Sword Waving...

Looks like the North Koreans are waving their swords again.  Isn't it amazing what jealousy will cause a country to do ?   So we are sending our ships in and the North Koreans won't even acknowledge that anybody else needs to be at the "peace" table except the South Koreans.  Next they will want the "table" to be in North Korea.  This is another job we should have finished when we had the chance.  Now since the have nukes, China and Japan will want to be part of the peace to be sure of peace.  I don't believe that the sword waving is done yet.  It is so unfortunate that innocent people were killed just to get attention.

 

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "

The third man said, "I died of seenus."

The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us! 

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

Brands?

Have you ever thought about brands and the loyalty that they command ?  I remember when I was a kid, we had a Curtis-Mathes TV.  I had a friend with a Zenith ("The Quality Goes In Before the Name Goes ON.", with a remote control.  I was really envious.  I always thought of Zenith as a "Cadillac" of brands.  As manufacturing moved out of the US, the Japanese and Korean sets took over as premium brands.  For a while. if you didn't have a Sony, you weren't "cool".  What happened to the Zenith (or RCA, or Quasar, ...) brand ?  I believe it was sold to LG Electronics (previously known as Goldstar, from South Korea).  So now, if you are an old fogey and still remember Zenith as a brand, you might be swayed to purchase one product over another because of "name recognition".  In this case, LG bought the name.  
Another example could be General Motors.  There are examples of so called Chevy families who wouldn't consider buying anything else.  As the brand's products fell behind in reliability and style, and therefore resale value; they were abandoned.  It wasn't an easy thing for those families to accomplish, but they did.  They jumped to Toyota, Honda and Nissan in droves.  Here was a car and company that they could trust to get the service and resale return.  Toyota recently tested this with the problems that they had earlier this year.  Apparently, they came out of it smelling like a (trampled) rose.
I've given up on most brands.  I'm just looking for value.  Most small appliances are no longer built in such a way to be repairable, so buying a premium brand doesn't necessarily make any sense anymore.  Larger appliances are being replaced by Asian and European brands (even with American names, and I haven,t even touched store branding). Store brands, like Kenmore, are usually made by some major brand (god knows, as it changes whenever they feel like it), but sold here for less. Those companies are offering more features for about the same cost, while reliability is way up.  
Cars are a whole 'nuther can 'o worms.  Not only do we have technology, "Green-ness" and cost pushing at us, but also guilt.  I want a medium to large car for the safety and convenience.  I should buy a small car to save on gasoline.  I should buy a hybrid to help avoid "Global Warming".  Should I buy a brand I recognize ("other than a Coda or Kia or Smart") or buy what looks and sounds good when I buy it, forgetting about two, four or six years from now.  Maybe I should buy an electric car.  What if the batteries run down while I'm not home.  How do I recharge it ?  Maybe I should buy a scooter, for short commutes.  Unfortunately, there are still heavy duty trucks and SUVs to share the road with.  Same problem with riding a bike.  Maybe I'll just walk...everywhere....


So Turkey prices are up this year (What isn't?).  That is still not a reason to serve Tofurkey, but this might be:  AOL News is suggesting that one substitutes roadkill!  Even with all the advantages over Tofurkey, I'd gladly give up eating meat instead!

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told
to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

 

From a Church Bulletin

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .

Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.
Now how does that sound?"

He says,

"Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic,

but you need to press 9 for an outside line..."

A young man named Bill received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Bill tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bill was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Bill shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Bill, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bill quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Bill was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

Before he could ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly - "May I ask what the Turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! 

No more for sure...

I remember when I was a kid (like it was yesterday) the week long news coverage of JFKs assassination.  I was in a classroom in junior high when the announcement came over the intercom. The teacher burst out in tears and everyone was very quiet.  That was 47 years ago today. It is still very sad.  Can you just imagine how history might have been different had this not happened ?  Will we ever know (or be told, since probably the gubmint knows) whether the gunman acted alone and if not, who was behind it all.  This is certainly a piece of history we all could have done without and certainly do not want it to repeat.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress
his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

HAVING BOYS
NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors!

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies .

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson  

TSA Slogans

Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank

We are now free to move about your pants

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You were a virgin.

We handle more packages than the USPS  

Fly, Never Again....

Used say that it was summer so long here that Thanksgiving came in the middle of it.  This year, we hardly saw summer at all.  The holidays still snuck up on me, but I can't blame it on the weather...

We all want to be safe, yet we don't want to be as safe as we can.  You can't look through my clothes and you can't grope me during a mandatory pat-down in order to make me safe.  What if we didn't do anything, would people still fly ?   They probably would.  Of course we'd ask them to sign away all liability to the airline, crew and gubmint.  Perhaps the only solution is to overrun the trans with passengers to the point that a high-speed train becomes a plausible alternative to air travel.  Why do we think that the nasties won't want to hijack a train (what for?) ?   Even if they blew up a train, it would surely cause damage and hurt a lot of innocent people, but it doesn't have the news impact of the airline disasters.  So as I said in a previous blog entry, why would I want to fly anymore ?  There are way too many reasons to avoid it!

 

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Funny Signs or Advertising by Small Store Owners

1. Gas Station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

2. Furniture Store — Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

3. Drugstore – Why be cheated elsewhere when you can come here?

4. Loan Company – Ask about our plans of owning your home.

5. Clothing Store – Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

6. General Store (antiques) – We buy junk and sell antiques.

7. Camera Store — One hour photos ready in 20 minutes.

8. Dry Cleaner – 38 years on the same spot.

9. Restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.

10. Bookstore – Rare, out of print and non-existent books.

11. Dry Cleaner – We do not tear your clothing with machinery, we do it carefully by hand.

12. Church – Will the last person to leave please extinguish the perpetual light.

13. Convention Center — For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, we have a daycare center on the first floor.

14. School Basketball Court — Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended.

15. Hospital Maternity Ward — No Children Allowed.

16. Cemetery – People are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own grave(s).

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." 

Condoms, Indian-noplace and Momma Grizzly

So today the Pope announced that condoms may be okay sometimes!  This is a shock.  So when is the best time to use one ?  How about when I don't want any unplanned pregnancies- what a novel idea.  The claim is that it would only be for prevention of disease, but I imagine that excuse could be stretched as much as a condom...


CNN Money claims that Indian-noplace is the most affordable location to buy a house.  Are there any jobs there that would help one pay for it ?  Probably not.  Least affordable was Staten Island in New York followed by San Francisco.  There are probably just as many jobs there, as well.

The whole story about Palin's viability to be President as well as her daughter Bristol's viability to win Dancing With The Stars:  I'm tired of it all.  The answer is No and No.  We as a country don't have the confidence that we need to allow Palin in the White House, and more than Dancing With The Stars letting Bristol win.  The claim is that Bristol's success is due to her mother's Tea Party-ers should be enough for Bristol to drop out of the competition, if she was truly a Momma Grizzly in disguise.  If you recall, Sarah told her not to go on the show, but she did anyway. Now someone will pay...

Trust ................

John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won’t get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor’s examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man’s butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!

“You know John,” said the doctor, “you’re really going to have to learn to trust me.” 

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table
from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William
finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they
went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to
make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said, "Before we get married or even make
love, I want you to buy me something."

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond
earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you
want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife.
Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he
again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't
without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box.

She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the
bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her
bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the
contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy
Scout knifes.

"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you
already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will
start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me
then?
But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these
knives?"

You know you are doing too much karate if....

You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance.
You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.
You answer Ussss. To your boss.
You are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
You tie your bathrobe belt in a perfect knot; then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.
You accept change from the cashier using a knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
When you're outside doing gardening you practice with all the neat 'weapons'.
You look for new accommodation based on the amount of practice space it provides (who needs a bedroom?).
You find yourself practicing bo techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
You notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets.
You find yourself practicing stances while standing in lines. Strangely, most people are standing cautiously far, far away from you.
You don't use any tools while splitting firewood.  

Holiday Travel Woes....

So let's see, why would I want to fly away during the holidays?  Is is because I would see my favorite relatives ? No.  Is it because flying is such a pain in the butt now because of the schedules and lines ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait to pay to take my suitcase with me ? NO.  Is it because the ticket prices are skyrocketing  during the holiday season ? NO.  Is it because I can't wait for my invasive all-body scan ? NO.  Is it because of the additional danger over weather related problems during flying this time of the year ?  NO.  Is it because of my anxiety over the extended body pat-downs ?  It must be, because I can't think of one good reason to fly during the holidays,  or maybe ever again!

PREGNANT TURKEY
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Susan, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs. 

Think Quietly:
· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

· Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

· Why is a boxing ring square?

· Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

· Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

· Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,  stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied,

"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A police officer is hiding on the far side of a bridge with his speed gun.
He pulls over a speeding car and asks the driver why he was driving so fast.
The driver apologizes and says he is a doctor and is running late.
The cop asks him what kind of doctor he is.
The driver says he specializes in stretching assholes and mentions that he can stretch assholes up to six feet.
The cop asks why in the world would someone want a six foot asshole.
The driver says, so they can give them a speed gun and put them at the far side of a bridge.

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"  

85 year old Morris goes to the doctor... for a check up.

The next day the doctor sees old Morris walking down the street with this goreous young woman.

Doctor walks up to Morris and says "Morris! what is with this young woman on your arm? She can't even be one third of your age!"

Morris says "I'm just taking your advice doc. You said for sex, get a hot momma and be Cheerfull"

Doctor: "You crazy deaf old fool! I said reguarding sex, You have a heart murmur, be careful!"

This will be a rough week for President Obama.

This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird.

It's been a fowl week. 

Perception...

Have you ever wondered about people's perception of you ?  What do they see ?  Do they see me as a silver-haired, opinionated old coot that has outlasted his usefulness ? What do you want their perception to be ?  The content of most of what they see is mostly under our own control.  A wise man once said to think before you speak, and then don't.  There is much to be gained as a mostly-listener and occasional-speaker.  Actually, listening is a very difficult art (I call it an art, but perhaps it's a virtue) to master.  It is definitely a respect issue (i.e. Do I respect the other person's comment or opinion enough to listen attentively ?).  Having a clear and organized mind can help, but it is almost impossible.  Have I done all that I can do to improve my appearance (haircut, clothing, etc.) ?  How about my attitude (Am I respectful to other people ?  Am I on time to meetings ? Do I harbor prejudices ? ... ).  The bottom line, really, is you get out of their perspective what you put in.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman
of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of
the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he
should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at
the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay
with the others since several of his important clients were
there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by
himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and
led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the
door.

She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did
this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings
and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said,
"remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension
continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

World Changing ?

Today was very busy.  Everyone wanted something from me, but that was okay, because it made the day go by so fast. 

I see that Pelosi managed to remind all of those Democrats in the house who they owe favors to, and managed to get the Minority Whip position.  More of the same from that area...

GM still believes that the Volt is going to be "world changing".   We all know where their heads still are...  Meanwhile Toyota keep selling their Prius as fast as they can make them- and they are NOT changing the world!

 

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Vikings f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?" 

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."  

ETERNAL TRUTHS

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. 

Linoleum Blownapart (and others)
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.  

The "Mondays" Continue....

There was no blog entry last evening since my home computer decided to have a "thermal event" and shut itself off.  I have yet to solve the mystery, but meanwhile..... 


Last evening, I shut down pretty early, as well.  This cold is getting the best of my energies.



I see the Pelosi is pushing for the House Minority Leader:  I think those that would like to see her have that position (or any position) remain in the minority.  We will all be surprised if she pulls it off...

Under the title: "The End Continues":  The Border's Bookstore downtown has decided to close it's doors after Christmas.  With movie rental stores falling like flies, bookstores can't be far behind.  The world as we know it is really as we knew it.  The "average Joe" has no choice but to become connected.  Soon one won't be able to read a newspaper or magazine unless it is electronic.  It is an amazing and wondrous time that we live in.  

One always wonders what we give up in order to be herded like cattle towards the next technological off-ramp!

"Kmart has announced that it is laying off hundreds of employees.  Smart move. Now the only place those people can afford to shop will be Kmart"
- Johnny Robish

 
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world" - Steven Wright

There were these two friends, Bill and Bob, and they both loved baseball. So, they made a promise to each other, the first one to die, will come back and let the other know if there's baseball in heaven.

Well, the day comes and Bob passes. Weeks turn to months while Bill is still waiting to hear from his friend.

Then one day, Bill is walking down the street, and Bob appears. Bill all excited, says: "I've been waiting forever! So tell me, is there or isn't there Baseball in heaven?" Bob kinda perks up and says: " I've got good news and bad news." "1st, there is Baseball in heaven! The bad news is you're pitching Friday!" 

A husband kisses his wife and the wife says "Stop it, what are you doing? Somebody might see us kissing." The maid shouts from the kitchen: "I too, tell him not to kiss, but he doesn't listen." 

No way to start a week....

An UNBELIEVABLE morning today:


I get up as usual: make coffee and let Max out do to his binness.  I came back to the bathroom and planning to shave, I turned on the faucet while I gathered the clothes I was planning to wear this morning.  After five minutes, the water was not getting hot.  I decided to check the tank in the garage to see if it leaked all over the floor or whether it was doing as much as it could.  The tank appeared normal- no leaks and the gas burner was going.  I came back to the bathroom and by then, my wife got up and I explained the predicament, but she decided on a cold-is-better-then-none shower.  Luckily, I had showered last evening.  Meanwhile, I made breakfast, fed the cat and was deciding which plumber I was going to call when It got late enough.  

So if you had been following this blog for a while, you know that my 28 year old son, Everett,  had graduated college and found job-hunting impossible in Oakland, where he was living, so he move back home to search here and in Los Angeles.  He has two part-time jobs, one at KJEE radio station as an engineer, and another at Fresco (a restaurant).  His hours span from 5:00 in the morning to as late as ten at night.  It is not unusual to find him sleeping in the middle of the day and then going out partying in the early evening.  He, as most young people, is a slave to his cell phone and Facebook to plan his evenings.  Last night, he went out to a show at Earl Warren Showgrounds and came home after we went to bed.

So returning to calling the plumber.  My wife called the neighbor, who just recently had work done on his plumbing, for a recommendation.  We got the number, and I called.  Meanwhile,  Everett stumbled into the kitchen and I expected to hear him say what happened to the hot water.  What he said instead turned over the the whole mornings' events:  "Any idea why my shower is on ?".  Apparently, he must have turned the shower on when he was getting ready to go to the show last night OR stumbled out of bed at four o'clock, thinking he was going to the station, but then realizing that he didn't today- went back to bed (after turning on the shower).  The shower had run unattended and drained all of the hot water from our solar panels and tank, so all we got was cold.  He must have been so tired or drunk that he didn't notice that it was on when he came home OR forgot that he turned it on early this morning.  His room and consequently, the adjoining bathroom, is way on the other side of the house and we couldn't hear it.  Our house is only nine years old, so water pressure is not an issue either.  Nobody noticed that it was on until Everett dragged himself out of bed and made his exclamation.


I am now waiting another half an hour to be sure the well drained water heater and solar panels are still working before I call the plumber back to tell him not to come, and probably relay this embarrassing story.

The Zen of Sarcasm:
(1)  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2)   It's  always darkest before  dawn.  So  if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3)  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4)  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

(5)  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6)  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7)   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when  you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8)   If at first  you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for  you.

(9)   Give a man a  fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit  in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10)   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11)   If you tell  the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12)    Some days  you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13)   Everyone  seems normal until you get to know them.

(14)   The quickest  way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15)   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16)   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17)   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18)   Experience  is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19)   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20)   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches." 

Alcohol does not make me do stupid shit. It makes me get caught.

TV from the Net...

We watched "Winter's Bone" this evening.  It was an eye opener to the life in current-day Appalachia.  It showed the bleak existence that those people are enduring even today. It won some Sundance Award, but the problem is that there wasn't much of a plot...


I say this every year: I'm not ready for the short daylight hours.  It is hard to get anything done around the house before it gets dark.  It seems just fine until about 5:00 and then in a short time, it is not only dark, but cold.  What happened to our sunny weather in November and December ?



I found out today that Cox is starting in the wireless communications (cell phone carrier) business.  I guess they have to expand to cover the hoards of cable clients that are jumping ship.  Many of them are going to an internet alternative such a Google TV, Apple TV, or Roku.  These boxes range from $299-$59 and will allow TV access to the myriads of videos on the net, TV shows and NetFlix and Redbox rentals.  I work with a fellow that has two of the Roku boxes and is tickled pink not to drop $100+ a month to his cable company. 

Things are looking up . . . . .
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but
will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked
her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED
AND CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

"A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra. And if you
thought the cosmetic clerks at the mall were annoying before when
they spritzed you..."
- Jay Leno

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while
you're in night school."

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." 

New Dog Food Flavors: After researching what tastes appeal to dogs, popular dog food producers have modified their typical beef chicken and lamb based menus to more appropriate flavors. Catbox Cuisine, Dumpster Dijon, Footwear Fricassee, Toilet Treasure; more flavors to come as research pours in!

Clutter Was Us...

A day full of chores today, even though I'm nursing a cold.  Did you ever notice how closets, drawers and garages contain stuff that multiplies and expands?  I spent much of the day cleaning out a closet with my wife.  I found many clothes that I had forgotten that I have.  I also found many that I will NEVER wear!  It is so easy to "hide" things in closets, drawers or garages.  It isn't until you cannot walk through them or close the drawers that we actually do something about their contents.  

Some people never do.  They are called hoarders and many of them have mental issues which prevent them from disposing of almost anything.  I'm glad I'm not like that.  I like new stuff, but you have to make room for it.


Some people rent a storage locker to absolutely totally forget what they have, but not throw it away.  They get to pay many, many times what the contents of their locker is worth (in rent) so they don't have to remember what is stored there.


Did you ever notice how many people in your neighborhood park their cars in their driveway or in the street ?  It is usually because the garage is full of "stuff".

All indications are that there are no shortages on challenges for Obama (now and after he returns). Too many dilemmas no matter the direction.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

REAL T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.



As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Gee-20 No Win

So let's look at the G-20 Summit:  Obama is there pushing to get some kind of agreement or assurance that the trade imbalance with Asia will not continue.  Let us suppose that it does not and magically becomes pretty equivalent: everyone is happy. The Asians pay more for goods that we sell here that are made out of parts that they make and ship to us.  We pay less for local or imported products because they are really both currently the same with different monikers.  We win.  On the other hand, things continue as they are and the Asians are happy on both counts since they make and export both the components that we use in our version of the fully assembled products that they also export.  We gain in the very short term paying lower prices for imported goods and not buying so-called American products which are inferior and more expensive.  In the long term, we don't get manufacturing jobs moved back to our soil so we lose out.  Obama's (or really the US Gubmint's) solution is to put a tariff on imported products.  This means the Asians sell less and they are unhappy.  We buy less because it is way more expensive and we are forced to make our own version which will probably be competitively priced at Asian price plus tariff.  The Gubmint gains by collecting the tariffs but have to use that money to support the unemployed because we don't have manufacturing jobs on US soil.  Whew!  That has worn me out.  There really isn't a good solution.  We have to let the best products be sold wherever they can.  We still have innovation in the US.  Those new products HAVE TO be made here, and kept here.  The Asians do not innovate.  They ONLY make what we originally engineered better and cheaper and more reliable.  So get ready for HIGHER prices based on a DEVALUED dollar buying imported components or products that have TARIFFS on them to be fair, and fill the Gubmint's coffers.


There, I've pontificated enough for this morning....

But this afternoon I realized that perhaps there are some natural resources (such as cotton or wheat or rice or fish....) that we currently ship to Asia whose prices could climb, as well....  Why are commodities not figured in this trade imbalance ?


BTW, I've now included some important links in the blog.  So far there are two links that help you find out what local car-guy events are about to take place.  Today I added another.  This one provides a means to take out your aggression towards people that park poorly.  They provide an citation that you can print out to leave on their car.  Meanwhile they get some recognition, which (hopefully) will cause them to adhere to normal driver's parking guidelines.

Ready for a white trash Thanksgiving?

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterward.

- Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

- Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

- Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

- Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

- Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

- Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

- Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got  drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

- 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. 

Thanksgiving forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. 

Anticipation

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey. 

"Dream" Time...

I must be a glutton for punishment.  I constantly waste my time entering contests and playing the lottery but never win.  There is always that "glint" of a possibility that I might have a chance.  I have always told my wife that the odds against winning the lottery are so high that you only have slightly better chances to win, if you buy a ticket!  Buy you lottery tickets as soon as possible to extend the "dream" time.

It has actually begun to happen!  The telephone companies in three states have decided not to publish white page listings anymore.  They are available ONLY on the internet.

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.


Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Church Bulletin Mistakes

20. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
10. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
7. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Newspaper Classifieds (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!