Aliens Right Here On Earth

So scientists have discovered bacteria that will live off of toxic arsenic thereby extending the definition of life (as they know it) and allowing the possibility of life on uninhabitable planets.  Why not use this bacteria to clean up toxic dumps where arsenic is the culprit ???


When the Federal gubmint decides to replace cars in the motor pool, do they buy from the lowest bidder (like Hyundai)- or do they get cars from their own company, GM ?

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The
woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.

The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants
and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.

They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says  "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES !!

A little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, and Santa asked his usual question of her: "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute and then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Walkin in a Doggie Wonderland
Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland." 

Cable Companies Gotta Keep Revenue Up

So to escape the high prices for poor performance of cable TV, the plan was to keep the cable internet, buy a content streaming box (like a Roku) and get a NetFlix online account for $8 a month. Today, a large (very) cable company announced that there would be a surcharge for streaming from certain websites like NetFlix (after all, they have to keep their revenues up).  This somehow doesn't seem right.  It also means that the cable company is going to "spy" on your usage to see what website you are on when you use more bandwidth that normal.  I don't think that that is legal, somehow.  This all is occurring because their prices have inched up to the point that the content isn't worth the price they charge.  They promised, "Once we are all digital, we will sell content in a smorgasbord style, so you don't have to pay for channels you don't want." RIGHT!

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the
lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back
into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

A: Carry-Oakies 


Redneck Santa

And my wife thought all those deer heads I had mounted on the wall would never have any use! 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

Twas the month before Christmas
and all through the net your local craigs listers were pitching a fit....
the ads were all posted by category with care
in hope that the trolls would not be there
the posters were posting all snug in there chairs
while visions of the free section danced in there heads
with bobby lee in her bootyshorts and I in my saggin pants
had just settled down to read through the craigslisters rants
when out on the lawn there arose such a noise
was some asshole stealing the free stuff along with yard supplies
away to my computer I flew like a flash
opened up craigslist and threw up my hands
the sight that i saw there so heinous and grievous
a fake ad was posted offering everything in my yard as freebies
I flagged the ad and while pulling my hair
the Craigslist police responded that they didn't care
with my hair pulled out and royaly pissed
I posted my own ad it went something like this
look here you asshole that took all my shit
you flaggers you trolls you freebie leeches
you resellers you spammers and wannabe policers
you people who claim your all in such need
you show up in hummers smokin on weed
if you cant afford some basic supplies'
than sell off your luxuries I did reply
So up to the top my posting just flew
With these words of anger I felt my duty was through.
And then, with a dinging I finally heard
my ad was posted for all those little turds
then got an email in about a hour
those faggots had flagged me my mood went sour
I turned off my computer
and logged off of the net
I went and sat down
and did other stuff instead
I thought to myself inside of my head
I have a life and I work and I play
but these other people stay on craigslist all f**king day
so get out of your chairs
try to get a life and leave people alone
on these cold winters nights
get off of craigslist and go to the bar
...wait...I forgot....your ad ...WANTED:FREE CAR  

NavigatorThe scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer
captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." 

Most Wanted WikiLeaks....

It's very interesting that today there was a serious hacking of the WikiLeaks website as well as Interpol putting out a warrant for the founder's arrest on alleged sex crimes.  I wonder if the gubmint had anything to do with this "putting out of commission" of the website- and just before he goes after a bank!  It is just too much to accept.  I'll wait for the movie...

The founder ALSO called for Hillary's resignation!  What does he know that we all should?  
Or is he just tired of seeing her face in the news ?

Letter to Santa ...BRILLIANT

Sent to me with a picture of a darling little girl, on her knees praying..... "Dear Santa, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!!

PIZZA

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"




  

New TSA bumper stickers

Christmas as discussed by engineers
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of  75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second at 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance which would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 Gs.

A 250 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

The CIA Caught With Thier Pants Down

Back to work this morning... new carpet, painted walls, sealed and striped the parking lot while I was off.  At least they kept busy...

Try as I might I cannot figure out why WikiLeaks exists or even does what it does.  I would suspect that the gubmint will find something that they can charge them with or they will harass them until they stop.  Even more important, though, is where are they getting these documents to reveal ?  Why can't the CIA figure out where they are coming from ?  What makes them so good at covering their tracks ?

Three proofs

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. 

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

 
Bizarre Police Reports
In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead. 

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open.
After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Does the Road Remember ?

We drove down to Occidental today to drop off my daughter at school.  I made some observations about the traffic which don't make any sense.  Usually, the traffic backs up going South on 101 a few miles before the 405 interchange.  Today, there wasn't any traffic (pretty amazing, really).  On the way home, there wasn't much traffic either until we got close to the Rincon, where everyone was stopped.  We thought it might be because the lanes go from three to two close by there, but after we lost one lane, nothing changed.  Traffic was slow like the road remembered previous incidents and caused the cars to slow down.  It was like that all the way home, and we never passed anything that would have been the cause!

Senator McCain is wondering why China is not stepping in to quell the current problems between North and South Korea. He should have figured by now that China is going to let them both blow each other to smithereens and then just sashay over and take control.  China has the power to stop it.  We all know that.  The sword rattling is not a good thing, but I believe that China thinks it is just that, a big bluff!

Letter from a Redneck Mother...
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." 

Reminisce Today...

What a different world!!!! Time to reminisce...  I know you can never go back, but I've have always wanted a "simpler" life like in the 50s.

I received an email with this content today.  It got me thinking...

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,  

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon , Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fifty's,
you missed the greatest time in history,




Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

HP7

Had a nice family Thanksgiving dinner and then decided to go see the latest Harry Potter movie.  The theater was only about half-full which was nice.  The story was well done, not leaving out any particular details from the book.  The mood of the movie expressed the gravity of the plot.  The acting was actually pretty well done.  Except for it's very abrupt ending (since this is only part 1), the almost three hour movie kept moving a a good pace and I was wanting more movie when it ended. 

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have  choices in life:  You can stay single and
be miserable, or get  married and wish you were dead.

Marriage is the triumph  of imagination over intelligence.

A Woman's Prayer
'Dear Lord, I pray  for Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and  for patience for his moods.  Because Lord, if I pray for  Strength, I'll just beat him to death'

A Mafia  Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Enzo would hear  nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather  tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs  back, "I don't know what you are talking  about."

The lawyer  tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The  Godfather  pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer  signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't  tell him."

Enzo signs  back, "OK. You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried  behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!

The Godfather  asks the lawyer, "What did he  say?"

The lawyer  replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull
the  trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.

However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"