What happened to Spring ??

This will be an interesting experience, as I have sold some coins on Ebay to someone in the Ukraine.  International postage through the USPS is extremely confusing.  After visiting the post office today and discussing the issue with the postal worker at the window, I am even more confused, but I will go with the flow and be extra sure not to complain while I am inside the post office!!!


Getting cold outside and feels more like Fall than Spring.  I wonder what that says about the Summer we should expect....

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again. 

Vet Death

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known also as Brown N Serve, he received one of the warmest funerals. Dozens of celebrities showed up including Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and Skippy. The grave was stacked with flours as Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, calling Fresh a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in the business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. Never considered a smart cookie, he wasted much dough on half-baked ideas, falling for tarts who buttered him up. Still, the crusty old man was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by a second wife. They have two children and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks

had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Wishing a dog-day afternoon to all...

Well Hachi turned out to be a pretty good story and revealing insight into the Akita-man bonding and ethereal relationship.  It had us all bawling.  The dog that played the lead was absolutely gorgeous!

My son was busy all evening with the end of "Lost".  I thank him fervently for not subjecting us to it at home!

My visit to the dentist today was less eventful than I expected.  All that he did was grind it down a bit and send some options to the insurance company.  I guess they will dictate what gets done.  A fine mess our medical services have become....

Max was already hopping up and down to go for a walk when I got home and opened the front door.

Lesser Known Metric Units

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless, so we thought we'd help the educational process along a bit.

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
* this is also known as an onosecond
* Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
* Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
* Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line
* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
* 2200 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
* 52 cards = 1 decacards
* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
* 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 100 rations = 1 C-ration
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 4 nickels = 1 paradigms
* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  and...

* 100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

Murphy's Laws of Combat
* If the enemy is in range, so are you.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
* The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
* Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
* when you're ready for them.
* when you're not ready for them.
* Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
* If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
* Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
* Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
* If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
* When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
* Friendly fire isn't.
* If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
* The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
* Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
* If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
* Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
* A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
* The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Interchangeable parts aren't.
* No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
* If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
* The one item you need is always in short supply.
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
* Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
* When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
* Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
* The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
* To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
* The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
* The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
* When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
* The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
* A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Murphy was a grunt. 

Parvinder and Habib are beggars in Vancouver and beg in different areas of the city.

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $5 to $10 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $20 bills, and drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $20 bills every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?  Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $5 - $10!

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan'.

Important Message for all Nature Lovers, Campers, and Hikers.
Camping, hiking or working in wild country can lead to close
encounters with bears, and because each species may react in a
different way, it is important to know how to tell them apart.

With the increase in bear attacks in recent years, Parks Canada
has come up with some strategies to keep you safe. Although you
don't want to startle a bear, you do want to let a bear know you
are in its vicinity. By tying a small bell to your jacket, the
gentle sound will be will heard and the bear will head in the
opposite direction. Just in case you still find yourself face to
face with a bear, also carry a can of pepper spray.

Under field conditions, bears are rarely in plain view; usually
they are partially hidden by shrubs, trees or rock. The next
strategy is to learn which bears are in the area you are
visiting, i.e. Black Bears or Grizzly Bears.

The foolproof way to tell, is to look for bear scats (droppings).
You can examine these scats to identify the foods consumed by the
bear. If the scats have a sweet fruity smell, and contains
berries, you can be sure it from a Black Bear.

If the dropping smell of pepper and contain tiny bells, you know
it's a Grizzly Bear.

----

Here's another way to tell Brown bears from Grizzly bears.

First, as soon as you see a bear, climb up the nearest tree.

If the bear climbs up the tree and attacks you - it's a Brown
bear.

If the bear pushes over the tree and attacks you - it's a
Grizzly bear.

Outrageously Gusting...

I am trying very hard not to take any antihistamines. The weather is not cooperating.  I want to rip out my eyes, they are so itchy.  My nose won't stop running and I keep sneezing.  Putting all that aside, I really feel like I did take antihistamines, as my mind is not clear.  My head feels as though it has been stuffed with sponges.  I really don't feel like doing anything today.


Last night we rented "The Spy Next Door" and "Ninja Assassin".  The first was REALLY for kids (we didn't know) and the second was really bloody, but once you were past that, the story was pretty good.  Tonight, we have "Hachi".


I took Max for a walk today and it was directly into the wind- a big mistake.  He was a bit smarter and closed his eyes and then ran into a bush.  He is pretty tired of this, as well.  It is REALLY very lucky that we don't have anyplace left to burn, because if a fire started, the wind would definitely be a much bigger problem that it has been.

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very
hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.


Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
dick.

The Reverend Francis Norton...

woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

The White Lie Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my," she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

The Gusts, Ad Infinitum

Funny thing: once the cat is out and about, you can't find her.  Give Max a bath in the laundry room sink, and she shows up almost immediately to razz him!

I finally go around to doing an elaborate detailing job on the Vette and then put the cover on.  Hopefully, it will last a while, since it is so windy.  I'm expecting to show it sometimes next week. 

The wind has been playing havoc with our cable (and hence our internet access), so I better post this while I can....

Brian Sullivan The Great

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow." 

Rules For A Happy Life
One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said,  Ice cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.
        
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Jim added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.

I couldn't take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn't believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait.

I smiled. He asked if he amused me
I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible? He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that i s Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.


"This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.

I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes. 

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired.."

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. 
 
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we like and respect. Remember that while money talks, 
CHOCOLATE  ICE CREAM SINGS!  

Gusted and Disgusted

An absolutely beautiful day today.  Couldn't ask for anything more.  Terre has come home early today because she has a cold/allergy.  I hope after a few hours of nap, she feels better. 

Apparently I spoke too soon.  After lunch the wind kicked up something fierce and now I have itchy eyes and many sneezes.  This I don't need, and certainly Terre doesn't either.

Ever wonder why it appears as though EVERYTHING is falling apart or going wrong all at once ?  What did we do to start this set of dominoes falling ? 


Has anyone scrutinized their cable bill lately ? Ours just surpassed $100 per month. That is outrageous for what we get. I remember as a kid living in a house with an antenna, we got ten channels for free. We only have the basic and the next tier, and internet. I am definitely looking into getting a dish service. Why don't we have any competition for our cable service ?? 

If you like what you are reading, or even if you don't- please post a comment.  Just to show you how, I posted a test comment below.

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of
expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered
her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and
the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems
as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being
begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know ? 

Two old ladies in church

One leans over to the other and says, "I think my butt is asleep."

The other replies, "Yeah, I could hear it snoring a few minutes ago."

On the fringe...

I wasn't sure what to say today.  It was a bit different.  I started out the day on a new project, which was given to someone else by 9:00.  What a relief.  It was a dog, and I was too busy anyway.  Then I battled my way into getting something else to be successful.  Unfortunately, I missed a very warm and beautiful day outside.  Oh well.


My tooth broke again, as well.  By the time I get to the dentist on Monday, I'll only have a root left!

Tomorrow, I'm going to spend doing documentation.  This is normally boring, but I'm looking forward to it....


Boy, the market sure tanked again.  I know now that barring some extraordinary occurrence, I will be working until I'm dead!


Season finale on Fringe tonight!  I hope it answers more than the new questions it will ask...

Why fishing is better than sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?" 

Old songs rewritten

Re-released Baby Boomers’ Classics:

Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a lovely walker
You can’t always pee when you want
I heard it through my hearing aid
Talkin’ ‘bout my medication
Bald thing!
How can you mend a broken hip?
I can’t see clearly now
Papa got a kidney stone
Denture Queen
You make me feel like napping
A Whiter shade of hair
Once, twice, three trips to the washroom 

Young woman's wish list

A Woman’s Wish List

What I want in a man:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. Witty
5. Caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things in life
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover

Wish list at age 32

What I want in a man (Revised age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. seeks romance at least once a week 

Wish list at 42

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady—splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to help rearrange furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most week-ends 

Wish List at 52

1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or fart in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on week-ends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some week-ends 

Wish List at 62
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require too much money for upkeep
4. Only snores slightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he is laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Likes soft foods
8. Usually wears some clothes
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend. 

Wish List at 72

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Challenges continue...

One of my molars broke in half today. I saved the piece.  I can't get to the dentist until Monday, so I will just have to be careful.  It's a drag.

Work was a pain today as well.  Progress is fleeting and overrated.  I didn't want to finish too quickly.  Meanwhile, they gave me two new projects to deal with.  Oh joy.


Meanwhile, both the guys interested in buying the Beast are out of town for a few days.  We'll see if the interest wains or not.

Winners of the "Best Bad Humorous Analogy Contest" in the
Washington Post Style Invitational Column:

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Organizational Chart Outline

When top level guys look down, they see only shit; 
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.

Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to  nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.  I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of  Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring  (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid" routing  option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when  I'm trying to
finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"  before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their  cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push  the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 

The Good Father
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love. He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Let's get this week overwith...

Today was very frustrating.  Apparently I couldn't do anything right!  And on top of it all, my code at work is not working...

I just need a day with some defined and measurable progress to be called "a good day".  Tomorrow I start on a new project.  The uncooled detector world continues to grow and needs a lot of help, and so do I.  I miss space work, but I believe that it is hopeless to ever work in that area again.

Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't
know.

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read
them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the
pages can later be used for shopping lists.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door.
This will allow you to check that the light goes off when
the door is closed.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an
ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud
explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that
you can see which items you have recently run out of.


NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Texting for Seniors

DYRS – Do You Remember Sex?
MWIIACWC – My Wife Is In A Coma, Wanna Cyber?
TVKI – The Viagra’s Kicking In
ITAC – Is This A Computer?
GoL – Grandchild on Lap
N911 – Nurse Alert
420 – Dinner Time
IOMM – I’m Off My Meds
MGIAQ – My Grandson Is A Queer
SYHFUMA – Shove Your Hummel Figurine Up Your Ass
FOLS – Fond of Leathery Skin
DiR – Death In Room
TYDO – Take Your Depends Off
LMIRLABE – Let’s Meet In Real Life At Bob Evans
OSMGISUMWC – One Second, My Grandson Is Setting Up My Web Cam
MPHWHJ – My Parkinsons Helps With Hand Jobs
TCS – The Catheter Stings
WYWM – Will You Wipe Me?
LSMSSCOW – Let’s Spend My Social Security Check On Whores
WMBRB – Watching Matlock, Be Right Back
LDOMC – Lay Down On My Craftmatic
KADC – Knitting A Dildo Cozy
LMG – Lost My Glasses
RU/81 – Are You Over 81?
WSTMO – Willard Scott Turns Me On
PRUN – Prunes
LYWMGUO – Leave Your Wal-Mart Greeter Uniform On
IFTWPA – I Forgot To Wear Panties Again

 

Golf

Four Insurance executives met at an International convention and decided to play a round of golf. In the middle of the fairway, the phone rang. The British executive pulled out his cell phone from his golf bag, and starts talking. When he finished, he announced to his fellow golfers:” I am so important in my Company that I have to carry my cell phone wherever I go.” A little later another phone rang. The American simply extended his fingers on his right hand and starts talking. When he finished, he informed his fellow golfers that his job was so important, that he could not risk forgetting his cell phone anywhere, so it was implanted in his hand. A little while later another phone rang, and the Swiss executive answered it by standing upright and started talking. When he finished, he announced that his job was so important that his cell phone was implanted in his lips, to enable him to have both hands free while driving. A little while later another phone rang. The Taiwanese executive dropped his golf clubs, ran behind the bushes, dropped his pants, and started squatting. He was gone for quite a while, so the others came looking for him. When they saw him in that position, they remarked: “Sorry, we did not know what you were doing.”
He replied: “ It’s OK, I’m just receiving a fax.”

Blue Monday

It's drizzling today.  I can't get my brain to work.  I had a long conversation with someone in Seattle that may want to buy the Beast (www.bringatrailer.com).  I didn't realize about the (silly) emotional attachment that I have.  It quickly gave me a queasy feeling and a headache, or I'm coming down with something.....  I think that car represents some of what I am, and it hurts to even consider having it change owners.  I guess some thing just have to be done, even if it hurts.  I suppose I've just got the blues about the whole situation.

A distraught senior citizen.....

phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." 

It was a small town.......

and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

Proudly showing off his new........

apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"  

Way too busy Sunday, without Sunshine...

Watched "Edge of Darkness" last night.  We both thought it was pretty good.  The dialog required loud volume and undivided attention, at times.


You know I missed "Wheels and Waves" yesterday because of their ambiguous poster.  Today I just don't have the energy or incentive to go fight the crowds.  I think what really happens is the after Saturday nights, I come to realization the I have to return to work the following day. 

Just couldn't convince myself to go downtown (even if I could squeeze it in).  Selling the Vette is ripping the fabric of who I am.  I can't go to the car show and look at all the things I don't or can't have.  Not yet...

Only in America!!!

Natural Born Citizens Beware!
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election!
They breed and they walk among us! 

Only In America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the
phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss
every green. The next day you go out and for no
reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the
'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Redneck word of the day : "OBAMA"

. . . . I BOUGHT ME A CASE A' BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SEFF.

A bit low key today...

Tried to watch "Nine" last evening.  Couldn't hack more than half an hour.  The dancing and singing were pretty good, but where was the rest of the movie.  It was nuts....
  
Supposed to be a big car show locally today and tomorrow.  It appears as though the poster was EASILY interpreted incorrectly, as no cars were available to see today.  It is all tomorrow.  A waited trip downtown.

So depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Home Mortgage Application Tips
Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it. Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, cum, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous.
Body Odours - Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being fucked over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank crotch and arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highly recommended.
Breath - The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”.
Personality - Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result.
Language - Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative.
Intended Use – Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments.
Security - As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”.
Addictions - It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependents and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category.
With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck!

The many Types of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms

Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms

FF (Finally Friday...)

Was a good day today, although it didn't SEEM like we accomplished much, it really was very prolific.  Went to a going away party at lunchtime, and it was a surprise since I just heard yesterday and today is his last day. I realize that it is important for younger employees to change jobs every two years or so to get their salaries up, but for some reason they think that there is going to be less bullshit where they are going.  All large defense oriented companies are run badly.  Part of the blame is the gubmint and how they force us to do business.  The rest is the companies' fault because they agree to do business that way.


Lean times hints:

1. Every non-food item in the grocery store is more expensive than it is at a non-grocery store (i.e. Kmart, Walgreen's, CVS).
2. Always buy an amount of a particular item that you know when entering the checkout line.  For example: If you are buying cans of dog food, pick up ten (or any other number).  When you are checking your receipt after the sale, you won't have to do an actual count.  Lately, many checkout clerks have been making mistakes on the number of products they ring up.  Also, group like items on the conveyor belt, so they will appear together on the receipt.
3. The absolute best deal around is a pre-cooked whole chicken at Costco, for only $5.

Alert:  Virus Warning

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty
nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard
drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20
feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.

If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It
will program your phone auto dial to call only your
mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into
your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.

For god's sake, are you listening?

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your
Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw
things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave
your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
all of your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU
CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll
fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot
straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will
ignite the person nearest you.

********Please send, send, send, send, and send!********

A Sunday school teacher

is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Top ten sarcastic dares

Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.

10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".

8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...

1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list. 

A blonde just texted me saying,

"What does idk stand for?"

I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!" 

Received this in the mail and had to share it....

He's done it again..
He sure isn't backing down on his hard line stance and one has to appreciate his belief in the
rights of his native countrymen.

A breath of fresh air to see someone lead.
I wish some leaders would step up in Canada & USA.

 
 Australian Prime Minister does it again!!
 

This man should be appointed King of the World. Truer words have never been spoken.


It took a lot of courage for this man to speak what he had to say for the world to hear.  The retribution could be phenomenal, but at least he was willing to take a stand on his and Australia 's beliefs.

 Whole world needs a leader like this!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday, March 17th to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..
 

Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote:


'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the
majority of Australians. '

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'

'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!'

'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All
we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and
we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'


'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA , WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.