Another Google Gulp!

Had breakfast with a friend from a job I had about 18 years ago, today.  Nick has a very nice family, a good measure of his success.

Growing too fast ?  Google is buying a company a week.  This is beginning to sound a bit dangerous.  Do they need these companies or are they eliminating possible future competition ?

Bananas and Monkeys
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.
And that, my friends, is how company policies are made. 

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night.

The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.
Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son,
and a gigantic pig who is sporting three medals around his neck,
as well as a wooden leg.

Unable to contain his curiosity he asks, "Would you mind telling
me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little
Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and
started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out
of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we
gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver
medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the
middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the
flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us
up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you

about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks
ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased
that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal
and allowed him to eat with us here in the house."

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating
his meal. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, a pig like that you
don't eat all at once!"

The world (as we think we know it) will change forever...in hours.

So remember when I said that we should be concerned that BP could declare bankruptcy ?  No that they have REALLY determined that all the oil is not gone, but "stuck" 3000 feet below the surface, where will it come up ?  

Or worse yet, what is it poisoning ?  New Orleans is advertising low-octane shrimp, but what if the food-chain is poisoned.  If the lowest end of the food-chain, the krill, is poisoned and it works its way up, how do we handle that ?  

I think they should suck that oil up from that twenty-mile long plume and hope that they get it all, instead of waiting for it to disperse.

In hours, the world will change forever as Iran fires up their first nuclear reactor. How long can it be before they have a bomb and a way to deliver it ?

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the buggy, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . This little bastard's name is Kevin." 

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to"bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Palin's True Colors Revisited

I am ecstatic that Dr. Laura is going to retire from the airwaves.  I am also very happy that Sarah Palin is supporting her.  Palin is providing us with one more layer revealed of her persona.  If we had ever suspected that there was one shred of justice in her, she has just proved otherwise.


New Orleans now has low-octane shrimp for sale.... 

Why is it that many people that own hybrid cars have a holier-than-thou attitude.  Are they ignorant enough to believe that they are providing a benefit to the world by using less gasoline in their car ?  Don't they realize that the electricity that is generated to charge their plug-in was more than likely generated by burning coal- which is at least as bad than the extra gasoline.  Worse than that, though, may be the plans for disposing of the exhausted batteries when that time comes.  Those of you that saw "Slumdog Millionaire" know what happens to our recycled electronics (they end up in India). Maybe owning an electric or hybrid car is just a "feelgood" measure in a time where they are far-and-few between.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections
from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf
person for this job: if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be
able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,
000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in
a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is
late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The
hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags
the guy to a sign language interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him whereda money
is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's - the - money?"

The deaf man signs back, "I - don't - know - what - you're - talking - about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about".

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where - is - the - money?"

The deaf man signs back, "The - $40,000 - is - hidden - in - a - tree - stump - in - my - back- yard."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

The Unnatural Evolution of the Mindset

The mindset is changing ever so fast.  Can we keep up ?  Is it important?  I asked my daughter why she carries her cell phone around with her and she responded that if someone calls or texts, she wants to answer immediately, because otherwise would be rude!  This "umbilical" nature with her technological needs has become "natural" for her generation.  

Why is it so important to be "wired" all the time ?  Are we not able to escape anymore ?  More and more places are becoming WiFi enabled.  More and more cell towers are bombarding us with as-yet unproven unsafe RF radiation.  Putting that aside, what is the effect on our mindset and on the social expectations from us. 

Have we become too dependent on technology to have original thoughts and revel in the private encounters with nature without technologies' interruptions ?  Did we forget to "smell the flowers"?  

There is a huge danger here that we will forget how to operate without technology's help.  What then ?  Remember the movie "Idiocracy" ?  

As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

The Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2014
Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992.
For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead.
1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”
4. Al Gore has always been animated.
5. Los Angelenos have always been trying to get along.
6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.
7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.
9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.
14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.
18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.
20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.
22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.
23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.
25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.
26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.
27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.
30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.
31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum.
32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.
33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.
34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always been an alternative to hospitals.
35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”
38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.
41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam.
42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.
43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.
45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.
46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.
48. Someone has always gotten married in space.
49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.
50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
51.  Food has always been irradiated.
52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he? 
54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.
55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.
56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.
57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife. 
58. Beethoven has always been a dog.
59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.
62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine. 
63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.
64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.
65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.
66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.
67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.
68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.
69. The Post Office has always been going broke.
70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.
72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.
73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.
74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi Channel.
75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

Finding Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following this simple advice, I finally have found Inner Peace:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the house this morning I have finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, all my Prozac, and a small box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right how.

Pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Understanding Politics
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit

Carnation Milk
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With "Carnation Milk is best of all."

She thought to herself; "I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this." She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said; "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it."

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch"

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner...

I looked away for a couple seconds.

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Stupid women drivers! 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid..

Wisdomless...

Well Tori was a trooper and had her surgery this morning.  She had a bit of trouble returning to the "feeling" world, though.  Her first words were, "Can we go though In-and-Out on the way home?".  Then she was babbling about Pocahontas and a bent-neck giraffe.  She didn't know who me or her mother was or where she was.  She got a look at herself in a mirror and asked who that was!  Boy....that was good stuff she is on!

By 4:00 she was out in the family room having a bowl of oatmeal still with a numb chin and bottom lip.

Travel advisory

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, these state tourism councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 


Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, 90 and 94 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35 & 65 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit. 

Questions And Answers From An AARP Forum
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A:   Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:  How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:   Take off your glasses.

Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:   Go braless; it will usually pull them out.

Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A:   On their foreheads.

Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:   'Gosh, I remember these!'

Smile, you've still got your sense of humor, right?

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back." 

A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil. "My
testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to Jill. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?

"Grape."

David Who ?

Coincidence ?  Actually, I put my picture of David on the blog on Saturday.  It is bizarre to find a similar (but not as good) picture on CNN.  Apparently their is some confusion of its ownership.


Last evening we saw a movie called "Orange County" that was actually pretty funny.  We watched it because it was conveniently available AND it was partially filmed at Occidental.  I guess many films are made there as they are pretty convenient and cooperative.


Today we went to the oral surgeon for Tori and she had her panoramic x-ray to look at her wisdom teeth.  All four are impacted and will have to come out tomorrow morning.

I agree that they have the right to put a mosque by Ground Zero, but I think it is in poor taste.  It will (no doubt) have issues getting built and if it is ever finished, I'm sure it will have security issues.  Given that that is the case, why would someone want to do that ?  The only answer that I can come up with, is "because they can" and with to "rub our noses" in the fact.

Why the US is in deep trouble

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,

''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in
its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book
out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed,

"It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the
cover."

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.

Children are great!
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?" 

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.

This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Fortify -
>>I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify."

2. Income -
>>I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

3. Catacomb -
>> I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4 Foreclose -
>> If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum -
>> I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment -
>> My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna
send me back to the joint.

7. Penis -
>> I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel -
>> Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine -
>> There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic -
>> When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq -
>>When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain -
>>My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:

> Today's word is: "OMELETTE"

> Let us use it in a sentence.

>>"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Taliban? Hah!

So we (the US of A) are sending aid (mainly food) to the flood ravaged people of Pakistan.  The Taliban is telling the people not to take Western aid.  We have put large American flag insignia (like 3 feet by 4 feet) on the helicopters dropping off aid, so the people will see where it is coming from.  There are no strings attached- no conditions for acceptance.  In fact, we are just pushing the packages out the the copters without stopping.  If you or your family just barely survived devastating floods, wouldn't you accept food from where ever it came ?  How ridiculous can the Taliban be ?  I bet they use the food too!

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair

remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week." 

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.' The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's the fourth person?' Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.' 

Counseling - Southern StyleEarl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

Grow Younger Eating Bacon Grease!

Can you believe this article claiming that bacon grease is the fountain of youth ?  I doubt it.  I have heard many stories about farmer's that drink whole milk and eat bacon and eggs all their life and are fine.  I think the body (in good health) learns to cope with whatever it is given.

Why all this talk about dumping Biden in 2012 ?  Do we REALLY think that that would have any bearing on Obama winning or losing ?


Holy Carp!  Flying fish in Illinois!  Why do you think that the city of Bath, Illinois holds a Redneck Fishing Tournament ?  Aren't Rednecks from the south ?

A DAM STORY
An actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-
flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed
no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water
Management Division
This is the actual response sent back -
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to
respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this
type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a
dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both
of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they
being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the
environment (beavers' dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff
to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

Redneck Medical Terms

* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

What is a Redneck ?
To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.

To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.

To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.

To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.

To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.

To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck.

And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.

Area 51
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night." 

Paraskevidekatriaphobia ?

Do you think that Friday the 13th is unlucky ?

There are not many shows on the radio which I detest more than listening to Dr. Laura. If I come across her show, I change stations instantly. I have always know that she is a hypocrite. She is proving it now by this latest news article.  Not only that, but she mistreats the people that call her.  She has no patience or compassion for anyone.  I used to think that it was just a persona, but I'm more convinced that she is just THAT bad.  Having a person like that on the media only spurs more hatred and ignorance.


Here's something I just can't figure out:  Why does anybody even care if Gay Marriage is legal ?  Obviously, there will always be churches that wouldn't perform the ceremony.  Would anyone care if it was just allowed as a civil union ?  I guess I'm just part of the "Ebony and Ivory" faction. Why can't we just live in harmony ?  Are there really that many uneducated racists and homophobes out there.  I don't consider California a particularly religious state- diverse yes, but not religious.  Apparently, Utah (which is a very religious state) is having similar issues on this topic.  I wouldn't have guessed.


There sure is a lot of talk about whether Sarah Palin is a contender in 2012.  If those people were paying attention to what she says and does, how could she be ?  The answer is twofold: 1) Many people see color before integrity and intelligence. 2) Many people like the "Alaskan Hick" (A derogatory slang term for lower class whites raised in rural areas, usually within trailer parks or hog farms. Generally used more for Midwesterners than Southerners (see: redneck) General defining characteristics of a hick: Protestant upbringing, usually Baptist; racist and sexist opinions; does not attend college ; dumber than a post.) attitude that she has.  I wouldn't want to listen to her for the campaign, never-mind the partial term that she would serve, if elected.

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

 

Only in Merry Olde England
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:
"For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there is one chopping at the roots."

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:
"For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand smoking the stuff."

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator *back* into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.

Perseid Meteor Showers

Going up to Figueroa Mountain (by Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch) to watch the planetary lineup and the Perseid meteor showers. It should be fun- or we'll all catch colds - or both.


Can anyone believe what Ben Quayle has been saying ? I can understand being unhappy with Obama's performance, but to call him the worst President in history. That is just ridiculous. After all, we gave George Bush eight years to shape up and now Obama is having to not only pick up the pieces but also undo the harm that he and the Republicans caused. I firmly believe that things will get better, and then Obama will be to blame. This guy thinks he is going to win an election saying those kind of things. The only people that will vote for him are the same ones that see Obama's color before his goodness. They will ignore the evil and crooked because of their color. We should all reserve judgement for when Obama manages to upend all the dominoes that Bush toppled. Right now we don't even know about all the dominoes or their repercussions. It is probably good that this jerk spouts off before he is put into a position of power. Now maybe we can prevent that....


The mountain jaunt was off. It was too dark and their was too much traffic. We went to the Vista Point adjacent to Lake Cachuma to view the shower (trickle). We faced the back of my pickup to the Northeast and reclined in the bed. All night long, we buzzed by bats pursuing their evening repast.There were not as many meteors as predicted (twenty per hour), but some were fantastic, traveling the whole width of the the sky, while others were very small, bright, segments. Also very impressive 2was the lineup of the planets adjacent, in the sky, to the crescent moon.

36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You don't have a burning desire to own an AK47.

Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:

See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:

See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

You Might be a Child of the 80's If...

* You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before.

* The phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

* You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.

* The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

* Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

* Three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

* You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".

* You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

* You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

* A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".

* You're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.

* You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

* While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

* You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

* You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".

* You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".

* You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.

* You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

* You knew all the words to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

* You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".

* You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:

          o "When I was younger"
          o "When I was your age"
          o "You know, back when..."
          o "Because I said so, that's why"
          o "What the Hell is this noise on the radio?"
          o "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"


* You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" didn't involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

* Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.

* Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

* "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

* The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

* There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

* The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

* You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.

* You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.

* You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

* Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".

* This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

* You remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS...".

* You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

* You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

* You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

* You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".

* Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

* You want to go out dancing, you really, really do, but your back hurts, sorry.

* You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.

* You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

* You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

* (mostly guys on this one) Sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.

* You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

* U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.

* You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

* When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

* You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

* You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.

* You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

* You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there".

* You know who shot J.R.

* This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Paducah, KY who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Bowling Green. One of my sisters lives in Taylorsville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Louisville. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute, who currently lives in Lexington. She is still a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin from Ashland, who just removed the tag from his mattress. Concerned for my cousin as she might reveal this to the wrong individuals.