Watch TV (if I hafta)...

It was a very nice day, if you kept on the sunny side of the fog curtain.  Pretty amazing... 

I've been watching the upcoming TV season's trailers as they appear on various channels.  There sure seems to be a bunch of unimaginative replays coming on such as Hawaii Five-O and the Event (i.e. Lost). What happened to imagination.  First they force feed us reality shows and now we get to experience replays.  We were actually enjoying the summer season and are sorry to see those shows take a break until next summer.


I won't miss Wipeout or America's Got Talent.  American Idol may be totally messed up now that the judges have been replaced.  Dancing with the Stars has gust stars that will not win, or even be competitive (i.e I won't watch Hoff dance).  Larry King Live is turning into Piers Morgan Live (give me a break). I recently acquired digital cable and have like five hundred channels.  I wish I had something to watch....

London Underground Driver Announcements.

Those of you who suffer the underground (subway) will find this a
laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers.

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not
provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably
won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about
things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy
things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but
is infact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was
under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but
'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the
driver..."

'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand."

Job market

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Providence, RI, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Cleveland, Ohio."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."



 

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?

Amnesia What did you just ask me?

Apathy I don't care.

Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Damnation Go to hell!

Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards

Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive Go do your homework.

Flatulent That question really stinks!

Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

Ignorance I don't know.

Indifference It doesn't matter.

Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions?

A small dog's perspective

So I'm sitting here at work having a tough time concentrating on almost anything work related.  Some Friday afternoon...


Newsflash 1:  There is now a dating website for ugly people, called UglySchmucks.com !

Newsflash 2:  As if we all didn't expect it (or really didn't care anyway), Lindsay Lohan flunked her drug test today.   I guess two weeks didn't make much of an impression (BIG SURPRISE)!

A bit more Jack Handy:  I have more and more been feeling that our lives are too complicated, especially with all the high-tech, and  have sought the simpler life.  I haven't acquired on yet, because I live in such a deep dark hole that it will take me years to get out, if I ever do.

Observing Max and envying his sense of smell and his attitude during walks.  Basically he sniffs around, and I don't know if he recognizes his own smell (or even cares), but no matter what, its "Piss on it, and move on".  If we all had more of that kind of attitude, it would relieve so much stress in the world.  I feel like that pretty often....

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18, 000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?

I think not.

--written by a very smart man

Maury and Pauly were in the barn, and Pauly was relating his quandary:
"I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't got a dime to her name and also by a 69-year-old widow with bazillions of dollars."

"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks, it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with the beauty."

"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so clearly and offer such good advice."

"No problem," says Maury, "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"

Does anyone really ever win those contests ?

Has anybody ever entered a contest ?  Of course you have because of the possibility of winning.  I've entered a bunch of contests lately and it really appears as though there is nothing gained by the contestant or the contest holder.  Faithfully we enter and re-enter (even on a daily basis) and then we play the instant-win game, but never do we win.  In fact the game always ends the same.  When you take the time to hunt out the rules AND after the drawing, to see who won; it is a major effort.  Either the wording is such that you cannot understand what the rules are, or you give up and say to yourself that you'll win first and let them tell you why you don't qualify later.  After the drawing, it is as though that company doesn't exist anymore.  Any confirmation that somebody DID actually win, is just impossible.  They ask your contact information and sometimes a poll question or two and then all of the check boxes to get more information about a product or from their associated companies.   I believe it is all a hoax.  All contests should be registered with some gubmint agency to prevent them from being fraudulent in any of a hundred ways.

Will I keep playing ?   .....Probably....

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"  

A 97 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says,
"George is doing fine!But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh, lord, exclaims Ethel. "He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!"

What the....

This country boy is passing by his neighbour's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees his pal doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right Wellington boot, followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.


Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.


"What the heck are you doing" asks the country boy?


"Geez, you gave me a fright there ", says his obviously embarrassed pal, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

Boom! Boom! 

Buying the election....

So Meg Whitman has spent $119 million of her own money in this campaign and raised $20 million.  It is no wonder she is a few points ahead of the austere Brown campaign.  It really not that I like Brown better, but he is a known quantity.  In Whitman's case, it is not only unknown but scary that she could become the next ineffectual governor. 


I really can't wait until the elections are over so we can quit hearing their backstabbing commercials on the radio, TV and in the papers.  If all candidates were restricted on their spending, this wouldn't be a problem.

Men's Speech Patterns

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the
address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I
can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Counseling - Southern Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

You Gotta Be Shittin MeHave you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Party Pressures...

Shock of all shocks (but due to Party pressures), Clinton endorsed Brown today, in spite of his recent Lewinsky joke!  Maybe people will start to pay attention to Brown and stop believing the crap that Whitman is passing out....


So interesting enough, Amazon is playing up the apparent readability of the Kindle in bright light while the iPad has issues.  Would it be better to tout the capabilities that it doesn't have that the iPad does ?  What would we expect ?  After all, it only cost $139 which is probably what the average iPad geek would pay for a pair of sunglasses anyway....

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. 

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband,'No mushrooms. They are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' S

o, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot(the yard dog) a double hand full.

Ole ' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed and socialized.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ole 'Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.'

Then he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Deep Thoughts....

More on what we are missing:  Have you ever wondered if your dog can smell if he's ever been somewhere before ?  Can he recognize his own scent or does he remember where he's been and where he's peed ?


I always seem to some questions like those, popping up....almost like Jack Handy!


So I keep seeing ads for Whitman (or should I say, against Brown).  The ratio of ads for Whitman versus against Brown are at least three to one.  She obviously can through her millions around, but apparently if you can't make yourself look good enough to vote for then maybe you can make your opponent look bad enough NOT to vote for.  I'm wondering if we will see Jerry Brown speak up or even debate her before the election.  It is REALLY interesting how the papers and web are actually coming forward and telling us that she is lying in her ads.

Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers:
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrabe mostly involves scissors.
...you know atleast 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp thats over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats livin under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your frist bra was a Wonderbra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
...stealing road signs is a family outing.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refridgeator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...Everyone in the house learns somthing from the potty training videotape.
...Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have elictricty are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons. 

Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Early or Late ?

Why bother:  Took Max for a walk this morning and noticed a man on his house's roof.  He was very busy.  When I got closer, I could see he was taking down his Christmas lights (this is September, for gosh sakes)! 

Used to be that you could go into AAA or another travel agency and have them book you whole trip, now doing it yourself on the internet is a big chore.  When I didn't know about so many options, their choice was mine.  Now I spend hours comparing apples to oranges trying to make sense of it.  The is a tremendous lack of consistency from sit to site and between the association listings, which also makes it very tiring.

Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Comments Overheard in 1957 The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 

What our noses are missing...

So when we go to Atlanta for a relative's wedding, Max will go to the Human Society for boarding, but he needed to get shots updated today.  For just about a minute, I'd like to smell as good as a dog.  Max was immediately incensed and very excited and visibly shaken at what he smelled in the vet's waiting room.  I held him the whole time we were there.  I guess that last time he was there, they took his testicles.  Not having anything to lose (so to speak), he should have been more calm, I'm guessing.  At any rate, he is home now and a bit tired out.

  

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

It had to happen...

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the fuck cut your your hair?"

Don't fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air..

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to ! rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the tu rkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."  

Bad news from San Bruno...

So who approved building houses over a thirty-inch diameter gas pipe in San Bruno ?  With earthquakes, etc, it seems like a bomb waiting to blow- and then it did....  The claims have been that the flames were a thousand feet high (like a blowtorch).  I will bet that egg has fallen on the faces of P.G.& E., the City of San Bruno and the developer that built over the pipe.  The claim was that gas could be smelled for days but could no be isolated.  Why didn't they evacuate ??

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I've never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied. 

Talkin' Baseball
One oft-told story is that on short flies to center or left-center, center fielder Richie Ashburn would collide with shortstop Elio Chacón. Chacón, from Venezuela, spoke little English and had difficulty understanding when Ashburn was calling him off the ball.

To remedy matters, someone in the Mets organization taught Ashburn to say "Yo la tengo," Spanish for "I’ve got it." When Ashburn first used this phrase, it worked fine, keeping Chacón from running into him. But then left fielder Frank Thomas, who didn't speak a word of Spanish, slammed into Ashburn.

After getting up, Thomas asked Ashburn "What the heck is a Yellow Tango?"

Authentic answers to the English GCSE exam:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Keeping the Haints Away...

FASCINATING:  I was just reading more about Savannah and came across the mention of Haint Blue porches.  Being one of those people that look up things when they don't know about them; it turns out that the Haints are restless spirits of the dead who have not moved on from the physical world. They exist as non-physical in the space between our dimenson and what is beyond. This type of spirit is not the über friendly sort and you don't want them hanging around.  

What does Haint Blue do?  Haint Blue is meant to look like water and keep the Haints out of your house making you safe from their influence. Speculation has it that the tints, tones, and shades from the blue-green to blue-violet part of the visible spectrum fools the Haints. Haints can not cross water. Using Haint Blue on doors, shutters, window trim, ceilings, the whole darn structure, can fool Haints and discourage them from "crossing" into your house.

Perhaps this lends to the credo that Savannah is the most haunted city in America and Haint Blue is needed!

When we were in Greece and Turkey, there were blue evil eyes made of glass over the entrance to each house and store.  There was also jewelry made of the same design.  As t story goes,  they help to fend off evil and occasionally they crack or break, which means they worked!

IT'S JUST NOT MY DAY ! ! ! ! !

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't thinkyou'd CRY. I can`t standto see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking

lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my

wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! 

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Duct Tape Halloween Costume Ideas
Duct tape a small child or midget to your back and go as a hunch-
backed-two-headed guy. (If you can't locate a child or midget,
decapitate a department store mannequin, duct tape its head to
your shoulder, and go as 'The Thing with Two Heads')

Modern Metallic Mummy: cover yourself head to toe in duct tape
and speak in inaudible groans. Feeling old fashioned? Go with
white duct tape.

Wizard of Oz Tin Man: Simply follow the instructions for the
mummy costume but don't duct tape over your face. Instead, put a
funnel on top of your head and carry around a duct tape covered
oil can and axe.

Duct Tape Man: Use duct tape to fashion a mask and cape, cover an
old pair of tights (or long johns) with duct tape for the pants,
make a big duct tape D on the front of your shirt, and break the
ice with other party goers by sticking a swatch of duct tape on
everyone you meet!

The Human Shower: Don a raincoat, then use an old broomstick to
help duct tape a Hula-Hoop over your head. Add shower head and
shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop.

Wear something pink or minty green, duct tape a shoe to your
head, and go as Used Bubble Gum.

Duct tape yourself sticky-side-out and stick popcorn and candy
wrappers all over your body - you can go trick or treating as the
floor of a movie theatre!

Duct tape over your puffy down ski jacket and go as a baked
potato! (Don't forget the dollop of sour cream on your head -
created, of course, with white duct tape.)

Duct Tape yourself to your best friend (or spouse - or both as
the case may be) and go to the Halloween Party as Siamese twins.

Black pants and a black turtle neck with white duct tape bones
makes a quick and easy skeleton costume. Or, use silver duct tape
to make a Terminator skeleton.

Duct tape your head sticky-side-out and roll in freshly mowed
grass: Presto! You're a Chia Pet!

Duct tape mirrors all over yourself. You will either look like
The Invisible Man or like everyone else at the party.

Duct tape two boxes to your shoulders tall enough to match the
top of your head. Pull a turtle neck over them, and put on a
sport coat. You are now Headless Guy.

Duct Tape Biker: Cover your pants and jacket in black duct tape,
duct tape a set of handlebars into your hands and your Ol' Lady
to your back. A black or brown duct tape toupee (complete with
duct tail flip in the back) looks like totally greased-back biker
hair.

(Dads of teenagers will relate to this costume idea.) Cover
yourself with silver duct tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out
of your mouth. Presto! You've become the Human ATM!

"YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM IF..."  

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.


2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.


3. You have more wives than teeth.


5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.


6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.


7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.


8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.


10. Your cousin is president of the United States


11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.