Sleepy Day...

Well Tori got a very large picture of herself in the New-Press at the French Festival.  We were surprised...


It was warm today and I did very little around the house and yard.  Also, I am beat from the stresses of the week...


Now that the Gulf leak is (temporarily) plugged, keep your eyes peeled for news abut BP filing bankruptcy...  What will we do then ?  This is the REAL test for Obama...

I've been in contact with someone interested in buying the Vette that lives in Houston. I've been taking a lot of specific pictures of it for him, but I haven't heard  from him recently.  I wonder what conclusions he is coming to...


"The month of June was the warmest on record worldwide, according to a report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration."  I am amazed.  I thought last year was, or maybe it was just our proximity to all those wildfires.

Southern Baptist Dinner for Eight

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband,'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot(the yard dog) a double hand full. Ole ' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ole 'Spot just died' Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm. Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

Stella Awards
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 9-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around. 

Test for Dementia 
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







Answer: If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?







Answer: If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math!

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.

Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.







Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer:Nunu?







NO!Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?





He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Summer Saturday (enjoy it while we can)...

Tori went to the French Festival today and came home with beautiful Lavender and a three-foot baguette. She said it was very crowded.

We went for a hike (with Max) on the Elwood Bluffs and down along the sand.  The day was beautiful and the surf had washed up many rocks and shells.  I found a Sandollar, which I never see here at all.



We went to see "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" this afternoon and heartily enjoyed it.  The part was made for Nicholas Cage...

Late Night Call

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear"

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's 

Trailer Park Rules
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone. 

She's SOOOO blonde...
...she thought a quarterback was a refund
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools
...she thought General Motors was in the Army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes"
...she studied for a blood test-and failed.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
...she sold the car for gas money
...when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Redneck Medical Terms

* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

Welcome Friday...

I think that Apple's response to their antenna woes and the bad publicity surrounding the problem is way too small.  They are still in "Toyota-land", but will get away with it because of their maniacal fan base.  Giving away a free case (i.e. BAND-AID), is the cheap way to (hopefully) get out of jail, so to speak.  I would bet that iPhone5 is not too far away, and you can bet that the problem will be fixed.  I cannot imagine spending that kind of money and hearing that the best solution to my problem is to put duct tape over the antenna. 

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the
horses...."

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items
in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a
large empty jam jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jam jar
was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks.  He then asked the
students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The
students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be
full.  The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small
stuff."

 "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for
the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention
to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner
out dancing.  There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." Take care of
the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students
and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a
glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is,
there is always room for a BEER.

The Hospital Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in
for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But
she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not
'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the
bill to my brother-in-law." 

in those days...

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.


And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.


Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.


In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar. 

A little boy was attending his first wedding , after the service , his young cousin asked him , '' how many woman can a man marry ? '' '' Sixteen '' the boy responded . his cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly . '' how do you know that '' '' easy '' the little boy said , '' all you have to do is add it up , like the preacher said : four better , four worse , four richer , four poorer '' 

While driving in Pennsylvania

a family followed an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

Captain Cardiac Reigns...

Well the BP well in the gulf is temporarily plugged.  I hope it holds.  What is really scary is that the large weight of the cap plus the internal pressure of the oil could rupture the pipe.  That kind of a structural failure could be worse that what we had, as there isn't a "defined" way to plug that.


Also, do we have a mini-Toyota-ism going on with Apple ?  Did they really know about the antenna issue long before the phones were shipped to customers ?  I believe that they will recall them, but they have to have a solution ready and shipped to the the AT&T stores before they opt for a swap.

Tonight we are going to see Captain Cardiac and the Coronaries at Chase Palm Park.  I imagine that it will be hot and very crowded, but nonetheless, fun.

Tori and Aidan are going to Red Rock to swim, in spite of the extremely high temperatures there (probably 105).

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count
test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and
return the next day with a sample.

The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty
as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my
wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her
left... still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, both with
and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the
lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but _still_ nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S SECRET

ARMSTRONG'S SECRET, GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia, it might make you chuckle when you read it.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOODLUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.  "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

DMV

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

A RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE.   

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put  him up there to begin with'.

Tumbling Paradigms...

BLOWN AWAY:  For those of you that have ever watched "America's Got Talent" and remember the judges.  Can you even imagine that Piers Morgan is up for Larry King's old job with an interview show on CNN ?  Larry King's interviews are built on the trust of Larry from the person being interviewed.  Can they get that from Piers Morgan given that he frequently comes across as asinine on TV?

BLOWN AWAY AGAIN:  So the state is considering making Neverland a state park.  We can't balance our budget.  We want state employees to work for minimum hourly wage.  Every community is stretching the tax dollars as best they can.  They want the state's tax coffers to cover rehabilitation and maintenance and operation of this eyesore as a park ?  I am blown away with the gubmint's incomparable and idiotic stupidity.

Notice how many, many paradigms of our everyday life are tumbling:  Some examples might include going from analog to digital TV, the beginning of the shift away from gasoline powered cars,  and manufacturing in the US shifting to other countries (i.e. China).  Ones that occurred in the past, going from being hunter-gatherers to purchasing food and meats from suppliers.  We have been depending on the cheaper labor from underdeveloped counties (i.e. Mexico...) which is beginning to wane.  We will have to find some other way to accomplish the same work (i.e. automation).   

Remember when milk was delivered  to each house?  
Remember how every gas station had someone to check your oil, tires and wipe your windows ?
Remember when doctors made house calls ?
Remember when you could trust a politician ? A banker ?  A stock broker ?  A real estate agent ?
Remember when steel was made in the US ?
Remember when you'd miss a call if you weren't home to get it on your family's phone ?
Remember when stores gave out trading stamps that could be redeemed for small appliances  ?
. . .

There's probably a lot more, but I've been conditioned to believe it was PROGRESS, so I may not have noticed.

Casual Fridays..

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately. 

Pilot wisdom

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. ---From an old carrier sailor

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", and "Where are we?"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules. Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."  


 

Much More of the Same...

Is this the first day of Summer ?  It sure looks like it.  An absolutely gorgeous morning so far.  (My taxes at work!).

I read that the there is a shortage of good news.  The newspapers and websites are clogged with only bad news.  On top of that, doesn't it seem like there is more bad news this year that usually ?   I know that I'm ready for some good news.  It always appears to be overshadowed, though.  Sports have been a source of good news, depending on your perspective of course.  Elections have been a good source as well, but definitely that one is short lived.


Doesn't it seem as though we have so many sources for data, and so many people are connected, that any bad news grows so quickly.  Perhaps it is better that we don't all know all the news all the time as soon as it happens.  Perhaps it is better to have a vacation from newspapers and the internet occasionally.

Ever wonder what a group of each animal is called ?
Antelope:        A herd of antelope
Ant:             A colony or An army of ants
Ape:             A shrewdness of apes
Baboons:         A troop of baboons
Bacteria:        A culture of bacteria
Badger:          A cete of badgers
Bass:            A shoal of bass
Bear:            A sleuth or sloth of bears
Beaver:          A colony of beavers
Bee:             A swarm, grist or hive of bees
Bird:            A flock, flight, congregation or volery of birds
Boar:            A sounder of boars
Buffalo:         A herd of buffalo
Buck:            A brace or clash of bucks
Caterpillar:     An army of caterpillars
Cat:             A clowder or clutter of cats
Cattle:          A herd or drove of cattle
Chicken:         A brood or peep of chickens
Chicks:          A clutch or chattering of chicks
Clam:            A bed of clams
Cobra:           A quiver of cobras
Cockroach:       An intrusion of cockroaches
Colt:            A rag of colts
Cow:             A kine of cows (twelve cows are A flink)
Coyote:          A band of coyote
Crane:           A sedge or siege of cranes
Crocodile:       A float of crocodiles
Crow:            A murder of crows
Cub:             A litter of cubs
Curlew:          A herd of curlews
Cur:             A cowardice of curs
Deer:            A herd of deer
Dog:             A pack of dogs
Donkey:          A herd or pace of asses
Dove:            A dule of doves
Duck:            A brace, paddling or team of ducks
Elephant:        A herd of elephants
Seal:            A pod of elephant seals
Elk:             A gang of elks
Emus:            A mob of emus
Ferret:          A business or flensing of ferrets
Finches:         A charm of finches
Fish:            A school, shoal, run, haul, catch of fish
Fly:             A swarm or business of flies
Fox:             A skulk or leash of foxes
Frog:            An army or colony of frogs
Geese:           A flock, gaggle or skein (in flight) of geese
Giraffe:         A tower of giraffes/giraffe
Gnat:            A cloud or horde of gnats
Goat:            A herd, tribe or trip of goats
Goldfince:       A charm of goldfinches
Gorilla:         A band of gorillas
Goldfish:        A troubling of goldfish/goldfishes
Greyhound:       A leash of greyhounds
Hare:            A down or husk of hares
Hawk:            A cast or kettle of hawks
Hen:             A brood of hens
Heron:           A hedge of herons
Hippopotamus:    A bloat of hippopotamuses /hippopotami
Hog:             A drift, or parcel of hogs
Horse:           A team, pair or harras of horses
Hound:           A pack, mute or cry of hounds
Jellyfish:       A smack of jellyfish
Kangaroo:        A troop or mob of kangaroos
Kitten:          A kindle or litter of kittens
Lark:            An ascension or exaultation of larks
Leopard:         A leap (leep) of leopards
Lion:            A pride of lions
Locust:          A plague of locusts
Magpie:          A tiding of magpies
Mallard:         A sord of mallards
Mare:            A stud of mares
Marten:          A richness of martens
Mole:            A labour of moles
Monkey:          A troop of monkeys
Moose:           A herd of moose
Mouse:           A mischief of mice
Mule:            A barren or span of mules
Owls:            A parliament of owls
Otter:           A romp of otters
Oxen:            A yoke, drove, team or herd of oxen
Oyster:          A bed of oysters
Parrot:          A company of parrots
Partridge:       A covey of partridges
Peacock:         A muster, pride or ostentation of peacocks
Peep:            A litter of peeps
Penguin:         A colony,parcel or huddle of penguins
Pheasant:        A nest, nide (nye) or bouquet of pheasants
Pigeon:          A flock or flight of pigeons
Pig:             A litter of pigs
Plover:          A wing or congregation of plovers
Pony:            A string of ponies
Porpoise:        A pod of porpoises
Quail:           A covey or bevy of quail
Rabbit:          A nest of rabbits
Rat:             A pack or swarm of rats
Rattlesnake:     A rhumba of rattlesnakes
Raven:           An unkindness of ravens
Rhino:           A crash or herd of rhinos
Roebuck:         A bevy of roebucks
Rook:            A building or clamour of rooks
Seal:            A herd or pod of seals
Sheep:           A drove or flock of sheep
Snake:           A nest of snakes
Snipe:           A walk or wisp of snipe
Sparrow:         A host of sparrows
Squirrel:        A dray or scurry of squirrels
Starling:        A murmuration of starlings
Stork:           A mustering of storks
Swallow:         A flight of swallows
Swan:            A bevy, herd, lamentation or wedge of swans
Swift:           A flock of swifts
Swine:           A sounder or drift of swine
Teal:            A spring of teal
Tiger:           A swift or ambush of tigers
Toad:            A knot of toads
Trout:           A hover of trout
Turkey:          A rafter of turkeys
Turtledove:      A pitying or dule of turtledoves
Turtle:          A bale of turtles
Walrus:          A pod of walrus
Whale:           A school, gam or pod of whales
Viper:           A nest of vipers
Wolf:            A pack or route of wolves
Woodcock:        A fall of woodcocks
Woodpecker:      A descent of woodpeckers
Zebra:           A herd,zeal or dazzle of zebras

Mommy Dearest!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?

Just wondering

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

Rectum Wins

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole! 

Bobbing For Pig's Feet....

Run-Don't Walk:  The 14th Annual Redneck Summer Games are currently running.  Where else can you wrestle in mud, bob for pig's feet, play horseshoes with toilet seats, serenade with armpit noises,  and drink yourself into oblivion while floating in the river.  The big question in everyone's mind is....  Is this a family reunion ? ?


Hard to get moving this morning.  I think I need more sleep than I'm getting....

Every time I say that is was a weird day at work, I feel weird saying so. It is like all focus of management is on other tasks that I'm not involved with.

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for
a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the
drink she says,  "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's
today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's
on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I'd like to buy you a drink for your birthday too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with
two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I'd like to
buy you one too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch
with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, by the time you're my age you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole
different story."

Two guys from New York City were in heaven for about a year. One was a preacher, the other a taxi driver. One day the Lord was making his rounds when the preacher asked Him if He had a minute.

"Sure" said the Lord. What's the problem?"

"Well" said the former parson, "I'm not very happy here in heaven"

"Why not?" asked the Lord.

"Well, I don't like to complain Sir but that taxi driver is getting better treatment than me and I don't think that's right since I preached your word on earth very faithfully for 52 years"

"Well son," said the Lord, "truth is, when you were doing your work, most folks were sleeping.
But you know when that man did his job, they were praying!" 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni"
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer

Bozo ?

Most bizarre:  This morning about 9:30, we were bombarded with thunder and lightning!  I had no idea that a thunderstorm was approaching.  This is July ?  I thought is was strange that we got some raindrops yesterday as well.  Now it is warming up and the skies are getting blue- who can figure ?


So BP is putting on a tighter cap ?  Where was it the first time ?  Why are they so ill prepared ?


Congratulations to Spain on winning the World Cup!

Bozo the Clown. Do we really need "the Clown"? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope? - Jerry Seinfeld

 
An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" 

More You Might Be A Redneck If...

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've been too drunk to fish. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!" You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is! Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?". Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!". You can belch and say your name at the same time. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

Getting old

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Just Beautiful in Ojai

Going to Ojai today to visit the sun and get some great Italian food at Osteria Monte Grappa.  I guess the weather fooled me again, as it is just before 11:00 and the sun is out in force here at home.  I was just getting tired of the continuous gray-ness.  This is not the norm for this time of year.  I have to admit that it is more welcome than the triple-digit heat in the East, though.

I finished reading "The Lost Symbol" last night.  I have to say that I enjoyed it tremendously, almost as much as "The DaVinci Code". There were many plot twists, but both Terre and myself both figured out the biggest eventual twist in the plot, long before it happened.  Maybe that is good, or maybe it is bad that we figured it out before it happened.


Monte Grappa was fantastic.  I would highly recommend it.  Afterwards we went to see the "Last Airbender" in 3D.  We were all disappointed.  The plot needed work, as did the acting, dialogue and casting.  It was a mess.

What in the world were you doing

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts

Women with big breasts…
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…
..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "

Finally...Friday....

Today couldn't have gone by fast enough for me.  I'm going to pass on any comments today, so that I don't paint myself into a corner.

 

A distraught senior citizen

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!  

Hammer time

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You son of a bitch!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"