Nonfocusable Friday....

Watched "Taking Woodstock" last evening.  It was a very well done retrospect on how the whole Woodstock  event came to be.  It might even be based on reality.  For what ever it is worth, it did allow revisiting a part of my past and the culture that we all experienced even if we weren't there.  In many ways, it was very funny as well.

Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice Parade downtown.  They usually have all the floats end up at a park for further viewing.  Also there are bands playing and vendor booths, et cetera.  This year the park is open today as well as tomorrow.  I suspect that the city permits for two-days are more expensive than one, so the city probably decided that it wouldn't cost them any more to require that every vendor... buy the two day permit.  At any rate, we are going down there after work today, hoping to see something without dealing with the crowds.  I'm sure it will be interesting.

Well when I got home, Terre said she was really tired, and I admitted that I had trouble focusing all day because I was tired.  I was just going because she wanted to.  So, essentially, we are not going.  She is going to the parade tomorrow, and then to the park afterward.


Confusing isn't it.  Tori and Aidan are cooking us dinner tonight (wow!) instead. So the level of interest is still there.

Not the way I remember them:

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

 

Always give 100% at work

12% on Mondays. 23% on Tuesdays. 40% on Wednesdays. 20% on Thursdays. 5% on Fridays. And remember...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off. Remember it takes 42 to muscles to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your middle finger and flip them off. Now get back to work.

BP announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to assist in clean-up efforts. Thibodeaux, Boudreaux, and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could. So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

This one wasn't much better...

Seven hours of software deployment on thirty test stations is enough to make you pull your hair out.  Three of us rotate though the stations, first uninstalling old software and then installing new and then checking the the other person did it all correctly.  This, of course, is done with a static safe lab coat and safety glasses.  That makes me "six eyes", and most probably what gives me a headache.

Well I have to admit, the whole McChrystal affair was definitely handled correctly.  One cannot sass your leader, even if he hadn't served in the military.  What I don't understand is why anyone allows embedded reporters or why a magazine is allowed to publish an interview without the interviewee's approval first.  This episode should be a learning experience for anyone else in the military or politics.  For sure, you don't say anything or email anything that you wouldn't want published worldwide. 

"The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered: "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"... Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife thetime and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain, private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.,

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).,

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ........... and then there are educators

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

One of those days....

Ever have one of those days when no matter what you do, someone doesn't like it ? While I feel that I made necessary progress on many tasks, some people are never happy!

Funny, even though the Vette has been advertised for sale for over a month, and there has been lot's of interest, the first person to come and view it is coming next Saturday.  I hope that he is really interested and is not wasting my time. We shall see...

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives.

The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would be a good pee. I
just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me would be a good bowel
movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and it's still a problem."

The 90 year old man said, "Heck, every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp I have a good pee, and
at 6:30 a.m. sharp I have a good bowel movement. I suppose the best thing that could happen to me would be waking up before 7:00 a.m."

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they're just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

A black guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said " You know I just hate drawin welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, he'll supply all of your cloths. Because the hours are long, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas trips and you have to satisfy all of her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a 2 bedroom apartment above the garage. Starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy wide-eyed, said,"Your bullshittin' me!"

The social worker replied,"You started it."

Gotchas-R- Us...

A strange day today.  We did some major reconguration at work and paid for it with gotchas all day.

Well I don't have much to say today.  There wasn't much that happened that was funny.  I did hear that the three millionth iPad has been sold and it has forced a price war with the competitors.  I've told you all that most people want more from their reader than just the capability to read books that they are forced to buy from Amazon, or any other single vendor.  They also want their reader to do more: web surf, email, et cetera.  I believe that the iPad does most of that, but still forces me to get my books from iBooks.  If a company REALLY wants the monopoly on my book source, they will have to give me the reader for free. 
This, historically, has not worked.  Remember Polaroid?  Not only were the cameras expensive, but so was the film.  To be successful in a linked marketplace like that, Polaroid should have given the cameras away, thereby creating a market for its film.  Printers should be free, as well.  Those companies make more than enough on the ink we are forced to buy at extravagant prices. 
I think the iPad is successful for a number of reasons: 1) some people will break down doors to get at the newest Apple product, no matter what it is.&  2) They already have the infrastructure to support it with music and books.  Just what will they do if they lose Mr. Jobs.  You see, he tells Apple to make what he wants the public to NEED.  They do.  All the other manufacturers make products that we might need, we might want, but ultimately we can live without.





   

$50 lesson - for free
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,  "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' ... Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal."  I told her,   "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' ......... Her parents still aren't speaking to me!

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of  fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05?  I gotta use the little boys' room."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!!  ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

Two blondes were flying

to New York from San Francisco. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer.
But don't worry we have three engines left and can continue safely with that."

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left."

An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left."

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "Do you know what will happen if that last engine fails?"

"Yes!" said the other Blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"

Doctor Demento Memories

You know how sometimes a thought flies through your mind... and you haven't thought about it for a long time....and it was really funny then.... I remembered KCPR radio in 1972 while I was an undergraduate at Cal Poly.  I think they played this song eight or ten times a day.  It is utterly amazing what you can find on the internet.  I think this was from Doctor Demento.  Anyway, I found the lyrics...

Do you like boobs a lot?
(Yes, I like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Really like boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Down in the locker room,
Just we boys,
Beatin' down the locker room
With all that noise,

Singin' do you like boobs a lot?
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Do you wear your jock a lot?
(Yes, I wear my jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(Got to wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

'Cause, down on the football,
Football field,
You never can tell
What a heel can wield,

So you gotta wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

If I had a flag-a-long,
(If I had a flag-a-long.)
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If you like boobs a lot, tag along

Bee beep, bop, de boob a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

They're big and round,
They're all around.
They're big and round,
They're all around.

(MUSICAL BREAK)

Do you like boobs a lot?
(Yes, I like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Do you like boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Down in the locker room,
Just we boys,
Beatin' down the locker room
With all that noise,

Singin' do you like boobs a lot?
(Yes I like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Do you wear your jock a lot?
(Yes, I wear my jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

'Cause, down on the football,
Football field,
You never can tell
What a heel can wield,

So you gotta wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

If I had a flag-a-long,
(If I had a flag-a-long.)
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If you like boobs a lot, tag along

Bee beep, bop, de boob a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

They're big and round,
They're all around.
They're big and round,
They're all around.

Funny how that came to mind...

I went to the dentist his morning to get the molar fixed that I broke about a month ago. My face was fine until the Novocaine wore off. Then it felt like I got hit in the face with a brick. Half my head has an ache....

A Guy's Steamy Sex Story
I met this beautiful girl last night.
She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest
steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more
like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me
back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came
very close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well,
actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well,
really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got
very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But
it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed
into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.
Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you
see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the
wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of
course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the
street...leaning against the building.

But wow! What a night. What a night.

It's just before England v France at the Millennium Stadium, an
important European Championship qualifier game. David Beckham
goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates
looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We
know it's important but it's only France. They're sh*t and we
can't be bothered"

Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these
guys by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest
of the England team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get
the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the
screen reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)" He is
beating France all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Millennium Stadium :
England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with
his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!!!!"

Happy Father's Day

Didn't have time to put together an entry yesterday, since we were very busy.  I got taken to breakfast at Ellen's in Buellton and then to Pismo Beach for the biggest annual car show around here.  The claim was 1000 cars on display.  I have to admit, I've never seen so many people and so many cars in so small an area.  I made it difficult to spend much time around any particular ones, because of the hampering crowd.  It was pretty nice weather, though, when you could get out of the wind.  

After a few hours, we went to Avila Beach.  I haven't been there since the seventies.  Sometime ago, Chevron was tasked with cleaning up the affluent that they let get into the water table, so they had to remove all the sand from the beach and replace the building in the town.  Granted, it isn't very big, but that was a monumental task.  The place is very pretty now and very modern.

Just up the road a piece is the Avila Valley Barn.  Here is a farm setting that included fruits, vegetables, petting zoo, bakery, gift store, deli & ice cream store.  It was a very nice place to stop and we got a lot of great eats.


Meanwhile, today is a bit more relaxed and I have some time to devote to some of the things I've been meaning to do, but haven't had time.

Sent by someone who likes their dog as much as we like ours.

Here is an actual-factual, non-bullshit story that happened at my house yesterday. It also happens to be the funniest thing that has ever happened in the entire history of Earth.

A neighbor lady stopped by our house yesterday while she was out for her walk. I heard wifey blabbing with her on our front porch. Then suddenly I heard all kinds of wild yelling and screaming and then I saw a small blurry thing streak back and forth across our living room a couple times with wifey in hot pursuit of the high velocity object.

Here's what happened:

We have a crazy little doggy. A seven year old, five pound male yorkie who thinks he can kill and or screw anybody he wants to, whenever he feels like it. Even though he's cute as can be, he still bites me every single day. This little guy is straight up ornery but we love him to death anyways.

Anyways, the neighbor lady thinks he's cute too and always lets him kiss on her whenever she stops by. So yesterday as she was blabbin with wifey on the porch, she bent down to let our doggy cop a couple smoochies and what did he do? He stabbed his prehensile tongue into her mouth and her top dentures came loose and that little sum-bitch clamped onto them and bolted into the house with his prize hangin out both sides of his mouth.

He was haulin so much ass that I could hear his little toenails rippin the carpet as he whizzed by. It was like he had a stuck wide open throttle and his asshair was on fire. 

The lady was screechin her fekkin lungs out and so was wifey. After a wild chase, wifey finally cought the little bandit and as hard as it was to catch him, it was even harder to get the dang dentures out of his mouth. He hella didn't want to give them up and he was growlin like crazy. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with yorkies, thier teeth are very sharp and taking something out of thier mouths against thier will is like reaching into a tiny bear trap made of razor blades.

Eventually the wild screams quieted down, the missing chompers were returned to their rightful owner and the thief was sentenced to his playpen/jail for a while.

The next wave of obnoxious sounds that the neighborhood got to suffer was the three of us laffin our fekkin asses off as each of us retold the story from our three different perspectives.

We laffed so much and so hard that my cheeks and ribbs were sore.

I wish I would have had the camera ready because this post doesn't even begin to explain what a sidesplitter this whole scene was.

I just hope I have told this story well enough that all y'alls can at least begin to picture it, because if I have, you should be laffin your heads off right now. 

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish
English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of
the move say the city's School District is the first in the state
to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant
attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York
University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure
of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language
patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any
question is usually another question plus a complaint that is
implied or stated.

Thus:
"How are you?" may be answered,
"How should I be, with my feet?"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism.

An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the
beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to
the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end
of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as:
"He's slow as a turtle," could be:
"Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
Switched-On-Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the
'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the
other ties I gave you?

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Advice for Husbands About Aging Wives
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger.  When men notice
this, they should try not to yell.  Let me relate how I handle
the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need.  She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get
home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper.  I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time.  I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be.  I just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating.  It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement.  When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and
not get tired.  Now that she is older she seems to get tired so
much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps.  I don't make a big issue of this.  As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook it.  Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to
do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish as a more leisurely pace.  Nancy is
starting to complain a little occasionally.  Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour.  In spite of her complaining, I continue
to try to offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take.  A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking.  In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs
these little extra rest breaks.  I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while.  I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by
the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis.  I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it
difficult.  Some will find it impossible.  No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.  My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort.  I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average
man.   However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation

Nope For All...

For those of you that have been disappointed in Obama's performance as of late, the latest bumper sticker:

That was some comeback for the Lakers last evening.  As I predicted, it appears as though there was some effort to force seven games of play- certainly for the money that it brought both clubs.  The seventh game though, with the exception of very poor to nonexistent foul calls, appeared to be the REAL thing- with both teams struggling to gain and keep a small lead.  It REALLY only shows how evenly matched the teams are, that they managed to keep the score so close throughout the game.

Locally, it is extremely difficult to imagine that Chief Prosecutor Josh Lynn was fired by the acting DA just after losing the elections to Joyce Dudley.  I smell a suit brewing.  We shall all find out the truth (I hope) then.

  

THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker attending college in Rogers Arkansas who was responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks attending college in Arkansas , had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition

'Fourth', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.

'And last,' Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

Two Siamese Twins walk into a bar

and the bartender knows them, and after serving the beers asks them where they are going on vacation.
Syd replies that they are going to London like they do every year. The bartender replies, "Every year?"
Syd replies, "It the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

A New Wine For Seniors
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More

A Child's View of Retirement
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

   

By Any Other Name
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques; visualization, association... it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Don't Mess With Old People
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!  

   

Life with Max....

Life with Max:  When it comes to other dogs, Max is a "Huffer and Puffer".  He gets all worked up as a posturing, until the other dog allows some sniffing- then usually everything is okay.  Last evening Terre and I were taking a walk with Max and I noticed a dog across the street.  It was a HUGE pitbull- at least as high as my waist.  Two guys were sitting in a garage drinking beers and the dog was sitting with them.

Before I could tell what was going on, Max and I were behind a parked car and the dog was bounding across the street directly at Terre, who by this time was in front of the parked car.  The dog had its leash blowing in the wind.  By now, its owner was running after him.  The dog rounded Terre and headed straight for Max.  Max was quiet, very quiet.  In one sweeping motion, I picked up Max and held him over my head and turned, while the pitbull clicked his jaw, dislodging it for the kill bite, and began snapping at Max while his front paws were on my chest.  Luckily he didn't knock me down or bite me in my neck, or I would be laying on the ground bleeding and Max would literally be a memory.  Terre was in shock and disbelief, not knowing exactly what to do.  Just then the owner arrived and pulled the dog down by the leash, apologizing all the way.

This whole episode happened in slow motion while probably only a few seconds in total.  Luckily, Max had already done is "binness" prior, or I'd be literally wearing it.  Our hearts were racing, as we three made good our speedy escape around the corner.  Max was still very, very quiet.

Why do people (might be an exaggeration, in this case) have dogs that are so aggressive that you cannot walk down the other side of the street without being attacked?  I don't know if this dog was trained to be this way or just has the "correct" gene to flip-out at the drop of a hat, or what.  

We will, consequently, avoid that particular part of the neighborhood.  Here is a case where having pepper spray or mace would certainly help, but who really had time to use it.  If we had it, Max would still be the "blue-plate special on the main dinner menu".  If the dog had attacked one of us, who would be strong enough to get him off? These people and organizations that strive to protect certain aggressive breeds of dogs should be put in the situation where they are being attacked before they try to preserve these killer's rights and the lowlifes that own them and propagate their aggressive behavior. 

Check this out Breed Bias or Safety Question


Was (is) BP's CEO "stonewalling" ? Check out a great informative article on BP:
 BP is a Corporate Criminal

 

You Might Be a Redneck If:

You view your upcoming family reunion as a good opportunity to meet girls.

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - especially fanatics
intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to
racially profile people. They will continue random searches of
80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper
identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the
President's security detail and 85-year old Congressional Medal
of Honor Recipients.

==============================================

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.
==============================================

In the 1973 Olympics in Munich, 11 Israeli Athletes were
massacred by:
(a) Bill O'Reilly
(b) Elvis;
(c) Ozzie & Harriet;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Oslo;
(b) Ronald Reagan;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a
grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist
requirement in basic training;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In 1985, the Italian cruise ship, Achille Lauro, was hijacked by:
(a) The religious Right;
(b) The Tooth Fairy:
(c) White Anglo-Saxon Protestants;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Braze, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) Republicans;
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over
from the train mission,
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In Feb. 1993, 6 people were killed, and 1000+ injured when the
World Trade Center in NY was bombed by:
(a) Richard Nixon;
(b) Mickey Mouse;
(c) Yo Yo Ma;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) George Bush;
(b) Mr. Rogers;
(c) Hillary, trying to distract attention from Wild Bill's women
problems;
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
In Oct. 2000, 17 innocent soldiers were killed when the USS Cole
was attacked by:
(a) The Pope;
(b) The World Wrestling Federation promoting its next villain:
"Mustapha the Merciless";
(c) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and over 2,000 innocent
people killed by:
(a) Congressman James Trafficant;
(b) The Florida Supreme Court trying to out-do their attempted
hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;
(c) Darva Congers.
(d) Male Muslim extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
==============================================

Hmmm ............. nope, no patterns anywhere.
==============================================

"It's not like I'm saying Kerry would have been any better. Let's face it. When you when into that voting booth, you had a choice between two bowls of s***. The only difference was the smell. How did you Democrats find Kerry? What's the matter with you people? ... The first time I heard him speak, I thought ... 'I don't have enough bread crumbs to get me home.' The fact of the matter is the Democrats not being able to find somebody to defeat George Bush is beyond belief. It's stunning. It would be like finding a normal person who would lose in the Special Olympics." - Lewis Black

Pilot's Progress

Well, work at the TV Pilot yesterday at the Peppertree Ranch in Santa Ynez went well.  Ev was administering the boom microphone, while Aidan was given the job of script supervisor.  Even though there is no remuneration, all are having fun- AND there is always the potential!  Today's shooting continues in Santa Barbara.  At this point the proposed name is "Talker".  Supposedly, it stars Tim Matheson and Jay Thomas.

I was not particularly impressed with Obama's speech last evening.  I believe that he has waited too long to speak to us.  The claim is that many activities have been going on in the bowels of the gubmint, but he is just now getting around to talking to us- or reassuring us.  There are way too many promises that he made during his campaign that are not happening, or not happening fast enough.  He claims that they are "in control", but it is hard to believe.  He will have to accomplish much more before he will get re-elected for another term.  What is REALLY scary is who might run (like Sarah Palin for the Tea Party).  I am very close to becoming an independent (i.e. w/o party affiliation), because I cannot believe in any of them.  The old adage is proving to be true:  "Anybody that is a worthy leader wouldn't want the job of the presidency anyway.".

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What!!" cries the man, "Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

Amazing comeback at Walmart....
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice."

I'm a COSTCO-Holic
Shop Til You Drop---Half Your Paycheck

Inside the local Costco, I wander through the concrete-encased shopping park looking for deals on anything and everything I can find. I stare in awe at the sky-high shelves that hold giant containers of discount food items that I use almost everyday. Every time I shop, I purchase more food than the Brady Bunch would need in a month--even if Jan started loading up on carbs and Alice began to binge.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm a Costcoholic.

It began innocently--a barrel of Hellman's mayonnaise here, a tub of Crisco shortening there. I wasn't hurting anyone with my reasonably-priced bulk item purchases. My consumer reasoning was sound, at least that's what I was convincing myself when I was emptying my debit account at the till.

"Who couldn't use an extra crate of low-sodium Triscuits?" I would justify to myself, as I rolled through the warehouse with a cart the size of a Honda down aisles that could land a Boeing jet. At first, I'd only spend a few hundred dollars on a Costco visit. Pretty conservative I'd say. Sure, I'd only come out of there with a pallet of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, 24 pairs of white crew socks, and enough sugar-free Trident gum to freshen the breath of everyone in Idaho. I bought more than I would ever need. But it was satisfying, because I knew I was saving money in the long

After a while though, the amazing wholesale "savings" began to overwhelm the logic. I started to buy spices in unhealthy amounts. I purchased gallons of salad dressing, pounds of pitted prunes, and giant tins of Heinz ketchup that could cover a crinkle-cut mountain of wholesale-bought McCain's french fries. What was I doing?

I took out loans so that I could "save" money on bulk beef patties; I sold my home stereo so that I could buy a freezer big enough to hold the crates of cost-friendly corn dogs. I couldn't fit my car in the garage anymore because it was filled with sacks of flour, rice, and corn starch. Corn starch? I barely use enough of the stuff to thicken my gravy, and I already had enough gravy mixes to turn Boston Harbour into a brownish sludge.

My pantry is stuffed with enormous boxes of Cap'n Crunch--enough breakfast cereal to last me until the Cap'n becomes an Adm'ral, and still I can't stop! I don't even eat cereal anymore because the cuts on the roof of my mouth still haven't healed. Instead I have found other uses for the breakfast material that stays crunchy even in milk: hamburger filler, drain rock, land fill.

What is this consumer lure that snags me like a fingernail on a pair of nylons, and reels me into Costco like the gumboot on the end of a fishing hook? Why do I buy more condiments than a small restaurant franchise? Will my teeth fall out before I empty that tank of Colgate toothpaste? Will I ever be able to finish all those baby dills that came in that jar large enough to pickle Julia Child? I have so many more Costco shopping woes to talk about, but I just realized that I'm out of cookie dough, and there just happens to be a huge stock of the drums of Pillsbury Choco-Chip Batter going on right now...

What would they do without us ?

So I get a call at work from my son today; "I'm trying to make a sandwich and I can't find the mayonnaise. I'm looking in the fridge, but it's not there.".  Is that a good reason to call me at work ?  All that I told him was to look in the pantry, and of course, it was there.  Why are our kids so dependent on us ?  What will they do when they can't reach instantly ?


Yesterday, Ev borrowed my truck for an errand.  I gave him my keys.  He started the truck and went away. Twenty minutes later he was calling me and his mother frantically because he couldn't get the truck started again.  The key wouldn't turn.  I have two Honda keys on my key chain.  One has a cable tie on it to signify that it is the key for Terre's car.  My truck key has none.  One WOULD think, of course, that if you use one key to open the door, why would you use the other in the ignition ?  Well, after another twenty minutes of not being able to reach me, he tried the other key and all was well.  What will he do when we are not around ?

Yay LAKERS, GO GO GO!

The Best of George Carlin's One-Liners:

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

AIR FORCE Wisdom

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-
________________________________________
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -
________________________________________
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -
________________________________________
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-
________________________________________
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-
________________________________________
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -
________________________________________
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.' - Maritime Ops Manual -
________________________________________
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do..' - Unknown Marine Recruit-
________________________________________
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -USAF Ammo Troop-
________________________________________
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
________________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
________________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-
________________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
________________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-

________________________________________
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-
________________________________________
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-
________________________________________
'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-
________________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!" -Authors Unknown-
________________________________________
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -
________________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist-
________________________________________
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
________________________________________
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
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Remember: there are more airplanes in the sea, than submarines in the air.