Taliban? Hah!

So we (the US of A) are sending aid (mainly food) to the flood ravaged people of Pakistan.  The Taliban is telling the people not to take Western aid.  We have put large American flag insignia (like 3 feet by 4 feet) on the helicopters dropping off aid, so the people will see where it is coming from.  There are no strings attached- no conditions for acceptance.  In fact, we are just pushing the packages out the the copters without stopping.  If you or your family just barely survived devastating floods, wouldn't you accept food from where ever it came ?  How ridiculous can the Taliban be ?  I bet they use the food too!

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair

remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week." 

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.' The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's the fourth person?' Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.' 

Counseling - Southern StyleEarl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing Tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

Grow Younger Eating Bacon Grease!

Can you believe this article claiming that bacon grease is the fountain of youth ?  I doubt it.  I have heard many stories about farmer's that drink whole milk and eat bacon and eggs all their life and are fine.  I think the body (in good health) learns to cope with whatever it is given.

Why all this talk about dumping Biden in 2012 ?  Do we REALLY think that that would have any bearing on Obama winning or losing ?


Holy Carp!  Flying fish in Illinois!  Why do you think that the city of Bath, Illinois holds a Redneck Fishing Tournament ?  Aren't Rednecks from the south ?

A DAM STORY
An actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-
flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed
no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water
Management Division
This is the actual response sent back -
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to
respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this
type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a
dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both
of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they
being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the
environment (beavers' dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff
to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

Redneck Medical Terms

* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

What is a Redneck ?
To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.

To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.

To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.

To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.

To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.

To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck.

And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.

Area 51
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night." 

Paraskevidekatriaphobia ?

Do you think that Friday the 13th is unlucky ?

There are not many shows on the radio which I detest more than listening to Dr. Laura. If I come across her show, I change stations instantly. I have always know that she is a hypocrite. She is proving it now by this latest news article.  Not only that, but she mistreats the people that call her.  She has no patience or compassion for anyone.  I used to think that it was just a persona, but I'm more convinced that she is just THAT bad.  Having a person like that on the media only spurs more hatred and ignorance.


Here's something I just can't figure out:  Why does anybody even care if Gay Marriage is legal ?  Obviously, there will always be churches that wouldn't perform the ceremony.  Would anyone care if it was just allowed as a civil union ?  I guess I'm just part of the "Ebony and Ivory" faction. Why can't we just live in harmony ?  Are there really that many uneducated racists and homophobes out there.  I don't consider California a particularly religious state- diverse yes, but not religious.  Apparently, Utah (which is a very religious state) is having similar issues on this topic.  I wouldn't have guessed.


There sure is a lot of talk about whether Sarah Palin is a contender in 2012.  If those people were paying attention to what she says and does, how could she be ?  The answer is twofold: 1) Many people see color before integrity and intelligence. 2) Many people like the "Alaskan Hick" (A derogatory slang term for lower class whites raised in rural areas, usually within trailer parks or hog farms. Generally used more for Midwesterners than Southerners (see: redneck) General defining characteristics of a hick: Protestant upbringing, usually Baptist; racist and sexist opinions; does not attend college ; dumber than a post.) attitude that she has.  I wouldn't want to listen to her for the campaign, never-mind the partial term that she would serve, if elected.

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

 

Only in Merry Olde England
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:
"For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there is one chopping at the roots."

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:
"For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand smoking the stuff."

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator *back* into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.

Perseid Meteor Showers

Going up to Figueroa Mountain (by Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch) to watch the planetary lineup and the Perseid meteor showers. It should be fun- or we'll all catch colds - or both.


Can anyone believe what Ben Quayle has been saying ? I can understand being unhappy with Obama's performance, but to call him the worst President in history. That is just ridiculous. After all, we gave George Bush eight years to shape up and now Obama is having to not only pick up the pieces but also undo the harm that he and the Republicans caused. I firmly believe that things will get better, and then Obama will be to blame. This guy thinks he is going to win an election saying those kind of things. The only people that will vote for him are the same ones that see Obama's color before his goodness. They will ignore the evil and crooked because of their color. We should all reserve judgement for when Obama manages to upend all the dominoes that Bush toppled. Right now we don't even know about all the dominoes or their repercussions. It is probably good that this jerk spouts off before he is put into a position of power. Now maybe we can prevent that....


The mountain jaunt was off. It was too dark and their was too much traffic. We went to the Vista Point adjacent to Lake Cachuma to view the shower (trickle). We faced the back of my pickup to the Northeast and reclined in the bed. All night long, we buzzed by bats pursuing their evening repast.There were not as many meteors as predicted (twenty per hour), but some were fantastic, traveling the whole width of the the sky, while others were very small, bright, segments. Also very impressive 2was the lineup of the planets adjacent, in the sky, to the crescent moon.

36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You don't have a burning desire to own an AK47.

Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:

See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:

See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

You Might be a Child of the 80's If...

* You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before.

* The phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

* You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.

* The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

* Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

* Three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

* You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".

* You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

* You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

* A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".

* You're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.

* You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

* While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

* You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

* You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".

* You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".

* You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.

* You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

* You knew all the words to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

* You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".

* You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:

          o "When I was younger"
          o "When I was your age"
          o "You know, back when..."
          o "Because I said so, that's why"
          o "What the Hell is this noise on the radio?"
          o "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"


* You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" didn't involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

* Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.

* Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

* "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

* The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

* There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

* The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

* You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.

* You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.

* You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

* Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".

* This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

* You remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS...".

* You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

* You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

* You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

* You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".

* Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

* You want to go out dancing, you really, really do, but your back hurts, sorry.

* You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.

* You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

* You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

* (mostly guys on this one) Sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.

* You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

* U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.

* You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

* When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

* You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

* You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.

* You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

* You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there".

* You know who shot J.R.

* This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Paducah, KY who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Bowling Green. One of my sisters lives in Taylorsville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Louisville. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute, who currently lives in Lexington. She is still a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin from Ashland, who just removed the tag from his mattress. Concerned for my cousin as she might reveal this to the wrong individuals.

Birthrights ?

Fogust continues...  Supposedly it will clear this weekend, which may be in time to prevent "grayness" depression.  We'll see.  At least the afternoons are beautiful.

Tonight and tomorrow night is the Perseid meteor shower.  We plan to go to the mountains to see it, given that the fog allows.

CNN says that 1 in 12 births in the US are to undocumented parents.  I don't believe that the intent of the law was to make these many kids citizens by default.  If their parents become citizens, I don't have any problem.  Citizenship should be earned and not a birthright.  Meanwhile, we in each state bear the burden of support in many, many ways.  That can't be right, and certainly cannot continue.  Is it time to rewrite this (and maybe a few more) laws (very quickly) ??

What a fine pickle I've gotten myself into now!

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking
for a place to stop and picnic.  The first blonde says,

"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of
the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in
the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to
swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other,

"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

Bill Engvall took it upon himself to hand out these imaginary signs to anyone acting stupid. Here are his best.

• (In a hallway waiting for an elevator) A stranger approaches and asks, “Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?” Engvall replies, “No, these are the ones that go side to side. The ones that go up are down the hall.” Engvall then explains to the audience, “He walked away!”
• (In a store buying pants) The clerk asks, “Are you gonna buy these?” Engvall’s reply: “Nope, gonna steal ‘em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here’s your sign.”
• Engvall’s wife (Gail) says, “Why do they put those [deer crossing] signs up? Deer can’t read.” Engvall’s reply: “No, but they can recognize pictures of themselves. Here’s your sign.”
• (Engvall and a buddy were getting off of a boat with a string full of bass) A stranger asks, “You catch all those fish?” Engvall’s reply: “Nope. Talked ‘em into givin’ up. Here’s your sign.”
• (On the phone at an airport talking to his wife explaining that the plane hit a deer) Engvall’s wife says, “Oh my God! Were you on the ground?” Engvall’s reply: “Nope, Santa was making one last run. Here’s your sign”.

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Fruit Flies Return to California...

Today was a good day.  I put to rest a few bugs and implemented some new features.  I sure am ready for a vacation though...


I should say that I am not surprised that ethics breaches are being found in congress.  What will be very interesting is to see all of those guilty members convert the unlucky ones that got caught into scapegoats.  They must think that the public is stupid enough to believe that only the guilty ones will be punished.  Many will get away with their poor choices.  I hope that those that got caught will drag a few more of their buddies down with them.  We need a good house (of representatives) cleaning and senatorial flushing.  These guys get too comfortable in their lofty position and they forget who they work for.


I see that the fruit flies have returned to Southern California.  Perhaps they heard that Jerry Brown is running for Governor!  Maybe they are taking over for the swallows...

An Indian (or to use the currently politically correct term - a
Casino Owning American) walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it
down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the
air, blasts it with the shotgun, and then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to
the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the
last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about
anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job.
Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

New word meanings:
Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v):
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

Glibido (v):
All talk and no action.

Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Dopeler effect (n):
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 

Sent to the welfare office

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born 

Blind Man's Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passerby who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the ass." 

Bizzaro Comic Strip Easter Egg - This Is Odd

First, get about any Bizarro comic. Then, look for 1 of the following items (watch out, they are problably hidden):

1. An eyeball
2. A rabbit face
3. A crown, most likely with some writing below it.
4. A spaceship
5. A slice of pie
6. A k with a 2 beside it

The reason that he the artist put them in there is just to prove how very strange the comic is.
P.S. Sometimes, a few of the items are not there. this is problably just because he couldn't fit them in. 

Max Headroom ???

Tori was invited, yesterday, to attend a polo match at the Santa Barbara Polo Grounds. She got all dressed in a sun dress and had a wide brim straw hat and high heels. Her friend rented a cabana next to the field. It came with finger sandwiches, drinks and a waiter. She said that she felt overdressed until she got there and parked our Honda Pilot amongst the Rolls-Royces, Porsches and Maseratis.

Remember Max Headroom from the 80's ?  Well, heeeeee's back.....





I just read that we will be treated to a new reality show next November:  "Sarah Palin's Alaska".  Supposedly (yet to be seen), it will not be about Sara Palin's family or Wasilla, but will be hosted by her for $1M per episode....Give me a break!  I hope someone can write her dialog in such a way that she can get her foot out of her mouth even for a short time...

Ever wonder what would happen if the Coyote caught the Roadrunner ???

I see Patricia Neal died yesterday.  She was my cousin's next-door neighbor in Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard.  Her house was used for the Sheriff's office in "Jaws". My cousin said that he can make out his house in the movie as well.  She was very talented and special in "Hud".  Unfortunately she led a very tragic life, family-wise and health-wise.

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.


Politics from a Star-Wars Perspective:

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen." 

Informational Only

Fogust (continued)...

Well Fogust continues as the last vestiges of this year's Fiesta clears out.  I'm sure that confetti on everything in sight downtown from the thousands of Cascarones.  All the trash cans in sight are overflowing.  Most celebrants are asleep until after noon.  I wonder how many arrests there were....


We watched "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" last evening (sorry, it was too late to get this out last night).  I found it an enjoyable fantasy.  It was very interesting to see former James Bond, Piece Brosnan as a centaur and Uma Thurman as Medusa.  The special effects were great, but the plot and acting were definitely in the "C" range.  This was a good kids movie and may be the beginning of a series of movies, given the number of books that there are.

Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.  Hell, we do
that all the time.  It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own.  A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to
piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,
and onto his shoe.  I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up.  I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay.  Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't
aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on
the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.  You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.  OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just
not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to
my wife.  I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried
sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room.  Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to  that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in
the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!

Those of you that are fans of Snapple, here is collection of retired facts from the inside of their caps...





#1 A Goldfish’s attention span is three seconds.

#2 Animals that lay eggs don’t have belly buttons.

#3 Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes under water.

#4 Slugs have four noses.

#5 Camels have three eyelids.

#6 A honey bee can fly at 15mph.

#7 A queen bee can lay 800-1,500 eggs per day.

#8 A bee has five eyes.

#9 The average speed of a housefly is 4.5 mph.

#10 Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas.

#11 Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp.

#12 Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backward.

#13 Cats have over 100 vocal chords.

#14 Camel’s milk does not curdle.

#15 All porcupines float in water.

#16 The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

#17 A hummingbird weighs less then a penny.

#18 A jellyfish is 95% water.

#19 Children grow faster in the spring.

#20 Broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower.

#21 Almonds are part of the peach family.

#22 Alaska has the highest percentage of people who walk to work.

#23 The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile national monument.

#24 The state of Maine has 62 lighthouses.

#25 The only food that does not spoil is honey.

#26 The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters.

#27 A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber.

#28 Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.

#29 On average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.

#30 Fish have eyelids.

#31 The average human will eat an average of eight spiders while sleeping.

#32 There are one million ants to every human in the world.

#33 Termites eat through wood two times faster when listening to rock music!

#34 If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white.

#35 Elephants only sleep two hours a day.

#36 A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

#37 A snail breathes through its foot.

#38 Fish cough.

#39 An ant’s smell is stronger then a dog’s.

#40 It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down.

#41 Shrimp can only swim backward.

#42 Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open.

#43 A cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways.

#44 The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.

#45 Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day.

#46 Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump.

#47 Giraffes have no vocal chords.

#48 Cats can hear ultrasound.

#49 Despite its hump … camels has a straight spine.

#50 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.

#51 There are 63,360 inches in a mile.

#52 Eleven percent of people in the world are left-handed.

#53 The average women consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.

#54 The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.

#55 A human brain weighs about three pounds.

#56 A quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

#57 You blink over 10,000,000 times a year.

#58 A sneeze travels out of your nose at 100 mph.

#59 Brain waves can be used to power an electric train.

#60 The tongue is the fastest healing part of the body.

#61 Pigs get sunburned.

#62 The lifespan of a taste bud is 10 days.

#63 The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.

#64 Strawberries contain more vitamin C then oranges.

#65 A one-day weather forecast requires about 10 billion math calculations.

#66 Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza a day.

#67 There are 18 different animal shapes in the animal cracker zoo.

#68 The longest one syllable word is “screeched.”

#69 No word in the English language rhymes with month.

#70 A “jiffy” is actually 1/100 of a second.

#71 There is a town called “Big Ugly” in West Virginia.

#72 The average person uses 150 gallons of water per day for personal use.

#73 The average person spends two weeks of its life waiting for a traffic light to change.

#74 You share your birthday with nine million others in the world.

#75 The average person makes 1,140 phone calls per year.

#76 The average person spends two years on the phone in his/her lifetime.

#77 No piece of paper can be folded more then seven times.

#78 Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the U.S.

#79 There are 119 grooves on the edge of a quarter.

#80 About 18 percent of animal owners share their bed with their pet.

#81 Alaska has more caribou than people.

#82 August has the highest percentage of births.

#83 Googol is a number (1 followed by 100 zeros).

#84 Oysters can change genders back and forth.

#85 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

#86 Until the 19th century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

#87 A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance.

#88 A ten gallon hat holds less then one gallon of liquid.

#89 The average American walks 18,000 steps a day.

#90 The average raindrop falls at seven mph.

#91 There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

#92 Fish can drown.

#93 A kangaroo can jump 30 feet.

#94 Lizards communicate by doing push-ups.

#95 Squids can have eyeballs the size of volleyballs.

#96 The average American will eat 35,000 cookies in his/her lifetime.

#97 A turkey can run at 20 mph.

#98 When the moon is directly over you, you weigh less.

#99 You burn 20 calories an hour chewing gum.

#100 In a year, the average person walks four miles making their bed.

#101 About half of all Americans are on a diet at any given time.

#102 A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

#103 Frowning burns more calories then smiling.

#104 There are more then 30,000 diets on public record.

#105 You will burn seven percent more calories walking on hard dirt then pavement.

#106 You weigh less at the top of a mountain then sea level.

#107 You burn more calories sleeping then watching TV.

#108 Licking a stamp burns 10 calories.

#109 Smelling apples and/or bananas can help you lose weight.

#110 Frogs never drink.

#111 Only male turkeys gobble.

#112 At birth, a Dalmatian is always pure white.

#113 The fastest recorded speed of a racehorse was over 43 mph.

#114 The oldest known animal was a tortoise, which lived to be 152 years old.

#115 Bamboo makes up 99 percent of a panda’s diet.

#116 The largest fish is the whale shark - it can be over 50 feet long and weigh two tons.

#117 The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.

#118 Honeybees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.

#119 The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

#120 The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

#121 The only bird that can swim and not fly is a penguin.

#122 A duck can’t walk without bobbing its head.

#123 Beavers were once the size of bears.

#124 Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.

#125 Pigeons have been trained by the U.S. Coast Guard to spot people lost at sea.

#126 A pigeon’s feathers are heavier than its bones.

#127 A hummingbird’s heart beats 1,400 times a minute.

#128 Dragonflies have six legs but can’t walk.

#129 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.

#130 Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.

#131 Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water.

#132 A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

#133 Honeybees navigate by using the sun as a compass.

#134 An ant can lift 50 times its own weight.

#135 A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans per year.

#136 Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

#137 The city of Los Angeles has three times more automobiles than people.

#138 Hawaii is the only U.S. state that grows coffee.

#139 Hawaii is the only state with one school district.

#140 Holland is the only country with a national dog.

#141 The square dance is the official dance of the state of Washington.

#142 Hawaii is the only U.S. state never to report a temperature of zero degrees F or below.

#143 “Q” is the only letter in the alphabet not appearing in the name of any U.S. state.

#144 Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.

#145 Lake Superior is the world’s largest lake.

#146 The smallest county in America is New York County, better known as Manhattan.

#147 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.

#148 The tallest man was 8 ft. 11 in.

#149 Theodore Roosevelt was the only president who was blind in one eye.

#150 The first sport to be filmed was boxing in 1894.

#151 The fastest served ball in tennis was clocked at 154 mph in 1963.

#152 In 1985, the fastest bicyclist was clocked at 154 mph.

#153 The speed limit in NYC was eight mph in 1895.

#154 Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls.

#155 In 1926, the first outdoor mini-golf courses were built on rooftops in NYC.

#156 Swimming pools in the U.S. contain enough water to cover San Francisco.

#157 The first TV soap opera debuted in 1946.

#158 The first MTV video was “Video Killed the Radio Star,” by the Buggles.

#159 The first TV show ever to be put into reruns was “The Lone Ranger.”

#160 One alternative title that had been considered for NBC’s hit “Friends” was “Insomnia Café.”

#161 The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was “Captain Kangaroo.”

#162 The temperature of the sun can reach up to 15 million degrees Fahrenheit.

#163 The first penny had the motto “Mind your own business.”

#164 The first vacuum was so large, it was brought to a house by horses.

#165 Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise.

#166 Before mercury, brandy was used to fill thermometers.

#167 You have to play ping-pong for 12 hours to lose one pound.

#168 One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns.

#169 The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.

#170 In 1878, the first telephone book ever issued contained only 50 names.

#171 The most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and the fingertips.

#172 The eye makes movements 50 times every second.

#173 Chinese is the most spoken language in the world.

#174 The world’s biggest pyramid is not in Egypt, but in Mexico.

#175 In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.

#176 The first bike was called a hobbyhorse.

#177 The first sailing boats were built in Egypt.

#178 The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00.

#179 The first lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty in 1886.

#180 The first VCR was made in 1956 and was the size of a piano.

#181 The first jukebox was located in San Francisco in 1899.

#182 A rainbow can only be seen in the morning or late afternoon.

#183 The Capitol building in Washington, D.C. has 365 steps to represent every day of the year.

#184 The most used letters in the English language are E, T, A, O, I and N.

#185 A male kangaroo is called a boomer.

#186 A female kangaroo is called a flyer.

#187 There are over 61,000 pizzerias in the U.S.

#188 Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest, and highest continent on earth.

#189 The Sahara Desert stretches farther than the distance from California to New York.

#190 Thailand means “Land of the Free.”

#191 Popcorn was invented by the American Indians.

#192 Jupiter spins so fast that there is a new sunrise nearly every 10 hours.

#193 The year that read the same upside down was 1961. That won’t happen again until 6009.

#194 You don’t have to be a lawyer to be a Supreme Court Justice.

#195 Eleven of the 50 states are named after an actual person.

#196 If you doubled one penny every day for 30 days, you would have $5,368,709.

#197 The first person crossed Niagara Falls by tightrope in 1859.

#198 The U.S. is the largest country names after an actual person (Amerigo Vespucci).

#199 The largest cheesecake ever made weighed 57,508 lbs.

#200 The first country to use postcards was Austria.

#206 Over 1 million earths would fit inside the sun.

#208 Add up opposing sides of a dice cue and you’ll always get seven.

#214 Giraffes can lick their own eyes.

#218 A jackrabbit can travel more than 12 feet in one hop.

#221 The game of basketball was first played using a soccer ball and two peach baskets.

#227 Tsiology is anything written about tea.

#228 There is a town in South Dakota named Tea.

#229 The Caspian Sea is actually a lake.

#232 The blue whale’s heart is the size of a small car.

#233 There are seven letters that look the same upside down as right side up.

#236 Cows give more milk when they listen to music.

#238 An ostrich’s brain is smaller than its eye.

#244 The watermelon seed-spitting world record is about 70 feet.

#251 There are more French restaurants in New York City than in Paris.

#257 The first food eaten in space by a U.S. astronaut was applesauce.

#258 Lemon wood is carved into chess pieces.

#262 The act of chewing an apple is a more efficient way to stay awake than caffeine.

#267 Double Dutch jump rope is considered a cross-training sport.

#268 One lemon tree will produce about 1,500 lemons a year.

#269 Horseback riding can improve your posture.

#270 Colors like red, yellow and orange make you hungry.

#272 At birth a human has 350 bones, but only 206 bones when full grown.

#273 Each year, the average American eats about 15 pounds of apples.

#275 It took the first man to walk around the world four years, three months and 16 days to complete his journey.

#278 China only has one time zone.

#292 Heavier, not bigger, lemons produce more juice.

#294 No only child has been a U.S. President.

#300 Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.

#302 Ketchup was once sold as a medicine.

#312 A flea can jump 30,000 times without stopping.

#315 No two lip impressions are the same.

#326 On average, you’ll spend a year of your life looking for misplaced objects.

#336 The last letter to be added to our alphabet was J.

#346 The medical term for writer’s cramp is graphospasm.

#351 Cold water weighs less than hot water.

#354 Bamboo can grow three feet in one day.

#357 A baboon is a variety of lemon.

#358 Butterflies were formerly known by the name Flutterby.

#359 A teaspoon contains 120 drops of water.

#360 Mexican jumping beans jump to get out of sunlight.

#363 Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

#366 The center of some golf balls contain honey.

#370 Heat, not sunlight, ripens tomatoes.

#372 A housefly hums in the key of F.

#381 Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables.

#383 Mount Katahdin in Maine is the first place in the U.S. to get sunlight each morning.

#390 Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.

#396 The dragonfly can reach speeds of up to 36 mph.

#399 Manhattan was the first capital of the United States.

#406 The deepest place in the ocean is about seven miles deep.

#408 Panda bears eat up to 16 hours a day.

#409 Approximately 16,500 people in the U.S. go by the last name Lemon.

#411 Lifejackets used to be filled with sunflower seeds for flotation.

#419 A jiffy is an actual time measurement equaling 1/100th of a second.

#422 Apples, peaches and raspberries are all members of the rose family.

#423 U.S. paper currency isn’t made of paper - it’s actually a blend of cotton and linen.

#424 The “ZIP” in the ZIP code stands for Zone Improvement Plan.

#425 Kangaroos can’t walk backwards.

#427 Lemons ripen after you pick them, but oranges do not.

#428 There are 118 ridges on the edge of a United States dime.

#429 There are 336 dimples on a regulation American golf ball.

#430 One acre of peanuts will make 30,000 peanut butter sandwiches.

#431 A twit is the technical term for a pregnant goldfish.

#436 Beavers have orange teeth.

#437 The woodpecker can hammer wood up to 16 times per second.

#438 Mount Everest rises a few millimeters every year.

#439 Snails can sleep for up to three years.

#440 The pupils in goats’ eyes are rectangular.

#442 Bees’ wings beat 11,400 times per minute.

#444 The Statue of Liberty wears a size 879 sandal.

#445 If there are two full moons in a month, the second one is called a “blue” moon.

#446 You breathe in about 13 pints of air every minute.

#447 A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds.

#448 The sun evaporates about a trillion tons of water a day.

#449 Sound travels quicker in water than in air.

#450 A group of cats is called a clowder.

#452 There are approximately 9,000 taste buds on your tongue.

#453 Raindrops can fall as fast as 20 miles per hour.

#454 Polar bear fur is transparent, not white.

#455 Lobsters can live up to 50 years.

#458 Fresh cranberries can be bounced like a rubber ball.

#463 The dot over the letter “I” is called a tittle.

#464 Cows do not have upper front teeth.

#469 454 U.S. dollar bills weigh exactly one pound.

#473 Antarctica has as much ice as the Atlantic Ocean has water.

#474 To temporarily revive your ballpoint pen, dip the tip into hot water for a few seconds.

#475 Wrapping rubber bands around the ends of hangers can prevent clothes from slipping off.

#476 Replacing your car’s air filter can improve gas mileage by 10 percent.

#477 A chalkboard eraser is one of the best ways to wipe a foggy windshield.

#478 Candles will burn longer and drip less if they are placed in the freezer a few hours before using.

#479 Knots come out easier if you sprinkle talcum powder on them.

#480 You can tell which day a loaf of bread was baked by the color of its plastic twist tag.

#484 Rinsing bacon under cold water before frying can reduce the amount it shrinks by almost 50 percent.

#485 Refrigerating apples can help them last up to 10 times longer than those left at room temperature.

#486 While chopping onions, hold a piece of bread between your lips to keep your eyes from watering.

#487 Place an apple in the bag with your potatoes to keep them from budding.

#488 Place a slice of bread in the storage container to keep cookies soft when storing.

#489 To keep an ice cream cone from dripping, stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of the cone.

#490 To take lumps out of a bag of sugar, place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours.

#492 To remove crayon marks from walls, use a hairdryer to heat the wax.

#493 To make a zipper slide up and down more smoothly, rub a bar of soap over the teeth.

#494 Wipe the leaves of your plants with the soft inside of a banana skin to bring up shine and remove dust.

#496 To clean paint off your hands, use olive oil - it softens the paint and makes it easy to remove.

#497 To fix a button about to fall off, dab a little clear nail polish over the threads holding it on.

#651 Forty-six percent of leisure visitors to downtown New York City come from outside the United States.

#654 New York taxi drivers collectively speak 60 languages

#658 New York City is made up of 50 islands.

#660 The strike note of The Liberty Bell is E flat.

#661 Pigs were banished from Philadelphia’s city streets in 1710.

#662 Philadelphia was the first capital of the United States.

#663 Forty percent of America’s population lives within a one-day drive to Philadelphia.

#664 It is against the law to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.

#665 One in six doctors in America was trained in Philadelphia.

#667 The shoreline at Wildwood grows almost 100 feet per year.

#668 Cape May is the oldest seashore resort in America.

#669 In the game Monopoly, the properties are named after streets in Atlantic City.

#670 Long Beach Island was once frequented by pirates.

#671 There is a town called “Jersey Shore” in Pennsylvania.

#672 The Wildwood Boardwalk extends nearly two miles and has more than 70,000 wooden planks.

#673 The first Ferris wheel was built in Atlantic City in 1869.