Pilot's Progress

Well, work at the TV Pilot yesterday at the Peppertree Ranch in Santa Ynez went well.  Ev was administering the boom microphone, while Aidan was given the job of script supervisor.  Even though there is no remuneration, all are having fun- AND there is always the potential!  Today's shooting continues in Santa Barbara.  At this point the proposed name is "Talker".  Supposedly, it stars Tim Matheson and Jay Thomas.

I was not particularly impressed with Obama's speech last evening.  I believe that he has waited too long to speak to us.  The claim is that many activities have been going on in the bowels of the gubmint, but he is just now getting around to talking to us- or reassuring us.  There are way too many promises that he made during his campaign that are not happening, or not happening fast enough.  He claims that they are "in control", but it is hard to believe.  He will have to accomplish much more before he will get re-elected for another term.  What is REALLY scary is who might run (like Sarah Palin for the Tea Party).  I am very close to becoming an independent (i.e. w/o party affiliation), because I cannot believe in any of them.  The old adage is proving to be true:  "Anybody that is a worthy leader wouldn't want the job of the presidency anyway.".

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What!!" cries the man, "Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

Amazing comeback at Walmart....
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice."

I'm a COSTCO-Holic
Shop Til You Drop---Half Your Paycheck

Inside the local Costco, I wander through the concrete-encased shopping park looking for deals on anything and everything I can find. I stare in awe at the sky-high shelves that hold giant containers of discount food items that I use almost everyday. Every time I shop, I purchase more food than the Brady Bunch would need in a month--even if Jan started loading up on carbs and Alice began to binge.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm a Costcoholic.

It began innocently--a barrel of Hellman's mayonnaise here, a tub of Crisco shortening there. I wasn't hurting anyone with my reasonably-priced bulk item purchases. My consumer reasoning was sound, at least that's what I was convincing myself when I was emptying my debit account at the till.

"Who couldn't use an extra crate of low-sodium Triscuits?" I would justify to myself, as I rolled through the warehouse with a cart the size of a Honda down aisles that could land a Boeing jet. At first, I'd only spend a few hundred dollars on a Costco visit. Pretty conservative I'd say. Sure, I'd only come out of there with a pallet of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, 24 pairs of white crew socks, and enough sugar-free Trident gum to freshen the breath of everyone in Idaho. I bought more than I would ever need. But it was satisfying, because I knew I was saving money in the long

After a while though, the amazing wholesale "savings" began to overwhelm the logic. I started to buy spices in unhealthy amounts. I purchased gallons of salad dressing, pounds of pitted prunes, and giant tins of Heinz ketchup that could cover a crinkle-cut mountain of wholesale-bought McCain's french fries. What was I doing?

I took out loans so that I could "save" money on bulk beef patties; I sold my home stereo so that I could buy a freezer big enough to hold the crates of cost-friendly corn dogs. I couldn't fit my car in the garage anymore because it was filled with sacks of flour, rice, and corn starch. Corn starch? I barely use enough of the stuff to thicken my gravy, and I already had enough gravy mixes to turn Boston Harbour into a brownish sludge.

My pantry is stuffed with enormous boxes of Cap'n Crunch--enough breakfast cereal to last me until the Cap'n becomes an Adm'ral, and still I can't stop! I don't even eat cereal anymore because the cuts on the roof of my mouth still haven't healed. Instead I have found other uses for the breakfast material that stays crunchy even in milk: hamburger filler, drain rock, land fill.

What is this consumer lure that snags me like a fingernail on a pair of nylons, and reels me into Costco like the gumboot on the end of a fishing hook? Why do I buy more condiments than a small restaurant franchise? Will my teeth fall out before I empty that tank of Colgate toothpaste? Will I ever be able to finish all those baby dills that came in that jar large enough to pickle Julia Child? I have so many more Costco shopping woes to talk about, but I just realized that I'm out of cookie dough, and there just happens to be a huge stock of the drums of Pillsbury Choco-Chip Batter going on right now...

What would they do without us ?

So I get a call at work from my son today; "I'm trying to make a sandwich and I can't find the mayonnaise. I'm looking in the fridge, but it's not there.".  Is that a good reason to call me at work ?  All that I told him was to look in the pantry, and of course, it was there.  Why are our kids so dependent on us ?  What will they do when they can't reach instantly ?


Yesterday, Ev borrowed my truck for an errand.  I gave him my keys.  He started the truck and went away. Twenty minutes later he was calling me and his mother frantically because he couldn't get the truck started again.  The key wouldn't turn.  I have two Honda keys on my key chain.  One has a cable tie on it to signify that it is the key for Terre's car.  My truck key has none.  One WOULD think, of course, that if you use one key to open the door, why would you use the other in the ignition ?  Well, after another twenty minutes of not being able to reach me, he tried the other key and all was well.  What will he do when we are not around ?

Yay LAKERS, GO GO GO!

The Best of George Carlin's One-Liners:

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

AIR FORCE Wisdom

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-
________________________________________
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -
________________________________________
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -
________________________________________
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-
________________________________________
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-
________________________________________
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -
________________________________________
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.' - Maritime Ops Manual -
________________________________________
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do..' - Unknown Marine Recruit-
________________________________________
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -USAF Ammo Troop-
________________________________________
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
________________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
________________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-
________________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
________________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-
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'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-

________________________________________
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-
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'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!" -Authors Unknown-
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -
________________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist-
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
________________________________________

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
________________________________________
Remember: there are more airplanes in the sea, than submarines in the air.

Busy, Busy Beginning...

Over the weekend, Ev worked the KJEE Summer Roundup at the Bowl and he was really excited.  Tori interviewed at Blue Bee and she wasn't very confident that they liked her.  Well a lot changed since yesterday. Today they called her to go to work.  Ev landed a small part in a TV pilot that he will even get credit for.  Everyone is jazzed now.


Someone sent me an email about the Vette and wants to trade me a 2005 Vette plus money for it.  This would be interesting. We'll see how long the interest continues.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1,
then called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come
up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and
reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see
where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate
sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first
page where someone had written in pencil:

"The hat check girl puts out!"

Women Are Like Apples

Women are like apples on trees The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of Falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, They're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to Women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something Acceptable enough to have dinner with. 

A man comes home from a night of drinking.

As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana, the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband, I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!" 

Senior entertainment

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Slowin' Down Sunday....

Great reading by James Carville regarding the pollution of Louisiana: OIL   
   

Bit o' tid:  Isn't it interesting how Toyota and it's ills have gone almost completely off the new radar ?  Did it ever get fixed ?  Did they tell us what the problem was ?  Did the dealers upload the firmware fix to the computers of all the recalled-for-gas pedal or floormat fixes ?  Were they ever fined or just slapped on the hand ?

  

My Boss

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here.. Can you make this
thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need two copies."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing. 

The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Political Science Explained

Dictatorship In Theory: The biggest bully is in charge. He gets a steak, his lackies get a hamburger, you get a potato.
Dictatorship in Practice: The biggest bully is in charge. He gets steak, kills a lacky and gets a hamburger, and kills you to get a potato. His lackies get a hamburger and kill you to get a potato. You are lucky to escape with your life much less a potato.
 
Communism in Theory: Everybody gets a hamburger.
Communism in Practice: Whoever is in charge gets a steak, his lackies get a hamburger, and you get in line for a potato.
 
Conservatism in Theory: Steak is the product of traditional values. 
Conservatism in practice: Steak is the product of lying through your teeth. Believers get potatos.
 
Democracy in Theory: The majority votes for man who will help them get a steak.
Democracy in Practice: Vote for man who promises you a steak, gives you a potato, and calls it a hamburger.
 
Imperialism in Theory and Practice: Weaker nations thriving on potatos must be overthrown so that they may know the virtue and superiority of steak.
 
Fascism in Theory: Weaker nations supply the fatherland with steak! The fatherland will expand! We shall all eat steak!
Fascism in Practice: The man in charge gets a steak. His lackies get a steak. If you work hard enough and keep your mouth shut, you get a potato.
 
Monarchy in Theory: The King is ordained by God to get a steak, all loyal servants get a hamburger.
Monarchy in Practice: One family shares a potato so the King and all his lackies can get a steak.
 
Socialism in Theory: Everybody gets a hamburger.
Socialism in Practice: Everybody gets a hamburger whether they want it or not.
 
Theocracy in Theory: Whether you get a steak, hamburger, or potato is the will of God.
Theocracy in pracice: You die, killing several others, with an explosive potato strapped to your chest.
 
Capitalism in Theory: Get a potato, hamburger, or steak, depending on how hard you work.
Capitalism in practice: Give your hard earned steak to a man who already has a steak so you can get the latest iPotato.

   
You Might Be a Redneck IF
*  you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
*  you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
*  your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
*  you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
*  you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
*  that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
*  your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
*  you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
*  you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
*  your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
*  you've got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
*  you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
*  taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
*  you've got more than one other named “Darryl”.
*  you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
*  on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
*  you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
*  your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
*  your child's first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
*  your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
*  your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
*  you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
*  you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.
*  you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
*  you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
*  you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
*  you've ever valet parked a snow plow.
*  you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
*  you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
*  you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
*  you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
*  there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
*  you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
*  the strongest smell in your house is butane.
*  you think paprika is a Third World country.
*  you ask the preacher, “How's it hanging?”
*  you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
*  you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother's an honor student” at the local junior high.
*  you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
*  you played the banjo in your high school band.
*  the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
*  your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
*  your tires are worth more than your truck.
*  you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.
*  your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stuckey's napkin.
*  you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
*  you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
*  you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
*  you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
*  Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
*  you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
*  you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
*  people don't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
*  your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
*  you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.
*  you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
*  you're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
*  you've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
*  the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
*  your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.  

Comfy and Cozy in a Hammock...

Poker was great last night, and it is true you know;  winning gets boring.  I did not have that problem, though.  For the most part, I held my own much of the evening, but my funds dipped later on.  Bottom line, I played all night and ended $9.50 in the hole.  Much fun though. 

The rest of my day was consumed with shopping and other unexciting chores.  Not that I'm dissapointed, but I feel like I gotta go somewhere, like this:

...... and then do nothing!  I sure hope that "my boat" comes in soon....

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'

A professor at University of Minnesota, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist

opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it. 

Good news! BP has stopped the oil leak!

They put a giant wedding band around the well and all of a sudden it quit putting out!!!

A Florida senior citizen

drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

Weekend at last....

Boy I just couldn't wait for Friday to get here, and tonight is poker night.  Poker is like fishing: it is great to win (catch something), but that isn't the main goal! 

You heard it first here:  The real progress on plugging and cleaning up the Gulf oil spill will be when first it reaches the East Coast, and second when it reaches the British Isles.....


Read a very interesting article in the Independent today.  Here is the link The Marie.

Saw a Billboard that said:

"Need Help, Call Jesus"
1-800-005-3787
 
...so out of curiosity I did

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck. 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing...
You should see the back of mine!"

Spitting in the Shoes
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just
before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the
aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do
not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.) "No
problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone
the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That
looks good. Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew obligingly
goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the
other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy
the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How
long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples ...this hatred...your spitting in my shoes and me
pissing in your Coke?"

The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items

16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8. Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit

Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Mournbook ?

Newsflash: The Hong Kong government now offers the next (logical ?) step in cemeteries: a virtual cemetery. This is also the next step (if there is one) in social networking. The website enables users to pay tribute to dead relatives and friends by creating an online memorial page with pictures and messages. You can send virtual flowers and offerings to comfort the dead in their afterlife, such as virtual chickens, fruit, roast suckling pig and paper money.

The website, memorial.gov.hk, has been set up to help people pay tribute to their loved ones “anytime and anywhere online in a warm, personalized yet solemn manner.” and, of course, this gets shared by anyone that visits the site. It will only allow memorials for Hong Kong residents on record of having been cremated at public crematoriums or buried at public cemeteries to guard against pranksters creating bogus pages. A government spokesman said the free service had been created to meet the needs of modern society and to promote sustainable forms of mourning and burial.

Used to be that what you felt and expressed at a grave site was private. Now it would get shared. It becomes a social networking website. I would bet that bad feelings and even fights could be generated by family members that wanted to express how they REALLY felt about the deceased.

So you visit a dead relative's website memorial and catch a virus on your computer. Do you assume that the virus is an embodiment of your dead relative's spirit and to remove it, if you desire, do you need more than a virus remover, say a virtual priest to perform an exorcism ??

Where to live after Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where..... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is 'nature'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where..
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. 

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C ' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. 

Avocados

In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato. All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.

  

Song time

HEY DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD SONG BY ...JONNY HORTON...THE BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS?...


Well in 2010 we took a lil trip
down to Arizona cause the Illegals were talking lip.

We grabbed All our guns... and put our Huntin packs on
and we met the damn Illegals in the town of ol Tucson.

We fired our guns but the Illegals kept a commin ,,,,,there wasn’t as many as there was a while ago
We fired once more and they began to running ,Down the Santa Cruz to that shit hole Mexico
Well they ran through the cactus and they ran through the stickers ....they ran through places a coyote couldn't go
they ran so fast Immigration couldn’t catch um...Down the Santa Cruz to that shit hole Mexico.

WE looked towards the South and watched Illegals come... there must of been a thousand of um throwing all there scum
They stomped all the trails ... and they left their trash behind
now it looks like a shit hole... when it used to be sublime.

WE fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,... there wasn’t as many as there was awhile ago
we fired once more and they begin to running,... cross the Rio Grande to that shit hole Mexico.

They crawl in at night and they sleep on the ground,,,then thay leave in the morning and they burn the mountain down
Id like to catch um once and kick some fucking ass... we dont want um, and thay can keep their grass.

Well we fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,,, there wasn’t as many as there was awhile ago.
we fired once more and they begin to running ... down the Santa Cruz to the shit hole Mexico.

We ran um ALL off now our streets are safe and sound,,, we can even let our kids back on the play ground
we built up a wall so to not let um back,, NOW come back again and you’ll be leaving in a sack.

We all want to thank the town of Tucson,, now were all doing just great cause the Illegals are gone.
We don’t see low riders or any brown clowns,, cause all the circus music has been run out of town.

WE fired our guns and the Illegals kept a coming,, there wasn’t as many as there was a while ago
we fired once more and they begin to running,, down the Santa Cruz back to their shit hole Mexico.

NEWSFLASHES...

NEWSFLASH:  AT&T is not making enough money!   Having to cough up much investment in infrastructure to support their monopolistic control over the iPhone (largest of the data hogs), now they have decided to back the subscribers into a corner by restructuring the charges for data usage into a tiered system.  It is as though they want to encourage you not to use the iPhone as much as you may have already.  So when current contracts run out or when new ones (as for the new iPhone 4), subscribers will pay though the nose for data usage habits that they've become accustomed to when data charges were still high, but for unlimited usage.  Still another reason to dump AT&T and choose another carrier.  It is really too bad that Apple did not open up the iPhone to all carriers.

NEWSFLASH2: Obama says that white people don't like angry black men, so he's looking for an "ass to kick" over the Gulf crisis.  The REAL culprit here is congress, the previous administration (which was certainly in bed with big oil), the Bureau of Mineral Management (more graft here), and finally the oil companies (particularly BP).  So what is it that I REALLY don't understand ?  Why has BP upwards of 300 times as many safety violations as the other oil companies, AND we still let them do business in our economic sphere ?  Who was REALLY asleep during this one ?  What certainly hurts, though, is rolling a few heads won't fix the damage that has been done- not even the damage that we know about!

Guys are helpful-

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

 I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my girl friend and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

 The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your girl look like?"

 I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 Most of us old guys are helpful like that.    

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded
them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting
rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone, and one says to the other:

"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up
to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."




THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with The lads.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
Girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat. 
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum! 
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair. 
10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. 
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop. 
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. 
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Bubba Pump....

These are funny, but the reason that caused them to be created is WAY not:

  

All I can think of to say that this is part of a side of our culture that I'm not really fond of.  Are these considered political cartoons or commentary ?  Are these created by the same people that rush to disasters just to sell t-shirts with local picture on them ?

Monday Blues...

I didn't want to get up this morning, and by later on, I was almost sorry I did.
 
FLASH: I just heard that Joran van der Sloot's father recently passed away from a heart attack.  Not that I feel sorry for Joren in any fashion whatsoever, but now he has absolutely nobody in his corner.  


An unusual day today, as it is very slow going.  Requirements are not ready or adequate to keep working in the direction we have been.  It will be tough to keep busy today, and possibly until Wednesday....

FLASH 2: A funeral home in South Carolina has been shut down after admitting that they cut the legs off of a 6' 7" man so that he would fit into his casket. The funeral home said, "In our defense, we tried it first with holes cut for the feet to stick out, but that just looked ridiculous".

FLASH 3: According to Peru's Environment Ministry, over 12 million cubic meters of raw sewage are dumped into Lake Titicaca every year. When asked about it, America's junior high school students all agreed that they when they first heard of this place, they had always hoped that the lake was full of titties... 

FLASH 4: Something in the economy has to break loose (besides the gusher in the Gulf).  I just heard today that because we haven't been building new homes, and many of the foreclosed ones have been torn down, we very-well could be facing a housing shortage in the near future.  What that means (thank goodness) is that existing homes should go up in value!

Hoo ray...

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying.
On his deathbed, he looked up and said,
"Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.
Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
So Abe sits up and yells,
"THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

A guy was looking at the classified ads in Florida and saw an ad that says “Talking Dog $20.” So he goes to the house listed in the ad and asks the owner what the deal was with the talking dog.  The owner said he was in the back bedroom.   Sitting on a bed with a tv remote in hand, the dog looks up and says, “Hey, how you doing?”
The guy is flabbergasted, “You’re really a talking dog! What heck are you doing here in Florida?”
“Well,” the dog says, “let me tell you.”
“I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and helped save people who were buried in the debris. Then I was in the Gulf War for a while bringing medicine to injured soldiers. Then I helped sniff for terrorist bombs at the JFK. Then I was on Broadway in Riverdance. Then I helped patrol the border and sniff out drug runners before my partner got shot. It all just got to be too much.  So I retired down here.”
The guy goes out into the other room and says, “This is amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for only twenty dollars?”
The owner replies loud enough for the dog in the other room to hear, “Cause he’s a BIG LIAR!”

Palin Rings True...

"There's nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives."
Sarah Palin, writing on her Facebook page, saying environmentalists are responsible for the oil spill because they keep oil drilling away from safer places to drill.

There is a joke if I ever heard one. Do you ever remember looking at an expensive piece of modern art and saying "I could do that, easily, and make a lot of money." ?  After all it is just spattering paint on a canvas and has no real rhyme or reason or resemblance to anything short of what you can conjure up in your mind's eye. Somehow I feel that Sarah Palin is that same category. How ridiculous can you get, and still run for vice president and author a book and convince people, many people, to pay to hear you speak.  Come on now, all we have here is an Alaskan box-of-hair.  I REALLY expected her to just disappear from the media after that barely-an-election.  If this was the best that the Republicans can drum up, they are REALLY in trouble.  Meanwhile, it still appears as though she is their BEST (?) hope (I don't know what for though).  I suppose her quote could be likened to Global Warming being the result of protecting the Spotted Owl.  The location of where oil exists really has absolutely nothing to do with the safety at which we attempt to extract it.  Granted, if the well was on shore, it would be easier to deal with, but all the more reason to build more safety mechanisms and oversight into the difficult ones.

    

"The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled 'no fat,' low fat,
'reduced fat,' and 'fat, but great personality'"
 - Michael Feldman

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that damned nun out there again!"

Summer Classes for Women at Loyalist College
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, 4 June, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support
and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking
across the campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
'What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!'
The priest said, 'Hey, here comes the
green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hi George, what's the matter that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group was silent for a moment. Then
the priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for
them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play
at night?'
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he
was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, 'Hey, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You are in a
hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you
know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist,' everything
you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be
a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how
did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know
where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil
Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people ... believe that if it isn't
broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
  
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
One day, an engineer was crossing a road
when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess'.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put
it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
 The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want.'
Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look. I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

The history of Anesthesia:
2000 B.C. - "Here, take this hammer."
1000 B.C. - "That hammer is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this inhalation"
2000 A.D. - "That inhalation is artificial. Show me your back".
2025 A.D. - "Here, take this hammer".