Comin' 'Round After Goin' 'Round!

IN THE NEWS:  Looks like van der Sloot has been busy again, this time in Peru.  The claim is irrefutable evidence that puts him at a 21-year old girl's murder.  I would still bet that he is responsible for Natalie Holloway's murder as well.

Isn't it interesting that Obama hasn't blown his top yet about any of the disaster's he's had to deal with.  I certainly would be making BP very uncomfortable right about now.  If they don't succeed at plugging the leak this time, I would ask that any and all other oil companies come to their/our aid, while I systematically shut down all other BP operations that we can.  True to form, we want it all. We want a leader who can feel our pain while rising above it. We say we don't trust government, but we look to it for answers and cleanups. And we elected Barack Obama. Now we want to change him.

Here is the latest in the ridiculousness:  I was just in the local 7-11 and they are selling an anodized aluminum Slurpee straw!  Someone will eye out, or use it as a pea shooter at school and do the same.  Why would I want to have one, pay for one, use one ?

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine . . . and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria". In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. (that's over 2 pounds). However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Pick-up Line Put-Downs
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

DETERIORATA (The following poem was not found in an old Baltimore church):
Introduction
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Ro-tate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!
Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.

Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.

GIVE UP!
Reprise
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Deteriorata (Yet another version)

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself.  If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
                        --From the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album.

DESIDERATA (The original):
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world in full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

---

Often attributed as "Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692."
Actually, Desiderata was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann. 

Actual Band Names
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress 

Coulda been a better day...

I watched the live feed from BP's antics at the wellhead this morning (DeepWater).  It has certainly convinced me how difficult a task this effort is.  The unfortunate fact, though, is that oil companies are NOT required to accommodate these kind of reparations before the drilling even starts.  They should have many types of emergency measure moth-balled and waiting for when they are needed.

The Europeans are upset because the government want to raise the retirement age (Wait to Retire).  Since they have so many benefits already, including long vacations; wouldn't it seem that their workers should last longer than ours ?  Unless something drastic happens, I can't imagine being totally retired, ever...

W went down to the Mission after work and viewed the I Modonnari chalk drawing on the pavement.  It was pretty impressive!  Here is an example:  Doesn't it look just like a photograph ?

Amazing!

Deathbed

A Jew was on his deathbed, and his family was gathered round him. He calls for his wife. “I’m here, honey.” He then called for his daughters. Both of them replied: “ Here, Papa.” Then he called for his sons. : We’re here, Dad.”
So he shouts: “ Then who the H___ is minding the store?” and dies.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain
later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

When I was younger.....

I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

The hired help:

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”
 

 
 

Confusious Say

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Another Holiday Bite the Dust...

Last evening's BBQ was very good.  Lots of interesting people and great food.  Too bad it takes a holiday to get them together.


Today we hiked up to Red Rock and took advantage of the cool waters heading to Cachuma Lake.  We watched numerous people jumping off rocks into the river, but bolstered by liquid courage, some would jump from the highest rock which is 50 or 60 feet up.  I exclaimed, "That doesn't take brains...".  One guy climbed the rock but after about twenty minutes of looking like he was going to jump, climbed back down.. With about fifty goads at water level yelling to jump, I'd say that he had more courage to climb back down than to go.  We figured that as bad as the potential jump looked like from the water level, can you imagine how bad it looked from up there ?

Well, it's back to work again tomorrow morning, and considering how much I've been doing around here- I need the break!

Deathbed

A Jew was on his deathbed, and his family was gathered round him. He calls for his wife. “I’m here, honey.” He then called for his daughters. Both of them replied: “ Here, Papa.” Then he called for his sons. : We’re here, Dad.”
So he shouts: “ Then who the H___ is minding the store?” and dies.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain
later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

When I was younger.....

I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

The hired help:

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”

So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”
 

 
 

Confusious Say

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

Scrumptious Sunday...

Last evening we went to see Prince Of Persia.  I had only heard that the special effects, photography and sound were great and that Jake's performance was less than stellar.  I found, instead, a story with a strong plotline with numerous twists and turns.  Definitely, it was entertaining and, at times, gripping.  I did not find any problems with Jake's performance.  The whole experience was a strong four out of five stars.

For some reasons which I won't go into right now, I woke up at 5:30 this morning and "wide awake". I decided to get up.  I made coffee, let out the dog (uncooperative), fed him and the cat- and here I sit, until the paper shows up.

There are some REALLY stupid people out there that is causing a big rip-off: (I quote a portion of an entry on a subscription of mine...)

My wife is a church geek.  She sings on the worship team, sings in the choir, and plays flute in the church orchestra.  All of her friends are also church geeks, so they tend to be ladies of decent character.  But good car consumers?  Not necessarily, and sometimes youth plays no factor.

My wife's best friend is a lady who hasn't always found the best way through life.  In the middle-2000's she actually rented a room from us, an event which I think started an upward trend for her as she saw how people with a plan actually live their lives.  She has since finished a college degree and gradually seems to be slowly casting out whatever demons haunt her.

But not her car purchases, apparently.

She had an early-2000's Buick Regal.  It was a decent car but she borrowed for all of it and did so on bad credit terms because she hasn't been very good at managing her money.  (Poor decision-making about car purchases and bad money management are bedfellows, of course.)  Well, in 2008 the car began to have a few problems.  One day, it wouldn't start, and her "mechanic" gouged her some kind of electrical issue (alternator, battery, whatever).  A couple days later it happened again (good mechanic, huh?) and it was determined to be the battery.  Like Johnelle, this lady should have made a beeline for the nearest gearhead(me) and like Johnelle, she lost her mind.  Instead of having me look at it and help her get it under control, she drove to the nearest Chevy dealer and then that evening showed up in my driveway with a  lighty-used Malibu Maxx.

I know it's not an old Kia for a choking amount of money, but... my math-inclined brain immediately threw up the red flags and wanted to know how a 37-year-old woman with poor credit and a long-time $15/hr-ish job could possibly afford this car when the other one wasn't paid for.  So while examining the car, I inquired.  Here is what I learned:

(1)  She didn't know the purchase price of the car.  In disbelief to my first inquiry about its price, I pressed her. She literally did not know.  She didn't ask, and she didn't read the contract, but thought the price was in the mid-14's.  Whatever it was, you *know* it wasn't discounted.

(2)  The dealer agreed to take the Buick and "roll" the amount owed on it into the price of the Malibu Maxx.

(3)  She put down no money.

(4)  The financing terms were also not known, but from her description it was 60 or 72 months at 14%.  That's not a typo.

When I asked her why she did this, she trotted out the usual clap about "I have to have something reliable." I said nothing at all to her because it would just be pearls before swine.  I just admired the car (it IS nice).

When she left, I told my wife everything her friend had done and expressed my shock and disappointment.  WHY wouldn't you ask for my help? You know I would surely give it.  You know I would give you sound advice.  (I spend about 1/4 what she does for transportation and I have two cars and two drivers.)  Worse, how can you be a repeated moron with regard to the money?  How can you not even read what you just signed?

Talk about seeing her coming!  The sales guy could barely believe his good luck.  She drives up in a Buick and promptly tell them it's having trouble. She's more than 100 pounds overweight, has a Kentucky twang, and has some very odd mannerisms.  She told me that they (presumably the sales guy and his mgr) were telling her that spending more was a good investment, and she didn't argue with them.  They played her like a (large) bass fiddle and she never knew it.

You don't HAVE to make this stuff up.  There is an endless parade of morons capable of providing entertainment of this variety.

Don't get me started on my tenant.  (I own a small rental house.) She did the same thing with a minivan, despite having only two children and no husband.  I told her (unsolicited) that she should take the van back and hand them the keys.  Her credit is already trashed; what would it matter?  She still has it.  It's been wrecked once.  It's not in good repair.  And she still owes thousands more than it could ever sell for.  <Shrug.>  As long as she pays the rent...

These are the kind of people that never miss a chance to vote, which unfortunately, make Meg Whitman look good after not voting for the last 28 elections.  Unfortunately, these kind of people are one of our biggest problems.


With that, we are off to some friends' for a holiday BBQ...

A Matter Of Perspective

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The Strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that Stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and flatulence).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play Or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has Gone Seriously Bad, prior to tossing it out.

 

Bathroom Grafitti

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Good judgment comes from experience...... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment ! Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Clones are people, two. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not

Dyslexics have more nuf. Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. . . neither one works!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one ever says,"It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I believe that five out of four people have trouble with fractions. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older, then it dawned on me..... they were cramming for their finals.

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Bitter, Overworked and Under-Appreciated

Well we shouldn't worry about the American Idol runner up, as both Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze are both signed up to produce record deals.  It is so anti-climactic, and appears as though winning, doesn't matter quite as much as making it to the top five. 


We lost Dennis Hopper today. He was a great character actor and will be missed.


I don't know if it is just my family or what, but if a friend calls, the kids are gone.  Any chore that we might have had help with- forget it.  We bust our collective asses to give them better than we had, and what we end up with is a Prince and Princess that expect entitlements instead of working for them.  Do I sound bitter?  Maybe I am.  Terre and I get no free time.  It's work, work, work and then come home to the same unappreciated kids (one is home for the summer, and the other moved back home because of the bad economy). 

It occurred to me today that we shower our pets with doting love, just as we do our kids, and our pets pay us back with unconditional love and forgiveness.  Sometimes your kids make you feel like you were sorry to have 'em.

Deep In the back woods...

of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em? 

KINDER, GENTLER WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off the cracker

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts  

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support 

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the
Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer:

"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,
for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your
parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?" 

Friday Lost

Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.

I learned something new today.  I checked to see what the above means... and ...  It doesn't mean anything. It's called "greeking" -- it's filler or placeholder text that publishers and graphic designers use to designate a text block, without actually putting anything specific in the text block. It's used a lot when putting together a basic layout. It allowed you to show what the text will look like on it, without requiring any actual text from the client.  Could have fooled me!  It actually looks interesting enough actual mean something important, but doesn't!


Took the day off work today, but I have plenty to keep me busy at home.  Had some cabinet doors to adjust, a sprinkler to replace and fifteen sixty-pound bags of California Gold (I wish) gravel to purchase and deliver home.  It made a real dusty mess out of the back of the truck AND me when I unloaded.


Now I'm off to mow the lawns...

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In
disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no
tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--
strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for
a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his
eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly,"I can check my e-mail from
here?"

How to get out of a speeding ticket
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner..
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

Tact
Tact: The ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip.

Another Season Finale...

Many times I have commented about Max's "approach" to doing his "binness".  How he sidles up to a bush or tree, and maybe that's not right, so he sidles up to the other side.  Last night's American Idol finale was pretty good (and with predictable results), having many, many celebrities on to make the "reveal" show worth watching more than the last five minutes.  A highlight, was the roasting of Simon Cowell who is moving on after this season.  Now, you are probably wondering (and you should) what Max's "approach" has to do with Simon Cowell.  Simon received man, many boos and even chortles as the audience deals with the shock of what his comments were, and then the reality of the truth of it all sets in.  Listening to "what" Simon said became much more important than how he said it, and the bluntness of it all.  He didn't sugarcoat the truth, but still nobody (especially the performer) wanted to hear it.  Simon's approach was more direct than we'd all like to hear.  Keeping in mind that it is a singing and entertaining contest, bluntness and reality is certainly more important.  Unfortunately, because of the audience vote factor, the contest frequently became a popularity contest, especially with the teeny-bopper vote.  I applaud Simon for his approach, however hard to listen to.  I also applaud him for the patience that he had, although frequently lost dealing with Paula or a performer that REALLY doesn't listen.  He frequently asked that the performer show more of what he/she is rather than try to be something that he/she is not, so thereby revealing the one that SHOULD win.  So, once again, what does this have to do with Max's approach ?  Well, probably, nothing, except that it takes much longer to produce the same results dancing about in uncertainties, if he would just be more direct, like Simon!

 Two rednecks from Alabama , Buck and Bill, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Bill turns to Buck and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
Alexander City Community College and sign up for some classes.' Buck thinks
it's a good idea and the two leave.  The next day, Bill goes down to the
college and meets the Dean of  Admissions, who signs him up for the four
basic classes: Math, English,  History, and Logic.  'Logic?' Bill says.
'What's that?'  The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example.  Do you own a weed
eater?'  'Yeah.'  'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed  eater, I
think that  you would have a yard.'  'That's true, I do have a yard.'  'I'm
not done,' the Dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think  logically that
you would have a house.'  'Yes, I do have a house.'  'And because you have a
house, I think that you might logically have a  family.'  'Yes, I have a
family.  'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
must  have a wife.  And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must  be a heterosexual.'  'I am a heterosexual.  That's amazing, you were
able to find out all of  that because I have a weed eater.'  Excited to take
the class now, Bill shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to  go meet Buck at
the bar. He tells Buck about his classes, how he is  signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic.  'Logic?' Buck says, 'What's that?'  Bill says,
'I'll give you an example.  Do you have a weed eater?'  'No.'  'Then you're a queer.'

"You're never disappointed in an X-rated movie. You never say,
"Gee, I never thought it would end *that* way."
 - Richard Jeni

Weight problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Pet shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

Why alcohol should be served at work

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

You can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks. 

Being a man definitely has its perks

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal. 

Scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water....

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.