Didn't have time to put together an entry yesterday, since we were very busy. I got taken to breakfast at Ellen's in Buellton and then to Pismo Beach for the biggest annual car show around here. The claim was 1000 cars on display. I have to admit, I've never seen so many people and so many cars in so small an area. I made it difficult to spend much time around any particular ones, because of the hampering crowd. It was pretty nice weather, though, when you could get out of the wind.
After a few hours, we went to Avila Beach. I haven't been there since the seventies. Sometime ago, Chevron was tasked with cleaning up the affluent that they let get into the water table, so they had to remove all the sand from the beach and replace the building in the town. Granted, it isn't very big, but that was a monumental task. The place is very pretty now and very modern.
Just up the road a piece is the Avila Valley Barn. Here is a farm setting that included fruits, vegetables, petting zoo, bakery, gift store, deli & ice cream store. It was a very nice place to stop and we got a lot of great eats.
Meanwhile, today is a bit more relaxed and I have some time to devote to some of the things I've been meaning to do, but haven't had time.
Here is an actual-factual, non-bullshit story that happened at my house yesterday. It also happens to be the funniest thing that has ever happened in the entire history of Earth.
A neighbor lady stopped by our house yesterday while she was out for her walk. I heard wifey blabbing with her on our front porch. Then suddenly I heard all kinds of wild yelling and screaming and then I saw a small blurry thing streak back and forth across our living room a couple times with wifey in hot pursuit of the high velocity object.
Here's what happened:
We have a crazy little doggy. A seven year old, five pound male yorkie who thinks he can kill and or screw anybody he wants to, whenever he feels like it. Even though he's cute as can be, he still bites me every single day. This little guy is straight up ornery but we love him to death anyways.
Anyways, the neighbor lady thinks he's cute too and always lets him kiss on her whenever she stops by. So yesterday as she was blabbin with wifey on the porch, she bent down to let our doggy cop a couple smoochies and what did he do? He stabbed his prehensile tongue into her mouth and her top dentures came loose and that little sum-bitch clamped onto them and bolted into the house with his prize hangin out both sides of his mouth.
He was haulin so much ass that I could hear his little toenails rippin the carpet as he whizzed by. It was like he had a stuck wide open throttle and his asshair was on fire.
The lady was screechin her fekkin lungs out and so was wifey. After a wild chase, wifey finally cought the little bandit and as hard as it was to catch him, it was even harder to get the dang dentures out of his mouth. He hella didn't want to give them up and he was growlin like crazy. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with yorkies, thier teeth are very sharp and taking something out of thier mouths against thier will is like reaching into a tiny bear trap made of razor blades.
Eventually the wild screams quieted down, the missing chompers were returned to their rightful owner and the thief was sentenced to his playpen/jail for a while.
The next wave of obnoxious sounds that the neighborhood got to suffer was the three of us laffin our fekkin asses off as each of us retold the story from our three different perspectives.
We laffed so much and so hard that my cheeks and ribbs were sore.
I wish I would have had the camera ready because this post doesn't even begin to explain what a sidesplitter this whole scene was.
I just hope I have told this story well enough that all y'alls can at least begin to picture it, because if I have, you should be laffin your heads off right now.
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish
English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of
the move say the city's School District is the first in the state
to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant
attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York
University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure
of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language
patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any
question is usually another question plus a complaint that is
implied or stated.
Thus:
"How are you?" may be answered,
"How should I be, with my feet?"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism.
An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the
beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to
the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end
of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as:
"He's slow as a turtle," could be:
"Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
Switched-On-Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the
'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the
other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
Advice for Husbands About Aging Wives
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle
the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and
not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so
much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to
do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish as a more leisurely pace. Nancy is
starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue
to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs
these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by
the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average
man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was worthwhile.
Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation
