Early or Late ?

Why bother:  Took Max for a walk this morning and noticed a man on his house's roof.  He was very busy.  When I got closer, I could see he was taking down his Christmas lights (this is September, for gosh sakes)! 

Used to be that you could go into AAA or another travel agency and have them book you whole trip, now doing it yourself on the internet is a big chore.  When I didn't know about so many options, their choice was mine.  Now I spend hours comparing apples to oranges trying to make sense of it.  The is a tremendous lack of consistency from sit to site and between the association listings, which also makes it very tiring.

Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' 

The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Comments Overheard in 1957 The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 

What our noses are missing...

So when we go to Atlanta for a relative's wedding, Max will go to the Human Society for boarding, but he needed to get shots updated today.  For just about a minute, I'd like to smell as good as a dog.  Max was immediately incensed and very excited and visibly shaken at what he smelled in the vet's waiting room.  I held him the whole time we were there.  I guess that last time he was there, they took his testicles.  Not having anything to lose (so to speak), he should have been more calm, I'm guessing.  At any rate, he is home now and a bit tired out.

  

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

It had to happen...

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh,really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the fuck cut your your hair?"

Don't fart in Bed
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air..

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to ! rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the tu rkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."  

Bad news from San Bruno...

So who approved building houses over a thirty-inch diameter gas pipe in San Bruno ?  With earthquakes, etc, it seems like a bomb waiting to blow- and then it did....  The claims have been that the flames were a thousand feet high (like a blowtorch).  I will bet that egg has fallen on the faces of P.G.& E., the City of San Bruno and the developer that built over the pipe.  The claim was that gas could be smelled for days but could no be isolated.  Why didn't they evacuate ??

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I've never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied. 

Talkin' Baseball
One oft-told story is that on short flies to center or left-center, center fielder Richie Ashburn would collide with shortstop Elio Chacón. Chacón, from Venezuela, spoke little English and had difficulty understanding when Ashburn was calling him off the ball.

To remedy matters, someone in the Mets organization taught Ashburn to say "Yo la tengo," Spanish for "I’ve got it." When Ashburn first used this phrase, it worked fine, keeping Chacón from running into him. But then left fielder Frank Thomas, who didn't speak a word of Spanish, slammed into Ashburn.

After getting up, Thomas asked Ashburn "What the heck is a Yellow Tango?"

Authentic answers to the English GCSE exam:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Keeping the Haints Away...

FASCINATING:  I was just reading more about Savannah and came across the mention of Haint Blue porches.  Being one of those people that look up things when they don't know about them; it turns out that the Haints are restless spirits of the dead who have not moved on from the physical world. They exist as non-physical in the space between our dimenson and what is beyond. This type of spirit is not the über friendly sort and you don't want them hanging around.  

What does Haint Blue do?  Haint Blue is meant to look like water and keep the Haints out of your house making you safe from their influence. Speculation has it that the tints, tones, and shades from the blue-green to blue-violet part of the visible spectrum fools the Haints. Haints can not cross water. Using Haint Blue on doors, shutters, window trim, ceilings, the whole darn structure, can fool Haints and discourage them from "crossing" into your house.

Perhaps this lends to the credo that Savannah is the most haunted city in America and Haint Blue is needed!

When we were in Greece and Turkey, there were blue evil eyes made of glass over the entrance to each house and store.  There was also jewelry made of the same design.  As t story goes,  they help to fend off evil and occasionally they crack or break, which means they worked!

IT'S JUST NOT MY DAY ! ! ! ! !

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't thinkyou'd CRY. I can`t standto see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking

lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my

wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! 

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Duct Tape Halloween Costume Ideas
Duct tape a small child or midget to your back and go as a hunch-
backed-two-headed guy. (If you can't locate a child or midget,
decapitate a department store mannequin, duct tape its head to
your shoulder, and go as 'The Thing with Two Heads')

Modern Metallic Mummy: cover yourself head to toe in duct tape
and speak in inaudible groans. Feeling old fashioned? Go with
white duct tape.

Wizard of Oz Tin Man: Simply follow the instructions for the
mummy costume but don't duct tape over your face. Instead, put a
funnel on top of your head and carry around a duct tape covered
oil can and axe.

Duct Tape Man: Use duct tape to fashion a mask and cape, cover an
old pair of tights (or long johns) with duct tape for the pants,
make a big duct tape D on the front of your shirt, and break the
ice with other party goers by sticking a swatch of duct tape on
everyone you meet!

The Human Shower: Don a raincoat, then use an old broomstick to
help duct tape a Hula-Hoop over your head. Add shower head and
shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop.

Wear something pink or minty green, duct tape a shoe to your
head, and go as Used Bubble Gum.

Duct tape yourself sticky-side-out and stick popcorn and candy
wrappers all over your body - you can go trick or treating as the
floor of a movie theatre!

Duct tape over your puffy down ski jacket and go as a baked
potato! (Don't forget the dollop of sour cream on your head -
created, of course, with white duct tape.)

Duct Tape yourself to your best friend (or spouse - or both as
the case may be) and go to the Halloween Party as Siamese twins.

Black pants and a black turtle neck with white duct tape bones
makes a quick and easy skeleton costume. Or, use silver duct tape
to make a Terminator skeleton.

Duct tape your head sticky-side-out and roll in freshly mowed
grass: Presto! You're a Chia Pet!

Duct tape mirrors all over yourself. You will either look like
The Invisible Man or like everyone else at the party.

Duct tape two boxes to your shoulders tall enough to match the
top of your head. Pull a turtle neck over them, and put on a
sport coat. You are now Headless Guy.

Duct Tape Biker: Cover your pants and jacket in black duct tape,
duct tape a set of handlebars into your hands and your Ol' Lady
to your back. A black or brown duct tape toupee (complete with
duct tail flip in the back) looks like totally greased-back biker
hair.

(Dads of teenagers will relate to this costume idea.) Cover
yourself with silver duct tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out
of your mouth. Presto! You've become the Human ATM!

"YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM IF..."  

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.


2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.


3. You have more wives than teeth.


5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.


6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.


7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.


8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.


10. Your cousin is president of the United States


11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.

Snakes on a Plane!

Ewwwwww...Snakes on a plane.  Imagine the surprise when this guy was caught with ninety-five snakes in his carry-on luggage!  Thank god for the TSA!


Much ado in the news about Terry Jones and the "Burn a Quran" event.  Why is it that extremists are so anxious to taunt other extremists ?  I agree that the Constitution provides for his Freedom of Speech, but similar to marriage, some things are best left unsaid.  The fact that this event may cause bodily harm to Americans anywhere is good enough reason to not do it.  After all, aren't they doing this because of the attack on 9/11 ?  Why cause it to happen again ? 

I see that Piers Morgan is taking over for Larry King.  I sure hope he has more patience than he does on America's Got Talent.  It is yet undetermined whether the interviewees will trust Piers as much as Larry....

Teased Old Lady

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Funny Names
Adam Baum
Adam Zapel
Al Bino
Al Dente
Al Fresco
Al K. Seltzer
Alf A. Romeo
Ali Katt
Amanda Lay (real person)
Amanda Lynn (a mandolin)
Amber Green
Andy Friese (as in antifreeze, a real race car driver)
Anita Bath, Anita Bohn, Anita Dick, Anita Friske, Anita Hanke (real person), Anita Goodman, Anita Hoare, Anita Job
Anita Knapp, Anita Lay, Anita Little, Anita Mann, Anita Mandalay, Anita Plummer, Anita Shower
Anna Graham
Anna Prentice (an apprentice)
Anna Recksiek (anorexic)
Anna Sasin
Anne Teak
Annette Curtain
Annie Howe, Annie Matter
April May (a real person I knew in high school)
April Schauer (allegedly a real person)
Aretha Holly
Armand Hammer
Art Major, Art Painter, Art Sellers
B.A. Ware
Barb Dwyer
Barb E. Dahl
Barbara Seville
Barry Cade
Bea Minor and Dee Major
Beau Archer, Beau Tye
Ben Dover, Ben Down, Eileen Dover, Skip Dover
Ben Marcata (a musical term)
Bess Eaton (donut shop chain)
Biff Wellington
Bill Board
Bill Ding
Bill Foldes
Bill Loney
Billy Rubin
Bob Apple
Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Kitty Katz
Bonnie Ann Clyde
Bonnie Beaver, MD - she's an Ob/Gyn of course!
Brad Hammer (carpenter joke)
Brandon Cattell
Brandy Anne Koch (Brandy and Coke)
Brandy D. Cantor
Brighton Early
Brock Lee
Brooke Trout
Bud Light
Bud Wieser (real college math teacher)
Buster Cherry, Buster Hyman
C. Good (alledgedly a real eye doctor)
C. Senor
C. Worthy
Cam Payne
Candace Spencer (can dispenser)
Candy Barr, Candy Baskett, Candy Kane, Candy Sweet
Cara Sterio (alleged real person)
Cara Van
Carrie Dababi ("carry the baby" - Dababi is an Egyptian name)
Carrie Oakey
Casey Macy
Cheri Pitts, Harry Pitts
Chip Munk
Chip Stone (sculptor)
Chris Coe
Chris Cross
Chris P. Bacon
Chuck U. Farley
Chuck Waggon
Claire Annette Reed
Constance Noring
Corey O. Graff
Count Dunn, Count Orff
Coyne Flatt (real person)
Craven Moorehead
Crystal Ball
Crystal Claire Waters
Crystal Glass, Crystal Snow
D. Kay, DDS
D. Liver
Dan D. Lyons
Dan Druff
Dan Saul Knight
Darren Deeds
Daryl Rhea
Dick Bender (real sports person)
Dick Burns
Dick Bush (real person)
Dick Face
Dick Finder (real name of a urologist)
Dick Head, Dick Hertz
Dick Hyman (famous jazz musician)
Dick Hunter (my junior high principal - really!)
Dick Mussell
Dick Pole (real major league baseball player)
Dick Rasch (real person)
Dick Swett
Dick Tator
Dick Trickle (real person, a NASCAR driver)
Dick Wood (real person, emailed me)
Dickson Yamada
Dilbert Pickles
Dinah Soares
Dixon, Cox, and Peters (law firm)
Don Key
Donald Duck
Donny Brook
Doris Schutt (Doris Open...)
Doug Graves
Doug Hole
Doug & Phil Updegrave (yes, this is a legitimate last name)
Doug Witherspoon
Douglas Furr
Dr. Baldock (of course he's a Urologist)
Dr. Croak
Dr. Harry C. Beaver (real OB/GYN, retired now)
Dr. Bender (Chiropracter)
Dr. Butcher
Dr. DeKay, DDS
Dr. & Dr. Doctor (real married doctors from Norwalk, CT)
Dr. E. Ville
Dr. Shelly Fingerhood (real OB/GYN)
Dr. Gass (allegedly a real anesthesiologist)
Dr. Gutstein
Dr. Hanus
Dr. Hurt (real pediatrician in Saginaw, MI)
Dr. Hymen
Dr. I. Ball (optometrist)
Dr. Kauff
Dr. Look (real opthalmologist in Hawaii)
Dr. Looney - a psychiatrist of course!
Dr. Payne (plastic surgeon in Sandusky, OH)
Dr. Pullham
Dr. Robert Fallis, real doctor who does vasectomies)
Dr. Slaughter (proof HERE, probably more with that name)
Dr. Surgeon (another real doctor from Stamford, CT)
Drew Peacock
Duane Pipe
Dusty Rhodes
Dusty Sandmann (real person, submitted by his dad Roger Sandmann)
Edna May (or may not)
Earl E. Bird
Earl Lee Riser
Easton West (and of course Weston East)
Eaton Wright and Liv Good
Ella Vader
Emma Royds
Eric Shinn
Ernie Coli (E. Coli) owns a Mexican restaurant?
Estelle Hertz (it still hurts)
Evan Keel
Faith Christian
Fanny O'Rear
Father A. Long
Ferris Wheeler
Ford Parker
Forrest Green
Dr. Frank Bonebreak (real doctor)
Gae Hooker (allegedly real surgical prep nurse)
Gaye Barr
Gaye Jolly
Gail Storm (Wendy Storm, Dusty Storm and Rory Storm)
Gene Poole
Geoff L. Tavish (Gefilte fish)
Gil Fish
Ginger Rayl, Ginger Snapp, Ginger Vitus
Gladys C. Hughes (glad to see you)
H. Wayne Carver, MD (Connecticut medical examiner who carves up dead people.)
Hamilton Burger (Ham Burger, character on the old Perry Mason TV series)
Harden Thicke
Harold Assman (and you thought that Seinfeld episode was just a joke)
Harry Armand Bach, Harry Balls, Harry Beard, Harry Beaver
Harry Caray (famous sports announcer)
Harry Chest, Harry Cox, Harry Johnson, Harry Legg, Harry Hooker, Harry P. Ness, Harry Peters, Harry Lipp, Harry Sachs
Harry R. M. Pitts
Harry Rump (a real plumber from Freemont, Maine!)
Hazle Nutt
Heidi Clare
Helen Back
Helen Waite (credit manager - if you want credit go to Helen Waite)
Herb Rice
Holly McRell
Holly Day, Holly Wood
Howie Doohan
Hugh Jass
Hugh Jorgan
Hugh Morris (a "humorous" name, thanks to Shaun Oriold)
Hy Ball
Hy Lowe, Bea Lowe
Hy Marx (scholar), Hy Price
I.D. Clair
I. Lasch
I.M. Boring
I.P. Freely, I.P. Daly
Ileane Wright, Ilene South (West, East...)
Ima Hogg (a real person, daughter of a Texas governor)
Iona Ford
Iona Frisbee (alledgedly a real person)
Iona Stonehouse (also alledgedly a real person)
Ivan Oder
Ivana Mandic (a real basketball player)
Ivy Leage
Jack Goff (my uncle - no kidding!)
Jack Haas
Jack Hammer
Jack Knoff
Jack Tupp (the perfect name for a car mechanic)
Jay Walker
Jean Poole
Jed Dye (Jedi)
Jenny Tull
Jerry Atrick
Jim Laucher (gym locker)
Jim Shorts, Jim Shu, Jim Sox
Jo King
Joe Kerr (joker)
Jordan Rivers
Joy Kil
Joy Rider
June Bugg
Justin Case, Justin Casey Howells, Justin Hale, Justin Inch, Justin Miles North (just ten miles north), Justin Time,
Kandi Apple
Kay Bull
Keelan Early (dying young) - real person who submitted his own name
Kelly Green
Kenny Penny
Kent C. Strait (an optometrist, of course!)
Kenya Dewit
Kerry Oki
King Queene
Lake Speed (a real person, NASCAR race car driver)
Lance Boyle, Lance Butts
Laura Lynne Hardy
Laura Norder (law and order)
Leigh King (leaking)
Les Moore
Les Payne - should be an anesthesiologist
Les Plack, a real dentist - proof HERE
Levon Coates
Lewis N. Clark (real person, he told me he drives an Explorer)
Lily Pond
Lina Ginster (allegedly real)
Lisa Carr, Kitty Carr, Otto Carr, Parker Carr
Lisa May Boyle, Lisa May Dye
Lois Price (bargain shopper) and her husband Hy Price
Lou Pole
Lou Zar (loser)
Lucy Fer
Luke Warm
Lynn C. Doyle
Lynn O. Liam
M. Balmer
Macon Paine (real name - Google it)
Mark Skid (Skid, Mark)
Manny Kinn
Marlon Fisher
Marsha Dimes (march of dimes)
Marsha Mellow
Marshall Law
Marty Graw
Mary Annette Woodin
Mary A. Richman
Mary Christmas
Matt Tress
Maude L.T. Ford
Max Little
Max Power
May Day
May Furst
Mel Loewe
Melba Crisp (real person who emailed me)
Melody Music
Mia Hamm (a real person)
Mike Easter
Mike Hunt
Mike Raffone
Mike Reinhart (My Cryin' Heart - sounds like it could be a country song)
Mike Rotch
Mike Stand (a real person)
Mike Sweeney (sounds as Mike's weenie), famous baseball player
Minny van Gogh
Missy Sippy (and her mom, Mrs. Sippy)
Mister Bates
Misty Waters (a real person)
Misty C. Shore (a real person), Rocky Shore, Sandy C. Shore (another real person)
Mo Lestor
Molly Kuehl
Mona Lott
Monica Monica (real person)
Morey Bund
Muddy Waters (famous blues singer, real name McKinley Morganfield)
Myles Long
Nancy Ann Cianci
Nat Sass
Neil Down, Neil Crouch
Neil McNeil (submitted by his cousin)
Nick O. Time
Noah Riddle, Noah Lott
Norma Leigh Lucid
Olive Branch
Olive Yew
Oliver Sutton (all of a sudden)
Ophelia Payne
Oren Jellow
Orson Carte
Oscar Ruitt
Otto Graf
Owen Moore, Owen Bigg (should be tax collectors)
P. Ness, A. Ness
P. Brain
Paige Turner
Park A. Studebaker
Pat Downe (a real person)
Pat McCann
Pat Hiscock
Pearl Button
Pearl E. Gates, Pearl E. White
Peg Legge
Penny Dollar, Bill Dollar (real people)
Penny Lane, Penny Nichols, Penny Profit, Penny Wise
Pepe Roni
Pete Moss and his son Forest

Tylenol stuffed mouse bombs....

I read today that Guam finally has a solution (maybe) to the Brown snake problem.  These snakes hitch-hiked in the landing gear of a commercial plane.  Since then, with no predators, they have continued to multiply until there are about 25 of them per acre.  


The local gubmint thought about getting some critters from another land to fight them, but since it had never worked anywhere, they gave up.  Their next bright idea was to collect  them and butcher them and offer them for sale in the their food markets.  The hope was that the locals might treat them as a delicacy and the problem would soon be defeated.  It wasn't.  Somebody determined that Brown snakes will eat dead prey, AND also that they do not tolerate acetaminophen.  So now they are bombing the countryside with dead mice with Tylenol stuffing.  Unfortunately, since snakes swallow their prey, they will have to have a minimum of one stuffed mouse per snake.  This sounds pretty ridiculous, but maybe ridiculous enough to actually work.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year- old soccer players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

Bubba's Buttholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."

Another paradigm Shift...

Why did the paradigm shift that the good ol' U.S. of A. no longer makes anything ? I'd say we have Mr. Clinton (otherwisely revered) to blame for a bunch of the shift of manufacturing to other countries.  Even outsourcing became cheap enough in some instances that the outsourced destination re-outsourced back to the U.S. !  This really doesn't make sense to me.  With all the home grown automation, how could it still be cheaper to send our raw materials overseas, have the item made and sent back to us ?  With the increase in the cost of living overseas, this WILL stop, but it still means that we will have to re-tool to regain some of our own business back here.  What a mess!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.

Zaca Lake -> Black Lagoon

We drove to Los Olivos today to look around and have a picnic.  We were shocked at how many wine tasting rooms there were and how few art galleries have survived.  Meanwhile, the little town is overflowing with tourists.  I think it is because of the "one-stop" nature of wine tasting, rather than finding and driving from one to another.  I have to admit, though, that they had plenty of free parking and porta-poddies spread all over town. 

We were going to visit Zaca Lake today.  Since I knew it has been recently sold (it is the only natural lake in the county, AND it is on private land).  I looked at their website and discovered that not only did you need a reservation, but it is a religious retreat now.  There was no mention of "day" use on the website, so I called.  Sure enough, the public has no access any longer .  When I looked at the website I discovered that "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" was filmed there!

 

From a Woman's Perspective:
Men are like ...Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.

Men are like ... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Creation of Man
God created the mule, and told him, 'You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'

The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'

And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'

And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren." 

Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry slippers.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-erasing cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

What would happen if my dog's name was MYPENIS ?
• Mypenis ate my homework.

• Sorry I'm late, I was playing with Mypenis.

• I'm sorry, officer, I didn't know I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

• I love giving Mypenis a bath.

• At night, I sleep with my penis in my hands.

• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

• Mypenis needs more exercise, he weighs over 50 pounds.

• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

• Keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

• I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

• Help! I can't find Mypenis!

• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer, but I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

• On no, I think something bit Mypenis.

• Be careful and don't step on Mypenis.

• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

• Stop kicking Mypenis.

• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.

• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but i think he looks better standing at attention.

• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.
Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.

He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he
chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.

Tommy grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Tommy.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.

Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the
first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"