Palin Rings True...

"There's nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives."
Sarah Palin, writing on her Facebook page, saying environmentalists are responsible for the oil spill because they keep oil drilling away from safer places to drill.

There is a joke if I ever heard one. Do you ever remember looking at an expensive piece of modern art and saying "I could do that, easily, and make a lot of money." ?  After all it is just spattering paint on a canvas and has no real rhyme or reason or resemblance to anything short of what you can conjure up in your mind's eye. Somehow I feel that Sarah Palin is that same category. How ridiculous can you get, and still run for vice president and author a book and convince people, many people, to pay to hear you speak.  Come on now, all we have here is an Alaskan box-of-hair.  I REALLY expected her to just disappear from the media after that barely-an-election.  If this was the best that the Republicans can drum up, they are REALLY in trouble.  Meanwhile, it still appears as though she is their BEST (?) hope (I don't know what for though).  I suppose her quote could be likened to Global Warming being the result of protecting the Spotted Owl.  The location of where oil exists really has absolutely nothing to do with the safety at which we attempt to extract it.  Granted, if the well was on shore, it would be easier to deal with, but all the more reason to build more safety mechanisms and oversight into the difficult ones.

    

"The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled 'no fat,' low fat,
'reduced fat,' and 'fat, but great personality'"
 - Michael Feldman

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that damned nun out there again!"

Summer Classes for Women at Loyalist College
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, 4 June, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support
and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS -
USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials!
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking
across the campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
'What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!'
The priest said, 'Hey, here comes the
green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hi George, what's the matter that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group was silent for a moment. Then
the priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for
them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play
at night?'
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he
was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, 'Hey, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied, 'You are in a
hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you
know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist,' everything
you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be
a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how
did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know
where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil
Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people ... believe that if it isn't
broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
  
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
One day, an engineer was crossing a road
when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess'.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put
it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
 The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If
you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want.'
Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look. I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

The history of Anesthesia:
2000 B.C. - "Here, take this hammer."
1000 B.C. - "That hammer is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this inhalation"
2000 A.D. - "That inhalation is artificial. Show me your back".
2025 A.D. - "Here, take this hammer".

Facebook downfall....

I just heard that someone has a class-action suit against Facebook for privacy issues.  It seems that if anyone clicks on an ad while logged into their account, Facebook sends them a header with enough information to get back to your page AND login.  At that point, ALL the information on your page is available to them, no matter what your privacy issues are set to. 

What I don't understand is why would people put things on their page that their privacy settings would keep people from seeing ?  What good is it ?  Do I need another time sink not that broadcast TV is so bad that I won't just watch whatever is on ???


I look at is a much different way: I think Facebook is an affront to my private time.  Everyone wants to be my friend- even people I don't know.  DO I really want to commit that much time to broadcasting every detail of my existence to umpteen people that have nothing better to do ?  Gimme a break, I mean, GIMME a break.  I got an account so I can see my daughter's page and protect her from revealing too much.  Any more time that they want me to devote to my "friends" is just way over the top as far as I'm concerned.

How many more incidents of privacy lapses or identity theft will it take before we figure out that keeping something private means NOT telling anyone? 




Last night we watched "Alice in Wonderland".  We were pleasantly surprised that it was better than expected.  Unfortunately, it was "quite" obvious as to what was missing or wrong with the movie.  It really could have been SO much better with so little change.

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"


The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

Paddy & Murphy worked together

and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Paddy said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him seventy-five pounds a week employment pay.

Murphy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy one hundred and fifty pounds a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Murphy puts them over his head and says, 'yah, diesel fitter.'"

Things to Remember
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only
live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the
future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the
past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to
do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really
tried them.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide
us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a
persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when
Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll
learn him.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too,
and I find it more personal and sincere.

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PUT ON YOUR JOB RESUME.
1. Your high school class voted you "Most Likely to be Found on a Tower with a Rifle."
2. You have a degree as a dietitian from the Hannible Lecter School of Medicine.
3. ANY details about your job experience in continuity assurance and quality control at a hog breeding facility.
4. Any student organizations you belonged to that have the words Satan, Armageddon, or beastiality in their titles.
5. You were fired from your last job for committing an unnatural act with the entire sales department.
6. You were fired from your last job for making obscene telephone calls to Barney from a company phone.
7. You were fired from your last job for attempting a hostile takeover involving the 81st. Airborne.
8. You filed a discrimination suit against your last employer because of their policy against employees wearing crotchless business suits, and won.
9. You quit your last job after your boss rejected your suggestion for staging public floggings of late employees.
10. Your hobbies include taking massive quantities of hallucinogens and then working on your chainsaw collection.

It is really good that it's Friday, because I'm really ready....

I am really disturbed today: 1) I spoke to my barber who lives in Carpinteria and he said that he voted (absentee, of course) to allow oil drilling on the bluffs.  He said that the city and the schools need the money.  He also said that most Carpinterians feel the same way. 2) I heard on the radio this morning that BP had successfully began pumping oil up to a ship.  What is their goal, saving the oil or saving the environment ?  I have the distinct impression that saving the oil is more important to them.  3) Apparently, van der Sloot was captured, and Aruba is doing nothing.  Someone in the US contacted him to pay $250,000 for the location of Natalee Holloway's body.  A down payment of $15k was made to a bank in the Netherlands.  Why did we wait so long to try this ?  Why isn't Aruba doing anything ?  The GOOD thing here is that he will never get out of Peru's prisons.  He has no rights in Peru and there are no extradition agreements with the Netherlands.

The sign reads:

       WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
       WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS
         THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business
in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement...

One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country
would be marching on this business and that the National Guard
might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back...

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let
the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who
hold Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and after
all it is just a sign...

You may be asking what business would dare post such a sign?

 .........Goldberg's Funeral Home!

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon




"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno  

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman

"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it." –David Letterman

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David Letterman

"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno

"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher

"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman

"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman

La Lengua Disturba

Today I made a phone call to a local utility and after the greeting, I as forced to press 1 for English.  How would I know that if I couldn't understand English.  Why don't I press 1 for NON-English.  That pisses me off almost as much as the State of California printing Driver's Handbooks in umpteen languages.  Don't they have to read street signs or parking tickets...  Why should I pay taxes so that non-English speakers can legally drive ? 


Sorry, the low horse wasn't available tonight, so I'm using the high one.  I guess this whole "pimple" in AZ is getting to me.  I understand that a pregnant illegal having a baby in the US provides citizenship for the baby and it is forever entitled to those benefits.  Does this occur anywhere else in the world ?  Why should it here ?


I heard on the radio that many. many illegal immigrants have been streaming to Catalina, AND Mexico is providing them with fake green cards.  Where is ICE ??  Don't they see the boats on radar or satellite ?  Are we so busy watching the AZ border that we are ignoring the rest of it ?

Right now, I am a registered Republican (not that I'm proud of it), but I am not going to vote in the primary for Governor because of the whole immigration issue. 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. 

 

Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss Steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
– Sauce Unknown

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before."


 

Comin' 'Round After Goin' 'Round!

IN THE NEWS:  Looks like van der Sloot has been busy again, this time in Peru.  The claim is irrefutable evidence that puts him at a 21-year old girl's murder.  I would still bet that he is responsible for Natalie Holloway's murder as well.

Isn't it interesting that Obama hasn't blown his top yet about any of the disaster's he's had to deal with.  I certainly would be making BP very uncomfortable right about now.  If they don't succeed at plugging the leak this time, I would ask that any and all other oil companies come to their/our aid, while I systematically shut down all other BP operations that we can.  True to form, we want it all. We want a leader who can feel our pain while rising above it. We say we don't trust government, but we look to it for answers and cleanups. And we elected Barack Obama. Now we want to change him.

Here is the latest in the ridiculousness:  I was just in the local 7-11 and they are selling an anodized aluminum Slurpee straw!  Someone will eye out, or use it as a pea shooter at school and do the same.  Why would I want to have one, pay for one, use one ?

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine . . . and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria". In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds). However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Pick-up Line Put-Downs
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

DETERIORATA (The following poem was not found in an old Baltimore church):
Introduction
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Ro-tate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!
Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.

Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.

GIVE UP!
Reprise
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Deteriorata (Yet another version)

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself.  If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
                        --From the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album.

DESIDERATA (The original):
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world in full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

---

Often attributed as "Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692."
Actually, Desiderata was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann. 

Actual Band Names
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress 

Coulda been a better day...

I watched the live feed from BP's antics at the wellhead this morning (DeepWater).  It has certainly convinced me how difficult a task this effort is.  The unfortunate fact, though, is that oil companies are NOT required to accommodate these kind of reparations before the drilling even starts.  They should have many types of emergency measure moth-balled and waiting for when they are needed.

The Europeans are upset because the government want to raise the retirement age (Wait to Retire).  Since they have so many benefits already, including long vacations; wouldn't it seem that their workers should last longer than ours ?  Unless something drastic happens, I can't imagine being totally retired, ever...

W went down to the Mission after work and viewed the I Modonnari chalk drawing on the pavement.  It was pretty impressive!  Here is an example:  Doesn't it look just like a photograph ?

Amazing!

Deathbed

A Jew was on his deathbed, and his family was gathered round him. He calls for his wife. “I’m here, honey.” He then called for his daughters. Both of them replied: “ Here, Papa.” Then he called for his sons. : We’re here, Dad.”
So he shouts: “ Then who the H___ is minding the store?” and dies.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain
later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

When I was younger.....

I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

The hired help:

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”
 

 
 

Confusious Say

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Another Holiday Bite the Dust...

Last evening's BBQ was very good.  Lots of interesting people and great food.  Too bad it takes a holiday to get them together.


Today we hiked up to Red Rock and took advantage of the cool waters heading to Cachuma Lake.  We watched numerous people jumping off rocks into the river, but bolstered by liquid courage, some would jump from the highest rock which is 50 or 60 feet up.  I exclaimed, "That doesn't take brains...".  One guy climbed the rock but after about twenty minutes of looking like he was going to jump, climbed back down.. With about fifty goads at water level yelling to jump, I'd say that he had more courage to climb back down than to go.  We figured that as bad as the potential jump looked like from the water level, can you imagine how bad it looked from up there ?

Well, it's back to work again tomorrow morning, and considering how much I've been doing around here- I need the break!

Deathbed

A Jew was on his deathbed, and his family was gathered round him. He calls for his wife. “I’m here, honey.” He then called for his daughters. Both of them replied: “ Here, Papa.” Then he called for his sons. : We’re here, Dad.”
So he shouts: “ Then who the H___ is minding the store?” and dies.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain
later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

When I was younger.....

I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

The hired help:

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”
 

 
 

Confusious Say

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Scrumptious Sunday...

Last evening we went to see Prince Of Persia.  I had only heard that the special effects, photography and sound were great and that Jake's performance was less than stellar.  I found, instead, a story with a strong plotline with numerous twists and turns.  Definitely, it was entertaining and, at times, gripping.  I did not find any problems with Jake's performance.  The whole experience was a strong four out of five stars.

For some reasons which I won't go into right now, I woke up at 5:30 this morning and "wide awake". I decided to get up.  I made coffee, let out the dog (uncooperative), fed him and the cat- and here I sit, until the paper shows up.

There are some REALLY stupid people out there that is causing a big rip-off: (I quote a portion of an entry on a subscription of mine...)

My wife is a church geek.  She sings on the worship team, sings in the choir, and plays flute in the church orchestra.  All of her friends are also church geeks, so they tend to be ladies of decent character.  But good car consumers?  Not necessarily, and sometimes youth plays no factor.

My wife's best friend is a lady who hasn't always found the best way through life.  In the middle-2000's she actually rented a room from us, an event which I think started an upward trend for her as she saw how people with a plan actually live their lives.  She has since finished a college degree and gradually seems to be slowly casting out whatever demons haunt her.

But not her car purchases, apparently.

She had an early-2000's Buick Regal.  It was a decent car but she borrowed for all of it and did so on bad credit terms because she hasn't been very good at managing her money.  (Poor decision-making about car purchases and bad money management are bedfellows, of course.)  Well, in 2008 the car began to have a few problems.  One day, it wouldn't start, and her "mechanic" gouged her some kind of electrical issue (alternator, battery, whatever).  A couple days later it happened again (good mechanic, huh?) and it was determined to be the battery.  Like Johnelle, this lady should have made a beeline for the nearest gearhead(me) and like Johnelle, she lost her mind.  Instead of having me look at it and help her get it under control, she drove to the nearest Chevy dealer and then that evening showed up in my driveway with a  lighty-used Malibu Maxx.

I know it's not an old Kia for a choking amount of money, but... my math-inclined brain immediately threw up the red flags and wanted to know how a 37-year-old woman with poor credit and a long-time $15/hr-ish job could possibly afford this car when the other one wasn't paid for.  So while examining the car, I inquired.  Here is what I learned:

(1)  She didn't know the purchase price of the car.  In disbelief to my first inquiry about its price, I pressed her. She literally did not know.  She didn't ask, and she didn't read the contract, but thought the price was in the mid-14's.  Whatever it was, you *know* it wasn't discounted.

(2)  The dealer agreed to take the Buick and "roll" the amount owed on it into the price of the Malibu Maxx.

(3)  She put down no money.

(4)  The financing terms were also not known, but from her description it was 60 or 72 months at 14%.  That's not a typo.

When I asked her why she did this, she trotted out the usual clap about "I have to have something reliable." I said nothing at all to her because it would just be pearls before swine.  I just admired the car (it IS nice).

When she left, I told my wife everything her friend had done and expressed my shock and disappointment.  WHY wouldn't you ask for my help? You know I would surely give it.  You know I would give you sound advice.  (I spend about 1/4 what she does for transportation and I have two cars and two drivers.)  Worse, how can you be a repeated moron with regard to the money?  How can you not even read what you just signed?

Talk about seeing her coming!  The sales guy could barely believe his good luck.  She drives up in a Buick and promptly tell them it's having trouble. She's more than 100 pounds overweight, has a Kentucky twang, and has some very odd mannerisms.  She told me that they (presumably the sales guy and his mgr) were telling her that spending more was a good investment, and she didn't argue with them.  They played her like a (large) bass fiddle and she never knew it.

You don't HAVE to make this stuff up.  There is an endless parade of morons capable of providing entertainment of this variety.

Don't get me started on my tenant.  (I own a small rental house.) She did the same thing with a minivan, despite having only two children and no husband.  I told her (unsolicited) that she should take the van back and hand them the keys.  Her credit is already trashed; what would it matter?  She still has it.  It's been wrecked once.  It's not in good repair.  And she still owes thousands more than it could ever sell for.  <Shrug.>  As long as she pays the rent...

These are the kind of people that never miss a chance to vote, which unfortunately, make Meg Whitman look good after not voting for the last 28 elections.  Unfortunately, these kind of people are one of our biggest problems.


With that, we are off to some friends' for a holiday BBQ...

A Matter Of Perspective

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The Strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that Stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out.

 

Bathroom Grafitti

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Good judgment comes from experience...... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment ! Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Clones are people, two. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not

Dyslexics have more nuf. Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. . . neither one works!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one ever says,"It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I believe that five out of four people have trouble with fractions. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older, then it dawned on me..... they were cramming for their finals.

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.