Make It Better NOT PC

Today was a beautiful day (except I'm back to work)!

I read today that they were making a new movie out of Huckleberry Finn, but without the N word. Let me make it very clear that I don't like the N word, nor it's connotations. I really don't like screwing with classics, though. Just like I wouldn't do anything to my classic Vette that would make it not classic, I would expect the same respect for Mark Twain or Shakespeare or any other classical piece of work.  I'd just as soon put pants on the statue of David, so as not to offend prudes.  If the movie is worth making, it is worth making "correct" or not at all!

 

I got a FREE rental yesterday and the Redbox was pretty low on selection, so I grabbed "The Other Guys".  Unfortunately, it wasn't worth the rental money!

 

 

PARKING TICKET
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were in there for only about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

 
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 
My first skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."  

 


Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy. 

Dog Day Afternoon...

Last night we watched a silly movie, "Easy A". It was interesting and entertaining to see how Emma Stone was going extricate herself and reputation from many "innocent" lies.  One redeeming factor was that it was filmed in Ojai (very close to home) and it was interesting to see the town's landmarks over and over again.

It stopped raining long enough to take down the balance of the decorations (this time OUTSIDE), and I think I'm done!  [Unfortunately, I return to work tomorrow...].

I took Max in to the vet this morning.  He was not ecstatic to be there [lost his testicles on a previous visit...].  He was just going in to get his teeth cleaned (especially under the gumline). While he was there, the x-rays showed that one of his molars is infected and has to be pulled.  This does not sound like fun.  Do dogs dream when they are under anesthesia ?

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.” 
(True Story)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Oppossum Drop?

This going to be a heck of a year for numerology.  Edhat has a good description of what is to come.


I thought the ball-drop in New York was kind of stupid, but
Oppossum drop?  Funny about local ways to bring in the new year....

Raining like cats-and-dogs (whatever that means) outside.  It was a good day to put away the remaining Christmas decorations and tree ornaments and get them back into the attic.  We carried the tree outside (in the rain) and finished the rest of the INSIDE of the house.  I still have decorations OUTSIDE to take down and put away.  

Wouldn't it be something if houses were built with strips of LEDs embedded all over?  They could be left exposed or covered with a thin strip until needed for a holiday, when they would be powered on.  Even rain gutters could be built with obscured decorations built in, just waiting for power to cause them to light.

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

1-1-11

Had a lot of fun and good eats with lot's of friends last night playing Bunco and ushering the new year in.  There were some very interesting conversations at the three Bunco tables.  One in particular contained an author.  She said that there is no doubt in her mind that the publishers are trying to rape-us-all-over on book prices before only electronic versions are available (the paradigm shift). Also, currently they are getting the workaround by many authors that choose to publish electronically (only) for free or almost free and therefore also escape the dreaded turn-downs by publishers. After the clean-up is done...time to lay back.

Check that date: we'll never see that again!


It's a new year, and Sarah Palin is still full of crap!  Some things never change! [The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits........Albert Einstein]

We went to see "The King's Speech" tonight and all I can say is bravo.  It is a well done period piece with super costuming and proper sets. The performances by Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush are surely to get Oscar nominations as they were enviably well done.  It is really nice to go see a movie without special effects, CGI, sex or violence and still eave the theater with a satisfying experiance.

"Up in Oregon a female police officer was fired because they
found out she was selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her squad
car. They got suspicious when she described a suspect as tall,
Caucasian, and an Autumn."
- Bill Maher

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily
dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for
just such an occasion

"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.

Top 10 New Years resolutions for dogs  
1.Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2.Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

3.I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

4.Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

5.Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6.Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

7.Always scoot before licking.

8.Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

9.January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

10.I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Happy New Year To All

Earlier this year, when we visited Savannah, every tour we went on said the filmed "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" there.  Here is where the actors stayed.  This is where the Mercer House is.  This is the Forsyth Fountain. Here is the cemetery.  These places were all in the movie.  I tried to find the movie for rent, but never could.  Even Blockbuster (famous for $5 rentals) didn't have it.  I couldn't find it to watch online either.  Finally I bought a copy on Ebay for $3.  We watched it last night.  It wasn't bad, but it was strange.  All the revelations in the movie were observed while we were there except the man that kept flies on strings and the butler that walked an empty collar on leash because the dog had died.  This is a worthwhile movie to watch and Savannah is a very worthwhile place to visit, but not necessarily for the same reasons.


So we spent much of yesterday and today putting together a Bunco party for tonight. My wife goes off to play about once a month and usually wins some money.  We hope we win some tonight too.  The MegaLottery is $242,000,000 tonight.  I hope someone finally wins (especially us)!
 

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your
parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the fuck cut your your hair?" 

Marriage Postulates

* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. - To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men, - but married men are a lot more willing to go.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes, - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

 

Two Different Diaries

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid. 

Kodachrome...RIP

More errands for New Year's and chores around the house to do today.  It is no fun, but I can't postpone them until NEXT year.


We had enough wind today to drive Columbus back home.  It was even hard to take Max for a walk.  It is a good night to curl up on the couch next to the fireplace and watch an old movie.

The end of an era occurs today with the end of Kodachrome. No more slides. Photography now lies in the capable hands of the Photoshop editor instead of the photographer.

In spite of the prosperous holiday retail season, Borders and Barnes & Noble will close this weekend.  This will most certainly be another step in the trend of moving to electronic based reading materials. While there is actually less vacant storefronts downtown, restaurants and stores that would expect to have good business are closing.  I'm not sure I understand.  Being a landlord, I would much rather have a unit rented (at a lower price) than vacant.  Man landlords are selfish and force out tenants by raising the rent beyond reasonable.
 

Husband and wife
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Ralph, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Ralph's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Walt.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Walt responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Walt blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Walt.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Walt yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Walt dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

Wall Street Hype

I've been thinking about New Year's resolutions.  I want to choose wisely, so that I'm successful. 
 
So tonight we watched "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps".  After all thy hype and anticipation, this was not the movie I expected. There wasn't one particular aspect that I could point at that was lacking, except perhaps depth of the story.  We are supposed to know the characters from the first Wall Street movie, but it as though they didn't develop any further.  I was disappointed.

 

A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

The P's

The preposterous pandering by probably paid posters predicting
the precipitous plunge and plummeting of precious products by
purported professionals has proven predictably premature
and profoundly psychotic.




New year's prayer for seniors

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.

He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. By entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...


"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight." 

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”  

Bring on the Earthquakes...

I can't emphasize enough how glad I don't have to deal with the weather issues on the Midwest and East coast.  I'll take earthquakes and fires any day.


Let me mention again how wonderful it is that we have not heard from Meg Whitman since the election.  I am still amazed by the lack of political ads and bullsh*t!  There is certainly enough flowing from other directions.


So it appears as though new laws that take effect next year will allow dogs to accompany their owners in restaurant's outside seating.  I am amazed actually.  When the owner needs to go to the restroom, what will happen with his dog?  What happens when tables with dogs are next to each other?  This new law took me by surprise and I'm predicting that it will ONLY work in a small percentage of cases.  We'll see...

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away I called after him "so, what was wrong?"

He replied, "it was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, "an ID ten t error? What's that?"

I wanted to know in case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned . . . "haven't you ever heard of a ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down" he said, "I think you will figure it out."

So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

REDNECK BUMPER STICKERS

This British gentleman and his wife stop at a diner for lunch. Just as they are sitting down a biker walks in and as he passes their table, he lets out the nastiest juicy fart you've ever heard.

The Brit stands up, puts his hands on his hips, and yells "How dare you fart before my wife".

The biker says "Chill out, little dude. I didn't know it was her turn".

 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!  

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."  

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."  

The Dad was driving his five year old son to school and then suddenly by mistake his hand hit the horn.

The boy started looking curiously at the Dad hearing the sound.

So the embarrassed Dad explained, "I am sorry son I just hit the Horn inadvertently."

The boy started giggling, "I know that Dad, because otherwise you would yell 'ASSHOLE' after honking."  

Gritty

Last night we went to see "True Grit".  Remembering the original, with John Wayne, it was difficult for me to fathom how it could be improved.  The latest version, which is supposed to follow the book more closely, is much more graphic (and "gritty").  Jeff Bridges' performance was wonderful.  Hailee Steinfeld has been discovered.  She was amazing in this role.  The only complaint (which is not really a complaint) is the script is written (apparently) devoid of contractions.  While it may be more correct or holding to the book, listening to "I do not"s instead of "I don't"s throughout the movie was (at times) painful.  Matt Damon played his character truthfully and well, but it was difficult to see him do so.



This is the first time (in over a year) that I have not yet found any appropriate jokes to accompany my commentary!  I'll have to do a search....

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

Wisdom from Grandpa . . .

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

Southern WomenThe owner of a golf course in North Carolina was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of North Carolina and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Southern women.

Recovering From A Roast Beast Feast

The Christmas Holiday was a lot of work, but it was enjoyed by everyone.  Yesterday after the present-opening ceremonies, we made a large dinner and invited a bunch of people over.  The feast of roast beast was well received, followed by desserts aplenty until we thought we'd burst.  The hits of each phase of the dinner were Frog Balls (pickled Brussels Sprouts), prime rib, Italian macaroni salad, Yukon gold potatoes au-gratin, Guinness gingerbread, raspberry tort, persimmon cake, and home made English toffee.  

I slipped out about 6:15 for a quick run to the airport to pick up a friend (that lives in Phoenix) to surprise his mother and siblings in Goleta.  Just as I was about to leave the day-long threatening sky opened up and it was raining buckets.  The airport, being that it is at sea level, does not have any drainage (they'd have to pump it uphill).  It a very short time the rainwater was lapping over the curbs.  I found myself standing in four-inch deep water by the time his late plane landed and he claimed his luggage.  It is a good thing it doesn't rain much here...

Last night, after everyone left, we filled the dishwasher and watched "The American".  The high points of the movies were the sex scenes, which, for the most part, contained the ONLY memorable action.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting - even the mouse;
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore;
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror -
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said, “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox;
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came,
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears,
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's - all here!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work,
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk;
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got... you'll be paying all year!” 

Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over
9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent
8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage
7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims adjuster name Duane
6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day
5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source
4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year
3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn
2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian
1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King 

Children Writing About The Sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my dad keeps shouting at my mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each
other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Happy Christmas and To all A Good Night!!!

All is not lost, there is a Christmas!  The game show "Million Dollar Money Drop" has decided to attempt to rectify their earlier mistake by giving the scorned couple another chance.  I could only be happier if they just ponied up the $800K instead....

Par for the course is to have a blocked drain on Christmas Eve. If I couldn't fix it, it would have stayed clogged until Monday!

Happy Christmas and To all A Good Night!!!

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.” 

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us. 

Oprah Concurs!

Now that the menu and the guest list is pretty much set, I have a mile-long grocery list to attend to today.

The world has spoken (or at least Oprah)!  Palin hasn't got chance at the Presidency. She just catches our eye, currently, because she has a nasty comment about every political occurrence.

The roads are like bumper cars and the stores like a zoo.  Having all that rain for six days must have crimped shopper's style and they are making up for it now...

The Wife And The Window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.

That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge."

Senior Texting
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil  

Palin is Wrong!" - Huckabee

I have new respect for Huckabee as he exclaims that Palin is wrong! 

So pushed rehab employee (supposedly by Lindsay Lohan) has been fired for breaking the center's confidentiality policy.   Maybe this employee shouldn't have been working there at all.  The story has suggested that she might be exaggerating to get "paid off".  I'm sure we'll find out....

Looks like the TV game show Million Dollar Money Drop made a mistake last night and the contestants were due $800K.  We'll be watching to see if they remedy the situation.... 

It appears as the Palins are making out like bandits.  Why would they want to bother with the Presidency ?

 

 

You Know You're In Alaska When...-you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
-the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
-there is only one shopping plaza in town.
-the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
-the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
-you find -60c a might chilly.
-the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
-you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
-you can play road hockey on ice skates.
-shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
-you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
-when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.
-when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.
-when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
-all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.
-your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
-freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.
-you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
-you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
-the mosquitoes have landing lights.
-you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
-you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
-you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
-driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
-you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
-you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
-at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
-the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
-your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
-you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
-you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

Ebonic Christmas

Was de nite befo chrismas
an all ober da hood
erbody wuz asleepin
dey wuz asleepin good

We hanged up wez stockin
an hope like de heck
dat ole sanny claws
gon bring us a check

All de fambly
wuz lay in dey beds
while thunderbird wine
dance in dey heads

I be pass out on de flo
rite nex to my maw
when i heered a big fuss
i thot. "it muss be da law"

Look out thru da bars
dat cover mah do
spectin da poleece
wif a warrant fo sho.

An what I seed
made me say "lawd looks at dat"
wuz a huge watermelon
pulled by giant warf rats.

Now all ober da years
sanny claws he be white
but he lookin like us bros
black sanny claws tomite

Faster den a poleece car
my homie he came
he pushed on dem warf rats
an called dem by name

On Leroy, on roosevelt
on Lonzo, on Sherman Lee
on Rufus and Willie
dey wuz a site to be see

He landed dat watermelon
out dere on da skreet
I knew it wuz fo sho
damest site i ever seed

He dint go down no chimmy
he pick da lock on my do
and i sex to mysef
"shit, he done dis befo"

He had dis big ol bag
full of presents i spect
wif air jordans and fake gold
fo wear round my nek

But he lef no good presents
jus started stealin my shit
got my drugs an my guns
an my burglars kit.

Wif my shit in his bag
out da winno he flew
I woodsa cut him
but he stole my nife too

He jump on da watermelon
an whooped out a switch
he wuz gon in a second
dat ole son of a bitch

Nex year I be hopin
a white sanny we git
cuz a black sanny claws
he ain't worf a shit. 

Twelve Days of Fast Food 

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese

The Night Before a Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.


Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.

And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.

I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.

The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.

And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:

"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"

"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"

You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?

That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.

Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!

He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.

When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!

I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.

He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"