Bozo ?

Most bizarre:  This morning about 9:30, we were bombarded with thunder and lightning!  I had no idea that a thunderstorm was approaching.  This is July ?  I thought is was strange that we got some raindrops yesterday as well.  Now it is warming up and the skies are getting blue- who can figure ?


So BP is putting on a tighter cap ?  Where was it the first time ?  Why are they so ill prepared ?


Congratulations to Spain on winning the World Cup!

Bozo the Clown. Do we really need "the Clown"? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope? - Jerry Seinfeld

 
An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" 

More You Might Be A Redneck If...

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've been too drunk to fish. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!" You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is! Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?". Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!". You can belch and say your name at the same time. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

Getting old

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Just Beautiful in Ojai

Going to Ojai today to visit the sun and get some great Italian food at Osteria Monte Grappa.  I guess the weather fooled me again, as it is just before 11:00 and the sun is out in force here at home.  I was just getting tired of the continuous gray-ness.  This is not the norm for this time of year.  I have to admit that it is more welcome than the triple-digit heat in the East, though.

I finished reading "The Lost Symbol" last night.  I have to say that I enjoyed it tremendously, almost as much as "The DaVinci Code". There were many plot twists, but both Terre and myself both figured out the biggest eventual twist in the plot, long before it happened.  Maybe that is good, or maybe it is bad that we figured it out before it happened.


Monte Grappa was fantastic.  I would highly recommend it.  Afterwards we went to see the "Last Airbender" in 3D.  We were all disappointed.  The plot needed work, as did the acting, dialogue and casting.  It was a mess.

What in the world were you doing

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts

Women with big breasts…
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…
..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "

Finally...Friday....

Today couldn't have gone by fast enough for me.  I'm going to pass on any comments today, so that I don't paint myself into a corner.

 

A distraught senior citizen

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!  

Hammer time

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You son of a bitch!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

 

Almost Friday, but Not Quite....

Is Facebook addictive ?  Read this and come to your own conclusion.

You think the Russian spies will be punished for their failures when they return home ?  I feel sorry for their kids.  First, to find out that your parents are spies, and then to find out that you have to go live in Russia, learn Russian and go to Russian schools...(oh shit). 




Guess that poor woman in Iran is going to get stoned to death for adultery.  Apparently, nothing is done to the guy, even if he's married.  Nice place!

What does a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?

No matter what, somebody's losing trailer

I know everyone . . .

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'

'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave? 

The Blonde Painter

A blonde is hired by the highway department to perform basic labor. On her first day the foreman tells her that her job is to paint the lines that divide the lanes of a highway.

On her first day, the blonde paints four miles of lines! The foreman thinks this is fantastic!

On her second day the blonde only manages to paint 3 miles of dividing lines. The foreman thinks this is not as good as her first day, but still very acceptable.

On her third day, the blonde only manages to paint a mile and a half. The foreman is becoming concerned.

On her fourth day the blonde only completes a meager half mile. So the foreman calls her into his office and talks about his concerns.

He says “On your first day you knocked out four miles without a problem but after 4 days you on managed a half mile! What seems to be the problem?”

The blonde looks at him and says “Well, on the first day the bucket of paint wasn’t so far away”.

The Little Old Lady

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Happy Birthday!

This should be a fun evening, celebrating Terre's birthday.  I hope she likes her presents.... 

A fellow at work is about to turn fifty and he is wondering whether he should have a midlife crisis or not.  I tried to explain to him that that isn't something that you decide- it just happens or not.  I suggested he work on a Bucket List to see if he really needed a crisis or not.

We try to avoid thinking about our eventual demise.  Creating a bucket list helps to put your life and its accomplishments (or lack of) in perspective. 

I have a petty resentment (nah!).  Have you noticed lately that websites WANT you go be their friend (or "like them") on Facebook?  I have clicked on numerous links lately, like to get coupons, and they want me to get on Facebook to get them. I just refuse.  I got a Facebook account to check out my daughter's page.  The damned thing is a time sucker.  Everyone spends HOURS updating their page and looking at everybody else's.  WHatever happened to privacy ?  In the first week, I got almost fifty freind requests.  Most of them were from friends of friends of friends of friends of people I don't want to talk to anymore, or never did.  What an affront!  Not only on privacy (currently numerous suits against Facebook for revealing information), but also on generating guilt!  What will people (my fiends) think if my page is lacking this or that ?  What if I don't accept this louse for a friend?  What will he think, or his friends think ?   PUH-LEASZ!!

On A Recent Tonight Show with Jay Leno

• The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down.
• Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she’s trying to help them recruit LeBron James.
• Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.
• Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow
noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't
need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice
your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water
and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it.
You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it
sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it
easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the
trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you
going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the
darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it
back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball,
the friend asks,

"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business
was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he
owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of
tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to
do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down
to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's
edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the
open Bible will come to rest on a page.  Look down at the page
and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought
his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-
tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The
businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his
pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his
advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as
I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Two Tough Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
Were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?


Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
Occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.



Which of these candidates would be our choice?



Decide first... No peeking, then scroll down for the response.





Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.





And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.





Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Middle Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Middle Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'  

Back to the grind...

A friend of mine was expressing some dismay at going in for his first colonoscopy.  It reminded be of a hilarious  column by Dave Barry on the subject.

This is weird:  Apparently, there is a 70's board game which contains similar scenarios as today's oil spill!  How strange is that!!



Kudos to the judge that sent Lindsay Lohan to jail for ninety days.  It is well overdue for celebrities to live within the law's constraints.  Hopefully it will make her a better person and clean up her act for good.

FUNNY PHOBIAS:
• Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing

• Aerophobia- Fear of swallowing air

• Anablephobia- Fear of looking up

• Anemophobia- Fear of wind

• Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers

• Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern Lights

• Barophobia- Fear of gravity

• Basophobia- Fear of walking

• Blennophobia- Fear of slime

• Bogyphobia- Fear of the bogeyman

• Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting

• Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors

• Chaetophobia- Fear of hair

• Chionophobia- Fear of snow

• Chromatophobia- Fear of colors

• Chronophobia- Fear of time

• Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks

• Cibophobia- Fear of food

• Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed

• Dendrophobia- Fear of trees

• Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body

• Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom

• Eosophobia- Fear of daylight

• Ereuthophobia- Fear of the color red

• Geliophobia- Fear of laughter

• Geniophobia- Fear of chins

• Genuphobia- Fear of knees

• Geumaphobia- Fear of taste

• Heliophobia- Fear of the sun

• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words

• Homichlophobia- Fear of fog

• Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep

• Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish

• Ideophobia- Fear of ideas

• Kainophobia- Fear of anything new

• Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down

• Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables

• Leukophobia- Fear of the color white

• Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body

• Linonophobia- Fear of string

• Logophobia- Fear of words

• Melanophobia- Fear of the color black

• Melophobia- Fear of music

• Metrophobia- Fear of poetry

• Mnemophobia- Fear of memories

• Octophobia- Fear of the number 8

• Ommetaphobia- Fear of eyes

• Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams

• Ophthalmophobia- Fear of opening one’s eyes

• Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish

• Panophobia- Fear of everything

• Papyrophobia- Fear of paper

• Peladophobia- Fear of bald people

• Photophobia- Fear of light

• Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking

• Pogonophobia- Fear of beards

• Sciophobia- Fear of shadows

• Selenophobia- Fear of the moon

• Siderophobia- Fear of stars

• Sitophobia- Fear of food

• Sophophobia- Fear of learning

• Stasibasiphobia- Fear of walking

• Trichopathophobia- Fear of hair

Things to learn before I die
1 - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2 - If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3 - There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4 - People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5 - You should not confuse your career with your life.

6 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7 - Never lick a steak knife.

8 - The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9 - You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10 - You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11 - There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12 - The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13 - A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14 - Your friends love you anyway.

15 - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16 - Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the c*** (not the best) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

17 - A husband will never get the last word in an argument, due to the fact that anything he says is actually the start of an entirely new argument!

18 - Phrases to live by "Please, Thank you, and YES DEAR!"

19 - I believe in equality and women's lib......but instead of changing postman to post person, how about tackling........menstruation, mental illness, menopause, etc......it seems to me that we are picking only the nice ones to change!

A Lay-Back And Recharge Kind of Day...

The BBQ was very good, great food and great people.  It was so nice that the sun came out just as it began.  We went to Girsch Park afterward for the fireworks display.  It somehow always manages to outdo the previous year!

Had a bit of necessary shopping to do today, but otherwise cleaned up after the party and began reading "The Lost Symbol"  So far, so good.

Back to the grind in the morning...



Read a cute story about Upselling.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.
The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
"Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?
This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....
My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.
I placed the following phone call to the bank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"
Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )
Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.

***** Happy 4th *****

It seems very anticlimactic for a holiday.  The skies are gray with a thick marine-layer of fog.  If it doesn't clear by tonight, the fireworks will appear as just pink fog.  Having a BBQ today and everyone will be sitting outside with their sweaters on. 

I still want to know what happens if BP declares bankruptcy.  I can't imagine them not doing so, and how will Obama's gubmint react ?

In the ultimate case of stolen identities, how many more spies are living quietly in the US with someone else's identity, perhaps a dead person ?  It would seem that a scan and correlation of records via computer would drum up some extra cases for evaluation....


Some thoughts on Independence Day by Ben Stein.

Everyone have a great day....

 

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . . Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21 Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life. 

Almost There...

Way too much shopping today for tomorrow's bash.  I'm ready to lay back and put my feet up.



We get away with naming our baby just about anything we want (i.e. "Dweezil" or "LaShimba"), but in some countries the gubmint is telling you what you can and can't name your baby:  (see Baby Dumpling ).  It seems like a small freedom for new parents to make their baby PAY FOR THEIR WHOLE LIFE by giving them an unreasonable moniker.

We went to see "Knight and Day" tonight.  I would give it a B-.  Lots of action, but a few loose ends that make you wonder how they could leave that information out...

Stump and Mahtha

So it's time for the annual Skowhegan Fair again, and Stumpy and Martha are having their same old fight as they drive down from Bangor.

"Mahtha, we ain't gettin an younga', and by gawd I'm gonna ride that airplane ride this yeah." Says Stumpy.

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollahs. And ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

Stumpy says "By gawd I don't care!"

"Ten dollahs is ten dollahs..."

Stumpy, undeterred, drives right down to the airfield, where the pilot hears their arguing, "TEN DOLLAHS IS TEN DOLLAHS!"

He walks over and says "Folks, I tell you what. I'll give you the ride for FREE; but no talking... NOT a SOUND!! It's yours for free."

Stumpy and Martha agree, strap in, and the pilot proceeds to loop-d-loop, bank turn, climb, and dive at full throttle.

As he comes in to land he looks at Stumpy in the rearview, "THAT was incredible, all that and not a word from either of you!"

Stumps unbuckling his seatbelt, says, "Well, I ahlmost said somethin' when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs..." 

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants."  - Lewis Black

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff." - George Carlin

You would be a redneck if:
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

Finally...

A much better day today.  Friday's are like that, especially just before a three day weekend.  The week has been "much ado about nothing" and it wasn't until Friday afternoon that a clear path was revealed.


The weekend plans are coming together, with preparations tomorrow for a celebratory get together on Sunday followed by the fireworks at Girsch Park.  Monday shall be a day of rest and relaxation (fat chance).

Awarded Worst First Sentence of a Novel

The Bulwer-Lytton award is given annually for the worst first sentence of a novel. Contestants craft deliberately bad opening lines. Molly Ringle took the 2010 prize with this gem:


"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss — a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil."

POEM - Illegal Immigrants

 
I cross river,
 poor and broke,

Take bus,
 see employment folk.

Nice man
 treat me good in there,
 Say I need
 go see Welfare.

Welfare say,
 'You come no more,

We send cash
 right to your door.'

Welfare checks,
 they make you wealthy,

Medicaid
 it keep you healthy!

By and by,
 Got plenty money,

Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends
 in motherland,

Tell them
 'come, fast as you can'

They come in buses
 and Ford trucks,

I buy big house
 with welfare bucks.

They come here,
 we live together,

More welfare checks,
 it gets better!

Fourteen families,
 they moving in,

But neighbor's patience
 wearing thin.

Finally, white guy
 moves away,
..
I buy his house,
 and then I say,

'Find more aliens
 for house to rent.'

In my yard
 I put a tent.

Send for family
 they just trash,
...
But they, too,
 draw welfare cash!

Everything is
 very good,
 Soon we own
 whole neighborhood.

We have hobby
 it called breeding,

Welfare pay
 for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
 Wife need pills?

We get free!
 We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy!
 He pay all year,
 To keep welfare
 running here.

We think America
darn good place!
 Too darn good
 for white man race.

 If they no like us,
 they can go,
 Got lots of room
 in Mexico. 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone,
talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly,
"they found a doctor on the second hole and
he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?"
she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."