A Storybook Wedding...

Well, we have returned safely and it was a good trip. I certainly have much to share, but I am still suffering from a bit of jet-lag. We managed to go to Savannah, Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, and Charleston, as well as points in-between, and of course, Atlanta for the wedding.

I was a story-book wedding on a plantation outside of Greensboro, Georgia. The plantation mansion is situated on a hill overlooking a large pond surrounded with cattle. The wedding audience chairs were placed in rows facing the front porch of the plantation mansion, with the minister on the porch. The wedding party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) paraded from each side of the house and lined up on each side of the porch, groomsmen on one side and bridesmaids on the other. The groom cam out of the house to stand on the porch adjacent to the minister. Then they all turned to face the audience.

From down the road was heard the clip-clop, clip-clop of two horses. They were pulling a carriage with the bride-to-be and her father. They drove up the circular driveway and stopped at the center aisle leading up to the porch. They got out of the carriage and proceeded to the porch for the ceremony. During the whole ceremony, on could here both the horses neighing and snorting. When the ceremony finished, the bride and groom left in the carriage.

It was very beautiful. Kinda what I would expect in the South for a high-end ceremony. We were certainly not disappointed.

More on the trip (and the South, in general) over the next few days...


I picked up Max from boarding today... He must have thought we returned him to be adopted by some other family...

"Warshing" Clothes Recipe.........

 

Never thought of a "washer" in this light before. what a blessing!
"Warshing Clothes Recipe" -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !
Years ago a Bisbee grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:
this is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook -
with spelling errors and all.



WARSHING CLOTHES
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.
Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.





A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

  

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the life out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

The Farmer, Cletus, is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the heck out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Electronically-Challenged
Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the cell phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy razor/slimline phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide-quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22-inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

R & R Here I come...

So this is my last blog entry for a few days.  I'll be on the road in Georgia and South Carolina returning on the tenth and I hope to make a new entry sometime soon after that.  I'm sure I will have many new experiences to share...

 

 

 

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days.."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.  

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..  
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief  is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."   
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"  FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

 

 

 

 

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

 

 

 

Signs You Made A Bad Choice For A Motel 

1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Nixon has resigned.

2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.

3. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow.

4. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.

5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.

6. There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.

7. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.

8. Your wake up call comes courtesy of a police helicopter

 

 

 

Whitman Downfall....

Just found out that my old manager, who is going to retire this year, is moving to North Dallas to be close to his grand triplets.  This could be a moneymaking proposition for him, but he'd still have to contend with that part of Texas.  I,m ready for a change, too- but I don't know if I'm ready for that much of a change.


So Meg Whitman thinks that she can win the election even without the Hispanic vote.  I'd really be surprised.  In particular, since reading about housekeeper-gate.  It will be interesting when all the facts come out from Gloria Allred, but I think that the damage may have already been done to her image (if she still has one).  It is pretty amazing that she has spent $120M of her own money, and yet is still neck and neck with Jerry Brown.  There is no doubt though, that housekeeper-gate has cost her many, many votes, some of which are Hispanic.

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the
corner.

The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer,
goes over and picks up the spittoon. He raises it to his lips and
starts chugging away.

The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"

But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.

Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"

But the wino keeps on drinking.

Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon
down. So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me
telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?"

"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

What will they think of next? Shut-off Valves For Gas Pipes!!

It sure is good that the California gubmint is now going to require inspections of all the high pressure gas pipes and force shut-off valves (some automatic) to be installed and maintained.  PG&E couldn't shut off the pipe in San Bruno (how stupid or cheap can you get?), so this is one very small consolation to those people killed or those that lost a house.  Where was the Public Utilities Commission for the last fifty years ?  Why isn't this common practice in all the states ?  Why would the let developers build over these pipes and not inform the people that live there ??  Sure is a surplus of questions and nary an answer in sight.  Pretty much like trying to get help from any utility....

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.  

One day Tony was in a restaurant, when he suddenly realized that he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at him.....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his MP3 player.

Never Say Never...

Last night we watched "Robin Hood" with Russell Crow.  Terre was reluctant to watch it, at first.  She was expecting it to be like all the other versions.  We did not know, though, that this one is a prequel.  The part we have always associated with the story, does not start until the end of this movie.  The action was very well done and the photography and sets were very beautiful and authentic looking.  I would recommend the movie.

It is an absolute scorcher today.  I have never experienced this kind of heat in Santa Barbara.  I guess it is important to never say never....Los Angeles broke the heat record there at 12:15 today at 113 degrees.  The hottest on this day since they began keeping records.
   

TEXAS 
IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN TEXAS

....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps. ....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs


IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS............

That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

A few chuckles here

· I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing s*cks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

· I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

· The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

· Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

· There is a great need for sarcasm font.

· Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. 

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (please!) 

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

· A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

· Was learning cursive really necessary?

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

· I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

· Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

· My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

· MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

· I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

· Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

· I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  

· Bad decisions make good stories

· Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

· If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

· Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

· Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

· "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

· While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

· I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 

· When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

· Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

· It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

· I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

· Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ##### everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

· My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

· It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

· I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

· I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

· I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. 

· The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
__________________
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.    

BULBouts Were Us

Another hot one today.  We are probably going to lay low as much as possible....Just a few trip related tasks to accomplish. 

We still haven't booked any tours for our trip.  There are too many to decide from.  Interestingly enough, the more expensive ones don't look any better than the more frugal ones.  That also adds to the problems with deciding.

I have a lot of anxiety because I really want to go on vacation, but there is currently so much happening in my life on a day-to-day schedule, I'm afraid of missing out on something.  I have to learn to delegate to those that remain....


I see that the City is backing down on SPENDing more money on BULBouts, for the time being.  For some reason, they think that they are MORE dangerous on some corners than others.  This really doesn't make sense.  Their safety/danger can easily be measured as a percentage of the traffic past that corner. So consequently, the advantage (if any) disappears when the traffic is density is at a certain HIGH level.  With that in mind, why SPEND extra money on areas where the traffic is not a big issue.  The gain is not worthy of the expenditure.  Oh yes, that sounds almost logical.

Signs and Slogans:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two
years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and
starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns
back to the salesman,

"Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be
two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and
starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back
again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from
now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says
that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up
to the salesman,

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be
two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the
afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon,
two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the
morning."

A Cat Owner's Story

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she harkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

"Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Bailed out and Spoiled...

So apparently, another Judge let Lindsay Lohan out on bail.  I guess they will never learn....


Hot one today, got up to 92 degrees.  It's like summer finally got here...

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible. 

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh,
Please retire in Santa Barbara.
Arizona's quickly changing,
Joe Arpaio's posse's rants the world estranging.

The last time I came for a visit,
I heard that he had gone ballistic.
You remember Xochil Peña?
Her poor grandma was harrased at work in Mesa.

All the smart guys seem to hate him,
and he refuses to debate them.
All the times he talks in public,
it seems he thinks he already runs his own Republic.

I'm surprised it doesn't scare ya,
that your neighbors often dare ya,
to volunteer with Arpaio's cronies,
'cuz they've loved him since he began with the pink chonies.

Please leave home, oh muddah fadduh,
stay with me, it's not a bother.
Don't stay there out in the desert where
the crazies think they know what's fair.

Please leave home, I promise you a fun filled time,
fresh produce and good local wine,
oh please don't make me beg,
that state's become a rotten egg.

Dearest Fadda, darling Mudda,
how's my precious, doggie brudda?
I can't wait to, let him kiss me.
Hurry over and admit you also miss me.

Wait a minute, the plan is failing,
crazy's spreading, saneness is flailing.
If he tries to, can we stop this?
Could Arpaio actually win the oval office?!

Actual stories provided by travel agents:


...as posted in r.t.c. by Norman Singer Story 1.
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. Story 2.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
Story 3.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is
in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response .....click.
Story 4.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
Story 5.
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"  I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Story 6.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
Story 7.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
Story 8.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's  luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
Story 9.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"  I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
Story 10.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
Story 11.
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of  those."  I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Story 12.
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked  up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh  don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!" The agent scoured  a map of the state of New York and  finally offered,  "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Punctually!

Will Lindsay do more time ?  One can only ask yourself whether she would be in this predicament again, if she had been allowed to finish her original jail sentence.....   Off she goes to another jail sentence- probably to be let out too soon once again....Best to leave her in there until she has REALLY dried out this time.


Today is Punctuation Day!  Let's celebrate emphatically!!  Use a comma or exclamation or period that you wouldn't normally, because you should!

What happened to "the customer is always right"?  My wife has ordered a dress and returned it twice because it was not what was advertised. The low-lives and barely-can-talks that she had to deal with on the phone were so bad that she will not do business with that company again.  I hope the REALLY believe they saved money on their customer non-service....

Don't mess with mothers....

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked ""Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON..

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday. 

 After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
 old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city . In one
 of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
 having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at
 him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the
 mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home
 he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
 the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he
 would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of
 these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she
 searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the
 glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around
 with.'

Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards'!
CATTLE GUARDS, THIS IS ABOUT AS GOOD AS THEM WANTING TO CHANGE THE LAW OF PHYSICS!

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area.  For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in  Colorado.  The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards.  'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'

And these two guys are running our country, OMG!

"Don't leave home without it!"

I am aghast at an email I received today.  After making a 50% of the balance payment, my American Express card lowered the available balance by 50%.  What is the sense in that ?  What would be my incentive to make large payments if this is going to happen ?  When I asked, they said that if I pay it off in entirety, they will reinstate my credit.  I don't have any "guarantee" that that is true.  Okay, that doesn't make sense to me either.  Used to be you would be proud to carry an American Express card and you agreed with their ad that said "Don't leave home without it!".  Now, I'm not so sure.....

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it? 

There was a mine in a small town that had completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went
into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one
lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour
another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Chinaman
and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I
wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I
was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were
escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get
him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his
head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the Chinaman his beer and then
came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help
noticing all the bruising under his chin. What's that all about?"

The engineer responded:

"Oh... that's where we put the jack." 

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first
place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left
breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee..... 

It's time for tolerance!

I am appalled at all my friends who are so opposed to the Mosque near Ground Zero. To show our tolerance, we should let them build it. Then right across the street, someone should put in a topless bar, called “You Mecca Me Hot”! Next to that should be a gay bar, “The Turban Cowboy”! And then next door to the Mosque there should be a Pork & Ribs Restaurant, maybe called “Iraq o’ Ribs”? Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.

Did you hit him with that golf club?

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five.”  

Poop Lamp!

Here is a newsflash:  Instead of using solar or wind power to light a lamp in a park in Cambridge, MA, they decided to use the methane from dog poop.  Now perhaps it gives owners the impetus to pick it up and feed the lamp, but is sounds like tremendous overkill to a very small power problem.   I wonder if it keeps the park clean ???

The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!
Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone
calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone
number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in
a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky
telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way
to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to
use.

When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime
telemarketer time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA,
you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit
befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we
are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in
fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your
choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you
calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)

Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.

Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at 106.6 FM.
(Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if
they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?

Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest
scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during
dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

Click.

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,” Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...' 

Nothing of consequence...

Tonight, I dropped my cell phone.  That has happened before, but this time one hinge broke off.  Since it is a Razor (flip) phone, that doesn't flip anymore, I grabbed one of our older phones and moved my SIM card.  Terre's phone goes off contract in December.  If I hold off until then, we'll upgrade together.  Not really such a big deal, except they tend to do a lot of two-for-one sales that we've never been able to take advantage of.  So much for the day....nothing else of consequence even had a chance of occurring!

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put
his boots on.  He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want
to go on.  By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd
worked up a sweat.

That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the
wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put on the
correct feet.  That's when the little boy said,

"These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue (who wants to swear at a 5 year old boy?)
and managed to keep her cool as together they worked 'em
back off.

He said, "They're my brother's.  My mom made me wear them."

Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  But she
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those
boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

Murders....Many Murders...

Over the weekend, we rented "Letters to Juliet".  It is a heartwarming story with an obvious plot.  Still, it was done well and definitely enjoyed the Italian countryside and Amanda Seyfried.

Have you ever wondered what happened to "change" ?  Has it already happened and I missed it.  Did it change and change back, and I missed that too ?  Is it still going to change ?  Or most importantly, is "change" really not changing ?

I'm really looking forward to getting out of here for a few days.  Even Atlanta is sounding good.  We've been researching Savannah and Charleston so that we can play tourist there too.  I am amazed at how much there is to see there, especially the haunted tours.  I asked my wife if she wanted to stay in a haunted bed & breakfast, but all I got was a glare and "No!".


Went for a walk tonight with Max on More Mesa.  It was a pretty special night, with a cool breeze and beautiful views of the ocean and mountains.  Most strange is that close to the end of the walk, we passed some stables and corrals.  There were literally hundreds of crows sitting almost evenly spaced on the corral fence and on the ground!  Hundreds of them.  When Max went by, be began to charge them and there was a large cacophonous black cloud of wing-flapping birds all taking off at the same time.  I was going to say a "murder" of crows, since that is the correct term to use for flock, but there were so many crows, I'm sure one murder wasn't enough to describe them.  I'd say is was a massacre of crows! 

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A Bloke limped into Kelly's bar, heavily bandaged and on crutches.
"Bejabers Murphy an' what's happened to yourself?" asked Kelly.
"T'was Tim O"Houlighan" answered Murphy.
"But he's just a slip of a fella. Did he have something in his hand?" asked Kelly.
"Shure he did, an' 'twas a shovel"
"Not a good thing at all, at all "Did ye be chance have something in yer own hand, Murphy?"
"Aye, that I did. 'Twas Mrs O'Houlighan's left tit. A rare beautiful thing in itself, but no good at all for the fightin'.

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have
inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most
unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should
be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke
the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies
to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
(Funny how this law applies to women.)

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law,
does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, asshole."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until
the sunset.