"Don't leave home without it!"

I am aghast at an email I received today.  After making a 50% of the balance payment, my American Express card lowered the available balance by 50%.  What is the sense in that ?  What would be my incentive to make large payments if this is going to happen ?  When I asked, they said that if I pay it off in entirety, they will reinstate my credit.  I don't have any "guarantee" that that is true.  Okay, that doesn't make sense to me either.  Used to be you would be proud to carry an American Express card and you agreed with their ad that said "Don't leave home without it!".  Now, I'm not so sure.....

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it? 

There was a mine in a small town that had completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went
into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one
lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour
another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a Chinaman
and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I
wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I
was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were
escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get
him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his
head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the Chinaman his beer and then
came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help
noticing all the bruising under his chin. What's that all about?"

The engineer responded:

"Oh... that's where we put the jack." 

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she
would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first
place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to
just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left
breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee..... 

It's time for tolerance!

I am appalled at all my friends who are so opposed to the Mosque near Ground Zero. To show our tolerance, we should let them build it. Then right across the street, someone should put in a topless bar, called “You Mecca Me Hot”! Next to that should be a gay bar, “The Turban Cowboy”! And then next door to the Mosque there should be a Pork & Ribs Restaurant, maybe called “Iraq o’ Ribs”? Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.

Did you hit him with that golf club?

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five.”  

Poop Lamp!

Here is a newsflash:  Instead of using solar or wind power to light a lamp in a park in Cambridge, MA, they decided to use the methane from dog poop.  Now perhaps it gives owners the impetus to pick it up and feed the lamp, but is sounds like tremendous overkill to a very small power problem.   I wonder if it keeps the park clean ???

The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!
Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone
calls were tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone
number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in
a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky
telemarketers that make our lives so miserable. We've found a way
to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also wish to
use.

When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime
telemarketer time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA,
you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit
befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we
are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and is, in
fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your
choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you
calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)

Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.

Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at 106.6 FM.
(Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if
they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?

Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest
scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during
dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

Click.

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,” Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...' 

Nothing of consequence...

Tonight, I dropped my cell phone.  That has happened before, but this time one hinge broke off.  Since it is a Razor (flip) phone, that doesn't flip anymore, I grabbed one of our older phones and moved my SIM card.  Terre's phone goes off contract in December.  If I hold off until then, we'll upgrade together.  Not really such a big deal, except they tend to do a lot of two-for-one sales that we've never been able to take advantage of.  So much for the day....nothing else of consequence even had a chance of occurring!

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put
his boots on.  He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want
to go on.  By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd
worked up a sweat.

That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the
wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put on the
correct feet.  That's when the little boy said,

"These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue (who wants to swear at a 5 year old boy?)
and managed to keep her cool as together they worked 'em
back off.

He said, "They're my brother's.  My mom made me wear them."

Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  But she
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those
boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

Murders....Many Murders...

Over the weekend, we rented "Letters to Juliet".  It is a heartwarming story with an obvious plot.  Still, it was done well and definitely enjoyed the Italian countryside and Amanda Seyfried.

Have you ever wondered what happened to "change" ?  Has it already happened and I missed it.  Did it change and change back, and I missed that too ?  Is it still going to change ?  Or most importantly, is "change" really not changing ?

I'm really looking forward to getting out of here for a few days.  Even Atlanta is sounding good.  We've been researching Savannah and Charleston so that we can play tourist there too.  I am amazed at how much there is to see there, especially the haunted tours.  I asked my wife if she wanted to stay in a haunted bed & breakfast, but all I got was a glare and "No!".


Went for a walk tonight with Max on More Mesa.  It was a pretty special night, with a cool breeze and beautiful views of the ocean and mountains.  Most strange is that close to the end of the walk, we passed some stables and corrals.  There were literally hundreds of crows sitting almost evenly spaced on the corral fence and on the ground!  Hundreds of them.  When Max went by, be began to charge them and there was a large cacophonous black cloud of wing-flapping birds all taking off at the same time.  I was going to say a "murder" of crows, since that is the correct term to use for flock, but there were so many crows, I'm sure one murder wasn't enough to describe them.  I'd say is was a massacre of crows! 

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A Bloke limped into Kelly's bar, heavily bandaged and on crutches.
"Bejabers Murphy an' what's happened to yourself?" asked Kelly.
"T'was Tim O"Houlighan" answered Murphy.
"But he's just a slip of a fella. Did he have something in his hand?" asked Kelly.
"Shure he did, an' 'twas a shovel"
"Not a good thing at all, at all "Did ye be chance have something in yer own hand, Murphy?"
"Aye, that I did. 'Twas Mrs O'Houlighan's left tit. A rare beautiful thing in itself, but no good at all for the fightin'.

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have
inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most
unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should
be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke
the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies
to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
(Funny how this law applies to women.)

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law,
does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, asshole."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until
the sunset.

No comment...

"'No comment' is a splendid expression. I am using it again and again." -Winston Churchill.



Today:  I haven't got one either....

 

• No piece of normal-size paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
• Blueberry juice boosts memory
• When cats are happy or pleased, they squeeze their eyes shut
• The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees
• Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell
• Each year, about 500,000 detectable earthquakes occur in the world. About 100,000 of those can be felt and about 100 of them cause damage.
• The tongue is the only body muscle that is attached from one end only. (Please don't send me corrections to add the penis; the penis is not a muscle).
• We, as humans, forget 90% of our dreams
• The percentage of people dreaming in black and white started decreasing after the spread of color TV
• Approximately two-thirds of people tip their head to the right when they kiss
• Just days before the World Cup of 1966 in England, the trophy was stolen and then later retrieved by a dog
• Some Chinese believe that swinging the arms cures headaches
• Coffee drinkers have more sex than non-coffee drinkers. They also enjoy it more.
• The city of Portland in Oregon was named after a coin toss in 1844. Heads for Portland and tails for Boston.
• A queen bee lays 1500 eggs a day
• No president of the United States was an only child for his parents
• Pumice is the only rock that floats in water

• The African cicada fly spends 17 years sleeping, then wakes up for two weeks, mates and then die.
• The vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century
• Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest.
• The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. Hemp doesn't contain THC and won't make you high.
• In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles
• 80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women
• 250 to 300 million cell phones are being used in the U.S.
• During good sex, endorphins are released, which are powerful painkillers. So headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex
• The shrimp's heart is in its head
• George Washington didn't want his image on US coins. He didn't want to imitate European monarchs.
• In South Africa it is a law that single ply toilet paper must have 500 sheets in the roll
• Your foot is the same length as your forearm
• In the US, Americans eat about 18 acres of pizza a day
• If you plug your nose you can't hum.
• Diamonds are not that rare, De Beers creates an artificial scarcity by stockpiling mined diamonds and selling them in small amounts
• As of May, 2010; 1.2 Billion people still defecate in the open
• In Victorian times, prostitutes wore pubic wigs
• Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest
• On average, a woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s heart
• The United States hold the record for the highest divorce rate in the world
• Other than humans, black lemurs are the only primates that may have blue eyes
• Names in Iceland's phone books are listed alphabetically by first name not by last name
• Cats can hear ultrasound
• The skin of the average woman weighs 3 kilograms, while that of the average man weighs 5 kilograms
• Dutch, on average are the tallest people
• Kissing is healthier than shaking hands
• Jaguars are frightened by dogs
• There are no cemeteries in San Francisco, CA (excluding the federal National Cemetery at Lincoln Way)
• Married men tip better than unmarried men
• India never invaded any country in her history
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• Natural pearls melt in vinegar

• Licorice (or liquorice) and avocado are among the food that sets the mood for love making
• An olive tree can live up to 1500 years
• The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F"
• Cleopatra married two of her brothers
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar
• The tradition of brides carrying a bouquet of flowers started with the brides trying to hide their body odor
• Buttermilk does not contain any butter
• Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen
• The earth is about 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons in weight
• There are 86,400 seconds in day
• The parachute was invented by DiVinci in 1515
• Ants never sleep
• The human brain is 80% water
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. I was corrected about "orange" by a friend: ((taken from an episode of Stephen Fry's QI show) Blorange - is a place in Wales. Also: Gorringe - is a common English surname of many, amongst whom there was Henry Honeychurch Gorringe, the guy who brought Cleopatra's Needle to NY Central Park!
• Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot. She actually had a normal set of 10. The mistake was caused by a clump of sand on her feet during a photo shoot when she was known as Norma Jeane.
• If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law that stated you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb
• 'Jedi' is an official religion in Australia with over 70,000 followers
• Church of England has apologized to Charles Darwin 200 years after his birth

• Chewing gum while peeling onions will reduce your tears
• Dalmatians are born without spots
• There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess
• Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right while women’s shirts have the buttons on the left
• Roosters have to extend their necks in order to crow
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
• Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex
• In 2009 one of eight newly married couples in the US met online
• There are about 540,000 words in the English language and growing
• Gamblers mostly don't see any clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos
• If you are right handed, you will tend to chew food on your right side. If you are left handed, you likely to chew food on your left side
• The bedroom is the most common place for sex and the car is second
• Humans and bonobo monkeys (pygmy chimpanzee) are the only species who have face-to-face sex

 

• Everyday, 15 billion cigarettes are smoked worldwide
• Hugo Boss designed some of the Nazi SS uniforms
• Any free moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere, because of its surface tension
• A snail can slide over a razor blade without being hurt by producing slime that helps it slide harmlessly
• Worldwide, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men
• The human heart beats over 100,000 times a day
• Human fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails
• The French tickler was invented by a Tibetan monk
• Studies have proven that it is harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive
• Onions have no flavor, only a smell
• Soccer players run on average as many as 6 miles during the course of a game
• Red wine will spoil if exposed to light; hence tinted bottles
• One quarter of the bones in the human body is in the feet
• Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed (paw).
• Polar bears with transparent, fluffy fur actually have black skin
• The largest hummus dish was prepared in Lebanon. It weighed 10,452 Kg.
• Some kinds of sharks lay the biggest eggs in the world; most other kinds of sharks give live birth.
• The blue whale can produce the loudest sound of any animal. At 188 decibels, the noise can be detected over 800 kilometres away
• The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day for plumbers in the US
• The eyes of the chameleon can move independently. It can see in two different directions at the same time

• The total weight of skin for an average adult human is 6 pounds.
• The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours ( ~11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV
• Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump
• Cold showers stimulate your sex drive
• Registered in 1985, symbolics.com is the first ever internet domain registered
• Coffee beans aren't beans; they are fruit pits
• It is not allowed to have living US presidents featured on US currency
• Among older men, vanilla is the most erotic smell
• A pound of potato chips costs 200 times more than a pound of raw potatoes
• Lima beans contain cyanide
• Frogs use their eyes to help them eat their food: frogs can pull their eyes inward toward the mouth to help push the food down their throat
• Fortune cookies were actually invented in America (not China), in 1918, by Charles Jung
• If you put a raisin in a fresh glass of champagne, it will rise and fall continuously
• Some in Japan bath in coffee grounds that were fermented with pineapple pulp to improve their skin and reduce wrinkles
• Some kinds of frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living
• A snail can sleep for three years
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon
• In Korea and other East Asian countries, the age of the person is counted from conception and not physical birth
• Dogs have about 10 vocal sounds; cats have over 100
• The people in Bali only have one of four names: Wayan, Made, Nyoman, and Ketut
• There are more pyramids in Peru than in Egypt
• The Great Pyramid at Giza in Egypt holds a constant temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit
• The state official motto of Alaska is " North to the Future"
• People who chase after rare birds are called twitchers
• In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies
• Orgies were originally religious events. They were originally offerings to the gods
• 2,520 can be divided by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 without having a fractional leftover
• It is unknown if odd perfect numbers exist
• A perfect number is a number whose divisors add up to itself such as 28: 1+2+4+7+14=28
• Human eye detects 10 million colors
• The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king (shah) is dead (mat)."
• Kissing helps prevent tooth decay
• One California law states that sunshine is guaranteed to all people
• Moderate dancing burns 250 to 300 calories an hour
• Your thumb is the same length as your nose
• Butterflies smell with their feet
• Canada is the westernized version of "Kanata" which is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"
• An egg laden goldfish is called a twit
• In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her cheating adulterous husband but she may only do so with her bare hands

• In Germany, an official approval is needed before a new born is named.
• Infants spend more time dreaming than adults do
• Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states
• Horses can't vomit and pigs can't look up in the sky
• In1770, a bill proposing that women using makeup should be punished for witchcraft was put forward to the British Parliament
• The oldest dog died at the age of 29
• Cats are the most popular pets in the United States
• Black olives contain on average 10 to 30% more oil than green olives
• In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in one house
• San Jose was the original capital of California
• Carl Sagan was a pot smoker
• 5% of the world population lives in the US but 22% of the world's prisons population are held in the US.
• All swans in England are the property of the queen or king
• Women are more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like as if it's kissing the conveyor belt
• The first product to have a bar code scanned was Wrigley's gum.
• Earth is the only planet not named after a pagan God.
• A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
• The new 787 Boeing was revealed on 7/8/07 or July 8th, 07.
• Adding a drop of olive oil and lemon juice to an ice cube then running it over your face gives you better results than some expensive skin care products.
• 250 to 300 million cell phones are being used in the U.S
• You will weigh less if you weigh yourself when the moon is full
• Honeybees never sleep
• Carl Sagan was a pot smoker
• Benjamin Franklin was offended about putting a bald eagle as the national bird because he thought that other people were trying to make fun of him, since he was bald

• 5% of the world population lives in the US but 22% of the world's prisons population are held in the US
• 80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women
• Horses can't vomit and pigs can't look up in the sky
• Chocolate contains an ingredient called “Theobromine” which can be toxic to dogs' central nervous system and cardiac muscles
• San Jose was the original capital of California
• Most lipstick have fish scales
• In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in one house
• Black olives contain on average 10 to 30% more oil than green olives
• Cats are the most popular pets in the United States
• The oldest dog died at the age of 29
• Tamiflu's main natural ingredient is Chinese star anise
• Not only the fur of the tiger is striped but also its skin
• The Germans tried to copy Coca-Cola and came up with the drink Fanta.
• Every day is about 55 billionths of a second longer than the day before it
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise
• Snakes with two heads fight each other for food
• The largest potato was grown in Lebanon by Khalil Semhat near Tyre. The spud was 11.3 kilos (24.9 pounds)
• Footprints of astronauts who landed on the moon should last at least 10 million years since the moon has no atmosphere.
• Both men and women can be turned on by the aromas of wine
• The national orchestra of Monaco (a nation in Europe) has more individuals than its army.
• Earthworms have five hearts

• The Himalayan gogi berry contains, weight for weight, more iron than steak, more beta carotene than carrots, more vitamin C than oranges.
• A Playboy magazine survey found more women talk dirty during sex than men
• Paraguay and Moldova are the only countries with national flags with different emblems on the obverse and reverse sides.
• Fingerprints of koalas are similar (in pattern, shape and size) to the fingerprints of humans
• Genetically-engineered babies were born first in 2001.
• If an Amish man has a beard, he is married.
• If a native Hawaiian woman places the flower on her right ear, she is available. (The bigger the flower, the more desperate)
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• Pope Pius II wrote an erotic book "Historia de duobos amantibus" in 1444.
• SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below
• Pele has always hated his nickname, which he says sounds like "baby-talk in Portuguese".
• As of 2006, 200 million blogs were left without updates
• Two phone books with their pages interlaced require more than 8000 pounds of pressure to separte.
• Urban birds have developed a short, fast "rap style" of singing, different from their rural counterparts.
• The lion costume in the film Wizard of Oz was made from real lions.
• Fathers tend to determine the height of their child, mothers their weight.
• The Pope's been known to wear red Prada shoes.
• Donald Rumsfeld was both the youngest and the oldest defense secretary in US history.
• Coco Chanel started the trend for sun tans in 1923 when she got accidentally burnt on a cruise.
• Up to 25% of hospital keyboards carry the MRSA infection.
• In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.
• Ghandi didn't allow his wife to take penicillin to save her life from pneumonia but took quinine to save himself from malaria.
• Sex workers (Prostitutes) in Roman times charged the equivalent price of eight glasses of red wine.
• As of 2006, more than one in eight people in the United States show signs of addiction to the internet.
• More than 90% of plane crashes have survivors.
• The Mona Lisa used to hang on the wall of Napoleon’s bedroom.
• Barbie's full name is Barbie Millicent Roberts.
• Eating a packet of crisps a day is equivalent to drinking five liters of cooking oil a year.

• Plant seeds that have been stored for more than 200 years can be coaxed into new life.
• For every 10 successful attempts to climb Mount Everest there is one fatality. (As of 2006)
• Watching television can act as a natural painkiller for children
• Forty-one percent of English women have punched or kicked their partners, according to a study.
• The more panels a football has - and therefore the more seams - the easier it is to control in the air.
• Lips are 100 times more sensitive than the tips of the fingers. Not even genitals have as much sensitivity as lips
• Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%.
• The egg came first.
• Modern teenagers are better behaved than their counterparts of 20 years ago, showing "less problematic behavior" involving sex, drugs and drink.
• Britain is still paying off debts that predate the Napoleonic wars because it's cheaper to do so than buy back the bonds on which they are based.
• In Bhutan government policy is based on Gross National Happiness; thus most street advertising is banned, as are tobacco and plastic bags.
• The best-value consumer purchase in terms of the price and usage is an electric kettle.
• Camel's milk, which is widely drunk in Arab countries, has 10 times more iron than cow's milk.
• Iceland has the highest concentration of broadband users in the world.
• Native Hawaiian women were not allowed to cook.
• The age limit for marriage in France was, until recently, 15 for girls, but 18 for boys. The age for girls was raised to 18 in 2006.
• The brain is soft and gelatinous - its consistency is something between jelly and cooked pasta.
• The Himalayas cover one-tenth of the Earth's surface.
• A "lost world" exists in the Indonesian jungle that is home to dozens of hitherto unknown animal and plant species.
• The two most famous actors who portrayed the “Marlboro Man” in the cigarette ads died of lung cancer.
• All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
• The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
• The first known marketer of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper.
• The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
• The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
• The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year. (This fact and the one prior to it have been judged as urban legends by many)
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (Makes you think about ambidextrous people) This fact is based on a study that had errors in it, thus it might not be a fact.
• Its impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won't be able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after such a large amount.
• Every drop of seawater contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms.
• The US national anthem actually has four verses, but everyone just knows the first one. When the whole anthem is sung, the third verse is usually omitted.
• During World War II, IBM built counting machines the Nazis used to manage their death/concentration camps.
• During World War II, the British Intelligence used the Colossus Machines (precursor to computers) at Bletchley Park to help decode the enigma code of the Nazis.
• The first Computer was ENIAC, short for Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer, unveiled on February 14, 1946 (Thanks D.B. of AU)
• The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.
• The deadliest war in history excluding World War II was a civil war in China in the 1850s in which the rebels were led by a man who thought he was the brother of Jesus Christ.
• Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this.
• Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.
• The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have died. Ever.
• Men with a certain rare medical condition can breastfeed babies
• There is a rare condition called Exploding Head Syndrome which you have probably never heard of.
• Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to human beings and animals than to plants.
• In some Asian countries, the family name is written first and the individual name written second (Filipinos and people from near by Asian countries have their individual names first and surnames last)
• Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860
• A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet.
• Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States.Long Beach, WA
• The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom underground in Oregon, it measures three and a half miles in diameter.
• The town of Los Angeles, California, was originally named "El Pueblo la Nuestra Senora de Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula"
• 9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.This isn't true; Joseph Swan did.
• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

• The Population of the world can live within the state boundaries of Texas.
• Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A.
• Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."
• Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is not considered an insult! Despite the expensive food, tipping is welcome as in any most other countries. Locals in Japan might also get offended if you leave a tip.
• The largest pumpkin weighed 377 pounds.
• The largest cabbage weighed 144 pounds.
• Pinocchio was made of pine.
• Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery.
• A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• Cranberry Jell-0 is the only kind that contains real fruit.
• The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
• Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
• New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states.
• There was once a town in West Virginia called "6."
• The parking meter was invented in North Dakota Oklahoma City.
• Napoleon made his battle plans in a sandbox.
• Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.
• The green stuff on the occasional freak potato chip is chlorophyll.
• Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.
• There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
• The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.
• "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.
• On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.
• Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
• Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
• On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.
• Blue and white are the most common school colors.
• Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.
• In a normal lifetime an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10,000 pounds of meat.
• A new book is published every 13 minutes in America.
• America's best selling ice cream flavor is vanilla.
• Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
• Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe a bear is as tall as a giraffe.
• The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour.
• The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
• The doorbell was invented in 1831.
• The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.
• Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.
• There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
• Napoleon was terrified of cats.
• The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint.
• The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
• The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935.
• The oldest known vegetable is the pea.
• Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.
• The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.
• The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.
• France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.
• Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit
• The snake can see through its transparent eye lids when they are closed
• A notch in a tree will remain the same distance from the ground as the tree grows
• Europeans in the Middle Ages used to call coffee the "Arabic Wine"
• Honeybees have hair on their eyes
• The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is "feedback."
• The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states.
• George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.
• Iceland was the first country to legalize abortion in 1935.
• The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.
• Russia has the most movie theaters in the world.
• The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.

• The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.
• The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902.
• Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.
• Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.
• The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used.
• Toilet paper was invented in 1857.
• Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States.
• Before Prohibition, Schlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
• Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
• Nondairy creamer is flammable.
• The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile.
• If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.
• The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0. Myth Busters on the Discovery Channel proved this wrong.
• The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.
• The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
• Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
• When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
• Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
• When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.
• The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
• The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.
• The most common speed limit sign in the United States is 25 m.p.h.
• At any one time, there are 100 million phone conversations going on in the United States.
• The world's record for continuous pogo stick jumping is 41 hours.
• The Ottoman Empire once had seven emperors in seven months. They died of (in order): burning, choking, drowning, stabbing, heart failure, poisoning and being thrown from a horse.
• You can make edible cheese from the milk of 24 different mammals.
• Sir Isaac Newton, who invented Calculus, had trouble with names to the point where he would forget his brothers' names.
• In medieval Thailand, they had moveable type printing presses. The type was made from baked oxen dung.
• By law, employees do not have to wash hands after sneezing.
• The average American consumes enough caffeine in one year to kill a horse.
• More American workers (18%) call sick on Friday than any other day of the week. Tuesday has the lowest percent of absenteeism (11%).
• Enough beer is poured every Saturday across America to fill the Orange Bowl.
• A newborn expels its own body weight in waste every 60 hours.
• Whales die if their echo system fails.
• Florida's beaches lose 20 million cubic yards of sand annually.
• Naturalists use marshmallows to lure alligators out of swamps.
• It takes a ton of water to make a pound of refined sugar.
• Weevils are more resistant to poisons in the morning than at night.
• Cacao, the main ingredient of chocolate is the most pest-ridden tree in the jungle.
• In deep space most lubricants will disappear.
• America once issued a 5-cent bill.
• The only vehicle legally allowed to pass a funeral procession is a government owned vehicle: a mail truck.
• The average person can live 11 days without water.
• In 1221 the daughter of Genghis Khan ordered the killing of the entire population of the city of Nishapur (about 60,000) in one hour. The order came after her husband killing. (Moguls claim that 1.7 million were killed)
• There are 35 million digestive glands in the stomach.
• In 1800 only 50 cities on earth had a population of more than 100,000.
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
• More steel in the US is used to make bottle caps than to manufacture automobile bodies.
• It is possible for any American citizen to give whatever name he or she chooses to any unnamed mountain or hill in the United States.
• King Henry III of France, Louis XVI of France and Napoleon all suffered from ailurophobia--fear of cats.
• Before 1850 golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers.
• Clocks made before 1687 had only one hand, and hour hand.
• The motto of the American people, "In God We Trust," was not adopted as the national slogan until 1956.
• More Americans have died in automobile accidents than have died in all the wars ever fought by the United States.
• The principality of Monaco consists of 370 acres.
• There are more than 40,000 characters in Chinese script.
• During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who had a beard was required to pay a special tax.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. treasury.
• The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters (I was thankfully corrected by a friend: The Hawai'ian alphabet has 13 letters, A, E, I, O, U, H, K, L, M, N, P, W, ' (which is called an okina).
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• The amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.
• City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong.
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness--28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness--38%.
• Average number of days a German goes without washing his underwear: 7.
• Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.
• Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.
• Cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of 11: $6,400.
• Average people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
• The only President to win a Pulitzer Prize: John Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage."
• The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
• Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

• First novel ever written on a typewriter: "Tom Sawyer."
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. (This was challenged and proved wrong by the TV show "Mythbusters")
• The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades--King David, Clubs--Alexander the Great, Hearts--Charlemagne and Diamonds--Julius Caesar.
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one leg front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all 4 legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. The last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
• The first airline, DELAG, was established on October 16, 1909, to carry passengers between German cities by Zeppelin airships. Up to November 1913, more than 34,000 people had used the service.
• Titanic was running at 22 knots when she hit the iceberg
• The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. 'UP' indicated the direction of the bubbles
• Francis Scott Key was a young lawyer who wrote the poem, 'The Star Spangled Banner', after being inspired by watching the Americans fight off the British attack of Baltimore during the War of 1812. The poem became the words to the national anthem
• Because radio waves travel at 186,000 miles per second and sound waves saunter at 700 miles per hour, a broadcast voice can be heard sooner 13,000 miles away than it can be heard at the back of the room in which it originated
• Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know your there
• The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep
• Inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver in 1836.
• It has been recommended by dentists that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (two meters) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush!
• In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose
• It is possible to drown and not die. Technically the term 'drowning' refers to the process of taking water into the lungs, not to death caused by that process.
• The first known heart medicine was discovered in an English garden. In 1799, physician John Ferriar noted the effect of dried leaves of the common foxglove plant, digitalis purpurea, on heart action. Still used in heart medications, digitalis slows the pulse and increases the force of heart contractions and the amount of b lood pumped per heartbeat.
• Dry cereal for breakfast was invented by John Henry Kellogg at the turn of the century
• During World War II, a German U-boat was sunk by a truck. The U-boat in question attacked a convoy in the Atlantic and then rose to see the effect. The merchant ship it sank had material strapped to its deck including a fleet of trucks, one of which was thrown in the air by the explosion, landing on the U-boat and breaking its back
• Jeremy Bentham, a British philosopher who died in 1832,left his entire estate to the London Hospital provided that his body be allowed to preside over its board meetings. His skeleton was clothed and fitted with a wax mask of his face. It was present at the meeting for 92 years.
• Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.
• Methane gas can often be seen bubbling up from the bottom of ponds. It is produced by the decomposition of dead plants and animals in the mud.
• There are more than 1,700 references to gems and precious stones in the King James translation of the Bible.
• The E. Coli bacterium propels itself with a 'motor' only one-millionth of an inch in diameter, a thousand times smaller than the tiniest motors built to date by man. The rotation of the bacterial motor comes from a current of protons. The efficiency of the motor approaches 100 per cent.
• Henry Ford produced the model T mostly in black because the black paint available at the time was the fastest to dry. Model T was available in other colors. The British factory for model T started producing them in Green as mentioned by the British Show QI.
• At - 40 degrees Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.
• Pet superstores now sell about 40 percent of all pet food
• One million Americans, about 3,000 each day, take up smoking each year. Most of them are children.
• In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character, received 800,000 fan letters.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in '-dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
• If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
• Less than 3% of Nestlé's sales are for chocolate.
• The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic light to change
• More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products
• It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk
• The tip of a 1/3 inch long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph
• Less than one per cent of the 500 Chinese cities have clean air, respiratory disease is China's leading cause of death.
• The number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the population growth
• The X's that people sometimes put at the end of letters or notes to mean a kiss, actually started back in the 1000's when Lords would sign their names at the end of documents to other important people. It was originally a cross that they would kiss after signing to signify that they were faithful to God and their King. Over the years though, it slanted into the X
• Nova Scotia is Latin for 'New Scotland.'
• The collecting of Beer mats is called Tegestology.
• Even though it is widely attributed to him Shakespeare never actually used the word 'gadzooks'.
• Only 2 blue moons (the saying 'only once in a blue moon ' refers to the occurrence of two full moons during one calendar month) are to occur between now and 2001. Those times are January 1999 and March 1999
• "Naked" means to be unprotected. "Nude" means unclothed
• Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when al original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case stored smaller, 'lower case' letters
• In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'

Watch TV (if I hafta)...

It was a very nice day, if you kept on the sunny side of the fog curtain.  Pretty amazing... 

I've been watching the upcoming TV season's trailers as they appear on various channels.  There sure seems to be a bunch of unimaginative replays coming on such as Hawaii Five-O and the Event (i.e. Lost). What happened to imagination.  First they force feed us reality shows and now we get to experience replays.  We were actually enjoying the summer season and are sorry to see those shows take a break until next summer.


I won't miss Wipeout or America's Got Talent.  American Idol may be totally messed up now that the judges have been replaced.  Dancing with the Stars has gust stars that will not win, or even be competitive (i.e I won't watch Hoff dance).  Larry King Live is turning into Piers Morgan Live (give me a break). I recently acquired digital cable and have like five hundred channels.  I wish I had something to watch....

London Underground Driver Announcements.

Those of you who suffer the underground (subway) will find this a
laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers.

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not
provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably
won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about
things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy
things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but
is infact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was
under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but
'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the
driver..."

'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand."

Job market

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Providence, RI, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Cleveland, Ohio."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."



 

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?

Amnesia What did you just ask me?

Apathy I don't care.

Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Damnation Go to hell!

Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards

Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive Go do your homework.

Flatulent That question really stinks!

Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Ignorance I don't know.

Indifference It doesn't matter.

Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions?

A small dog's perspective

So I'm sitting here at work having a tough time concentrating on almost anything work related.  Some Friday afternoon...


Newsflash 1:  There is now a dating website for ugly people, called UglySchmucks.com !

Newsflash 2:  As if we all didn't expect it (or really didn't care anyway), Lindsay Lohan flunked her drug test today.   I guess two weeks didn't make much of an impression (BIG SURPRISE)!

A bit more Jack Handy:  I have more and more been feeling that our lives are too complicated, especially with all the high-tech, and  have sought the simpler life.  I haven't acquired on yet, because I live in such a deep dark hole that it will take me years to get out, if I ever do.

Observing Max and envying his sense of smell and his attitude during walks.  Basically he sniffs around, and I don't know if he recognizes his own smell (or even cares), but no matter what, its "Piss on it, and move on".  If we all had more of that kind of attitude, it would relieve so much stress in the world.  I feel like that pretty often....

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18, 000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?

I think not.

--written by a very smart man

Maury and Pauly were in the barn, and Pauly was relating his quandary:
"I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't got a dime to her name and also by a 69-year-old widow with bazillions of dollars."

"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks, it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with the beauty."

"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so clearly and offer such good advice."

"No problem," says Maury, "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"

Does anyone really ever win those contests ?

Has anybody ever entered a contest ?  Of course you have because of the possibility of winning.  I've entered a bunch of contests lately and it really appears as though there is nothing gained by the contestant or the contest holder.  Faithfully we enter and re-enter (even on a daily basis) and then we play the instant-win game, but never do we win.  In fact the game always ends the same.  When you take the time to hunt out the rules AND after the drawing, to see who won; it is a major effort.  Either the wording is such that you cannot understand what the rules are, or you give up and say to yourself that you'll win first and let them tell you why you don't qualify later.  After the drawing, it is as though that company doesn't exist anymore.  Any confirmation that somebody DID actually win, is just impossible.  They ask your contact information and sometimes a poll question or two and then all of the check boxes to get more information about a product or from their associated companies.   I believe it is all a hoax.  All contests should be registered with some gubmint agency to prevent them from being fraudulent in any of a hundred ways.

Will I keep playing ?   .....Probably....

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"  

A 97 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says,
"George is doing fine!But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh, lord, exclaims Ethel. "He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!"

What the....

This country boy is passing by his neighbour's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees his pal doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right Wellington boot, followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.


Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.


"What the heck are you doing" asks the country boy?


"Geez, you gave me a fright there ", says his obviously embarrassed pal, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

Boom! Boom! 

Buying the election....

So Meg Whitman has spent $119 million of her own money in this campaign and raised $20 million.  It is no wonder she is a few points ahead of the austere Brown campaign.  It really not that I like Brown better, but he is a known quantity.  In Whitman's case, it is not only unknown but scary that she could become the next ineffectual governor. 


I really can't wait until the elections are over so we can quit hearing their backstabbing commercials on the radio, TV and in the papers.  If all candidates were restricted on their spending, this wouldn't be a problem.

Men's Speech Patterns

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the
address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I
can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Counseling - Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

You Gotta Be Shittin MeHave you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'