannah is a very worthwhile place to visit, but not necessarily for the same reasons.


So we spent much of yesterday and today putting together a Bunco party for tonight. My wife goes off to play about once a month and usually wins some money.  We hope we win some tonight too.  The MegaLottery is $242,000,000 tonight.  I hope someone finally wins (especially us)!
 

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your
parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the fuck cut your your hair?" 

Marriage Postulates

* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. - To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men, - but married men are a lot more willing to go.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes, - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

 

Two Different Diaries

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid. 

Kodachrome...RIP

More errands for New Year's and chores around the house to do today.  It is no fun, but I can't postpone them until NEXT year.


We had enough wind today to drive Columbus back home.  It was even hard to take Max for a walk.  It is a good night to curl up on the couch next to the fireplace and watch an old movie.

The end of an era occurs today with the end of Kodachrome. No more slides. Photography now lies in the capable hands of the Photoshop editor instead of the photographer.

In spite of the prosperous holiday retail season, Borders and Barnes & Noble will close this weekend.  This will most certainly be another step in the trend of moving to electronic based reading materials. While there is actually less vacant storefronts downtown, restaurants and stores that would expect to have good business are closing.  I'm not sure I understand.  Being a landlord, I would much rather have a unit rented (at a lower price) than vacant.  Man landlords are selfish and force out tenants by raising the rent beyond reasonable.
 

Husband and wife
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Ralph, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Ralph's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Walt.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Walt responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Walt blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Walt.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Walt yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Walt dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

Wall Street Hype

I've been thinking about New Year's resolutions.  I want to choose wisely, so that I'm successful. 
 
So tonight we watched "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps".  After all thy hype and anticipation, this was not the movie I expected. There wasn't one particular aspect that I could point at that was lacking, except perhaps depth of the story.  We are supposed to know the characters from the first Wall Street movie, but it as though they didn't develop any further.  I was disappointed.

 

A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

The P's

The preposterous pandering by probably paid posters predicting
the precipitous plunge and plummeting of precious products by
purported professionals has proven predictably premature
and profoundly psychotic.




New year's prayer for seniors

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.

He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. By entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...


"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight." 

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”  

Bring on the Earthquakes...

I can't emphasize enough how glad I don't have to deal with the weather issues on the Midwest and East coast.  I'll take earthquakes and fires any day.


Let me mention again how wonderful it is that we have not heard from Meg Whitman since the election.  I am still amazed by the lack of political ads and bullsh*t!  There is certainly enough flowing from other directions.


So it appears as though new laws that take effect next year will allow dogs to accompany their owners in restaurant's outside seating.  I am amazed actually.  When the owner needs to go to the restroom, what will happen with his dog?  What happens when tables with dogs are next to each other?  This new law took me by surprise and I'm predicting that it will ONLY work in a small percentage of cases.  We'll see...

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away I called after him "so, what was wrong?"

He replied, "it was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, "an ID ten t error? What's that?"

I wanted to know in case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . . . "haven't you ever heard of a ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down" he said, "I think you will figure it out."

So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

REDNECK BUMPER STICKERS

This British gentleman and his wife stop at a diner for lunch. Just as they are sitting down a biker walks in and as he passes their table, he lets out the nastiest juicy fart you've ever heard.

The Brit stands up, puts his hands on his hips, and yells "How dare you fart before my wife".

The biker says "Chill out, little dude. I didn't know it was her turn".

 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!  

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."  

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."  

The Dad was driving his five year old son to school and then suddenly by mistake his hand hit the horn.

The boy started looking curiously at the Dad hearing the sound.

So the embarrassed Dad explained, "I am sorry son I just hit the Horn inadvertently."

The boy started giggling, "I know that Dad, because otherwise you would yell 'ASSHOLE' after honking."  

Gritty

Last night we went to see "True Grit".  Remembering the original, with John Wayne, it was difficult for me to fathom how it could be improved.  The latest version, which is supposed to follow the book more closely, is much more graphic (and "gritty").  Jeff Bridges' performance was wonderful.  Hailee Steinfeld has been discovered.  She was amazing in this role.  The only complaint (which is not really a complaint) is the script is written (apparently) devoid of contractions.  While it may be more correct or holding to the book, listening to "I do not"s instead of "I don't"s throughout the movie was (at times) painful.  Matt Damon played his character truthfully and well, but it was difficult to see him do so.



This is the first time (in over a year) that I have not yet found any appropriate jokes to accompany my commentary!  I'll have to do a search....

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

Wisdom from Grandpa . . .

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

Southern WomenThe owner of a golf course in North Carolina was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of North Carolina and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Southern women.