TV from the Net...

We watched "Winter's Bone" this evening.  It was an eye opener to the life in current-day Appalachia.  It showed the bleak existence that those people are enduring even today. It won some Sundance Award, but the problem is that there wasn't much of a plot...


I say this every year: I'm not ready for the short daylight hours.  It is hard to get anything done around the house before it gets dark.  It seems just fine until about 5:00 and then in a short time, it is not only dark, but cold.  What happened to our sunny weather in November and December ?



I found out today that Cox is starting in the wireless communications (cell phone carrier) business.  I guess they have to expand to cover the hoards of cable clients that are jumping ship.  Many of them are going to an internet alternative such a Google TV, Apple TV, or Roku.  These boxes range from $299-$59 and will allow TV access to the myriads of videos on the net, TV shows and NetFlix and Redbox rentals.  I work with a fellow that has two of the Roku boxes and is tickled pink not to drop $100+ a month to his cable company. 

Things are looking up . . . . .
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but
will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked
her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED
AND CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

"A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra. And if you
thought the cosmetic clerks at the mall were annoying before when
they spritzed you..."
- Jay Leno

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while
you're in night school."

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." 

New Dog Food Flavors: After researching what tastes appeal to dogs, popular dog food producers have modified their typical beef chicken and lamb based menus to more appropriate flavors. Catbox Cuisine, Dumpster Dijon, Footwear Fricassee, Toilet Treasure; more flavors to come as research pours in!

Clutter Was Us...

A day full of chores today, even though I'm nursing a cold.  Did you ever notice how closets, drawers and garages contain stuff that multiplies and expands?  I spent much of the day cleaning out a closet with my wife.  I found many clothes that I had forgotten that I have.  I also found many that I will NEVER wear!  It is so easy to "hide" things in closets, drawers or garages.  It isn't until you cannot walk through them or close the drawers that we actually do something about their contents.  

Some people never do.  They are called hoarders and many of them have mental issues which prevent them from disposing of almost anything.  I'm glad I'm not like that.  I like new stuff, but you have to make room for it.


Some people rent a storage locker to absolutely totally forget what they have, but not throw it away.  They get to pay many, many times what the contents of their locker is worth (in rent) so they don't have to remember what is stored there.


Did you ever notice how many people in your neighborhood park their cars in their driveway or in the street ?  It is usually because the garage is full of "stuff".

All indications are that there are no shortages on challenges for Obama (now and after he returns). Too many dilemmas no matter the direction.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

REAL T-shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.



As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Gee-20 No Win

So let's look at the G-20 Summit:  Obama is there pushing to get some kind of agreement or assurance that the trade imbalance with Asia will not continue.  Let us suppose that it does not and magically becomes pretty equivalent: everyone is happy. The Asians pay more for goods that we sell here that are made out of parts that they make and ship to us.  We pay less for local or imported products because they are really both currently the same with different monikers.  We win.  On the other hand, things continue as they are and the Asians are happy on both counts since they make and export both the components that we use in our version of the fully assembled products that they also export.  We gain in the very short term paying lower prices for imported goods and not buying so-called American products which are inferior and more expensive.  In the long term, we don't get manufacturing jobs moved back to our soil so we lose out.  Obama's (or really the US Gubmint's) solution is to put a tariff on imported products.  This means the Asians sell less and they are unhappy.  We buy less because it is way more expensive and we are forced to make our own version which will probably be competitively priced at Asian price plus tariff.  The Gubmint gains by collecting the tariffs but have to use that money to support the unemployed because we don't have manufacturing jobs on US soil.  Whew!  That has worn me out.  There really isn't a good solution.  We have to let the best products be sold wherever they can.  We still have innovation in the US.  Those new products HAVE TO be made here, and kept here.  The Asians do not innovate.  They ONLY make what we originally engineered better and cheaper and more reliable.  So get ready for HIGHER prices based on a DEVALUED dollar buying imported components or products that have TARIFFS on them to be fair, and fill the Gubmint's coffers.


There, I've pontificated enough for this morning....

But this afternoon I realized that perhaps there are some natural resources (such as cotton or wheat or rice or fish....) that we currently ship to Asia whose prices could climb, as well....  Why are commodities not figured in this trade imbalance ?


BTW, I've now included some important links in the blog.  So far there are two links that help you find out what local car-guy events are about to take place.  Today I added another.  This one provides a means to take out your aggression towards people that park poorly.  They provide an citation that you can print out to leave on their car.  Meanwhile they get some recognition, which (hopefully) will cause them to adhere to normal driver's parking guidelines.

Ready for a white trash Thanksgiving?

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterward.

- Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

- Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

- Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

- Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

- Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

- Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

- Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got  drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

- 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. 

Thanksgiving forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. 

Anticipation

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey. 

"Dream" Time...

I must be a glutton for punishment.  I constantly waste my time entering contests and playing the lottery but never win.  There is always that "glint" of a possibility that I might have a chance.  I have always told my wife that the odds against winning the lottery are so high that you only have slightly better chances to win, if you buy a ticket!  Buy you lottery tickets as soon as possible to extend the "dream" time.

It has actually begun to happen!  The telephone companies in three states have decided not to publish white page listings anymore.  They are available ONLY on the internet.

You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.


Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Church Bulletin Mistakes

20. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
10. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
7. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Newspaper Classifieds (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Grandchildren Chase

So I said goodbye to my retiring manager today.  From the moment his son had triplets and they moved to Texas, his and his wife's lives have forever changed.  Now they enter the "Grandchildren Chase" portion of their lives.  They have cut ties with everything they know and love in California to be close to their grandchildren.  That is really dedicated, but sometimes it is just time for another chapter of your lives to be different or even better.  In many ways I envy him and the experiences he will have.

So CNN is asking whether the offer made by Carnival Cruises is enough to compensate a ruined vacation or honeymoon. They have announced that all passengers will get a free refund, transportation to return home, and a voucher for a completely free future trip.

Since this ship is of Panamanian registry, good luck suing to get anything more.  We have been on one Carnival cruise and that was enough not to EVER take another.  I don't know about you, but I go on vacation to avoid crowds and rigid schedules to dine or attend entertainment.  These people should grab the refund, chuck the voucher and consider the trip a lesson. 

I said it before and I'll probably say it many times in the future, "You can't buy service!".  Service has to be built into the equation from the start.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

A census taker drew short straw and got the back-wood hills of Kentucky for his territory. He goes up to this run down shack and knocks on the door where a horribly deformed little boy (gene pool deep as a mud puddle) answers: Census taker: Hi, I'm from the U.S. Census, is your mother home? Boy: Nah....she not here. Census taker: Well, where is she? Boy: She in a instahtushun. Census taker: I see. What about you're father, is he here? Boy: Nah....he in a instahtushun too. Census taker: Ummm ok....do you have any brothers or sisters? Boy: Yeah....I got me a sister. Census taker: Oh good, may I speak with her? Boy: Nah....she not here....she at Harvard. Harvard, "what the f***?" thinks the census taker. How could this kid, with a family tree like a stump, have a sister at Harvard? Census taker: Ok...well..umm, just curious here, what's she in,  Pre-Med....Pre-Law? Boy: Nah....she's in a jar.  

SHAZBAT!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Summer in Fall...

A very strategic move getting India to cozy up to, particularly because of the proximity to Pakistan.  Good move on Obama's part.


Can you believe that Hyundai has a car for $65K ?  I wonder what it would bring after it was a year old.....


I managed to get a "code" and I'm a bit stuffed up.  The push is on to get everyone a flu shot, but I don't want to be their Beta-tester.  Every season some small percentage of people have a reaction- usually a permanent reaction.  I figure if everyone around me gets one, there won't be anyone to catch it from!


The weather changed again.  I guess I was expecting to get more summer weather in fall, but it doesn't look like it is going to happen...

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other,

"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap.
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.

The Benefits of Growing Older 
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

12 Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your Marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).

Cornholing Away!

We watched 60-Minutes' interview of Obama last evening.  I am really convinced that Obama was being sincere at his responses.  It has taken him two years to figure out how to deal with the job of being President, and now with the midterm election, the game has changed.  I honestly don't believe that anyone could be doing more that he has done to rectify the world economy.  It is not going to heal overnight, as it didn't break down overnight.  The beginning of problems probably could be easily traced back to the first Bush administration.  Changing our economy from a supplier to a consumer was a really big mistake that was chided on by many factors.  These factors were pushed by Clinton and the second Bush.  Obviously helped along by the emerging economies of Asia and South America AND the demands of the labor unions in this country.  In order to get us back on track, we will have to rebuild and retool ourselves into suppliers again.  To keep the costs down we will have to turn to automation, which leaves the unions out in the cold.

When we were visiting in Georgia, the guys and teenagers were all intently playing a game called Cornhole!  Much money was changing hands (and lot's of beer was consumed), AND it looked like fun....too!

It was no fun coming home in the dark tonight.  That hour we lost Sunday REALLY made a difference.  Max was waiting for me when I opened the door.  You could see on his face:  "Dark or light- I need to go for a walk or you are going to have a mess to clean up!"

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said,

"A penny for ye thoughts Angus."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said,

"Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him,

"What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"

To which the lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession. He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.
"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.
"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"
The boy said he still didn't know.
"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.
"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.
"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.
The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.
Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.
Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.
"Did you get absolution?" he asked.
"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this Saturday night!"

An gentleman  walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See......Sometimes wisdom does come with age !

Great Food ... Almost No Service (You can't buy service nowadays...)

Had a nice little party at Trattoria Vittoria last evening.  The food was extremely good.  The servers were stretched too thin and therefore performance suffered.  We had ordered drinks and salads and ended up eating while our menus were in our lap, since he hadn't taken our entree orders yet....Otherwise a great place to eat.

Today we went to Ventura to do a bit of shopping and visit a huge Flea Market that is held once a month at the fairgrounds. It was a lot of fun.  The only thing that we bought were some pickled green olives and frog balls.  For those of you that don't know what Frog Balls are, the are pickled Brussels Sprouts that are flavored with jalapeno peppers.  When we visited Hawaii, they sold Donkey Balls (chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts).  I don't know where they got the name, but they were very good eating, as well.

Max isn't aware of his size!

Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

Pray
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace among the Christians, Jews and Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

The Stangest Walmart Customer
Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" 

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart (Thanks Bradley)

Fifth Try is a Go...

Went to see the launch of a Delta rocket last evening (from VAFB).  This was the fifth attempt at a one second window to put an Italian satellite over the Mediterranean. The horizon became very bright for about twenty seconds and then a very bright pinpoint of light took off into space.  The picture on the left is a three and a half minute exposure.


Tonight we are going to dinner with friends at a cool restaurant to further celebrate our anniversary.  It has been threatening rain all day but the prediction says perhaps late tonight.  All of a sudden, it has became sunny and hot.  It is very difficult to predict the weather lately, as one minute it is Fall and the next, Summer.

Manure... An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported 

by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, 
so large shipments of manure were quite 

common.




It was 

shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, 

but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the 

process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane 

gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can 

see what could (and did) happen. 

Methane began to build up below 

decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, 

BOOOOM!


 

Several 

ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what 

was happening.

After 

that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' 

Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it 

high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the 

hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of 

methane.

Thus 

evolved the term ' S.H.I.T. ' (Stow High In Transit) which has come 

down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 




You 

probably did not know the true history of this word. 


Neither did I.



I had always thought it was a golf term. 

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

DRIVING the couch...

TGIF: Won't this day EVER end ?  The hi-jinks continued today, but dead-ends were frequently because of people off today.  Looking forwards to DRIVING the couch this evening.  Wy too tired to do anything else.

Let's imagine what is going through Meg Whitman's head since the election: "I guess I don't know shit about politics. It's probably my campaign manager's fault that I lost.  $141 million ?  Who authorized that ? Hmmmmmmmmm  what would it cost me to buy the presidency when Obama is done ?"

Lying....

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office. "-Peter Schmuck

Funny Pick-up Lines
A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

All this could be yours for one low, low price!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!

Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print

Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.

Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Champagne can be tickly, and so can I.

(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!

Do you have room in your life for another friend?

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?

Does my breath smell okay?

Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.

Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!

Don't you know me from somewhere?

Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent.

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"

Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!

Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?

Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?

Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?

Good news, the test results are negative!

Got me? I'll do your body good.

Grab them in the butt and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"

Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag

Guy: What's your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.

Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand.

Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works every time)

I've seen till I gazed into your eyes

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Hey, come here often? You could, with me.

Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.

Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?

Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!

Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Hi, I'm Batman. Wanna see my batmobile?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, my name's Right...Mr. Right.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Hi. Are you cute?

Hi. Can I domesticate you?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here...write down your number and I'll call you to discuss my platform.

I don't know you, but I think I love you already.

I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you.

I envy your lipstick.

I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I have only three months to live.

I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.

I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

I never thought that heaven would be so close to me"

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!

I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven.

I think my medication is wearing off.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?

If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.

If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.

If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.

If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto you.

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?

I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.

Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!

Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?

Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get

It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.

It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.

It's always good for you to see me again.

It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]

No, but how about a kiss anyway?

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

I've been noticing you not noticing me.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?

Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

Man: excuse me did you just feel my ass? Girl: no you: why not?

Man:"Girl, you are so rude!" Girl:"How am I being rude?" Man:"Because you're looking so fine and not telling me you're name."

Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!

Oh my god, I thought I was gay... then I met you.

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?

Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.

Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops....u stole my heart

Pull my finger.

Really like your peaches and I wanna shake your tree.

Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Smile if you want me!.

So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?

That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that's a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.

The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.

There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."

(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it."

Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?" "Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to make out with me because I'm the finest thing you have seen all night."

Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)

What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc...

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

What would you do if I kissed you right now?

What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"

What's your sign?

When God made you, he was showing off.

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.

When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world

When's our wedding date?

(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.

Who's your daddy?

Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change?

Woman, I hate to see you go, but I LOVE watching you leave....

Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up lines, so why don't you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that....?"

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You are not a woman, you are an essence

You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

You are so sweet...I'm getting a toothache just looking at you...

You are the hottest thing since sunburn.

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

You look just like my mother.

You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ... So what's one more??

You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good.

You MUST have a nice personality.

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!

You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.

Your choice this time, I'm buying."

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.

Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Your eyes have touched my soul

You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.

You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.Would you like a male or female? female please.Would you like black or white ? White,please. Would you like Christan or Muslim ? This question confused the man, so he asked,what has that got to do with it ? It's an inflatable doll!

Well,explained the assistant, the Muslim one blows itself up!

A blonde, redhead,and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

Undoing the Campaign Tracks...

Today began with a few innocent errands before work, and then all hell broke loose when I got there.  I had been run tests for weeks to get some new software validated.  Today was the last combination to run, and it failed after about fifteen seconds!  It took two of us the rest of the day to cure that woe, but all the office was abuzz with the "normal" things happening and requests of my time and labor.  Was a "Monday" today was.


Isn't it amazingly quiet without the myriad of political phone calls, commercials and ads on the radio ?  The signs are disappearing bring a whole new look (I'd forgotten what the place looked like).

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

"Older brothers invented terrorism. 'Louie, see that swamp?
There's a monster in it.' So for years I walked around it. Until
I got a little older, a little wiser... and a little brother."
- Louie Anderson

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him;

"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied;

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

I took a trip to China. While I was there I bought a souvenir.

On the bottom it said 'made around the corner.'

Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?  

Handyman's Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stockout of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car (or boat or airplane) which
you had carefully parked in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, `Oh sh-....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons delivered to your front door . Works particularly well on the contents of the carton such as
seats, collector vinyl records, caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the
knife or anyone standing next to that person.

SNAP-RING Plier:  Special pliers used to propel snap-rings from the part that you are working on to the fartherst, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage.



 

Ostriches Emerge In California and Common Sense Prevails: True Dat!

As I sit down at my computer this morning, I reflect on the past few months and all the election hype.  It is truly a good morning, a heartwarming morning.  I realize once again that common sense has prevailed., most recently with the non-election of Sarah Palin, and now again with the non-election of Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina.  It gives me a warm feeling to know that the power-hungry mongers with fat wallets cannot buy the votes of California, or any other state.  In spite of what Whitman/Fiorina could have offered to California politics, the undesirable baggage that they would have brought with them forced the voters to vote against them.  Are the alternatives that bad ?  Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer both have made many mistakes.  They are career politicians.  Maybe that is what is necessary nowadays, as we have constrained gubmint in so many ways (particularly monetarily).  Without a doubt, considering the length and breadth of both campaigns, Czar Whitman and Chairwoman Fiorina managed to lose the races, no matter who was running against them, on their own merits (or the lack of).  How could we believe a self-serving non-voter and someone that fired 30,000 HP employees to send their jobs overseas ?  It was obvious from the get-go that both these women are used to MUCH power, and used to making many, many people dance to their whims.  That just won't happen in California politics.  W & F has spent many, many years dancing about the truth and embellishing where necessary and conveniently forgetting what might not be advantageous to their gains.  Hopefully this campaign will have cured both of them from trying again.  California does not need those kind of "leaders" but more the type that will help change the ways that we do business as a state and a world economic power, as the rules of economic development take on a world color from the past locally Golden glare.

Brown being a spry 72 years old, will only probably be a one term governor this round.  I hope that the GOP and the Democrats can come up with someone more worthy of the job during the next round of elections.  Gaven Newsom may be in the lead here.  We could certainly do a lot worse, and we almost did- except for what the negative campaign ads revealed over and over and over ....

Bill and Frank rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Bill says to the Frank, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Frank replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Bill says to Frank sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?" 

 


SKI SEASON WARM-UP
· Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in
freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

· Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

· For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your
street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.

· Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

· Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure to wait in the longest line.

· Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

· Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

· Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snow maker!

· Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

· Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·

30 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside.  Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world.  Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms.  Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and
night crew bump around and wake you up.  Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours.  Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it.  Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.  Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained on board Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

You might be a redneck if...

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.