Undoing the Campaign Tracks...

Today began with a few innocent errands before work, and then all hell broke loose when I got there.  I had been run tests for weeks to get some new software validated.  Today was the last combination to run, and it failed after about fifteen seconds!  It took two of us the rest of the day to cure that woe, but all the office was abuzz with the "normal" things happening and requests of my time and labor.  Was a "Monday" today was.


Isn't it amazingly quiet without the myriad of political phone calls, commercials and ads on the radio ?  The signs are disappearing bring a whole new look (I'd forgotten what the place looked like).

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

"Older brothers invented terrorism. 'Louie, see that swamp?
There's a monster in it.' So for years I walked around it. Until
I got a little older, a little wiser... and a little brother."
- Louie Anderson

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him;

"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied;

"Who needs a girlfriend?"

I took a trip to China. While I was there I bought a souvenir.

On the bottom it said 'made around the corner.'

Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?  

Handyman's Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stockout of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car (or boat or airplane) which
you had carefully parked in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, `Oh sh-....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons delivered to your front door . Works particularly well on the contents of the carton such as
seats, collector vinyl records, caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using the
knife or anyone standing next to that person.

SNAP-RING Plier:  Special pliers used to propel snap-rings from the part that you are working on to the fartherst, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage.



 

Ostriches Emerge In California and Common Sense Prevails: True Dat!

As I sit down at my computer this morning, I reflect on the past few months and all the election hype.  It is truly a good morning, a heartwarming morning.  I realize once again that common sense has prevailed., most recently with the non-election of Sarah Palin, and now again with the non-election of Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina.  It gives me a warm feeling to know that the power-hungry mongers with fat wallets cannot buy the votes of California, or any other state.  In spite of what Whitman/Fiorina could have offered to California politics, the undesirable baggage that they would have brought with them forced the voters to vote against them.  Are the alternatives that bad ?  Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer both have made many mistakes.  They are career politicians.  Maybe that is what is necessary nowadays, as we have constrained gubmint in so many ways (particularly monetarily).  Without a doubt, considering the length and breadth of both campaigns, Czar Whitman and Chairwoman Fiorina managed to lose the races, no matter who was running against them, on their own merits (or the lack of).  How could we believe a self-serving non-voter and someone that fired 30,000 HP employees to send their jobs overseas ?  It was obvious from the get-go that both these women are used to MUCH power, and used to making many, many people dance to their whims.  That just won't happen in California politics.  W & F has spent many, many years dancing about the truth and embellishing where necessary and conveniently forgetting what might not be advantageous to their gains.  Hopefully this campaign will have cured both of them from trying again.  California does not need those kind of "leaders" but more the type that will help change the ways that we do business as a state and a world economic power, as the rules of economic development take on a world color from the past locally Golden glare.

Brown being a spry 72 years old, will only probably be a one term governor this round.  I hope that the GOP and the Democrats can come up with someone more worthy of the job during the next round of elections.  Gaven Newsom may be in the lead here.  We could certainly do a lot worse, and we almost did- except for what the negative campaign ads revealed over and over and over ....

Bill and Frank rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Bill says to the Frank, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Frank replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Bill says to Frank sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?" 

 


SKI SEASON WARM-UP
· Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in
freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

· Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

· For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your
street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.

· Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

· Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure to wait in the longest line.

· Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

· Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

· Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snow maker!

· Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

· Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·

30 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside.  Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world.  Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms.  Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and
night crew bump around and wake you up.  Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours.  Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it.  Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.  Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained on board Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

You might be a redneck if...

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

World Series ?

Nice that the Giants won the World Series, but talk about a lackluster series....  I certainly did not see any excitement or even interest in it....

So I'm off to watch election coverage...  Full post will return tomorrow. I'm sure you guys will survive....

Funny Sayings
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.


WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.


This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.


I have the body of a god… Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.


Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy


If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep


Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.


Born free… taxed to death.


The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.


Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.


You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.


I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.


So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!


Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.


If, a two letter word for futility


I don’t care, I don’t have to.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.


I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


Horn broken, watch for finger.


All men are idiots … I married their king.


The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


My kid had sex with your honor student.


Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.


Give pizza chants.

Change Without "CHANGE"!

Our turnout last evening was less than stellar.  We bought a bag of candy with 150 pieces, but probably didn't hand out fifty.  The problem is that your handouts are lean in the beginning because you don't know what the turnout is.  By the time you do, the turnout is over and you are stuck with the remaining candy.  I brought it to work so I wouldn't eat it (at home)!

Well, tomorrow is election day.  I guess I should be excited but I expect that "change" won't really buy us any "change"!


Next weekend we'll be married thirty years!  Many kudos to my wife for putting up with me that long.  It sure went by fast.  At least twenty eight of those years she was mad at me, but all the years were happy ones.  I have no regrets about grabbing on to her when I had the chance....  Take the warning well, "One day you are looking in the mirror and you'll see your parent!".

THINGS YOU LEARN AS YOU "MATURE"

· I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

· I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

· I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

· I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

· I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

· I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

· I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

· I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

· I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

· I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

· I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

· I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

· I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages.

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with
the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

 When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

Airline Funnies:

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

 Witty Sayings
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smart ass
4') Especially another smart ass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asimov)
8) Right, because usually the competent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh because they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
19) Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
20) The words "My" "Rash" "See" and "Wanna" don't go well together in a sentence.
21a) When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.
21b) The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
21c) Therefore: The larger the number of people, the stupider the resultant decisions and actions (congress anyone?)
22) Never ever go first.
23) When being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, the first thing to do is to release a tiger. (Monty Python)
24) Rain on your wedding day is NOT ironic unless you're made of sugar.
25) Never take yourself too seriously, and mock those who do.
25') Also be sure to mock people who take themselves too seriously.
25") Those who never take anything too seriously have a distinct advantage over those who do.
26) The more you understand, the crazier you get.
27) Bad losers make worse winners.
28) The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."
29) People who habitually give advice are the worst people to take advice from.
30) If you insist on getting your way often enough, pretty soon you won't have to argue with anyone about it anymore.
31) Peoples' names should not be verbs or adjectives.
32) There's nothing wrong with the world that shooting 99% of the population wouldn't cure.
33) All indicators show that the human race is selectively breeding itself for stupidity.
34) If "obscene" words were made a part of common everyday language, after a week, no one would care anymore.
34') After two weeks, a new batch of "obscene" words will have been invented.
35) One of the most important things to learn is when to quit while you're ahead.
35') Most people never learn.
36) Anyone who says exactly what you want to hear knows it.
37) Anger is easy, anger at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, that's hard. (Ulysses)
38) You can live for many causes, but you can only die for one. Pick that one very carefully.
39) Never allow anything to be named after you until you're safely dead.
40) No corpse, no death. (DC Comics)
40') Even if there is a corpse, they still may not be dead. (DC Comics)
40") Don't believe everything you read in comic books.
43) Dying is easy, living is hard.
44) You can always get more with a kind word and a 2-by-4 than with just a kind word. (Marcus)
45) The beauty of the American system of government is that you could wipe out the executive, legislative, and judicial branches, and 99% of the population wouldn't notice.
46) If you always tell the truth, people will stop believing you. (based on Richard Feynman's life)
47) Some people just never learn.
48) Most things in this world are done for no good reason.
49) Any gift that can't be thrown away is really a trap. (Dr. Morgenes, via Tad Williams)

Favorite Sayings
More fun than poking smoke up a cat's butt with a knitting needle.
Busier than a cat covering crap on a tin roof with a broken paw.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with the itch.
About as smart as screen doors in a submarine.
Noisier than two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a hail storm.
So short that he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the curb.
As sharp as a bowling ball.
Uglier than a can of crushed rectums.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Here are some more Dumb sayings contributed by Rocco DiPietrantonio
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Quicker than greased lightning. 

Father Guido Sarducci, save us!

Last night we went to see "Nowhere Boy".  This was a very serious look at John Lennon's boyhood up until he performed in Hamburg.  The only disappointment was that there wasn't any Beatle music.  The movie was over before that happened.  It did show the viewer though, that almost every successful and talented performer has demons.  They only can be controlled for so long.  The key is to focus them into music or acting or whatever your chosen direction.  Clearly, Lennon had untapped talent.  The show took place in the 50s in Liverpool, by Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 97% and I believe the performance warrants it.


Edhat (local) had a Halloween Story Contest.  Here are the winners....

It appears that the Rally To Restore Sanity was only partially successful- as sanity did not get restored.  It is nice to know that the Blues Brothers, Father Guido Sarducci and Ozzy Osbourne are there and ready for us, should we REALLY ever desire to return to "sanity".

We took Max for a walk down by the Santa Barbara pier and along Palm Park (where the Arts and Craft Show is on).  The weather was wonderful, bright and sunny.  All of us thought it was wonderful.  Max enjoyed himself by chasing pigeons.  Unfortunately, he repetitiously ran out of leash and did a RAPID stop.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."

"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

• I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

• Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

• This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

• Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

• I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

• In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

• My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

• You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

• I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

• In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

• I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the
ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,
with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and
their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.
They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay
$15,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 

  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 (THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON, JAMAICA

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.

Halloween Warning!

More on the dying of the Microsoft brand:  Now Microsoft thinks that their future is in the clouds(Windows Azure).  This is a short-sited paradigm shift that forged what IBM is today.  They have lost innovation and are becoming a me-too.  They still make money, but the company and brand is not what it was.  The personal computer almost killed IBM.  I think that the transitional paradigms of today will do the same (if it already hasn't) to Microsoft.

Well, the Vette went back on sale today.  Having previously dealt with at least one rude jerk and an error-prone tech-weenie; I wonder what is in store next.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned...

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

Feeling aged...

So where has the time gone ?  I remember when I was forty, but the time between forty and now is a blur.  The only solution that I can come up with to slow down is to return to simpler times.  The constant bombardment of data made available by today's technology has accelerated the passing of time.  Major events seem smaller.  Minor events have become mundane.  The day-to-day hum-drum bounces along like nothing is occurring at all, constantly accelerating.  Of course, it is chided on by technology's continuous interruptions (this is progress ?) by cell phones and email.  Getting old is not fun....

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time
of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into
an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the
sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-
mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt
and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets
off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the
island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

The Bathroom

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel chain.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

True Courtroom Exchanges
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?  

The American and the Welsh Farmers

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'  

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.

Top 10 Houses to Avoid while Trick-or-Treating
10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground.

9. Any house made of gingerbread.

8. Any house that has ornamental lawn Hell Hounds.

7. Any house whose only entrance is through the basement.

6. Any house where all the windows are glowing with eerie green light.

5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"

4. Any house where the trophy animal heads on the walls are talking.

3. Any house that has a bloody wood chipper prominently displayed in the front yard.

2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses.

And the number 1 house to avoid...

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago.

Kids being kids...

I reveled over the new Nook Color that was announced yesterday.  Someone may have finally got it right, for a reasonable price.  This may be THE iPad competition, if the performance is there.  It certainly has all of the features that I would want in an eReader.

I realized today, again, how much I miss my kids being kids. I don't get to go to soccer games or meet their teachers, or volunteer at their school.  Much of the time I get ignored and so is my unsolicited advice.  They are grown and all the possible influence that I might have had is hopefully already ingrained in their good judgment.  I bug them to get some attention, but I feel ignored much of the time.  I really couldn't wait until they grew up so I wouldn't have to change diapers or punish them (it hurt me too).  Now that they are grown, I miss teaching them to ride a bike, shoot a gun, catch a fish, use a camera, and all of the craft projects that we all used to complain about but we (secretly) really enjoyed because it was family time well spent.  I watched them grow to the point that they don't need me anymore.  I guess I still need them, though.

Please Donate to this very important cause. With your help we can eradicate the horrible disease in our lifetime:

Don't hold liberals responsible for their opinion -- they can't help themselves.
A new study has concluded that ideology is not just a social thing, it's built into the DNA, borne along by a gene called DRD4. Tagged "the liberal gene," DRD4 is the first specific bit of human DNA that predisposes people to certain political views, the study's authors claim.

"We hypothesize that individuals with a genetic predisposition toward seeking out new experiences will tend to be more liberal, but only if they are embedded in a social context that provides them with multiple points of view," wrote lead researcher James H. Fowler -- a professor of medical genetics and political science at the University of California, San Diego.

The paper, which appears in the latest edition of The Journal of Politics, focused on 2,000 subjects from The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. By matching genetic information with maps of each individual's social network, the researchers were able to show that people with a specific variant of the DRD4 gene were more likely to be liberal as adults -- although only if they had an active adolescent social life.

The research, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, focused on dopamine -- a neurotransmitter that affects a wide variety of brain processes including control over movement, emotions, and ability to experience pleasure and pain. Previous research identified connections between a variant of this gene and novelty-seeking behavior, a personality trait that numerous studies have shown is linked to political liberalism, the authors say.
 [What a crock!!!] 

Women are pretty indecisive.

They spend the first twenty years of their active sex life saying, "Is THAT all you think of?"

And the next twenty years of their sex life saying, "Don't you EVER think of that?" 

Microsoft: Too big to fail ?

Here is a paradigm shift for you:  It happened to Burroughs and IBM and now to Microsoft. It's consumer brand is dying!  We knew that it began operating in the shadows of Google and Apple, but believed that "they were too big to fail"!  It's happening!  [Couldn't happen to a nicer company!]  But of course, they sill have megabucks of cash which they will probably use to buy their way back into goodness.

Kudos to Sears' for their Halloween website- Zombies galore! 







Both gubernatorial candidates were asked to remove their negative ads.  Jerry Brown agreed, but Meg Whitman refused.  She said they are truthful but may not be perceived as so....  Jerry Brown said, please continue using the ad that said that you moved to California thirty years ago because California was the land of opportunity and beautiful.  Jerry Brown was the governor then....

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?" 

One liners

What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."   Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

"Hollywood Star Whackers" or Just Whacked Out ?

The Quaids are now trying to pass off a story to the Canadian officials that they fear for their lives.  They claim that many of their Hollywood friends have been murdered in strange ways and they feel that they are next.  The Canadian officials decline to comment on the mental condition of the Quaids, and whether they will be returned to the US or not.  Meanwhile, it would be an extreme stretch to believe that what they say is true.  
 

You know I just don't get sweepstakes.  I enter all of them.  Sometimes every day.   You'd think they would through me a bone- someday.  I play the state lottery and it's odd against winning are so bad that I almost have the same odds if I buy a ticket!  I don't ever seem to win anything, but I keep playing.  A friend of mine says to buy lottery tickets  early as you can so you get your money's worth in dream time!    Does anyone ever win sweepstakes ?  I never hear of it or see a list.  Perhaps they are just selling my entry information and the contest NEVER gets a winner!
 

My 1 day job

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ''Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?''

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ''Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?''
So I replied, ''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.''

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 

"I'd like the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona"
the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix,
Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,

"Well, most people here just call me Izzy."

Two old ladies sitting in church, one leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep." The other replies, "I know, I have heard it snore three times." 
 

Boooooooooo

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases

and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job.
 

We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or the next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while typing this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?  

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.