Snakes on a Plane!

Ewwwwww...Snakes on a plane.  Imagine the surprise when this guy was caught with ninety-five snakes in his carry-on luggage!  Thank god for the TSA!


Much ado in the news about Terry Jones and the "Burn a Quran" event.  Why is it that extremists are so anxious to taunt other extremists ?  I agree that the Constitution provides for his Freedom of Speech, but similar to marriage, some things are best left unsaid.  The fact that this event may cause bodily harm to Americans anywhere is good enough reason to not do it.  After all, aren't they doing this because of the attack on 9/11 ?  Why cause it to happen again ? 

I see that Piers Morgan is taking over for Larry King.  I sure hope he has more patience than he does on America's Got Talent.  It is yet undetermined whether the interviewees will trust Piers as much as Larry....

Teased Old Lady

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Funny Names
Adam Baum
Adam Zapel
Al Bino
Al Dente
Al Fresco
Al K. Seltzer
Alf A. Romeo
Ali Katt
Amanda Lay (real person)
Amanda Lynn (a mandolin)
Amber Green
Andy Friese (as in antifreeze, a real race car driver)
Anita Bath, Anita Bohn, Anita Dick, Anita Friske, Anita Hanke (real person), Anita Goodman, Anita Hoare, Anita Job
Anita Knapp, Anita Lay, Anita Little, Anita Mann, Anita Mandalay, Anita Plummer, Anita Shower
Anna Graham
Anna Prentice (an apprentice)
Anna Recksiek (anorexic)
Anna Sasin
Anne Teak
Annette Curtain
Annie Howe, Annie Matter
April May (a real person I knew in high school)
April Schauer (allegedly a real person)
Aretha Holly
Armand Hammer
Art Major, Art Painter, Art Sellers
B.A. Ware
Barb Dwyer
Barb E. Dahl
Barbara Seville
Barry Cade
Bea Minor and Dee Major
Beau Archer, Beau Tye
Ben Dover, Ben Down, Eileen Dover, Skip Dover
Ben Marcata (a musical term)
Bess Eaton (donut shop chain)
Biff Wellington
Bill Board
Bill Ding
Bill Foldes
Bill Loney
Billy Rubin
Bob Apple
Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Kitty Katz
Bonnie Ann Clyde
Bonnie Beaver, MD - she's an Ob/Gyn of course!
Brad Hammer (carpenter joke)
Brandon Cattell
Brandy Anne Koch (Brandy and Coke)
Brandy D. Cantor
Brighton Early
Brock Lee
Brooke Trout
Bud Light
Bud Wieser (real college math teacher)
Buster Cherry, Buster Hyman
C. Good (alledgedly a real eye doctor)
C. Senor
C. Worthy
Cam Payne
Candace Spencer (can dispenser)
Candy Barr, Candy Baskett, Candy Kane, Candy Sweet
Cara Sterio (alleged real person)
Cara Van
Carrie Dababi ("carry the baby" - Dababi is an Egyptian name)
Carrie Oakey
Casey Macy
Cheri Pitts, Harry Pitts
Chip Munk
Chip Stone (sculptor)
Chris Coe
Chris Cross
Chris P. Bacon
Chuck U. Farley
Chuck Waggon
Claire Annette Reed
Constance Noring
Corey O. Graff
Count Dunn, Count Orff
Coyne Flatt (real person)
Craven Moorehead
Crystal Ball
Crystal Claire Waters
Crystal Glass, Crystal Snow
D. Kay, DDS
D. Liver
Dan D. Lyons
Dan Druff
Dan Saul Knight
Darren Deeds
Daryl Rhea
Dick Bender (real sports person)
Dick Burns
Dick Bush (real person)
Dick Face
Dick Finder (real name of a urologist)
Dick Head, Dick Hertz
Dick Hyman (famous jazz musician)
Dick Hunter (my junior high principal - really!)
Dick Mussell
Dick Pole (real major league baseball player)
Dick Rasch (real person)
Dick Swett
Dick Tator
Dick Trickle (real person, a NASCAR driver)
Dick Wood (real person, emailed me)
Dickson Yamada
Dilbert Pickles
Dinah Soares
Dixon, Cox, and Peters (law firm)
Don Key
Donald Duck
Donny Brook
Doris Schutt (Doris Open...)
Doug Graves
Doug Hole
Doug & Phil Updegrave (yes, this is a legitimate last name)
Doug Witherspoon
Douglas Furr
Dr. Baldock (of course he's a Urologist)
Dr. Croak
Dr. Harry C. Beaver (real OB/GYN, retired now)
Dr. Bender (Chiropracter)
Dr. Butcher
Dr. DeKay, DDS
Dr. & Dr. Doctor (real married doctors from Norwalk, CT)
Dr. E. Ville
Dr. Shelly Fingerhood (real OB/GYN)
Dr. Gass (allegedly a real anesthesiologist)
Dr. Gutstein
Dr. Hanus
Dr. Hurt (real pediatrician in Saginaw, MI)
Dr. Hymen
Dr. I. Ball (optometrist)
Dr. Kauff
Dr. Look (real opthalmologist in Hawaii)
Dr. Looney - a psychiatrist of course!
Dr. Payne (plastic surgeon in Sandusky, OH)
Dr. Pullham
Dr. Robert Fallis, real doctor who does vasectomies)
Dr. Slaughter (proof HERE, probably more with that name)
Dr. Surgeon (another real doctor from Stamford, CT)
Drew Peacock
Duane Pipe
Dusty Rhodes
Dusty Sandmann (real person, submitted by his dad Roger Sandmann)
Edna May (or may not)
Earl E. Bird
Earl Lee Riser
Easton West (and of course Weston East)
Eaton Wright and Liv Good
Ella Vader
Emma Royds
Eric Shinn
Ernie Coli (E. Coli) owns a Mexican restaurant?
Estelle Hertz (it still hurts)
Evan Keel
Faith Christian
Fanny O'Rear
Father A. Long
Ferris Wheeler
Ford Parker
Forrest Green
Dr. Frank Bonebreak (real doctor)
Gae Hooker (allegedly real surgical prep nurse)
Gaye Barr
Gaye Jolly
Gail Storm (Wendy Storm, Dusty Storm and Rory Storm)
Gene Poole
Geoff L. Tavish (Gefilte fish)
Gil Fish
Ginger Rayl, Ginger Snapp, Ginger Vitus
Gladys C. Hughes (glad to see you)
H. Wayne Carver, MD (Connecticut medical examiner who carves up dead people.)
Hamilton Burger (Ham Burger, character on the old Perry Mason TV series)
Harden Thicke
Harold Assman (and you thought that Seinfeld episode was just a joke)
Harry Armand Bach, Harry Balls, Harry Beard, Harry Beaver
Harry Caray (famous sports announcer)
Harry Chest, Harry Cox, Harry Johnson, Harry Legg, Harry Hooker, Harry P. Ness, Harry Peters, Harry Lipp, Harry Sachs
Harry R. M. Pitts
Harry Rump (a real plumber from Freemont, Maine!)
Hazle Nutt
Heidi Clare
Helen Back
Helen Waite (credit manager - if you want credit go to Helen Waite)
Herb Rice
Holly McRell
Holly Day, Holly Wood
Howie Doohan
Hugh Jass
Hugh Jorgan
Hugh Morris (a "humorous" name, thanks to Shaun Oriold)
Hy Ball
Hy Lowe, Bea Lowe
Hy Marx (scholar), Hy Price
I.D. Clair
I. Lasch
I.M. Boring
I.P. Freely, I.P. Daly
Ileane Wright, Ilene South (West, East...)
Ima Hogg (a real person, daughter of a Texas governor)
Iona Ford
Iona Frisbee (alledgedly a real person)
Iona Stonehouse (also alledgedly a real person)
Ivan Oder
Ivana Mandic (a real basketball player)
Ivy Leage
Jack Goff (my uncle - no kidding!)
Jack Haas
Jack Hammer
Jack Knoff
Jack Tupp (the perfect name for a car mechanic)
Jay Walker
Jean Poole
Jed Dye (Jedi)
Jenny Tull
Jerry Atrick
Jim Laucher (gym locker)
Jim Shorts, Jim Shu, Jim Sox
Jo King
Joe Kerr (joker)
Jordan Rivers
Joy Kil
Joy Rider
June Bugg
Justin Case, Justin Casey Howells, Justin Hale, Justin Inch, Justin Miles North (just ten miles north), Justin Time,
Kandi Apple
Kay Bull
Keelan Early (dying young) - real person who submitted his own name
Kelly Green
Kenny Penny
Kent C. Strait (an optometrist, of course!)
Kenya Dewit
Kerry Oki
King Queene
Lake Speed (a real person, NASCAR race car driver)
Lance Boyle, Lance Butts
Laura Lynne Hardy
Laura Norder (law and order)
Leigh King (leaking)
Les Moore
Les Payne - should be an anesthesiologist
Les Plack, a real dentist - proof HERE
Levon Coates
Lewis N. Clark (real person, he told me he drives an Explorer)
Lily Pond
Lina Ginster (allegedly real)
Lisa Carr, Kitty Carr, Otto Carr, Parker Carr
Lisa May Boyle, Lisa May Dye
Lois Price (bargain shopper) and her husband Hy Price
Lou Pole
Lou Zar (loser)
Lucy Fer
Luke Warm
Lynn C. Doyle
Lynn O. Liam
M. Balmer
Macon Paine (real name - Google it)
Mark Skid (Skid, Mark)
Manny Kinn
Marlon Fisher
Marsha Dimes (march of dimes)
Marsha Mellow
Marshall Law
Marty Graw
Mary Annette Woodin
Mary A. Richman
Mary Christmas
Matt Tress
Maude L.T. Ford
Max Little
Max Power
May Day
May Furst
Mel Loewe
Melba Crisp (real person who emailed me)
Melody Music
Mia Hamm (a real person)
Mike Easter
Mike Hunt
Mike Raffone
Mike Reinhart (My Cryin' Heart - sounds like it could be a country song)
Mike Rotch
Mike Stand (a real person)
Mike Sweeney (sounds as Mike's weenie), famous baseball player
Minny van Gogh
Missy Sippy (and her mom, Mrs. Sippy)
Mister Bates
Misty Waters (a real person)
Misty C. Shore (a real person), Rocky Shore, Sandy C. Shore (another real person)
Mo Lestor
Molly Kuehl
Mona Lott
Monica Monica (real person)
Morey Bund
Muddy Waters (famous blues singer, real name McKinley Morganfield)
Myles Long
Nancy Ann Cianci
Nat Sass
Neil Down, Neil Crouch
Neil McNeil (submitted by his cousin)
Nick O. Time
Noah Riddle, Noah Lott
Norma Leigh Lucid
Olive Branch
Olive Yew
Oliver Sutton (all of a sudden)
Ophelia Payne
Oren Jellow
Orson Carte
Oscar Ruitt
Otto Graf
Owen Moore, Owen Bigg (should be tax collectors)
P. Ness, A. Ness
P. Brain
Paige Turner
Park A. Studebaker
Pat Downe (a real person)
Pat McCann
Pat Hiscock
Pearl Button
Pearl E. Gates, Pearl E. White
Peg Legge
Penny Dollar, Bill Dollar (real people)
Penny Lane, Penny Nichols, Penny Profit, Penny Wise
Pepe Roni
Pete Moss and his son Forest

Tylenol stuffed mouse bombs....

I read today that Guam finally has a solution (maybe) to the Brown snake problem.  These snakes hitch-hiked in the landing gear of a commercial plane.  Since then, with no predators, they have continued to multiply until there are about 25 of them per acre.  


The local gubmint thought about getting some critters from another land to fight them, but since it had never worked anywhere, they gave up.  Their next bright idea was to collect  them and butcher them and offer them for sale in the their food markets.  The hope was that the locals might treat them as a delicacy and the problem would soon be defeated.  It wasn't.  Somebody determined that Brown snakes will eat dead prey, AND also that they do not tolerate acetaminophen.  So now they are bombing the countryside with dead mice with Tylenol stuffing.  Unfortunately, since snakes swallow their prey, they will have to have a minimum of one stuffed mouse per snake.  This sounds pretty ridiculous, but maybe ridiculous enough to actually work.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year- old soccer players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

Bubba's Buttholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."

Another paradigm Shift...

Why did the paradigm shift that the good ol' U.S. of A. no longer makes anything ? I'd say we have Mr. Clinton (otherwisely revered) to blame for a bunch of the shift of manufacturing to other countries.  Even outsourcing became cheap enough in some instances that the outsourced destination re-outsourced back to the U.S. !  This really doesn't make sense to me.  With all the home grown automation, how could it still be cheaper to send our raw materials overseas, have the item made and sent back to us ?  With the increase in the cost of living overseas, this WILL stop, but it still means that we will have to re-tool to regain some of our own business back here.  What a mess!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.

Zaca Lake -> Black Lagoon

We drove to Los Olivos today to look around and have a picnic.  We were shocked at how many wine tasting rooms there were and how few art galleries have survived.  Meanwhile, the little town is overflowing with tourists.  I think it is because of the "one-stop" nature of wine tasting, rather than finding and driving from one to another.  I have to admit, though, that they had plenty of free parking and porta-poddies spread all over town. 

We were going to visit Zaca Lake today.  Since I knew it has been recently sold (it is the only natural lake in the county, AND it is on private land).  I looked at their website and discovered that not only did you need a reservation, but it is a religious retreat now.  There was no mention of "day" use on the website, so I called.  Sure enough, the public has no access any longer .  When I looked at the website I discovered that "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" was filmed there!

 

From a Woman's Perspective:
Men are like ...Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Men are like ... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.

Men are like ... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Creation of Man
God created the mule, and told him, 'You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'

The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'

And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'

And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren." 

Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry slippers.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-erasing cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

What would happen if my dog's name was MYPENIS ?
• Mypenis ate my homework.

• Sorry I'm late, I was playing with Mypenis.

• I'm sorry, officer, I didn't know I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

• I love giving Mypenis a bath.

• At night, I sleep with my penis in my hands.

• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

• Mypenis needs more exercise, he weighs over 50 pounds.

• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

• Keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

• I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

• Help! I can't find Mypenis!

• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer, but I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

• On no, I think something bit Mypenis.

• Be careful and don't step on Mypenis.

• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

• Stop kicking Mypenis.

• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.

• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but i think he looks better standing at attention.

• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.
Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.

He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he
chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.

Tommy grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Tommy.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.

Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the
first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"

Whitman's Campaign: Gimme a Break...

We watched (I mean ssttrruugglleedd through) Greenberg last night.  I really never saw a point to the plot, or that it had one, or that is made any progress until it was FINALLY over.  I haven't figured how they convinced somebody to invent money in making it, nevermind watching it.

I know that there is a tremendous difference in the amount of money that Whitman can and will spend versus Brown, and all negatively.  I guess I'm just surprised at Brown's campaign- or lack of- so far.  Perhaps he feels as though she is digging a big enough hole that she doesn't need his help, which is probably true.  At this point, I'm not quite sure that I could trust the answer if I asked Meg Whitman the time of day, which means she won't get my vote.  And probably, no matter who was running in Brown's place, they would most-likely get my vote to keep her from winning.

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from whom knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on,wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?

Where am I? Who am I?

Why am I reading this?

Did I send it? Did you?

Who farted?  

7 Degrees of Blond

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.' 


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'  

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Hot Dog Vendor

10. "I trapped the meat myself."

9. "Can we hurry this up, I have to meet my parole officer."

8. "Botulism, schmotulism, am I right, Vicky?"

7. "Would you like to smear mustard on me?"

6. "I kissed every one for good luck."

5. "There's a zoo in every bite."

4. "Did you see me on '60 Minutes' last night?"

3. "Would you like a drink to wash down this uncooked mystery tube?"

2. "I'll see you in the emergency room, genius!"

1. "You're my first customer in eight weeks." 

Revolving-door Restaurants...

I like what Jerry Lewis had to say about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (a couple of spoiled brats).  Basically, they need a good spanking!

We went for a walk with Max downtown and then decided to get a bite to eat before we returned home.  It was then that I realized that there were less than ten restaurants that we would consider AND we have over 500 in the area.  Almost all of the places we frequent have a favorite dish waiting for us. The prices are commensurate with the meal and the atmosphere and the location.  The service has always been great.  All those things together make a place we will return to over and over.  Vary any of those features and you'll get some people to stop and return, but not all.  There are just some places you can't say anything bad about.  There are also places that we recommend open locations closer to our house, almost every time we go.  They are successful and many, many other placed change owners every six months.

Points to Ponder... Why Ask Why?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

What Your Resume Really Means

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.

I'm Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'm On The Go:
I'm never at my desk.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk

Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969. "

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back.

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

Little known fact...

In 1946, after many years of endeavor, Norman, Hymie and Maxwell Goldberg finally invent the first air-conditioning unit that can be fitted inside a car. So thrilled and confident are these three brothers that they decide to sell it to the largest car manufacturer in the world – Ford
They install their only working unit in one of their cars and choosing a hot day, drive to Ford’s Head Office in Detroit. On arrival, they ask to see Henry Ford himself, but as they don’t have an appointment, they have to use all their charm to persuade his secretary to help them. Within minutes, she’s telling Mr Ford that sitting in her office are three well dressed gentlemen with a most exciting invention that will help sell more Ford cars.
Henry Ford immediately asks them to join him in his office. But they refuse, asking him instead to go with them to the car park to see their invention. He agrees and when they reach the Goldberg’s car, all four get in. As it’s now very hot outside, the Goldbergs turn on their air-conditioning unit. Almost immediately the car begins to cool down. Henry Ford is very excited and asks if they have patented their invention – which they are pleased to confirm. So he invites them back to his office for some discussion.
One hour later, the Goldbergs are offered $3million for their invention. But they refuse. They not only want $5million but they also desire recognition by having a label on every one of their units saying, ‘A Goldberg Air-Conditioning unit.’
But Henry Ford says that there is no way he is going to put the name ‘Goldberg’ on millions of his Ford cars (everyone in America knows that he is more than a little bit anti-Semitic.) So they go back to haggling and eventually reach an agreement for the product. The offer now is $4.5million plus the display in each car of just the first names of the three brothers.
And so today all Ford air-conditioning units show their names on the air-conditioning controls as "Norm" "Hi" "Max".

Standing Knee-deep in a Rising Stream...

With the E-reader explosion [Kindle, Nook, Sony, iPad ...] in the market now, it seems the most important to the manufacturers to capture your "content" business.  I contend that this may be a valiant effort to control the "content" market but anyone with half a brain, that reads, should be able to see through its goal.  If I was in charge and I wanted to capture someone's "content" business, I would give the E-reader away for free or after a reasonable "content" purchase.  Almost all of the E-reader manufacturers want you to pay for THEIR E-reader AND only buy THEIR "content".  I don't always buy books from the same publisher or at the same store or even always new, so I am conflicted as to why they expect me to change my habits as well as the "consumption" paradigm.  Will I need to own multiple E-readers ?  Is the REAL money in the "content" ?  If so, why aren't the "content" publishers making it available in many formats AND why aren't the readers flexible enough to accept many formats from many sources ?   I feel like I'm standing knee-deep in a rising stream with many boats passing, but I don't know which to jump into...

We have to remember that the publishers are going through a major paradigm shift as well, AND they have to support both the printed "content" as well as E-reader "content".  What about the whole issue of OWNING the "content" I buy ?  Do I REALLY own it, or only RENT it for my own use ?  How about electronic magazine and newspaper subscriptions ?  Will my doctor or dentist provide E-readers for their waiting rooms ?  What about barber shops ?  Can I use an E-reader on an airplane during takeoff and landing ?  The whole industry is still in a state of flux.

So now they are wanking about the redo of the Oval Office.  It is not offensive in the least and the President is entitled to his own taste.  We should cut the  (way overworked and stressed-out) guy a break!

Worst/Best Analogies of High School Students

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

Steve Jobs .... does it again

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

Called iTit, the chip will cost between $499 and $699 depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

Redneck Quotes and Sayings
He who laughs last probably doesn’t understand the joke.

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree.

If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

Don’t worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

If the Lord had meant us to fly, He would have given us aluminum skin.

If you lie to the computer, it will get you.

You couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

If you see an onion ring - answer it!

I’d rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than…

She’s wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister’s wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play her.

You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

It’s colder than a mother-in-law’s love.

She’s uglier than a bucket full of armpits. Bless her heart.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Ain’t no point in beatin’ a dead horse…’course, can’t hurt none either.

I’d love to have a dress just like that, but I don’t go to many Puerto Rican proms.

He’s so stupid, he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.

Gimmick: AppleTV!

Today was a beautiful day which I spent indoors doing documentation. The job is not done until the paperwork is completed!


So splain to me:  Why would I want to buy AppleTV so I can rent TV shows for 99 cents ?  Somebody must think its a good idea, so maybe I'm missing something here- or I'm just to smart to be conned into another of Apple's closed-end schemes which only limits me to Apple content.  Apple is really banking on the fact that Apple-people will wait in line to buy anything they sell.  I just don't get it...

 


Forget Rednecks...

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.

The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is "shake" and the 46th word from the last word is "spear".

If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

The strength of early lasers was measured in Gillettes, the number of blue razor blades a given beam could puncture.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Point Roberts in Washington State is cut off from the rest of the state by British Columbia, Canada. If you wish to travel from Point Roberts to the rest of the state or vice versa, you must pass through Canada, including both Canadian and U.S. customs.

The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

There is an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Newborn babies are given to the wrong mother in the hospital 12 times a day worldwide.

The Starbucks at the highest elevation is on Main Street in Breckenridge, Colorado.

Each year, over 1,000,000 people fail to itemize out the mortgage interest deduction on their income taxes. Last year, this amounted to $473,000,000 in taxes.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts - an hourglass and a sundial.

One out of three employees who received a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it.

If you know a (male) millionaire who happens to be married, The most likely profession of his wife is a teacher.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

1 pound of lemons contain more sugar than 1 pound of strawberries.

The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

60% of all US potato products originate in Idaho.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time.

A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley's Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first (and only) home run.

The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter "screeched" and "strengths".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" read 4:20.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.

A snail can also sleep for three years.

A starfish can turn its stomach inside out.

A strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.

Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry.

Only 14% of Americans say they've skinny dipped with the opposite sex.

"60 Minutes" on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.

An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime waiting at red lights.

The Olympic flag's colors are always red, black, blue, green and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

Cats can hear ultrasound.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter "A".

23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never wear underwear.

Superman is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld", either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the men who cheat on their wives die while having sex.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

"Choice"...

So as the official war in Iraq ends today, I have been asking a few questions ... Was it worth the loss of life ?  Was it worth the monies spent ?  Could we have bought peace there for the same amount of money or less ?  Who REALLY profited ?

Today was very slow.  I had busywork to get accomplished and a training class in Ethics.  The day dragged on for eternities. 


We had a CFL flicker in one of our bathrooms today.  So after work I went over to Home Depot and bought a replacement for seven dollars!  This is one of those bulbs with a special rectangular base and two pins.  It barely provides any light at all, but prevents you from putting in a larger watt bulb without replacing the socket in the ceiling.  Why is it that the gubmint (albeit local) has to restrict what kind of light bulbs that I can put in my house or the building permit would not be issued ?  That bulb costs at least six times more than a normal twist-base CFL, but we are stuck with the limits of that square-based wattage.  Electricity is already expensive, but if I'm willing to pay for regular bulbs or higher wattage twist-based CFLs, that should be my choice.  "Choice" is supposed to one of my inalienable rights!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

So......I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 

Random thoughts......

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

 

Message From the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America...

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. As we have a perfectly running arm of our nation situated to your north, we will move your seat of power to Ottawa, Canada immediately. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.  

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2011) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).